Yer Davie Curren wrote last weeks RAW review as a “heel” so I dunno whit that makes me really. I’ve delivered too many impormptu brainbusters tae ma poor wee dug to ever qualify as a face. So I dunno. I’ll go wae nae angle ataw eh? Just yer usual slangy, sweary, tangent based review of a wrestling show. Infact naw. I’ll do it in the buff. I’m the naked reviewer. Infact nah…that cannae work either, I use a laptop so I cannae succumb tae burny baw syndrome for the sake of having an angle tae review wrestling shows from. Eh…………….I’VE GOT IT!
From this point forward I will be wrestling reviewer who disnae use punctuation yep thats right i will just continue to ramble oan n oan n oan n oan without any full stops commas semi colons brackets NOT EVEN A HYPHEN just text no paragraphs either just wall after wall of unbroken text and you’re gonnae love it cause you love my style you love how i break it down wanna get rich i’ll show ya howwwwwwww awww here fuck this i cannae even keep this up as a joke this is fuckin torture
So here. I’ll review RAW now eh? Might aswell, I’ve got swingball practice at hauf 7, but aside fae that I’m free as a bird.
I dunno what it is about the way Randy Orton hauds title belts man, but it fills me with a white hot, unfiltered rage. It’s the only time I can ever recall title belts looking feart. The belts themselves look fuckin terrified. Like he whispers “if you ever leave me, i’m gonnae kidnap your Intercontinental pal and pump ees wee erse” tae them every night. He comes out with his hostage belts and shouts at us again. Randy Orton seems tae think shouting is a “style” now. I dunno whit the fuck the script is there. When did that become his thing? Instead of straight up boring, its boring and fuckin loud. He’s annoyed at having to defend his title again. He doesn’t understand why he has to defend his belt against a bunch of folk he’s beat before, when Dean Ambrose hasnt defended his belt since Jimmy Wang Yangs Halloween party in 2005.
Out come Trips and Steph. Surely to console their wee prince eh? Its ok Randall. You dont have to breastfeed the belts anymore, they’re aw grown up now, and instead of an Elimination Chamber match, you can defend the belts against against Curt Hawkins in a pillow fight!
But naw! curveball! Triple H n Stephanie explain that they’re thinking about going in a different direction! If Daniel Bryan can beat Snoreton in the main event he might be the boy! Fuckin ….whit the fuck’s even happenin man? Why am I watching Triple H lead a fuckin YES! chant? I don’t understand the world anymore. I need CM Punk tae explain whit the meaning of this shit is. Where are ye Punker?
The Shield vs Rey, Big E and Kofi
Recently I’ve been a wee bit scunnered with this shit. 6 man tags aw the fuckin time. A pool of 8 or 9 guys, and 3 are chosen tae go up against The Shield. Maybe them finally having a match wae The Wyatts has eased that sense of disillusion though. Its gied the 6 man concept a wee bit of extra pep in its step, and this match has aw the gid pep. Aw the stuff ye need. Give us each day our daily hiptoss from Kofi Kingston, and follow that up wae a wee back elbow for Dean Ambrose. Know a question that isnae asked enough….why did Kofi switch tae long tights? its no like he didnae have impressive muscle definition in they pins. Impressive enough tae show off with pride. Whit happened tae yer wee knickers Kofi son? Ambrose drives a shoulder intae Kofi’s poor wee concaved chest, leading to the internal combustion of one of his kidneys. Some heid scissorin and hurricanrana’n followed from Rey, as Big E and Kofi scooped the remains of Kofis burst kidney intae a polly bag. Here btw, see that Superman Punch? fuck me man. Roman Reigns gets mad hang time on that thing. With Rey perched on Rollins shoulders, Reigns makes a blind tag and launches himself intae it. Full pelt. Rey Mysterio comes crashing to the mat. Rey Mysterio has perished.
I’ll no lie tae yees guys, see ever since Roman Reigns jumped aff the ropes a few months ago when he was set up for the 619 and speared Rey tae next Christmas? I’ve had a widey for big Reignsy. When he delivers that elbow, ye can actually see the recipients lung being punctured. Live action dismantling of these cunts.
Finally we get a wee taste of Big E. Him and they glistening chebs near take Reignys heid aff with a huge clothesline, followed by another, and a big splash in the corner. I’ve always had Big E down as a gent of a man. A proper laugh tae have at house parties, sittin in the corner compiling his favourite Milli Vanilli tracks on the hosts Ipod, but in this match he wis a brute. Burst big Romans eye something fierce just from the sheer impact of aw his brawness. Hits a belly to belly suplex throw, which Jerry Lawler called a “German Suplex!” making aw the guilt I’ve felt at calling moves incorrectly in the past vanish in one go.
The big yin hits a splash on a decidedly bloodied Roman Reigns, before a stramash leads tae everyone bar Reigns, Big E and Ambrose clearing out. Reigns nails Big E with another stoater of a Superman Punch and wis about tae go for the most heroic of spears, before the rug is pulled fae up under him by a Dean Ambrose blind tag. Clearly concerned at his big pals rapid blood loss, Deano gies him the chance to get it seen tae in the cheekiest way possible, as he sneaks in and hits his finisher on Big E for the win.
Darkness. That music. Those bearded men. Those damn bearded men.
Bray speaks first. Bray speaks loudest without saying much at all. His words are often profound, but on this occasion he’s content to simply inform us all that he will build his empire by the sea, and watch his enemies drown while he reigns supreme. The Shield are merely stepping stones to him becoming king. They’ve been giving big Harper some mic time lately and that’s whit we like tae see. The only way The Wyatts can have longevity as a stable as opposed to “Bray and his two pals” , is if Harper and Rowan devlop characters. They need voices. They need something to invest in other than them huvin really big beards and pulling scary faces. Rowan in particular, whose work in the ring has always been very limited so aye. A good promo, but more importantly, a fuckin important one. Growth ma man. Its aw about growth.
Fuck sake. Jerry Lawler can really ruin anything if he puts his mind to it eh? I wis yet tae see a Bad News Barrett promo I didnae like…until Lawler stuck his stupid neb in and ruined this yin. Barrett tells aw the cunts who watched the Superbowl and they’re a bunch of fat shites, and Lawler inexplicably stood up, told Bad News Barrett he hopes that he’s no here for much longer (that’s a death threat eh? sounds like wan tae me…POLICIA! take this man and his shite patter away) and sits back doon again. Where’s yer fuckin decorum Jerry mate?
Jack Swagger vs Christian
Jack Swagger looked really strong early on. Braw wee spot where Christian does some interpretative dance moves, only to have his feet pulled from under him, sending him flying chin first tae the apron. Nice tae see ye back Christian pal! Captain Charisma has always been one of my favourite guys who I don’t really have an opinion on. I realise that makes nae sense, but hear me out. Pretty much everycunt in the company right now make me feel some kinda way. Wae the majority of them its a “so fuck” kinda way, and for a few its positive, but Christian? He disnae really register wae me. I see him come oot and feel fuck all. Then he starts wrestling and I like it. So aye. No really got a whole lot of this charisma he professes tae be packin, but he’s a gid boay. Anyway….Swagger continues flingin Christian about lit a dirty hanky. Goes up top, but gets caught wae the toe end of Christians right boot. Missile dropkick tae follow. Plants Swagger on the middle rope, and does that hing where he launched himself over the top rope tae the outside, lands safely, then scuds the opponents jaw. A fine show of athleticism Mr Charisma, but utterly fuckin pointless nonetheless. Swagger catches a crossbody attempt, and tries tae turn it intae the Patriot Lock, but that’s reversed, and so is a Swagger Bomb attempt, only this time the reversal leads tae a sexy wee rollup, and Christians return tae RAW is a story of poor abdominal definition and fuckin TRIUMPH!
Zeb and Cesaro shake their heids ruefully in Jacks direction, and he shites on the mat and rolls in it as a form of sado masochistic self punishment.
The New Age Outlaws vs The Rhodes Boays (Tag Title Match in a Steel Cage)
Hello there! nice to see ye again, and welcome to this weeks instalment of “Why is this in a Cage?” With the “escaping the cage” option eliminated, and the fact that it wis a traditional tag match, with cunts on the apron and suchlike. Whit the fuck wis the point? we’d soon find oot eh. Spinny wee corner rollup from Cody brings an early 2 count for the former champs, and another wee rollup gets another 2. The Outlaws look flustered. Probably cause they’re both really auld, and sold out arenas tend tae be a source of a lot of startling noisy noises. Road Dogg kicks in and does a md armbar takedown, before waddling towards Cody like he’s filled his nappy and kickin him in the back viciously. A wee bit of armbarring on the ground fae Cody. So many armbars man, this match is in a fuckin cage, and least fling somecunt intae it! Goldust and Road Dogg huv a beautiful wee exchange, which is pretty remarkable considering they used tae share sleeves of tramadol in wan sitting together back in the late 90s. Billy Gunn provides the percussion for the crowds CM Punk chants by stomping away on Goldys lower back. Then Goldy gets slung intae the cage dome first. Goldys isolated as fuck here man. C’mon Cody son, fix up, look sharp and dive in there. Road Dogg goes for a wee shake, a possible rattle, and some roll but gets stopped in his tracks by a spinebuster aff Goldy.
HOT TAG! Cody finally gets in, and so does Billy Gunn. Clotheslines fae Cody. Gpes for the Cross Rhodes, but Road Dogg breaks it up, so Goldy flattens him with the most powerful of aw the slams. DISASTER KICK! surely new champs, Billy Gunn is out the fuckin game son! But naw! he valliantly gets the shoulder up after two and Cody brings us to the conclusion of a barnstorming episode of “Why is this in a cage?” when he climbs up tae the top, gathers himself, takes a deep breath and fuckin MOONSAULTS the Road Dogg aff the top of the cage. Incase yer unfamiliar with what a moonsault is, its a move where ye face away from the surface ye intend on landing on, so essentially he climbed to a platform 15 feet in the air, and jumped backwards with only a decidedly auld Road Dogg tae break his fall. Here’s the sickener but….Road Dogg wisnae the legal man, the legal Ass-Man wis Billy boay, and he sticks Cody wae the Fame-asser for the win.
I reckon the risk Cody took, only tae wind up gettin his erse handed tae him will be one of the things that leads tae the Rhodeies splittin. Which better fuckin happen soon btw. If Goldust vs Cody Rhodes isnae on the Wrestlemania card, considering how the rest of it seems tae be shaping up, it’ll be a fuckin travesty.
Titus O’Neil vs Zack Ryder
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha whit? I know Titus just turned heel, but….whit? Why are WWE splittin up aw their jobber teams, and giving one half of them irrelvant heel turns? and why are none of the people involved Drew Mcintyre? I’m no even watchin this man. It was at this point that I fell asleep last night, so I’m skippin tae the end. Sorry Zack meht, gid tae see yer alive n that. Clash of the Titus brings about the win for Titus, and I assume the 3 minutes of action that went before would have involved him flinging poor Zack aboot. NEXT!
Emma’s oan RAW! Fuckin love Emma so I dae. This is one of many reasons I’m annoyed at myself for falling out of the habit of watching NXT, cause its a properly good, diverse wrestling show most of the time. Strong wumins divison, decent tag team division and some stellar stuff at the top of the card. Tae counteract aw that goodness, there’s Mason Ryan. Anyway. Santino comes oot for a dance off with Fandango, and deliberately mispronounces some names n that. I know a lot of folk still love Santino, and I did years ago but its the same shtick every time now really. Same patter, same mannerisms. Too samey. He’s a funny cunt clearly, but he needs a wee bit of an edge or it’s always gonnae bore me. Anyway, he says instead of him dancing wae ma man Johnny Curtis, it would be better if he picks a wuman out the crowd tae have a dance off with “Summer Day” and of course he picks Emma oot. Why else have we been catching wee glimpses of her in the crowd for the past 4 weeks? anyway…aye. Emma does her usual, oddly erotic daft bitta dancing and wins the dance off. The hings Summer Rae does wae they legs would be illegal in countries where really…really…really long legs are illegal. Gid segment. Hi Emma! dont be a stranger dawl.
Sheamus vs Curtis Axel
Missed ye Sheamus son! For me he had his most impressive spell in the ring right before getting injured, so there’s nae reason why he couldnae pick up where he left off. Especially if he’s in there with this total melter of a boay. No hard tae be the dominant force in a match against a non entity. Swear tae fuck, Curtis Axels gravestone better read “A stain on Mr Perfects name…shite beard anaw” or there’s nae justice in the world. Too harsh ye say? well I say the smell you create when ye walk about wearing 5 different after shaves is “too harsh” so fuckin HAVE THAT ya midden. Fuck am I even on about man? Did I honestly just suggest what should be on Curtis Axels gravestone? listen pal, I don’t actually want ye tae die or that, it was only jokes. I’m sure yer really quite sound. Speaking of sounds, an echo went round the arena when Sheamus reversed a neckbreaker attempt on the apron, intae yon chest beating spot he does, before cleaning neckbeard oot wae a big lariat on the apron. Axel sends Sheamus shoulder first intae the ringpost, and follows that up by rubbing his wrist on Sheamus’s nose fur….eh…some reason. Mibbe he drapped some chocolate spread on it and really wanted his big Irish pal tae huv a right good sniff eh? we’ll go wae that. Sheamus must draw great strength fae sniffing a chocolatey wrist cause about a minute later he’d hit the Finlay Roll, followed by the brogue kick and that wis game over.
BUHTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESTA TIME. Nah I’m sorry. There’s him and his glaikit veiny melt, and there’s Del Rio wae a mic in haun tae, I’m no listening tae their words cause I value the shattered remnants of my sanity so instead I’ll tell ye the positives. Firstly, they wurnae talking for long. Fuck knows what it was about, but it lasted a couple of minutes tops. Secondly, Batista had jeans on that didnae look like denim body paint, so thats always gid and thirdly but not least(ly), Del Rio scudded Batistas jaw for a wee while so that was fun. Who gives a fuck but? I’m sure this feud will keep giving folk enough time for a fag/coffee/gammy break during RAW, so that’s about the only positive I can take fae this vapid sinkhole of futility masquerading as a wrestling feud.
The Wyatt Family vs R-Truth, Xavier Woods and Dolph Ziggler
Fuckin squash written all over it eh? Wid absolutely break yer heart considering my mainest of all the main men Dolph Ziggler is part of the squash-ees. Early on it looked no bad though, some big forearms and general human bashing fae Rowan, was followed by a smashin bit of double teamin from Truth and Woods. Bray gets in and heiders Truth, before hitting the splash in the corner. Dolph shuffles nervously on the apron, picturing himself selling Sister Abigail like its a fuckin lethal injection or suhin. He finally hits in and nails big Harper wae the crossbody, followed by a million rapid jabs. Big dropkick lands firmly on big Harpers dial, before he hits that DDT where he jumps 50 feet in the air, hoists his opponent up there with him, reads him a wee story, then finally lands the fuckin thing. There’s selling, and then there’s showing aff Ziggler meht. Calm doon. Harper responds to all that by knocking our poor wee Dolph clean oot wae a big spinning lariat, and then Ziggler got the fulfill his match-long prophecy of selling the absolute shite outta Sister Abigail. Bray tagged in, knocks our poor wee Dolph the fuck out and that…is indeed, that.
The Shield appear on the titantron, with the intention to cut a really scathing promo about Bray Wyatt being a figment of his ain imagination, and as decent as the wee promo wis, the lasting memory of the whole thing comes fae Bray laughin maniacally and saying he welcomes this war. So dae we Bray ma man, so dae we.
Naomi vs Aksana
Would ye fuckin believe it? This match actually got more than 2 minutes, and it was actually pretty fuckin good. Wee snap suplex fae Aksana, and a whole range of excellent work fae Naomi, much of it involving her rubbing that breathtaking rear in Aksanas face. We even had time for a wee scandal, although I have nae fuckin clue whit the fuss wis about ataw. AJ refers to Naomi as a “baked potato” and unless I’m missing some kinda subtext there, I have nae fuckin clue how ye turn that intae a race thing. What part of that is even remotely racial? she’s clearly making reference tae the tinfoil-esque attire yon Naomi is sporting. Fuckin madness. It was all going so well, until we got a wee sniff of a botch when Aksana goes for a pin, only for Naomi tae keep on clutching at her face (with one shoulder elevated) we had about 5 seconds of her sitting on top of Naomi, before Naomi realised she really needed tae put the shoulder doon if this shit wis gonnae progress any further. Split legged moonsault fae Naomi gets the win, and brought a surprisingly enjoyable wee Divas match tae its merry end. Alicia Foxx caught the rear view aff Naomi anaw, after jumping in tae gie Aksana hauners.
Randy Orton vs Daniel Bryan
I have a love/hate relationship wae yer Randall Orton. Fuckin HATE the vast majority of the way he lives his life. He smokes rollups for a start, he hauds title belts hostage, he encourages any lassies who breastfeed in public to wink at him while they dae it, he also cuts really fuckin dreary promos and has the capacity to wrestle some turgid matches BUT absolutely fuckin everything he’s involved with we Daniel Bryan is gold. The matches in particular, but even the odd promo here and there has been decent when its Bryan based. I fell asleep watching this RAW live, so my baws had a right gid tingle about them tae be seeing it for the first time. Usual wee mixture of knees, kicks and uppercuts from DBry to kick it off. Wraps Ortons right leg roon the ring post a coupla times anaw, cause fuck it, he’s Randy Orton, why the fuck not? DBry was all over the cunt here btw. Beautiful storytelling so it wis. Paying particular attention tae knocking the utter shite outta the cunts right leg. Orton has a wee pull at Dannys beard cause he wanted tae see if Tres Semme conditioner really does get all the tugs out. Then Daniel kicks his leg oot his leg for a while longer, before whispering sweet nothings in his ear, then proceeding tae throw Orton at Michael Cole. Cole recomposed himself in time tae call a beauty of a top rope ‘rana from DBry, followed by some attempted surfboardin, and brutal leg duntin.
The attack on Ortons legs disnae let up for a second as we’re right intae a brutal half crab. Randy crawls out, and Danny follows, catching a backdrop on the barricade for his troubles. Finally the face of the WWE gets some muhfuckin offence in!
Multiple kicks tae the chest from DBry, but when he goes for the big roundhouse Orton catches him and slings a stoater of a suplex. DBry clings tae his shoulder as if Orton gave him a sare dunt, which leads Randall tae focus his attack on said shoulder. Thank the fuckin lord it wisnae his chin eh? we’d have undoubtedly been subjected tae a 5 minute chinlock intermission in the middle of one of the best matches in recent RAW memory. Nae gid ataw.
Orton launched Dbry shoulder first at the ring post, and d’ye know whit? for the first time since he won they belts he looked, and felt like a worthy champion. That’s how much Daniel Bryan can elevate ye. That’s why Bray Wyatt beating him clean at the Rumble will lead tae an absolute stoater of a push. He fuckin matters. Same as Reigns being the only one oot the Shield tae beat Punk anaw. That’s significant cause the other two couldnt do it, and Punk matters (or he did matter, depending on whit side of the ‘is it a work?’ fence yer on)
Orton continues batterin ma Dannys poor wee sore airm, and whilst I was viewing this as an appreciator of wrestling tae this point, theres only so much of watching Daniel Bryan take a leathering that I can handle before I staun up and go “HAW YOU! THAT’S ENOUGH”
The boays engage in some uppercut warfare on the top rope, before DBry hits a stoater of a missile dropkick, landing on aforementioned sare arm in the process. Orton finds himself in the warm embrase of a wee YES! lock but its only a brief yin, as Orton stretches one of his 8 legs oot long enough to reach the bottom rope (btw in this awful analogy, Randy Orton is a spider, and if yer wondering if I’m going anywhere with it..the answer tae that is a decisive naw)
Then something really smashin happened. Firstly we see DBry force Orton intae the corner with some kicks, followed by a running dropkick. He’s building that momentum nicely, and looks set tae go for a second one when WHAMMY! big dropkick oot the corner fae Orton. Lovely wee spot, proper stauner inducer. Orton’s right in the ascendency, and looks for the RKO, but catches a fuckin SUPERKICK tae the jaw for his troubles, followed by the flying headbutt. Near fall. Then the demon in the Primark suit stoats out tae disrupt matters, only tae find himself and Orton on the sharp end of a suicide dive. This bearded freight train of fury shall not be halted. Kane runs at Dbry and gets planted wae a drop toehold on the steps, before returning to the ring to triumphantly dodge the RKO and KNOCK ORTON THE FUGG OUT with the flying knee. A fuckin clean pin for Daniel Bryan over the world champion eh? would be hugely significant if kofi hudnae done the same thing a few weeks ago, but still. I’ll no grumble. Wonderful match wae the best of endings. That was until Corporate Cunty Kane and Orton decide tae get mega cheeky, and they surround oor Dbry, before the big red bawless machine plants him wae a chokelsam. S’at aboot? yees used tae be brothers! Bound together by a mutual dissatisfaction with the amount of crisps ye get in yer average bag of Cheese n Onion Walkers. Or eh……I dunno. Wrestling?
Overall, I really fuckin enjoyed that RAW, but I’m a man who remains convinced the CM Punk thing is a work, and its all leading to something fuckin amazin. You should join me in said belief, its a bit daft, but fuckin bliss at the same time.
8 moonsaults aff the top of a steel cage outta 10. Thats the grade. Thats the end of this review. Be good to you and yours. I’ve been Martin Smith, and you’ve been a grand audience. Mainly cause I was picturing each and every one of ya’ll naked as I wrote. Aye that includes you…and yer maw. x