Haud oan. Did I just see John Cena run doon the ramp tae open RAW and he DIDNAE have any patter for the camera guy? did that happen? is this real life? Aw christ, I hope they huvnae fell oot or anything. Life can be tough on the road sometimes. Squabbles are commonplace when overfamiliarity leads to contempt. Contempt eventually becomes indifference and all of a sudden the Cena and Stu story is at an end. Infact..is his name even Stu? I cannae mind. Why are we even talking about this guys, there’s wrasslin tae be reviewin.
As much as I respect and admire Cena, the promo he cut here has been redundant for aboot 10 year. Somethin about bein on the road tae wrestlemania, but some folk want tae kick him oot the motor. Ye whit? Unless yer daein incredibly eggy farts in a tin and smashin folk over the heid wae it, I really dunno why folk would want ye out the car John son. Cesaro comes out and ends the monotony wae some patter about Cena not being the only one tae beat Orton last week. Cesaro is so confident of becoming the new champion, that he completely obliterated his first name. Didnae need it anymore. When yer the perfect physical specimen fae heid tae toe, and ye can cut promos in 17 different languages, there is no real reason for any sort of reliance on a first name. Sheamus came oot next and said things. Somethin about Cena and Cesaro lookin mega silly when he kicks their teeth in. Christian comes oot on a micro scooter and gies it some patter about how he’s gonnae knock Sheamus’ snaggletooth oot wae the killswitch and Cenas’s like “dude, micro scooters are so 2004, whats the matter with you?” and Christian’s like “so’s yer fuckin haircut” and he wheeled off intae the night. Orton came oot, wedged his two belts together between the top and middle turnbuckle, coated them in butter and made sweet tender love to them while the rest of the competitors took overly detailed (but vital) notes. Then I stopped making shit up, cause Daniel Bryan came oot next, and when Daniel Bryan speaks…ye listen.
He talks about how aw the other guys have done a lot of talking (and christ, he wisnae wrang…shut the fuck up troops) but the crowd are daein his talking for him. He tells us aw the whole arena will be chanting YES! at Elimination Chamber. Know where else that’ll be happening? Right here ma man. I’ll be staunin oan ma chair, baws oot n swingin them aboot, YES!’in so hard I forget tae breathe. Thats how Kofi Kingston got that concaved chest btw. Sittin in the hoose watchin the 1995 Royal Rumble, and when Max Moon came oot he couldnae stop screamin “MAAAAAAAXY!” and eventually his chest just gies up bein of a normal human shape. Know whit else? Kane came oot and announced Cesaro vs Cena for later and Christian vs Daniel Bryan, which would be taking place…RIGHT NOW!
Christian vs Daniel Bryan
I dunno if this counts as a heel turn does it? but Christian deviated from his usual routine of being a happy-go-lucky Canadian good guy tae attack Daniel Bryan before the match started. He’s the kinda guy that ye’d be sure widnae give yer weans sweeties if he was babysitting them. No too many anyway. An amount of sweeties that widnae have them up aw fuckin night, askin ye tae put 101 Dalmatians on for the 15th time this month. Basically what I’m trying to say is, how can a man who has an acute awareness of sugar levels in children really ever be a heel?
So then they had a wrestling match, which wis pretty nifty. Christian kicks things off by bending DBrys arms in various ways. DBry sells the living shite ootae the whole ordeal. DBry is on the receiving end of some thunderous tit punches, and then a kick tae the shoulder after an unsuccessful half crab attempt. Fuckin tornado armbreaker type thing tae follow from Christian, and some nasty as fuck heel patter. Pulled Daniel Bryans auld English jotter oot his back pocket and read a wee story he wrote when he wis 11 about his aspirations. Viciously ripped the pish oota his proclamation tae one day be the “Imperial Grand Master of Connect 4” cause that isnae even a thing. Pretty ridiculous really. DBry gets super het up about it though, and decides tae send Christian fleein oot the ring, before landing a suicide dive right on his bumfluff laden chin. I refuse to ever refer tae DBry doing that move as “the flying goat” btw. He’s no a goat mate. He’s a saint. A hero amongst humans. The fuckin da. The da delivers some kicks in the corner, followed by a dropkick, but the second dropkick attempt is blocked, and Christian goes up top tae deliver a back elbow from hell(bow) (fuck sake that’s dire patter)
Christian rolls through a Yes Lock attempt and tries the Killswitch, but oor DBry brings the whole saga to an end by reversing it intae a wee rollup, and securing the win. Away hame fur a wee pie supper, and gentle but mildly resentful hauny aff Brie? Or perhaps not. Kane pipes up from ringside and informs our DBry that he might aswell put that return bus ticket in the fuckin bin. Cause he was about to have a second match, and that second match would be against none other than….
Kane vs Daniel Bryan
Thats right. It was Kane himself. Lookin trim as fuck in his wifebeater and snazzy troosers. Did ye get them oota slaters mate? bet the guy recognised ye and gied ye a good deal. Dont even kid on he never. Anyway. Kane basically continued the attack on Daniel Bryans arms and shoulders. No quite sure what the end game is here. Are they concerned at the amount of monkey bar climbing DBrys daein and they want it tae stop? either way, Kane takes some chest kicks, before blocking the roundhouse attempt by slinging DBry out the ring. Leathers his poor broken shoulder aff the barricade next, and bent his arm roon the ringpost for a grand total of 140 minutes. His arm actually came aff and Kane playfully used it tae clothesline Justin Gabriel backstage. The whole thing wis a laugh riot. Kane DQ’d. End of story.
The Shield make Renee Young soak her skants
So the Shield cut some backstage promo’in. As usual Ambrose captivated me with his less than truthful patter about gien Mark Henry a doing the week before. Big Reigns pipes up and tells him tae simmer. Only reason he still has that belt is cause The Shield bailed him oot. Deans like “aye but I weakened him up fur ye ya big shag” (oh aye…Reigns is scheduled tae face Mark Henry later in the night, shoulda mentioned that) Rollins said some things that made my ears weep. Ambrose rounds it off by throwing some sass towards The Wyatts. Renee Young was undoubtedly soakin throughout. Imagine being in the presence of Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns and no having a serious widey? Especially when yer pumpin one of them. My nipples popped clean oot Ben Sherman tee and I’m as straight as they shoot ma man. Apart fae when Fergal Devitts involved like. I widnae get aff Fergal Devitt fur a pish.
Fandango denies true love
He had a match wae Santino anaw like, but that wisnae uptae much. Santino looks on the verge of winching Emma on the outside, when Fandango denies them their shot at true love by breaking the whole thing up, and dragging Santino back intae the ring tae inexplicably complete the wrestling match they’d started. Fandango wins. Emma swung Summer Rae about for a bit. And they aw went hame tae pump each other daft…probably.
Mark Henry makes Renee Young shite her skants
A plethora of Renee Young skant action this week. This time Mark Henry barks some scary shit about how he shoulda become the US Champion. Then he says he’ll be inducting Reignsy intae the Hall of Pain. I believe ye Mark ma man. Please don’t hurt me or my family. Or oor Renee.
Roman Reigns vs Mark Henry
Fuckin….emphatic. I love Mark Henry tae pieces mate. Its well known. I sit by my window and try tae drink in the energy radiating fae the moon, so I have enough zest in me tae write him really profound letters, but the poor big bastard got his shit ruined here. Starts out strong wae a big ol splash in the corner, before Reignsy fuckin planted him wae a Samoan Drop. Huge Superman Punch, and a spleen dismantling Spear later. Game, set and match. Reigns is the fuckin king.
As much as I’m loving Reigns constant improvement, and his unwavering intensity, know whit I’m loving even mare? Dean Ambrose being a wee dick as a result. He hates the attention his big mucker is gettin, so he decides tae batter big Mark some more. He’s had enough Dean! cool it brother. He declines the opportunity to cool it and continues handing out the beatdown. Reignsys in the ring lit that “ye daein” and Deans lit that “batterin Mark Henry” and Reigns just shook his head ruefully. Nae need.
Then there were Wyatts
The Wyatts emerge on the titantron to give it some eerie patter about The Shields shattered bones paving Brays kingdom. Roman Reigns tells them tae “bring that noise out here” in a weirdly erotic way. Like he kinda whispered it, but in a super seductive manner. Coulda held a tap-dancing recital on the stauner I had for this shit. One of the few times I’ve looked upon an erection of mine as a viable platform for anything other than a mediocre performance.
It was another tease though. Wyatts come oot. This time they all enter the ring, but after Big Reigns steps forward in a most menacing “come ahead” sort of fashion. Bray tells his bearded comrades to back the shit off. This is not a fight for regular scheduled programming. Save it for the Chamber troops.
Wade Barrett shatters some dreams
Right so..haud oan. Not only are Goldust and Cody still a team, they’re reduced tae plugging merch? They’re backstage playing wae some new lego lookin wrasslin arena cried Stack Down. Goldy tells Cody about glueing wings on tae his hamster and chucking him oot the windae tae see if he could fly. Dont mistake that for one of the weird tangents I go off on sometimes, he actually did say that. Wade Barrett enters, on the home stretch of scrannin a roll n runny egg, and after he polishes that off he reveals he’s got some bad news. The bad news is that playtime is fuckin over! Barrett kicks the Stack Down set tae fuck. Goldust gets in a wee panic cause The Undertaker was sent flying across the room. Its awrite Goldy pal, he’s no the real Undertaker, its just a toy.
Jack Swagger vs Kofi Kingston
Swaggz sends i intae the corner with a hard Irish Whip. Kingston hits back wae a beauty of a missile dropkick. Some bouncy chops tae Swaggers chest followed by a dropkick. Kingston hits the SOS and looks like he’s won, but Swagger gets a sneaky foot on the ropes. Kofi looks like he’s bossing this yin, after he hits a crossbody, but Swagger rolls through and makes him tap tae the Swagger Lock tae bring a thoroughly entertaining wee slice of wrasslin tae an end. It’s amazing how much ye actually give a fuck about Swagger when he’s affiliated wae Zeb and Tony Cesaro (I’m no ready tae let go yet awrite? I really like calling him Tony. It soothes me)
Big E comes strolling doon wae they shimmering, beautiful chebs on display. Its time for his 2 on 1 handicap match wae Drew Mcintryre and Jinder Mahal. He’s out there tae make a statement really. Jack Swagger wants that Intercontinental Belt on Sunday? he’s gonnae have tae get acclimated wae Big Es wondrous dids.
Big E vs 2MB
Zeb provides a running commentary throughout as him and Swagger watch the match. Remarks that it’ll be Big Es last night oan RAW as IC Champ. Big E hits back wae a big shoulderblock and a lovely wee procession of backbreakers tae Jinder. Zeb refers tae him as “Mr E” a few times, and gies Big E jip for failing history. Gie Zeb his due, he does his homework when it come tae put downs. Big E sends Drew (complete with snazzy new gear) fleein oot the ring, before putting Jinder on his erse wae some stiff clotheslines. Belly tae belly to both Drew and Jinder, followed by a double big splash. Zeb keeps askin if anyone in the crowd things he can dae these moves tae Jack Swagger. See if he cannae? its gonnae be a pretty fuckin dire match, cause as much as I love Big E, he disnae really have much more tae offer than the moves ye see before ye. Big Ending tae oor Drew and that wis that.
Big E gets on the mic afterwards, and I’m fairly certain he threatened tae shite on Zebs car windscreen. Dont quote me on that though.
Alexander Rusev vignette. I don’t get it tbh. He’s really big, and decidedly Bulgarian. Slings a gid spinning heel kick, but I cannae even pretend I gie anything lookin like a fuck.
John Cena vs Cesaro
Aye. Yes. Uh-huh. Mhmhmmmm. This. Aw the time. Every day.
Wonderful. Just a braw wrestling match. I’m no worthy tae even recap this shit. I’m just no. I don’t have the words. I’m gonnae gie it a go but. Cause I love the way ye move, and I want ye tae move towards this RAW review, look it up and down and go “you’re alright you are”
Shoulderblock fae Cena, followed by a leapfrog, and a blocked hiptoss attempt. Cena goes for the hiptoss next and nails it, so its break time for Cesaro. Rolls oot the ring and gets a cuddle aff Uncle Zeb.
Cena comes flying aff the ropes, gets caught and pummelled by an empthatic tilt-o-whirl backbreaker. I had tae go away and lie in the foetal position for a while after that, and that wis us barely 2 minutes in.
Uppercut and a standing double foot stomp, wis followed by Cesaro stretching Cena in aw sortsa ways. Cesaro sent him flying oot the ring, and upon Cenas re-entry, Cesaro lands a dropkick square on Cenas jaw. A beautiful elbow drop aff the middle rope was next. I can barely contain mysell for how unspeakably braw this match is btw. This is my second time seeing it, and the fact that I’m describing the match itself, and now how forcefully I’m masturbating to it is proof of my dedication I feel.
A hard irish whip sends Cena towards the bottom rope, and Cesaro utilises a cheeky wee baseball slide tae send him flyin oot the ring. Back in the ring, Cena forces Cesaro intae the corner but the big beauty comes stormin oot the corner wae a big lariat. Cena gets some shoulderblocks in, and goes for a backdrop but Cesaro slides oot it intae an attempt at the Cesaro swing. He’s tried this a few times on Cena tae no avail, and once again Super Cena fights oot it and turns it intae an STF but Cesaro rolls oota that and hits a deadlift Gutwrech Suplex, and dae ye know why he done that? cause he’s the king.
Belly jabs, big irish whip tae the corner, followed by an elbow tae the chest. Cena sneaks a wee 5 knuckle shuffle in, but considering it’s really just dropping a haun on somedys face, it didnae affect Cesaro ataw cause he’s a living, breathing fuckin tank. So he slung Cena 50 feet in the air and caught him wae an uppercut on the road down. Cesaro goes for the swings again, but Cena comes up wae a fuckin amazing counter intae a DDT. This is my second time watching this and ma hearts jumpin oot ma fuckin chest all over again. So braw. Did i ever mention the fallaway slam bridging intae the pin? that wis fuckin ages ago, but it happened and it wis spectacular. I mind seeing Cesaro do that on NXT months ago, and I i’m 100% certain that with that simple act, he cured Smallpox. Think about it, since he done it, has anyone you know contracted Smallpox? Exactly.
Cena goes up top, and Cesaro says to himself “I dont really fancy takin that gammy legdrop he does” so he uppercuts him intae next week. Aw. The. Fuckin. Uppercuts.
Then he goes and hits a simple wee Suplex, whilst Cena stands on the apron, and Cesaro is perched on the middle rope. Aye…simple. Simple if yer fuckin god himself. Cesaro goes for the cover, assuming that marvellous move wis gettin the job done, but two covers later he realises its John Cena he’s wrestling, and he’s yet tae him wae a double decker bus so thats no gettin the job done.
Cena goes for the STF again, but once more its reversed intae the Swings, and this time he gets them! at least 15 of them, round n fuckin round goes oor Cena, so ye know its gettin close tae the point where he recovers from all ths punishment and wins anyway eh? thats the sad part of this match, the winner wis never in doubt despite how beautifully competitive it wis. Neutralizer attempt is reversed intae the AA, and ye assume thats it done, but Cesaro fuckin LANDS ON HIS FEET, rebounds aff the ropes and leathers Cena wae a big boot to his High and Tight dome. Comes rebounding off the ropes again and gets caught wae a big clothesline, and Cena hoists the greatest man in the world up on his shoulders, and hits the AA for the depressingly inevitable win.
Listen though. This shit was bananas. A hugely enjoyable match. If any higher ups urnae sold on Cesaro being a main event player…STOP THAT SHITE RIGHT NOW.
I cannae even dae the rest of the show man. This match has drained aw my baw reserves clean oot. I’ve fuck aw left tae give.
Triple H, Randy Orton and Bawtista fill my soul with sadness
From the divine, tae the 3 dickheads. Batista tells Orton hes not the face of the WWE..he’s the ass! HAHA killer line Dave! Randy walks away. End segment. Del Rio appeared and I skipped forward 2 minutes cause NAWWWWWW.
Titus O’Neil gives Renee Young some false information about the spelling of the world Champion. Then he shouts at her. I like Titus on the mic, but heels urnae usually this squeaky. Sort that out, and start batterin more folk. He congratulates Renee on another great interview anaw. I know shes a wee lovely, but thats just too nice mate. When it comes tae the ladies, heels are aw aboot misogyny, and the occasional arse slap.
The Wyatts vs Los Matadores and Sin Cara
Ugh. Love The Wyatts, and I’m glad Bray’s daein more wrestling, but I couldnae have gied a shite about this. Maybe Cesaro n Cena spoiled us eh? I found myself drifting when I watched it live at this point anaw. Bray flung a matador across the ring, then Rowan battered him a bit. Harper slapped him daft anaw, and followed that up wae the Gator Roll. Whitever Matador it wis managed tae hit Harper with then Enziguiri, and finally Sin Hunico got in there, and done some shit. Yer Matadors hit a double suicide dive on Rowan. Back in the ring Sin Cara goes for the Swanton, Harpers having none of it, big spinning lariat takes Sin Caras heid aff. Game. Set. Fuckin. Match. None of this wis Cesaro vs Cena so none of it left me satisfied and smiling. NEXT
Billy Gunn vs An Uso
Whit a fuckin come doon this has been man. Cesaro vs Cena should have main evented this show. Nae doubt. I love Billy Gunn as much as the next guy, and I’m Uso daft but ocht….naw. I’m glad Jey won. Dont get me wrong. It means surely The Outlaws will be coming up aff they belts soon, but nah. I couldnae be arsed wae this. Jimmy Uso and Road Dogg are on commentary anaw. It’s nice tae be able tae watch an Uso at work, and know whit wan it is, but I’m still gonnae refer to him as if I don’t know, cause that’s just tradition int it. Road Dogg hilariously excuses Billys lack of readiness (and the subsequent doing he was receiving) on him no hearing the bell ring. Didnae know the match had started! of course. Thats a viable excuse for allowing an Uso tae repeatedly scud yer jaw. Everyones favourite ass-man gets intae the ascendency, and goes for the Fame-Asser, but Jimmy or Jey reverses it intae a rollup for the win. THEN WE HAD US SOME POST MATCH FLYIN USOS! RIKISHIS BOYS KNOW HOW TA SOAR MAGGLE!
Randy Orton vs Sheamus (Should Never Main Event Any Show)
I dont get the logic here ataw. I mean I know fine well Orton is holding they two belts hostage, shining them up real nice and making intense painful love tae them every night, but this match? naw. I like ye Sheamus mate. Yer a good worker and a gid boay, but yer not at the level required for me tae care about a Randy Orton match. Yer just no. No many folk are really. Daniel Bryan, Cesaro and maybe Ricky Steamboat in his prime. Thats aboot it. Nah but, the match was ok. Didnae make me want tae pull ma fingernails oot and impale them intae ma skull, so that’s a positive. A wee backdrop fae nae eyes through a table lays Sheamus oot for a near count out, but Sheamus climbs back in at 9. Various chinlocks. Orton does some stompin. Sheamus does yon chest beating spot which has always bothered me for some reason. I dunno why. It just disnae have much oomph tae. Whit dae I mean by that I hear you ask? oh ye didnae ask? cool. Orton rubs his diddies for a short while after. Probably making sure they were still there. Orton hits a DDT. Sheamus hits a trio of Irish Curse backbreakers tae follow that, and goes for the Brogue Kick, then The Shield ran in and that wis that. Fuck only knows whit the point in that wis.
Everycunt comes oot for a right good scrap after that. Yer Wyatts, everycunt in the Chamber Match, The Brooklyn Brawler, Max Moon, Terry Taylor, The 123 Kid, Quick Draw Mcgraw. The whole gang. All kidding, and made up listing aside…it finally happened.
Wyatts stand before The Shield. The Shield stand before some Wyatts. Let battle commence. Teeth, brooding glances, and beards go flying. Someone snatches Ambroses chain. Harper takes the wifebeater aff, ties it roon his heid and declares himself to be “WarHARPERRRRR” and everycunt else gets involved anaw. Basically anyone who is currently relevant in WWE found themselves throwing punches at other relevant cunts.
And that was that. A fucking lovely wee RAW if I don’t say so myself. Not one mention of CM Punk either. With things starting to come together nicely like this, ye have to assume Punks involved somewhere man. If it wis legit, we’d have had it confirmed by now, I’m telling ye. CM Punk will return at Elimination Chamber. I dunno in what capacity, but he’s gonnae be there, and it’ll be dy-no-mite.
8 neutralizers outta 10 for this shit. Some pointless filler between Cena vs Cesaro and the main event, but Cena vs Cesaro was so good, I’ve had tae replace aw ma underwears. An unspeakable amount of seminal fluids.