Betty White was a guest on RAW this week, and as much as a respect how much life she still has in her at 92, my overriding thought throughout was “whit?”
She comes oot, arm n arm wae Big Show, and its revealed that they’re dating, and Betty is expecting tae give birth tae a foot any day now. Trips n Steph interrupt this vile shit, tae show off just how fuckin shapely Stephs lookin these days, and tae gie the expectant mother a wee cuddle. Big Show shoots them heavy growlers, cause his role in this wee melodrama is that of the protector. Guarding his spawn, and his maiden in the face of danger. Erroneously Triple H n Steph think being nice tae Betty White gies them permission tae say words, and have me listen tae them. Triple H is aw “we said we’d CONSIDER Daniel Bryan to be the face of the company if he could beat Orton, no that he wid be for sure” and a man in the crowd is aw “I feel misled!” Me tae man in the crowd, me tae, and much respect tae ye for conveying yer feelings in a controlled manner.
Orton interrupts them by sliding down tae the ring on a slipstream of the “Arabian Beauty” body mist that gies him that rapey shimmer. Stephanie urges Randall tae get the fuck outta there, and Randy urges her to remain calm. He wisnae gonnae handcuff her husband tae the ropes, and gie her a sly winch this time. It wisnae good. I dont care for his words. Disnae matter if he shouts them, whispers them, or dictates the fuckin things tae Morgan Freeman. They’re shite words. He wants tae be on cereal boxes and billboards. Daniel Bryan chants ring out throughout. Nae…cunt….gies….a….fuck.
Then Daniel Bryan came oot n I woke up briefly. The semi I hud for Steph, became a full on rager. Danny hits Steph n Trips wae some high grade sass, and asks for a match with Kane this week. Orton pipes up lit “haw……haw you…thats enough!” Bryan reminds him that the two people he is now in cahoots with were his hostages for a while during the aforementioned handcuffing/kissing incident. Orton urges Triple H tae just gie the signal, and he’ll punt DBrys temple fae here tae Seattle. Triple H takes a break fae chewing tobacco, and shovin soor plooms up that fuckin beak, tae reveal that the punting wont be necessary, cause Daniel Bryans got the night aff. Cunts are aw “NO!” Trips is like “YES!” and that wis all she wrote for the opening segment.
The Wyatts vs Goldust, Cody Rhodes and Rey Mysterio
No gonnae bother wae my usual moan about how often we see this kinda match, cause the boayzies are still daein the business. Cody wriggles out of a backdrop fae Rowan, and delivers an uppercut to his daft melt. Goldy nails Harper wae a wee Goldycanrana, and Cody follows that up wae a missile dropkick and this means that not only are the Rhodes brerrs still united, they fleein aw err the camp!
Cody knocks Harper down on the outside, and sends Rey flyin belly first to land safely on Harper. Back in the ring, Rowan sets aboot Goldy, before being launched at him by Harper, intae a big splash in the corner. The bizzarrest yin continues getting his shit ruined for a while, before hitting a powerslam on Harper and that gies him a wee glimmer of hope at getting a tag, he creeps err tae his buddy Rey, and the wee fella goes sperr. I’ve been slightly critical of him since his return, admittedly a wee bit bored of the same auld shite, but he reeled out a seated senton followed by a tornado DDT on Harper here. So that wis pretty fuckin neat ma man. Hit the 619 on Harper after that anaw, although he had Bray set up for it anaw and Bray ducked out. Whit followed wis a procession of everycunt knockin doon every other cunt, before Rey sets Harper up for another 619 only for Bray in his infinite sleekitness tae tag himself in , catch Rey on the run and lay him and his burst knees the fuck out wae a beauty of a Sister Abigail.
The Shield having a wee chat wae the cutest of aw the buttons, Renee Young. She gives me a warmth. I dunno if its just how much of a cute wee bastard she is, or its her lassie stauner for aw the wrasslers, but shes a smiley wee ride, and I’m intae it. I wis intae this promo anaw. The Shield arent fuckin scared of yer Wyatts, nor is Dean Ambrose scared tae defend that US Title, but ye see there’s eh…paperwork n that. Ye need tae file paperwork for such matches tae happen, so see without the paperwork? nae match. Simple mathematics ma man. Mon frere. Mon souer. Then after some classic Roman Reigns mind games, all of a sudden Ambrose is lit “IMMA PUT THIS STRAP ON THE LINE…TA-NITE!” and he’s issued an open challenge. Whit a crazy madcap bastard you are son. Whit if Mabel and/or Mo answer it mate? whit ye gonnae dae then? whit if its Evan Bourne, up on Khalis shoulders, wae a jaicket hiding any trace of Khali. Whit aboot that? Did ye think of that Dean meht? Reconsider this nonsense ma man. Naebdy wants tae see ye perish.
From the divine, to the silliness. The Outlaws save Betty White fae the cluthces of Vickie Guerrero, n invite her for some tea. She says aye, cause she’s 92, and tea is one of the things that preserves her. Its a similar situation wae men under 25, and drinking cider oot the bottle. Its our fuel.
Fandango vs Santino Marella
So Emma and Summer were cuttin aboot lookin marvellous, and Fandango won wae the tap rope leg drap. The Miz came oot n complained aboot no being on the card. Know why yer no on the card Miz? its cause everycunt hates ye. Even yer perenially indifferent da managed tae muster up enough enthusiasm tae ask yer maw “is that wee pollution really mine?” Here’s whit tae dae, get tae fuck. Forever.
Sheamus talkin tae mad Byron Saxton backstage. Sheamus is “ECKSOITIT” tae be back, and we’re ecksoitit tae see ye anaw kid. God bless ye, and every inch of yer pigmentation free existence. He’s gonnae kick numerous cunts teeth in and thats aw there is tae it.
The Real Americans vs Sheamus and Christian
Zeb gies Sheamus and Christian aggro about being a coupla border jumping immigrant fucks, whilst seamlessly segwaying intae telling us that Antonio Cesaro is gonnae become the first Real American WWE World Heavyweight Champion. Ye see, thats ironic cause oor Tony is Swiss! haha. Wait, did I yase the word irony right there? Who cares. Christian hits Swagger wae a lovely middle rope dropkick tae get this wee gubwatering encounter under way. Sheamus and Cesaro both try n hiptoss each other, before Sheamus gets relly fuckin angry at whats unfolding, and lays Tony spark out with a big clothesline. Soon after these two get fuckin sick of aw the game playing. Nae messin troops, right in there with the maist vicious of uppercut exchanges. Cesaro gets the upper hand of course, cause that cunt wis built for 3 things. Pumpin burds while supporting their whole body weight, being able tae stack motors on top of each other by hand, and European Uppercuts. Sheamus hits back wae a big jab of his ain though.
Cesaro gets in there was Christian and its fairly evident that these two like wrasslin each other. Aw the chemistry. Aw the Cesaro chuckin Christian up in the air and catchin him flush on his fragile lookin jaw wae the big uppercut. Swagger gets in and cheekily keeps a haud of Christians leg as he reached for the tag, before chuckin him towards the corner, Swagger bombing him tae next Julaugust, and providing the launch pad fur Cesaro tae leapfrong over him and hit the double foot stomp. Braw wee match this btw, a lot of Christian being a wee hingin in there bastard followed, as he looked set tae be counted out, before he realised this wisnae the mid 90s and unless its deliberate, cunts dont lose by countouts anymore. He then gets catapulted by Cesaro intae the warm embrace of a slam by Swagger, but he kicks out at 2 there anaw. This man don’t give an eff about his own effin welfare! its an absolute riot!
Sheamus eventually gets in wae Swagger, and hits a running knee, followed by the Finlay Roll. Aw sorts of mad shenanigans occur after that, including yer man Cesaro jumping in fae aff screen tae uppercut Sheamus. Christian breaking up the Swaggerlock wae a crossbody (which Swagger released the hold tae take for…eh…some reason) and Sheamus knocked Swagger the FUCK out wae the brogue kick off the ropes for the win. Crackin wee match so it wis, didnae even have any time tae go off on weird tangents about how Colt Cabana invented the wheel, too busy drinkin it in like a tall class of Aldis ain Lemonade. So refreshing.
Here btw. the main event’s Cena vs Orton the night. Cause RAW is about bringing you NEW and FRESH versions of the same fuckin match we’ve been watchin for 10 fuckin years. Cena’s cutting a wee backstage promo about it, and as on form as he wis I found mysell fatigued by it aw. My mind wandered to how much ejaculate I’d have produced if Roman Reigns did win the Rumble, then I wondered how high a price I could command for dem juices.
Dolph Ziggler vs Alberto Del Rio
Speakin of things that get ma juices flowing, this feud was one of my favourites of last year. No just for the cash in, but any match they had following it wis fuckin stellar, so naturally neither cunt has been anywhere near a belt for months, cause Berts got naebelts, and Dolphs got nae push. Bert kicks have hunners of kicks though, then Dolph had 10 eblow drops, and wee til o whirl backbreaker reversal intae the fameasser for a quick near fall. Within 2 minutes Dolphs been caught by an armbreaker, and a wee superkick and thats that. Dolph jobs again. Fuckin bolt. Get tae fuck. Fuck the whole team ae ye. Not only did he job, he got fuckin leathered efter it anaw, only for Bawheidsta tae come doon and make the save. So tae recap….Del Rio wins the match in about 4 minutes. Del Rio attacks Ziggler afterwards, and has him screamin for his mammy, and Batista gets tae be the hero n save the fuckin day. Powerbomb through the table for Del Rio, then bizarrely Batista picks up a tv monitor, before eh…well…putting it back doon again. Thats it. Two of the best cunts they have BURIED tae get a 44 year old has been (who wis shite in the first place) over. Fuck Batista, and his stupit veiny foreheid, and fuck anyone who thinks the way he lives his life is awrite. Mibbe a bit harsh there eh? WELL MAYBE YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT!
Nah I’m jokes. Ye can stiy, but take yer shoes aff ffs, this isnae a doss hoose.
Triple H gies Batista a row for leathering Del Rio. Batista fuckin whispers his lines, cause he’s all about SILENT INTENSITY! He’s a BROODING DESTROYER FROM A LAND FAR FAR A—ah I cannae even feign excitement here really, the whole point is for Trips tae announce Del Rio vs Bawheid for Elimination Chamber. I tripped up over aw the fucks I dont give, and chipped ma tooth. Sare dunt.
Lita’s announced as the next inductee intae the hall of fame. Well done n that eh. She always managed tae strike a fine balance between being an innovator in the Womens division, and being an absolute fuckin ride. A hunner times more deserving of her induction than Sunny ever wis.
Then we had arguably the most confusing segment in RAW history, that didnae involve a small Japanese man cutting aff Val Venis’ dick. Road Dogg tries tae slip some kinda substance intae Betty Whites tea, before she asks fur lemons and switches cups wae Billy Gunn. For the life of me I cannae fathom any plausible reason as tae why The Road Dogg wid be involved in a plot tae drug a 92 year old wuman. Are we alluding tae the New Age Outlaws daein a bittae the raping here? is that whit’s occuring? ach who gies a fuck. Wrasslin n that.
Rybaxel vs The Usos
The Outlaws are out for some commentary shenanigans, so fuck knows whit The Road Dogg wis trying tae put in Bettys tea, cause Billy drunk and it he appears tae be…well, alive n that. Decidedly unraped. Jimmy or perhaps Jey does a wee shake, rattle n roll. Road Dogg stauns up fae his chair n goes “DID YOU JUST@ ME BRO?” and gets nae response. Billy Gunn starts convulsing wae stomach pains, so it wid seem its some kinda laxative Road Dogg wis trying tae drug Betty White wae. Again I cannae even begin tae imagine why. Mibbe he’s intae the thought of auld comediennes shittin their skants or suhin? Fuck knows, either way, this match wis awrite, but fairly brief. Uso number one drives Axel intae the corner, before hittin the Samoan Drop. Then whilst Primary Uso dives on Ryback on the outside, Secondary Uso (Or Uso: the Sequel) nails the big splash aff the top rope tae seal the win for the boyazies. They take great pleasure in pointing at The Outlaws, seemingly well aware that Billy Gunns about tae shite his himself. Billy Gunn does indeed excrete faecal matter ootae…ootae whit? HIS ASS-MAN….BEWP BEWP
Dean Ambrose issues an open challenge for the US Title….
AND MARK HENRY ONLY WENT AND ANSWERED THAT SHIT! Awwww Mark mate. I quite often tweet Mark Henry and ask him tae go on wee lunch dates wae me when he’s in the country, and he’s never responded, so I spent the duration of this match sittin next tae the telly, wae a pot full ah Heinz spaghetti, trying tae feed him it through the screen. He just widnae scran it though, instead choosing tae knock Ambrose over wae some stiff lariats, and a wee running powerslam. He proceeds tae chuck Ambrose about for a while, so Deano seeks the solace of his Shield comrades, only for Mark Henry tae come FLYING err the top rope wae a Corkscrew Plancha. Landing square oan the….NAH im pullin yer pisser. Mark Henry is a fuckin tank mate, only way yer gettin him Corkscrew Plancha’in anycunt is if he does it accidentally after ye shoot him ootae a cannon.
The big yin takes some jabs in the corner before fighting out by delivering that size 27 boot straight tae Deanos jaw, and he proceeds tae fling him tae aw the corners. Ambrose gets intae the ascendency, and goes for that finisher that naecunt seems tae know the name of, but big Mark reverses it intae the Worlds Strongest Slam Wis a title reign that had lasted since Betty Whites 6th birthday party coming tae an end? Well it probably wid have, but sleekit mc sqeekyvoice Seth Rollins dived in and got Ambrose the DQ. Then yer Roman Reigns spears poor Mark in hauf for his troubles. So thats nae belts for Mark Henry, and nae unbroken ribs either.
This is whit its all about. This gear here. Yer Wyatts come tae ringside and engage in staredown wae The Sheild at the other side of the ring. Baith stables rise tae the apron and exchange evils once more. Who’ll blink first? Naecunt. Reignsy steps intae the ring, and Bray follows. LETS GET IT AWN! But Bray wis at it guys. Classic psychology mate. Fuckin mind games! He calls aff Harper and Rowan and they aw slide away intae the night. No gien a fuck whit the people want. This wis aw about gettin the upper hand in the mind games for Bray and the boays. Know whit else? That match will be the best 6 man tag match in WWE history probably. Well if they replaced Rowan wae Ricky Steamboat in his prime or suhin, it wid be set in stone, but wae the 6 lads involved right now, there’s still a fair gid chance of it.
Nikki Smella, Brie Smella and Cameron vs AJ, Aksana and Alicia Foxx
Right this can get tae fuck. Where’s ma Nattie? whys Tamina on the outside and no in the actual match? Whits the meaning of this? Naw. I’m no even re-watching it. Cannae mind if I slept through this when it wis live or no, but I fuckin hope I did. Cameron gets the win wae the Girlbye, or I think thats whit Micheal Cole called it, but really…….who gies a fuck? who gies anything ye could even pass off as a fuck? mind aw they fucks I wisnae gien earlier that I tripped err? well the mountain of fucks I couldnae give about this match created a vortex, which me, the dug and aw my wrasslin figures entered, and we spun around…and around…and around…..until nothing mattered but fuckin circular motion…NEXT
Daniel Bryan batters Kane
Daniel Bryan was told he had the night off earlier, but instead…whilst Kane is delivering his wee apology speech for scuddin Dbrys jaw last week, oot comes DBry and he’s in nae mood for chat. In that ring, Chokeslam dodged, kicks Kane tae the ootside. Kane’s lit that “better move fae here before this wee cunt suicide dives iz!” but its too late…WHAMMY! Suicide Dive connects. Dropkick err the barrier. Wee Yes! chant tae round it off. A spiffing good time.
At this point I glanced at the wee timer on the bottom right corner of the screen tae see how much time we had left. Bearing in mind Cena vs Orton wis still tae come. How long can I expect tae have tae pretend this shite is relevant? gie the cunts their due btw, both matches they worked wae the belts on the line were more than passable, but that still disnae make seeing this shite any more of an arse burster. I just…..I dont think I can dae it guys. I cannae. 20 fuckin minutes…aw naw, thats aboot 17-18 minutes too many. Right fuck it. Eyes on the prize. Here we fuckin go.
Randall Orton vs John Cena
Cunt wae 2 belts, cunt wae nae belts. Cunt that keeps it high and tight. Cunt that disnae. Cunt that’s a good tim. Cunt that has nae Scottish Fitbaw affiliation im aware of….or eyes. Nae eyes either. Cannae ever forget the lack of eyes.
Hiptoss fae Cena. Orton slides oot. I considered my porn options for once this shite finishes. Suhin wae a blonde I think. A blonde thats gid a gymnastics (gymanstdicks?)
Cena blocks a hiptoss fae Orton, and hits out wae another one of his own. Hiptoss, hiptoss…dead inside.
Bulldog fae Cena, back elbow fae Orton. Dae I have jeans ironed for the morning? I like the dark navy yins the best, they gie ma wee rump that extra bitta lift.
Orton batters Cena aff the announce table, then hits yon backdrop on the barricade. Ye cannae just ALWAYS dae that spot Randy. Its an impact spot. Dae it once a month or suhin man. I could use a snack the noo. Might nick in n get masell a tuna melt, and a muhfuckin Pepsi Max. Whit? wrestling.
Hunners of rope running in this match. Ye cannae just run aboot and expect me tae care guys. Shoulderblock fae Cena, Randy ducks his second shoulder attempt, I ducked under the covers cause here comes the fuckin chinlocks.
Chinlock. Chinlock. Death. Death of the brain. SPIKE DDT! fuckin oota naewhere wae the Spike DDT there Randall mate. Disnae get the job done but, and then we get mare fuckin rope running. Fuck me gently. 5 knuckle so fuckle. Orton reverses the AA intae a sexy backbreaker.
Orton fights oot the AA, and hits a spine shattering powerslam. Sarest dunt. Orton hits yon DDT fae the top rope. Mind he tried that on big show a while back and the daft boats he caws feet slipped aff? Whit a fuckin shanner of a match that wis. STF fae Cena…or as close as he can ever get really.
Cena goes fur the AA, orton reverses intae the RKO OOTA SOMEWHERE! Surely thats it! but wait…..are you fuckin….haud oan..is this a work? or are you telling me John Cena took a finisher from a prominent member of the roster and KICKED OUT AT 2? NAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Nut I’m no fuckin huvin it for a second. AA fae Cena lands so that’s got tae be it anaw….unless…NAWWWWWW. Did Orton dae it anaw? These two guys kickin ot of cunts finishers eh! Och i’ve exhausted this joke noo I think. We’ll move swiftly on tae the finish.
Cena takes Orton up top for the AA, but Orton fights oot and goes for the RKO aff the top. Blocked tae fuck. Cena hits the legdrop tae the back the heid. Follows that wae yer AA and thats lights oot. Two weeks in a row yer champion’s been pinned clean. Weakening the cunt tae fuck ahead of Daniel Bryan taking aw the fuckin belts aff him and his glakit melt.
Overall RAW wis awrite. I particularly enjoyed The Real Americans vs The Real Irish Canadians, and it wis fuckin stoatin tae see Mark Henry. Ziggler jobbing and getting his shit ruined wis the main lowlight. But overall, when ye take The Shield/Wyatts buildup intae consideration anaw. I’ll gie this shit a right solid 7 death valley drivers oota 10.
Time gentleman please. If yer wantin a bag ah crisps fur the road hame TOUGH SHITE. We’re closed.