ICW’s back at The Hydro in under 2 weeks mate. Have you bought a ticket for the show? If not, why not? On the smack? On the juice? On the Herbalife premium package where a Herbalife retailer will come through your bedroom windae every 2 hours and forcefeed you aw the herby goodness till you’re literally a bodybuilder? Your excuses don’t matter. You being skint this month is no excuse. Prioritise. If your family need to eat beans for the rest of the month for you to be at the Hydro, so be it. Beans are nutritious and farting constantly is healthy and encouraged as both a hobby and a method of detoxing. Its Fear and Loathing 10, so naturally this is a list of 11 reasons because 11 is more than 10 by exactly 1. We’re being quirky here, don’t you know list articles are supposed to be quirky? That’s the whole thing. I’m gonnae write actual preview articles for the big matches so this will be heavy daft. Lean in to it. It might be awrite. First up….
Reason 1 – Dan Severn Might Be There
I know, I know, its no actually very likely he will be there, but he COULD be mate. He could. Its possible. Tickets are available to over 16s yes? Dan “The Beast” Severn as of today, weighs in at a smidge over 59 years old. That means he’s old enough to buy 3 and a half tickets! Flights from the United States of America to Scotland happen every day don’t they? So that’s the transport sorted. Only thing we really need to make this a reality? A reason. Lets start a twitter feud between him and Kevin Nash by making an Official Dan Severn Twitter account and tweeting Kevin Nash gien it “Here m8, are you Kate Nash?” before dedicating every other tweet to asking him how he enjoyed working on Glow, and working the lyrics to her songs in to every retort as big Kev gets increasingly raging. Or we could pay Ken Shamrock to challenge big Dan to a square go at the Finnieston Crane. We all know Dan Severn is not the type of man to resist fighting Ken Shamrock in front of a big bastardin crane. In fact, just put Ken Shamrock vs Dan Severn on the show and be done wae it. I mean are we seriously trying to sell out The Hydro if we’re no making that top priority?
Reason Two – The Hydro Serves Beer With Straws
Full disclosure, as much as its completely unprofessional to do so in my professional journalistic capacity as a professional wrestling journalist of the highest standing (6 stars, superplex!) I got fuckin steamin at The Hydro last year. I mean proper cannae feel ma limbs steamin. So steamin I spewed in a hedge outside the venue as soon as it finished and couldn’t make The Cathouse after it due to being fuckin completely and utterly steamin. Then I scranned a McDonalds and spewed again. Big part of making that happen? the Hydro serves beer wae straws. The boaysies and I were already pretty lit by the time we got there, and chuck straw beers into the mix, oh wee, we became the cunts we would usually hate at shows. Aw loud and sloppy, obstructing folks views dancing to Polo Promotions theme. Nips oot for The Hydroooo. Not planning on getting that steamin this year, but with straw beers on tap, ye never fuckin know mate. Ye just never know.
Reason Three – Kevin Nash Might Chuck Rey Mysterio Into A Wall Again
For anyone who doesn’t know what this is referring to, watch this video right here and marvel at the gloriousness of big Nash launching Rey like an empty crisp poke. Rey is a bigger deal now than he was back then and may have more of a say in the matter of his body being chucked into stuff with reckless abandon but if one thing is always true about the life we live, its that big guys can always pick wee guys up. There’s no a lot he could do if Nash picked him up while he’s tuckin in to a pasta bake in catering, took him to the nearest road, and flung him aff the side of a double decker. He could be raging. He might get up and aim a few right hooks at big Diesel’s baws, but that doesn’t stop it being possible and we should all be very buzzing about that. I mean even if its not Rey himself, someone should be on the blawer to Nash right now trying to talk him in to doing this to a trainee or anyone who’s got a wean that’s been gettin a bit lippy lately and needs chucked into the side of a building.
Reason Four – Sha Samuels Might Do Something Mental
The Hydro is a massive building right. At Halloween they made it orange and it looked like a big pumpkin ffs. That’s the kind of venue Sha Samuels could be getting in to some seriously mad shit. If you weren’t aware, big Sha does moonsaults and its majestic. His outer shell is not one that that seems very moonsaulty and for a great number of years his time in wrestling was spent straight up punching folk in the mooth and calling them soft cunts if they dared to tell him its sare. Sha Samuels doing moonsaults will never not be a thing that’s just captivating to look it. The Kinky Party has been tremendous fun and this tag match with the hot on form Kings Of Catch is flying under the radar a bit. Big important stuff, and very famous men in some of the other match. It makes sense. But that makes the incentive to fly under the radar and steal the show even stronger does it no. One of the ways to do that? Tear the roof aff the Hydro, have Sha climb to the top of the SECC next door and have him moonsault from one historic Glasgow venue to another. Logistically there might be some issues with that, but see if the big man gets a few straw beers in him? Anything’s possible troops.
Reason Five – Grado Might Show Up
I don’t see it, but maybe that’s the whole point eh? Triple H showed up at a tour show in Cardiff mate. Kurt Angle wrestled with The Shield last month. Dan Severn still has MMA fights. The Hydro will put a straw in your beer. Anything is possible. In fact, that gives me an idea for reason six…
Reason Six – Literally Anything Is Possible
I guess that’s the whole point in this article. Anything can happen. Dan Severn won’t be there but he MIGHT be. We exist in a timeline where wrestling has stopped playing by the rules. That’s Triple H in an ICW ring. Triple H runs this wrestling patter these days and he showed up in ICW for the fuck of it. Just to show that in his eyes places like ICW are good. They matter. The beak that runs the streets they call him so they dae. He’s the Alpha AND the Omega, and that’s him in ICW putting ICW over strong as fuck and getting the eyes of the world on them. Nothing in wrestling has caught the common folks attention this much since Joey Ryan taught his dick how to execute a hip toss. If you are truly on the fence about buying a ticket (which you can do here, incidentally) imagine who were an ICW fan from Cardiff who decided to skip this show. Bills are tight, the auld bass guitar needs re-strung, other things just mattered more. Imagine how much you’d feel like a fud. Do they matter more than Triple H showing up and causin it? Naw mate. If that can happen at a tour show, imagine the Hydro possibilities. The Proclaimers aren’t busy that night and are reportedly big Stevie Boy fans. Imagine they sung him to the ring, but its just them flanking him manically nodding their heads to his usual music. That’s the kind of special high level shit reserved for The Hydro.
Reason Seven – DCT Might Become The Number One Contender In The World Most Beautiful Singlet
Know that feeling when you’re just the right amount of blazin, swayin a wee bit but no enough that the bouncer starts side eyein ye. Hulk Hogan’s Real American theme comes on and you throw caution to the wind, completely losing sight of who you are as a person as you become one with that wonderful, sweaty moment in song? DCT in that singlet is what I imagine the physical manifestation of that moment would look like. All covered in stars and yella bandanas, with just the one nipple on show until business picks up to a point that it dictates double nip exposure is required. He might not win that ladder match, but I hope he plays a prominent role in it because he’s a proper ICW guy int he. Baws oot and loving it constantly. Only thing that might have him even more baws oot and loving it than that singlet, is an ICW Title Shot at the Square Go.
Reason Eight – Rob Van Dam Eatin A Haggis Supper
I had already written the title of this one, then googled Rob Van Dam and hilariously the third result was him with a big ol dirty burger photoshopped into his hand. I know its not a haggis supper, but clearly Rob Van Dam and his “lifestyle” has become synonymous with scrannin fast food. The only thing more certain than him jumping off things that he probably shouldn’t jump off, is that he’s gonnae wire in to some of the greasiest fast food the fine city of Glasgow has to offer, and yer man’s gonnae love it. I’ve never been more certain that an “import” was going to fall in love with this fine city than I am in the case of RvD. The whole fuckin show is about to show a haggis supper who’s its singlet loving Da.
Reason Nine? I Think We’re On Nine – Diesel Power
Apart from a wee nostalgia pop a few years ago at The Royal Rumble, Kevin Nash hasn’t been “Big Daddy Cool” Diesel for a long time. ICW is a mad place. First show I went tae, Jimmy Havoc got cheese gratered aff Damo and nobody even really seen it because Stevie Boy was jumping off the balcony nearby. That’s the kind of wacky environment where Kevin Nash might just decide to be Diesel because its a laugh. Must admit, he looks a bit off in that photo I found on google dot com. More like big daddy roastin amiright? Cause Fake Diesel went on to be Kane? No? Awrite here’s a real photo. You’s have nae sense of humour btw. Lighten up.
Kidding and joking aside, I know a lot of the grapplin “purists” don’t love big Nash. He’s said some stuff about some vanilla midgets that some find hard to digest and thats fair enough, but by fuck was he a cool big bastard in his prime. God knows how they thought they’d get away with replacing him with a cunt who looks like that science teacher yer heavy feart of. Nae offence to big Kane or that, but the mask wasn’t just for character purposes eh. Big man’s got a coupon that could turn spaghetti wae a right good date on it. I’m talking you buy it in August, and its dated tae May the following year. Anyway aye, Diesel might appear, buy tickets here
Reason 10 – You Can Get There By Boat
The Clyde exists doesn’t it? Its a body of water near The Hydro and it exists so you could get there by boat. For regular boat go-ers this is nothing exciting. If you’ve seen one boat, you’ve seen them aw I imagine, but a Hydro party boat like the one above? Forget about it. You’ll be sippin sangria and gettin a hauny aff a very questionable hooker before ye can muster an “OH!” in elation. Know what, this started as nonsense, but I really like the idea of a Hydro party boat now. Let’s make it happen. Anyone reading this who knows how to drive a boat (three point turns a must, if you don’t have that down we don’t have a business agreement) DM me or make me a scene out of play-doh that suggests you can drive a boat. Get the message across somehow is what I’m trying to say here I guess.
Reason Eleven – The Show Will Be Very Good
The main and most important reason you should by a ticket. For my money ICW are producing shows of a consistently high standard and have executed the build up to this show very well. Better than last year in all honesty. The marquee matches feel hugely significant, from Polo Promotions looking to end their hunt for a third ICW Tag Title reign in success, to Kenny Williams looking for a career defining win over Rey Mysterio, to the three hugely talented women who will step into a steel cage with Kay Lee Ray’s Women’s Title up for grabs, all the way to the big bout for all the real estate. Conker vs Conker. Shiny vs Shiny. Champion vs Champion. Joe Coffey and BT Gunn have been the most consistent in-ring perfomers in ICW since 2014, with an honourable mention to big Wolfgang anaw. These are guys who I’ve personally seen wrestle an obscene amount of times and not once has a bad match happened. THEY deserve this spotlight. THEY deserve all eyes to be on them when the show motors towards its finale and ICW should have its top prizes in the big match. If you’re looking for a reason to come to the show, simply put, it’ll be a very good wrestling show (which you can buy tickets for here btw)
Sidenote – See if you don’t want to come cause ye don’t like Bram, he’ll probably get hit wae a ladder at some point. I mean I don’t personally agree with your stance or anything, but still. Ladder.
Thanks to David J.Wilson, and whoever took the various photos of Diesel I’ve used. Also to whoever photoshopped a double cheeseburger into Rob Van Dam’s hand.
Seriously get tickets here – http://www.ticketmaster.co.uk/icw-fear-loathing-x-glasgow-19-11-2017/event/3600517298384AB0