ICW Square Go 2014 Review


What better way tae start a Square Go than with an act of betrayal? After all, its been the fuelling factor behind many a Square Go over the years. Jilted lovers knockin lumps ootae their exes new partner. Former friends torn apart over business deals gone wrong (maybe a speaking tour involving celebrity guests? ;)) Supposed allies turning your back on your army, and adopting the colours of another….

So without further ado we would find out the identity of the newest member of the NAK. Out come the heely bastards, chuckin belts aw over the place, spitting chewing gum in folks eyes and tying folks laces together. Soon as that music hits, yer made fully aware that some or indeed multiple cunts are set for a doing. The new member is introduced and comes out with a gas mask on, my guess beforehand wis either Stevie from the Buckys, or Lambrini, and even with the mask on, ye can definitely tell the new member isnae a wee blonde lassie, but it was in fact STEVIEEEE BOY. He gives us aw the vickys, while pretending to ejaculate in a toaster, and waiting long enough for it to pop, so the ejaculate comes fleein oot, n lands in all of our eyes. It was by far the most eleabourate piece of fake ejaculation humour I’ve been exposed tae.

Just when we’re aw adjusting to this betrayal, I spotted Stevie sneaking round the other side of the ring, as his former Bucky comrades enter tae pose the question…”the fuck ye daein Stevie!?” as The Wee Mans patter has the NAK distracted, Davie sneaks round the side of the ring anaw, and all of a sudden we have a couple re-united Buckys up on the top rope, waiting fur the NAK tae turn round and receive a aw the dropkicks. IT WIS A RUSE. The Buckys remain united, and all of a sudden they find themselves wae a title shot.

The NAK vs The Bucky Boys 

BT and Stevie barely have time tae exchange chops, and get inte a wee superkick tangle before Wolfgang comes rushing oot wae homicidal intentions. Clearly still irked by his singles match wae BT not happening at the last show, he haufs the master of chops wae a spear and takes him out of this match, leaving the NAK tae defend the Tag Belts 2 on 2 for the first time. Intae the action and we get yer usual fast paced, often brutal stuff fae these teams. A spear and a spinebuster fae Davie. Some chest shattering slaps fae Renfrew. Match was short, and ended in a double pin, wae Renfrew pinning Davie and Stevie pinning Divers leading tae Dallas declaring the ICW Tag Titles VACANT.

The Buckys and The NAK stoat around the ring lookin fuckin IRKED mate. I’m sure I heard Davie suggest “kin we no jist get a belt each!?”  . Hopefully this leads tae some mental 3 way dance at Still Smokin wae The Sumerian Death Squad, which leads to some near fatalities.

James Scott vs Joe Coffey

Ach this was fuckin artwork. Pure and simple. A storytelling masterclass. We kick off wae some uppercuts, and a wee bit of a shoulderblock war, before Coffey hits a stiff lariat. Two splashes in the corner from Coffey, are followed by the Gutwrench Suplex, before ones of James Scotts corner guys gets involved (Scott had two folk in his corner, a few folk have asked…”here wis that you in James Scotts corner?” cause he has a badly heid n a beard…naw…it wisnae) so Joe grabs him by the ankles n swings him aboot. Tripping up James Scott in the process.  Seeing the opportunity to go S-S-S-S-S-SUPAFLY wae Mr Scott grounded, Joe Coffey goes up top and hits a big splash followed by a deadlift German Suplex and thats FALL NUMBER ONE SON!

SCORES ON THE DOORS – Joe Coffey 1 James Scott 0

The storytelling masterclass (aye I’m gonnae be fawning err it a fair bit, so whit, fight me aboot it) reconvenes wae an enziguri from Scott, followed by a suplex. They exchange chest slaps, and then big splashes in opposite corners, before James Scott locks in a triangle choke, and after a minute or two, Joe Coffeys oot the game.

SCORES ON THE DOORS – Joe Coffey 1 James Scott 1

Joe Coffey makes it to his feet, in a daze. Scott tries a cheeky wee rollup, but nae dice. Scott goes for yon big splash in the corner but misses the mark. Another chokehold is locked in by Scott, and surely that has tae be it? He just choked ye oot once Joe mate, nae need tae die for the cause. One thing ye cannae ever forget about Joe Coffey though…he’s really fuckin good at deadlifting things. Even when in the process of having the oxygen supply cut aff tae his brain. He pulls Scott aff the ground n delivers a vertebrae shattering slam from outta the chokehold. Bonafide stauner material. Big lariat fae Coffey, followed by a spinning Samoan Drop type thing which made ma dae a wee bitta spew in ma mooth. Too spinny. They both go for crossbodies, and end up crossing each others bodies lit a right pair of sillies, before leathering each other for aboot 10 minutes wae big forearm smashes to the dial. Then James Scott gets an anklelock in and thats fuckin that. Anklelocks break ankles Joe ma man. Dont be a hero. Tap tae that shit. I dunno if that really impressive Iron Man facepaint Joe had on gied him superpowers or suhin, cause after 10 minutes in an anklelock, Joe Coffey managed tae make it tae full time without tapping. Meaning…

FINAL SCORES ON THE DOORS – Joe Coffey 1 James Scott 1
Mark Dallas aint havin that but! two matches ending shrouded in ambiguity? NUT. Match re-starts under sudden death rules wae a BRAND NEW stipulation. Winner enters the Square Go at number 30. Loser enters at number 1. GAME ON. 

Surely just a formality for Jamesie Scott now eh? having choked Joe out and broke his ankle. But the story still has a twist left…or a spin tae be mare precise, as Coffey hits the spinning lariat tae get the sudden death pin. 31 minutes of art, brought to a fitting finale. Congratulations to both men on what was a fucking stoater of a match. Tellt aw the stories. A heartfelt respectful handshake between the two is exchanged.  Warriors united for life.

Jackie Polo vs Andy Wild

It was a braw wee match, but I’d have liked to see it go longer in all honesty. Andy Wild is one of the most underrated workers in Scotland, and Jackie Polo is an artist. Love, hate or huv the unshakable desire tae perforate his eardrum wae a knitting needle, everyone feels somethin. I wis personally beltin oot his theme, tae the point where multiple blood vessels burst and heart valves collapsed. The match starts with a snapmare and a knee to the back from Polo, before yer Lionheart cheekily appears for a wee guest commentary spot. Polo is distracted briefly, before receiving a pep talk via satellite fae Lando Calrissian tellin him “dont mess this up man! be smooth!” he immediately fires intae an atomic drop and a reverse clothesline, rounding it off wae an inch perfect dropkick. A wee bitta Jeff Jarret struttin is followed by something resembling a diamond cutter fae Andy Wild. Jackie Polo secures the win wae a sexy wee backslide and then it wis PROMO’IN TIME.

I’ll no lie tae ye, this promo wis about 10 minutes all in and considering it wis a week ago, I remember fuck all but wee details. Hearto taking ages tae start talking, then when he did he tells us he actually has a grudging respect for Polo for huvin the stones tae call him out. He rhymes off his list of accomplishments and says he’s tsted more success than Polo has PUSSAAAAAAY. Which for me wis where he should have ended it. Stoater of a line. I’ll no lie..it wis a wee bit long, but perhaps that wis orchestrated so Polo could work the crowd, cause he appears tae be controlling their “What?” chants wae  the simple act of nodding his magnificent dome. Polo finally gets his chance tae speak after Hearto proclaims tae be the archdeacon of  arsebootin and Polo is his next victim. Polo tells us aw HE AINT SCURRD of no wrestler, so Hearto lays him spark out wae the Rock Bottom and thats yer whack. Intriguing work all in, tae see a usually very popular veteran in Lionheart roundly booed wis odd in itself. A crowd once united in facing the opposite way when Polo was in the ring, were now firmly fixed on him and his undeniable talents while the murmurs of discontent for Lionheart grew louder. Only an emphatic win at Still Smokin will quiet the whispers for the bold Hearto. 

Jack Jester vs Prince Devitt (ICW Title Match)

I’ll start this yin by saying that if you don’t find Fergal Devitt attractive, there’s suhin fuckin wrang wae ye brother. I’m being quite genuine here btw, no matter yer creed/colour/gender/sexual preference, Fergal Devitt transcends aw ae it. He’s the blueprint. He is what man wis sposed tae be, before we aw got caught up wae this romantic notion that being a big hairy bastard wis where its at. Its no. Its aw aboot abs, and being a smouldering irish zombie. Fergals got the Zombie gimmick on tour btw, and that produced a 700 person simultaneous stauner . The match begins wae some chops, and then some majestic stuff wae a chair. I’m generally no really intae such long drawn out “hardcore” spells, but this was done beautifully. Devitt actually flung a chair at Jester intae the crowd after he took a stoater of a bump intae the barrier, proof that he’s either a natural boundary pusher, or a fuckin nutcase. The fight makes it round tae the other side of the stage where I could see fuck all for ages, but I did catch glimpses of more chair throwing. If im not mistaken there wis a double foot stomp aff the stage from Devitt, which may or may not have put Jester through a table. They finally make their way back intae the ring where Devitt misses a double stomp attempt, before being propped up on a chair and leathered for a bit by Jester, that’s followed by a cheeky wee hiptoss onto the chair, before Jester sunk his teeth right intae Devitts ample….suhin. Just daein what we all wanted tae dae really eh? Good on ye for havin the baws Jester pal. A brutal exchange of chops, is followed by yon pedigree type move Jester uses (if anyone knows what he calls it and would like tae let me know that wid be sound, I like knowing the names of things) that gets a two count, before a double stomp fae Devitt also brings about a near fall. Jester hits the tombstone soon after and seals a career defining win over perhaps the best wrestler in the world today. For the second time the night, two men went tae fuckin war, so much so in this yin, and hauf of Devitt bodypaint wound up on Jesters arms and face. Fuckin artwork. Beauty in lunacy. A handshake is exchanged and exhaustion wins out. We take a short break, where everyone takes on as much fluids as possible, and surveys each others wounds. Mostly emotional, with a few surface cuts and bruises here and there. Nothing that wont heal given some time.

Unless of course….yer name’s Eddie “Sideburns” Roberts. His wounds were all to real, when he’s summoned to the ring by a clearly emotional Mikey Whiplash. Whippy appears to be bringing Eddie out tae thank him for his prompt action when he stopped his match with Grado after the leg injury at the last show. They share an embrace…its touching. Then all of a sudden Whippys boot wis touching a rope, and that rope wound up abrasively touching Eddies windpipe. An F5 and a wee boot followed. This beting, whilst Whippy proclaimed that the determining factor behind it was Eddie not believing he could complete the match, wasnt necessarily for Eddie. It was a statement. At Still Smokin, Mikey Whiplash plans tae kill Gradomania. Kill it fuckin deid. He drags a barrier intae the ring and hoists Eddie up for the powerbomb before Grado intervenes. It wis never your fight Eddie ma man.

The Square Go

As per the stipulation for the end of the Iron Man match, James Scott kicked this aff. He’s had the duration of the Jester vs Devitt match, and Eddies doing between shifts, but still, he’d quite obviously be fuckin knackered. He’s in there wae the corner-man of his foe for the Iron Man match, Joe Coffeys brother Mark. Mark just happens to be one of the best wrestlers in Scotland in his own right, so its no like Jamesie wis gettin any form of respite here. They danced a noble dance for a minute or two before Kenny Williams entered the scene. He hit somedy wae a huricanrana cause he’s an impressive wee quiffy bastard. Somedy gets booted in the baws. Damian O’Connor wis there. James Scott gied people a LOT of fuckin wedgies. JD Bravo entered, seemingly not part of the 30 man field, so he moonsaulted some security guards instead. Joe Hendry arrived and sung his own name gloriously, before declaring that he wouldn’t be entering until there was only one man left, cause he’s smart and you’re fuckin dumb. His plans are scuppered by camera man Adam Carrell, who takes some cheek aff Joe, before being revealed as some kinda kickboxing whizzkid, and he also happened tae be the NEXT FUCKIN ENTRANT tae the Square Go. He drags Joe Hendry intae the ring before being promptly papped oot and hilariously returning to camera duties. Divers wis the first NAK member to enter, and he done some wrestling. There wis a rubber chicken involved. Damo eliminated Joe Hendry with an arsekick so forceful, Joe went backstage tae find his baws in the top pocket of his favourite suit jacket. Solar squared aff against Mark Coffey for a while. Did I mention James Scott wedgying everycunt? Saqib Ali and Tommy Marx were in the mix, and Tommy in particular took some fuckin STOATIN chops aff the greatest deliverer of chops in professional wrestling, BT Gunn. Sweeney wis in there lookin mean as fuck. He got entrance music cause without it, the Sweeney effect cannot be completed. Ye need that impending sense of doom tae really know its him. Lionheart rock bottomed…somedy. Grado entered, only tae be dragged oot and battered daft aff Whippy. Before that he accepts an unholy alliance with a Kendo Stick weilding Red Lightning, then turning on the peoples wanker n pappin him oot. Mibbe jumping before he wis pushed I spose, but with all 3 NAK members still involved, it would seem that Grado considered revenge a dish best served illogical. Private Bobby Roberts was in there for a while, and I recongnised him fae security duties fae previous shows, so I’ll refrain from saying anything that might get me papped oot in the future. Ye done well brah!
Trying my best tae mention everycunt like. Yum Yum was another entrant, and he was the latest tae get dragged away by Whippy and given the doing of a lifetime. Where wis he taking these cunts? James Scott gied out more wedgies. A sack splitter for Lewis Girvan in particular. Ehhh……..Andy Wild wis in there for a good while! Suddenly I noticed big Damo wisnae and I honestly had nae recollection of how somecunt managed tae pap him out, but you deserve my heartfelt congratulations for managing it, cause that man is a bear. Divers papped Lionheart oot after Jackie Polos music hit and Hearto got pre-occupied adopting his best jaw cracking stance. Heartbreakingly we didnae get an actual Polo appearance though. Aw this wis ages ago, but I cannae be arsed putting it where it should be, so aye, earlier on Kenny Williams convinced Joe Hendry they would pal aboot together, and he sent him intae a solo doing, it wis a ruse. Kenny Williams has arrived, he’s the bollocks, and he’s a cheeky swine. Kid Fite came in, and teabagged someone. It had been perhaps a year or more since I last seen Kid Fites baws and it wis oddly re-assuring tae have them back in my life in these troubled times. Liam Thomson came in and after him and Fito heeling it up together for a wee while. Thomson papped Fito oot. Cue the cries of “fuck sake Liam, we were brothers!” only for Liam tae get papped oot right after. Thats gonnae be an awkward wee chat in the locker room afterwards eh! Renfrew leathered cunts wae a chair im sure, and I think he fishooked Grado’s gub. I’m gonnae skip tae the end noo, case I’ll no lie, I remember fuck all else. Thats aw I’ve got. Apologies if I missed ye oot, it wisnae personal. David The Beloved wis in there tae Joe Coffey enters last and is surprisingly relieved of his duties quite early on. Kay Lee Ray eliminated somedy big im sure. A relevant name eh… I cannae mind who, oh…Kay Lee Ray wis in it btw. Carmel wisnae, but she jumped in anyway and tried tae join forces with the NAK tae pap Kay Lee oot, only to turn on the them, and get tossed oot herself. Right….THE FINISH.

Wolfgang is perched precariously on the top rope wae BT Gunn and Renfrew. Who knows what’s in store here, some kinda triple superpowerbombplex? Or wid we have the bold GRAAAAAADO return tae a raucous reception. He wis never officially eliminated ye see, and her provides a wee push for the three boayz on the ropes tae complete the QUADRUPLE SuperPowerbombPlex. All of a sudden he looked around and realised he wis the only man actually still standing, and it aw got too much. Davie Blaze came in and battered folk wae a dildo btw, cannae believe I nearly forgot that, then he lobbed it intae the crowd and legitimately nearly knocked a guy out wae it. Seriously, the dildo hit him right between the eyes n knocked his gegs clean aff. Poor cunt looked understandably shaken. If a dildo, or any phallic shaped object ever hits ye between the eyes, it really should be in a situation where two consenting adults have sat doon n had a chat about it before it occurs. Stevie wis in thee tae, and took a mild doing ass the NAK for his previous turn. I’m sure he took a double underhook powerbomb anaw, or someone did. How the fuck can I remember that after a week? fuck sake man. Anyway THE FINISH.

BT and Wolfgang get caught up trying tae pap each other out, only for the seemingly sleekit Grado tae run up behind them and dump them oot, and we had our final two. Grado vs Renfew. A classic battle of twisted heel vs the maist over cunt in wrestling not named Daniel Bryan. A classic battle of man who wis hit by a car, and one of the perpetrators of said hit and run. They battle it out, before Grado triumphantly hoists Renfrew over the top rope to WIN THE 2014 SQUARE GO AND SEND THE GARAGE INTAE DELIRIUM. LIFE IS A MYSTERY NO LONGER, MYSTERY SOLVED, LIFE WIS AW ABOOT GRADO WINNING THE SQUARE GO AND GROWN MEN CRYING TOGETHER WHEN IT HAPPENED!

Then those happy tears, turned tae quite genuine sad tears. On the inside anyway. We aw wanted tae fuckin greet our eyes oot when it happened. Dont fuckin lie. I dont gie a fuck how NAK 4 Life ye might be fuckers, there’s something inherently wrang wae ye if ye dont want Grado tae win things and be happy. Yer tortured. So when Renfrew climbed back in (fuck knows if his feet touched the floor btw this could very well be a similar typa thing tae Austin being eliminated, and jumping back in tae win the Rumble in 1997) and tossed Grado oot tae become the NEWWWWWWW 2014 SQUARE GO CHAMPION, a part of my soul died. A part of yours died anaw. Fuck…a part of Renfews probably died tae he just disnae gie a resemblance of a fuck about it. He’s the number one contender so fuck you and your romantic notions of Grado showing up at Still Smokin wae contract in hand, and a bag filled wae aw the teeth Whippy knocked oot by hitting him with a dozen suicide dives. Fuck you. You don’t deserve that moment, instead ye deserve the heeliest fuckin thing since the invention of heels and heely things. Chris Renfrew wins the Square Go. Nae amount of hingin aboot, desperately hoping for Dallas tae run oot n go “haud the bus a minute, THIS MATCH WILL RE-START!….for some reason” Nope. Nae dice. Away hame prick.

Overall the Square Go wis an excellent show. I apologise for taking fuckin ages reviewing it, but life happens sometimes. And sometimes its quite shite. For aw the other times, there’s wrestling.

Take care, and if ye happen tae be an infant, firstly…sorry about aw the swearing, and always haud her mammys haun when ye cross the road. Safety first, then teamwork.

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