TNA In Glesga mate. TNA in Glesga and I’m no talkin about legs n co. Its Glesga, its TNA. Did I mention it wis TNA in Glesga? Hydro. Wrestling. TNA. GLESGAAAAAAAAA.
Fuck knows what’s in store. I’ve reviewed TNA once in about 2 months. It fuckin broke ma spirit tbh, particularly reviewing it in plain english without swearing, but see since its in Glesga, and I’m fae a wee toon just outside Glesga, I’m gonnae make a point to be saying a lot of Glesga things throughout this piece. Early reports on the twitter are suggesting problems with the big screen, and to that I say this….so fuck. Assuming its like most episodes of Impact, there’ll only be about 4 matches anyway, and ye dont need a big screen tae hear Dixie Carter screech at cunts.
So we start wae a Magnus promo, cause TNA know that the best way tae get a Glasgow crowd invested in their show, is to have an English guy wae a collage of aboot 15 different accents in his arsenal. A fuckin hack. I used tae like Magnus tae, I do to an extent, his improvement in the ring over the past few years has been huge, but on that mic he’s a charlatan. A stealer of time. Rotten. This is a promo where essentially he puts himself over as a heel, and its the best thing since sliced cheese. He says his pals Rockstar Spud, and The Bro Mans are gid, whilst not mentioning one of his current allies in the ring, EC3. This causes EC3 to shite in a test tube and lodge it up Magnus’ beak. Oh aye, and Samoa Joe came oot wae his auld buddy Kurt Angle, bemoaned the fact that they ever let Magnus in the Main Event Mafia. Magnus suggests a tag match between him, EC3, and the AngloJoe Connection, but there’s a kicker! If Joe and Angle lose, they lose their jobs. If either of them pin Magnus, they become Number One contender.
Gail Kim and Le’d Tapa vs Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky
When I was last watching TNA regularly, Gail had the Knockouts belt, Lei-D Tapa wis smashin fuck out of everyone who wasnt Gail Kim, and Velvet was a mistreated valet for Chris Sabin. Fast forward…I dunno, a million weeks and we see Gail and Tapa lose in about 2 minutes, and the whole thing is reveealed tae be a set-up to allow Velvet to “break-up” with Sabin live.
Gunner and James Storm pretty much sook each others boabies for a while. Storm then ineplicably calls Gunner “one helluva wrestler” naw mate…just naw. He’s in the Bull Buchanan mould of cunts who can lift cunts, and probably then throw them really far.
Bad Influence vs Storm and Gunner
Aye cause Bad Influence came oot n gatecrashed the wee love in. Then the boays had a wee match. Storm superkicked Daniels aff the apron, and Gunner hit a top rope heidbutt on Kaz for the wi . Bad Influence jobbing is never gid. Unless a reincarnated Hawk fae the L.O.D came back, and him and Animal toed their baws, I’m never on board wae Bad Influence being in a tag match and not winning it.
One hour down. 2 matches lasting a total of about 10 minutes. Aye good. I’m sure that would have been a fuckin gas tae see live.
Rockstar Spud is a fuckin cretin. A cretin who is pretty decent at what he does, but still a fuckin heidnip. He cuts a short promo in a corridor that makes me wish an unruly vending machine would come flying off a wall and decapitate him.
Now he’s in the ring. Calling Scotland the England B team. Shut up mate, ye could fit in ma pocket. Naecunt gives a fuck. Where’s the fuckin wrestling man? He’s here to find out this investor is. HE’S HERE FOR THE WOOOOOOLVES. So here they are. The American Wolves. Eddie Edwards and Davie Richards. Ed and Dave listen tae Spud screamin in their faces for a while, before Spud decides tae slap Richards, so yer Wolves chuck him up in the air and kick his stupit ribs fur uhm.
The Bro-Mans vs Abyss and Eric Young
Gie TNA their due, during a very confusing and often downright daft period for the company, they have at least one storyline that ye really need tae be watching Impact every week tae follow, and thats this whole Abyss/Jospeph Park/Eric Young debacle. I genuinely have no idea whits going on at this point with regards tae Park being Abyss, or them being identical twins, or if Steve Blackman is involved in this somewhere. Call me a suspicious sorta cunt if ye want, but this feels like it has Stevies name written aw err it. Anyway Abyss chucked these orange glazed mongos for a while, before hitting Shock Treatment on the referee for seemingly nae reason. I think the ref tellt him the Rotherham v Torquay game wis aff, and therefore his accumulator wid only be worth 140 quid if it came up, as opposed tae 185. He chokeslammed Eric Young after that anaw, seemingly starting a feud between the two, cause EY challenged him tae a match. EY encourages them tae get ‘crazy’. Crazy means Monsters Ball match. Crazy means Eric Youngs probably gonnae die.
Bully Ray reels oot a casket, and once again talks aboot possibly murdering/pumpin members of Ken Andersons family. Anderson leathers him wae the lid of the casket, then wae a chair. He then leaves the arena for a gid 5-10 minutes, so Jeremy Bawrash stands up from his position on commentary, and begins a wee impomptu game of bingo wae the crowd. Anderson finally makes his return, behind the wheel of a Barrs delivery van. Filled wae jeggy bottles ah Bru. He pulls it uptae the ring, opens the back doors and tosses a grenade in. KABOOM! Nuhin but broken glass and tooth rotting nectar as far as the eye can see. Anderson chucks Bully intae the back, and drives the van intae the clyde.
Grado chants in the crowd. Various ICW t-shirts were on display anaw. Scottish Wrasslin is here, its real, its coming for that number one spot.
Magnus and EC3 vs Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle
A wee promo wae Dixie, EC3 and Magnus before this. I’m no gonnae tell ye I deliberately watched it wae the sound down, cause that would be unprofessional, but let me put it this way….aye theres nae other way tae say it really. I deliberately watched this shit wae the sound down and I dont gie a fuck either. Samoa Joe and Kurt angle stride doon the ramp lookin mean as fuck. Coupla OGs. Triple OG. Careers tae be saving. Nae messin aboot.
A wrestling match breaks out. Angle starts wae a waistlock. EC3 hits back wae a waistlock of his own. Its a waistlock war, and these two are in the trenches. Samoa Joe gets in. Samoa Joe smiles to himself, recalling the time me and him exchanged Tribe Called Quest lyrics together. I share his recollection, and for that brief moment, our souls are aligned. Then he kicked EC3 right square in the ribs, and dropped a knee on him. Snap suplex on EC3 fae Angle. EC3 gettin a doing basically, and I’m no a man for predictions, but if i wis, I’d imagine this is all leading tae a hot tag. In comes Magnus, gien it the Hulk Hogan finger wagging routine. Takes 15 Angle Slams…NO SELLS THEM AW. Samoa Joe pits oan steel toecap Timbys and repeatedly toes his hawmaws wae them…HE NO SELLS THAT ANAW.
My prediction wis proved inaccurate/ridiculous but, as Joe chokes oot Mangus tae save his job and earn a shot at Magnus’ paper belt.
Dixies comes oot n screeches, Joe tells Magnus he’s gonnae kill him, and Angle pronounces Glasgow as “Glazsincowl”
MVP is revealed as the new TNA investor, and he introduces himself tae the TNA fold by holding up a chain wae his name on it. Ye hink I’m impressed mate? mibbe if it wis in the form of a 3 finger ring, I mighta been able tae kid on I wis, but this shite can bolt.
Kurt Angle loves Cornettos.