Everyone knows you can’t spell grumble without rumble, and cunts were grumbling aboot the rumble, which was the night afore this Raw. That’s yer intro and I’m yer host, Davie Curren, and this is yer Raw review, comin tae ye 5 days late fae Cleveland, Ohio.
We kick aff wae Triple H’s music hittin the arena, and subsequently my finger hittin the fast forward button. Triple H and Stephanie ZOOMED down to the ring. They talk to the audience really quickly in squeaky chipmunk voices, and the general tone is that we’re aw idiots cause we didnae like the outcome of the rumble. Daniel Bryan’s music hits and he comes doon tae the ring and says words. I might get a bit a flak fur this, but I don’t really care for him sayin words.
Anyway they aw had a wee gab, a right crackin blether, and Triple H says suhin aboot them not being alone in the ring and then….
The boays come doon fae the crowd, and hahaha, aw man, get this, hahaha, Seth Rollins goes tae jump er the barrier, it collapses and the kid cunts it. Mair like Seth Fallins! I tweeted that and it only got 2 favourites, if Marty had done t he’d have got a hunner. Hate aw you fuckin fannies btw, comin up tae ma best mate at ICW and gushin aw er him while I staun there lit a spare prick. ‘Oooh smithy, you’re so amazin’. Arseholes. I’m a heel btw.
The Shield get in the ring and start giein young Danny a doin. Sheamus and John Cena come doon tae help and drive the Shield oot the ring, and the audience seem tae like that. That’s good. For them.
Sin Cara & Rey Mysterio Vs The Real Americans (bold this bit please Martin)
Ma boays Cesaro and Swagger lookin straight up fabulous here. After an initial gid wee run from Sin Cara and Rey, Zeb has a wee word wae Jack and inspires the big lad wae some tough love.
Events transpire, Rey hits that awful 619 on Cesaro, Sin Cara tags in only tae get a gorgeous European Uppercut for this troubles, and The Real Americans pick up the W.
Big Barrett gets up oan that pedestal to deliver some…….bad news! He lets us know that there will be a Miz vs Dolph Ziggler match later, cause they’re both from Cleveland. A town inhabited by………….LOSERS. Love this guy. And he’s on the money about those filthy Clevelandites.
Fandango Vs R-Truth
Xavier Woods is on commentary, and don’t you know he’s doing a degree cause he wants to help autistic children. Isn’t that sweet? Also R-Truth won. Or suhin, who cares.
Next, Bradley Maddox introduces our glorious WWE World Heavyweight Champion Randy Orton. He reminds us all that despite some people thinking otherwise, he was able to overcome John Cena once again. How did he do it? Cause he’s the best, the ideal wrestler, and the face of WWE. He’s no happy about having to defend his title yet again at Elimination Chamber, and you know what, why should he have to? He’s proven that he’s deserving, who are Batista and Brock Lesnar to dare challenge Our Champion?
Batista comes down to the ring. No ta. Brock and Paul Heyman come doon anaw and Paul says Orton should take on Brock Lesnar TONIGHT. An idea which Randy, myself, and I’m sure everyone found ridiculous. You can’t just saunter in and demand a match, no chance. Have some respect.
The Miz Vs Dolph Ziggler
Both these Cleveland lads come out wearing Cleveland sports jerseys! The Miz locks in a figure four, and ma main man Ziggler turns it intae the sexiest of wee roll ups, only for Miz tae kick out. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag and tries again, and wins!
The Usos Vs Rybaxel
Ryback and Curtis Axel boss this match for the most part, but then one of them stinkin Usos pinned Ryback, somehow, robbing the victory. Unreal.
Alberto Del Rio Vs Kofi Kingston
Cannae mind this match, I’m sure it wis good, and that Del Rio probably got the win. He’ll have a belt back roon that glorious tanned waist in nae time.
WWE Tag Team Championship Match
New Age Outlaws Vs Goldust and Cody Rhodes
The New Age Outlaws (NEW CHAMPS) come doon and Road Dogg says ‘to quote Selena Gomez’ and then goes on to say what I presume to be a Selena Gomez quote. But who’s gonnae check eh? The quote in question was ‘there’s always money in the banana stand’ btw, I think she said it in Hunger Games. Roadie and Billy Boy (NEW CHAMPS) ain’t happy that they’re having to defend their titles so soon after winnin them, and ye know whit? Too fuckin right. These boays are auld as fuck, gie them a brek.
Goldust and Billy Gunn start us aff, but billy gets a wee bit overwhelmed wae it aw and ducks oot the ring, and Road Dogg fans him wae JBL’s hat. Hilarious, and heartwarming that their friendship has lasted so long (NEW CHAMPS). The match continues wae some wrestling and aw that, wae the outlaws continually backing away and trying to avoid fighting. Maybe they’re pacifists? The wrestling that occurs is braw as fuck, Billy Gunn is nearly the same age as ma da, and my da’s Fame-Asser is just lookin sloppy as fuck these days, Billy’s is still tight like frogs eyes. Frogs have watertight eyes.
That big bastard Brock comes doon and F5s Cody and Goldie, winning them the match by DQ. BUT NAE BELTS FOR YOUS PRICKS.
Lesnar continues tae give The Rhodesters a fuckin doin, breaks a steel chair and everythin. Eventually the last bit of life flickers in their eyes, and the Rhodes name will now die with Dusty. It’s so sad when a man outlives his two crackin wrestlin weans.
The Bellas & The Funkadactyls Vs AJ Lee, Tamina, Aksana & Alicia Foxx
The Shield Vs Daniel Bryan, Sheamus & John Cena
The winners of this match get 3 places in the Elimination Chamber match for the WWE Heavyweight Title. Seth looks to make up for his previous downfalls by jumping over the barrier successfully. And he does! He places his two hands on the too of the barrier, propels himself over with his legs and crashes into a forward roll, finishing in a standing position. It was a great barrier jump, I would give it 9/10. So know we know that the previous fall was just a hiccup, and not indicative of Seth’s current barrier jumping form. A lot of people see him as the weakest member of The Shield now that Romans getting a push, but his barrier jumping is only gonna get better, and i can see him doing big things in 2014, in the leaping over things area. I’m talking turnstiles, vault horses, pub tables. The world is his oyster. After a crackin barrier jump, we were subjected to some wrestling, which is ok I suppose. The lights went out and The Wyatts appeared, batterin fuck oot Bryan, Sheamus and Cena, leading to our second DQ of the night, meaning that they 3 win and will be in the Elimination Chamber match, which I think is SHITE. The Shield didn’t ask for the Wyatts to interfere, why should they be punished. They should be in Elimination Chamber. They get ragin, an insteada taking it oot on the Wyatts, they take it oot on the announce desk, and JBL’s hat gets some soda on it, which is a damn shame.
Thanks for reading my review! I give this wrestling show 6.5/10!
Give me some sugar! I am your neighbour!