Imagine sitting doon tae preview a WWE PPV and ye find yersell with nothing but hope and a tingling in the testicles for it. A unique proposition tae say that least. Not that I anticipate this being any less arse bursting than most of the PPVs from the tail end of last year, but d’ye know whit? It has the Wyatts vs The Shield, and a wee chance that either Daniel Bryan or Antonio Cesaro could stroll oot wae aw the belts, so for those reason I’m gonnae allow that pure, unfiltered, rarefied optimism tae flow aw the way from ma chest pubes, right down tae ma ball fro.
Pre-Show – Rybaxel vs The Rhodezies
This would have been a whole speil about how much of a pointless pile of shite this is. A midcard RAW match at best. Rybacks a dick, Axels got the personality of an empty, probably no even recyclable, box of soap powder. Then the game changed. The landscape of aw future games changed with it, cause Ryback revealed this to be his singlet for Sunday.
If this isnae the greatest thing you’ve ever seen, then yer made of fuckin stone. I wish these two horrible bastards every success in their future endeavours noo, simply because of some artwork on a probably ill-fitting piece of wrestling attire. Oh aye, would be sound if Goldust and Cody finally split here anaw, if this Wrestlemania match is ever gonnae happen, they need tae start settin about each other, and slinging completely irrelvant “Ma da’s better than your da!” patter at each other.
Titus O’Neil vs Darren Young
So…this is happening. A bout which should see the WWE make (wait for it…its gonnae be good…) MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! (the dollars coming in the form of PPV buys, as this match will be the beginning of such a storied and rich feud, that literally every human being on the planet will buy the PPV as a result)
This will be a wrestling match between two ex tag partners, turned foes and as this is the first known instance of this happening, I cannae wait tae see how it works out. Former bestos going toe tae toe? Think of the fireworks! I cannae believe its took over 50 years of being in business, before the WWE have finally realised this shit could work. Titus O’Heel will get the win I reckon, then he’ll gatecrash the Elimination Chamber match. Dismember aw the cunts in it, and flee intae the night wae Ortons golden hostages (aka the belts) hingin oot the back ae his trunks.
The Outlaws vs The Usos (Tag Title Match)
As much as I’ve enjoyed elements of this wee Outlaws return, I still really fuckin hate them having the tag belts. I mean, it’s a gid wee burst of nostalgia, and the fact that they can still go reminds me of a simpler, less erection fuelled time in my life but still. Its time tae jump back in the DeLorean and gun it back tae a time where yees wurnae getting in the road of a potentially vibrant Tag Division. Rikishis boays need tae be taking they belts. If anything happens that leads tae The Outlaws retaining (such as a pinfall, submission, count out or DQ in their favour) I fully anticipate my own person onion tae be burst.
Big E vs Jack Swagger (IC Title Match)
Weirdly looking forward tae this hunners and millions. I have nae idea why being part of Cesaros crew makes Swagger mare interesting. Its a strange thing. Has he improved any since this alliance? Its hard tae tell really, cause when he’s tagging with Cesaro, Tony brings him up 3 or 4 levels without breaking a sweat. Any singles matches hes had recently I’ve noticed mysell actually paying attention though. Even that wan on RAW wae Kofi, that would usually have shite/snack break material written aw err it. Big E continues to impress me more and more every week. Bit of a heidcase sometimes wae aw that high speed crashin intae folk he does, but the few things he does in that ring, he does them well, and his glistening man chest makes me excited tae be a citizen of the world. Imagine ye were gaun oot wae Big E and insteada gettin ye a present for yer birthday, he got ye a coupon book filled wae promises of really sweaty diddy rides. That potential scenario is based on the romantic notion that in some realm, of some universe, somewhere in the stratosphere, that things can sometimes work oot in yer favour. They never dae but. Big E probably witholds access tae they beautiful front bumps, until the burd really earns the right tae motorboat them. He likes tae be wined, dined and sixty nin….naw thats vulgar, whit am I even on aboot here? Wrestling show. Preview. Eyes on the prize.
Dave vs Bert
Cannae recall of a time I’ve ever cared about any feud less than this. When I first got back intae wrestling after a brief hiatus, John Cena wis feuding wae The Great Khali. I cared about that mare than this. Nae offence tae Bert like, he’s a top man. Excellent wrestler and it’s really not obvious ataw that he puts hunners of some kinda wet look gel in his hair, but this pish can fuckin bolt. If I wis a gambling man, I’d put everything I own, and aw my vital organs on Del Rio gettin his cunt kicked in, and THE ANIMAL gesticulating wildly towards a camera at the end efter he emerges in depressingly inevitable triumph. AH HATE HE DAVE. AH HATE YE MARE THAN AH HATED WESLEY SNIPES’ DEMEANOUR IN NEW JACK CITY. AND LET ME TELL YE, I REALLY HATED HIS ATTITUDE IN THAT FILM SO I DID. SO DISMISSIVE AND SHRILL. AND THE WORKING CONDITIONS AT HIS DRUG MAKING FACTORY DIDNAE ADHERE TO HEALTH AND SAFETY REGULATIONS EVEN A WEE BIT. Sorry for shoutin btw, the point there is, Batista’s gonnae win.
The Wyatt Family vs The Shield
I gie it a lot of patter in these blogs. I enjoy the humour. It’s a joy tae be able tae inject passion, humour and numerous aimless tangents intae wee pieces of writing about a thing I love, but I don’t have any patter of that nature for this match. Tae trivialise it wae nonsense would be showing it disrespect if ye ask me, cause this has the potential tae be the greatest 6 man tag match in WWE history. Aw the ingredients are there. A low key, but often chilling build up since the match was announced, after about 6 months of wondering if it would ever happen. A sense of anticipation as Bray Wyatt and Roman Reigns will finally collide after both receiving huge pushes at The Royal Rumble. Most of the focus will be on they two finally locking horns, but that leaves a huge amount of room for the other 4 competitors to go out there n try tae steal the show. I expect big things fae Ambrose here anaw, Reignsy getting such a big push lately has been perfect for Ambrose. He’s had free reign tae silently sit back, watch it aw unfold, whilst pulling some stoatin “this cunts gettin a bit big fur his size 18s” faces in the process.
As for who’s gonnae win? christ knows. I’ve a sneaky wee feeling we might not get a clear winner and this shit will be done even bigger and better at Mania anaw, but failing that, I fancy The Wyatts tae edge it, and this is when The Sheilds constantly rumoured breakup starts tae materialise, setting up an Ambrose vs Reigns vs Rollins match at mania for the US Belt. Fling some ladders in the mix there anaw, cause my name’s Martin. I’m 24 n AH FUCKIN LOVE IT WHEN WRASSLIN MATCHES HAVE LADDERS IN EM!
Randy Orton vs Daniel Bryan vs Antonio Cesaro vs John Cena vs Sheamus vs Christian (Elimination Chamber Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Title)
Another month. Another PPV. Another glimmer of hope. Daniel Bryan is in the Title picture again folks. He’s in this match…wae a chance. That’s aw I’ll ever ask of the WWE, even if they continue this Daniel Bryan prick tease for the next 10 years, and they never really gie him the World Title run he’s due, as least keep giving me these wee bits of hope tae hold on tae. Keep putting him in a close enough position tae smell the baby oil that Orton bathes they belts in every night. That hope is aw we’ve ever needed. The possibility tae mark the fuck out, stand up on our chairs, and disrobe wae reckless abandon.
I don’t expect DBry tae win the belts here, but the amount of possibilities that arise fae him being involved are endless. My favourite is the possibility of Punk returning, at his dastardly heel best, and costing DBry the belts. Leading tae a match between them at Mania. Its been my dream Mania Main Event since Punk dropped the Title last January tbh. The only one that’s ever made any sense tae me. The two guys who have captured the imaginations of the WWE audience more than any others during the PG era, squaring off on the grandest stage of them all, 60 minute iron man match. Titles on the line. Dae it.
There wont be any titles involved if it does happen, and it wont be an Iron Man match, but they can still make the match happen. If they want tae. If yees want tae make the small percentage of yer fans who actually fuckin like wrestling happy…dae it. Stop fuckin about and make it fuckin happen.
The wee stauner inducing subplot here is the push Cesaro’s had recently. Beating Orton clean oan Smackdown, and having wonderful matches wae Ziggler, Bryan and Cena in the past few weeks. He wont win the belts either, but I reckon Cesaro will be the first entrant tae this match, and he’ll last tae the final 3 at least. Stealing the show in the process, and what a well deserved achievement it’ll be if he manages it. Bryans still my main man. I’m invested in him as a wrestler and a character more than I have been in anycunt since Mick Foley, but in terms of the cunt I enjoy watching more than any other in wrestling right now? Cesaro aw the way. A flawless worker, underrated on the mic and he slings a deadlift gutwrench suplex better than anycunt breathing. A wonderful man.
Then ye’ve got a merry band of veterans. In Cena, Christian, Sheamus and Orton himself. As much as I like the first three fine, if any of them walk out wae aw the belts, and intae a WM main event wae big Dave, I’m gonnae fire a lawn dart through whichever screen I happen tae be watching this show on. Even if I am the sole owner of this screen. Cause fuck that shite. I’d rather tie ma nipples in knots and huv Adam West softly sing The Logical Song intae ma ear for 12 hours straight than see any of these cunts wrestle Batista. Cesaro and DBry could at least make it passable.
Orton’s winning it but. Sorry.
So thats it for yer preview. Please enjoy Elimination Chamber responsibly, in the presence of at least 4 responsible adults, and a balloon filled wae heroin.
We’ll sign off wae a weird promo photo from the show, that looks like Stephanie McMahon’s eagerly massaging some imaginary arsecheeks.