ICW – The Goggles They Do Nothing Preview


Another pilgrimage tae Edinburgh aye? Would love tae tell ye I’m sick of the sight of the fuckin place, but I actually grow to appreciate it more and more with each visit. If ye can look past the cunts bumpin intae ye, and looking at yer withered Glaswegian face and sighing to themselves, its actually a nice city. Aesthetically pleasing, and the roaster-to-ride ratio burd wise is far more favourable than it is in Glesga (Talking about the City Centre there eh, I assume as ye move towards Tynecastle, the landscape becomes more dense wae those of the snaggletoothed persuasion) Anyway aye. Wrestling! Thats what we’re aw here for eh? A wee streetfight, some titles on the line, a couple of fractured tag teams going head to head, and eh….Mikey Whiplash quite possibly reducing oor Yum Yum tae something resembling the baked good he shares a name wae. So without further ado, lets preview.

Mikey Whiplash vs Yum Yum (Grado Special Guest Ref)

Christ. Soon as I heard this yin being announced my heart bled for the poor cunt. Took an almighty doing off Whippy which prevented him taking his place in the Square Go, and I’ve nae doubt he’s in for the same here. This isnae Yum Yums first singles match in ICW though, as he took on (and got his baws toed by) the teen sensation Christopher in a match at the tail end of 2012. They tell me wrestling is aw pre-determined, well in this case the element that’s pre-determined is the death of oor YumYum. Unless Grado has a say in it of course. After all he wis Eddie Sideburns knight in eh…brightly coloured hat, when he saved him fae a piledriver on the railing at the Square Go, so he’ll no doubt have tae provide the same service here if Yum Yum is tae make it out with a beating heart, and at least 2 or 3 functional limbs.

Fight Club vs Joe Hendry and Kenny Williams

The Square Go proved that all is not well between these two teams. After a few months of tension between the two members of Fight Club, they seemingly solved aw that nonsense by turning heel and uniting tae snarl at folk aw the time, but the good grace that comes wae a bit of mutual snarling wore aff when Liam Thomson papped Kid Fite oot the Square Go. As for The Local Hero and The Bollocks, they must have some trust issues on the go tae, after Kenny sent Joe Hendry intae an ambush, before standing idly by as Damian O’Connor booted his erse so hard it came flying err his shoulder. Since Liam’s fae Edinburgh anaw, I think its only fair that Joe lets him use the Local Hero gimmick fur one night only. That would be fuckin dynamite actually, insteada¬†the usual entrance wae the “we’re gonnae batter you, and yer whole family” demeanour Fight Club usually come out wae, ye get “LIAM THOMSONNNNNN!….YER LOCAL HEROOOOOO” while Kid Fite shakes his heid in the background and quietly gubs enough cocodamol tae get himself through the whole godforsaken experience. As for the wrestling match, I imagine if its no laden wae Shenanigans, that it’ll be a good yin. Yet tae see what Joe Hendrys made of in a proper match, so it’ll be interesting to see how he fares. I reckon Hendry and Williams win after some kinda Fight Club mishap. Leading tae Fight Club actually splitting this time, and facing each other in the grudge match tae end aw grudge matches at Still Smokin.

Jackie Polo vs Noam Dar

No even got the words for this. Fuckin dream match if there ever was one. Two of my favourite cunts in pretty much every way. My stauner for this match has been so constant, and so decidedly bendy, that I’ve started using it tae chain up ma bike when I leave it ootside Spar. Really though, this’ll be fuckin wonderful, and if yer at this show the morra and I dont see ye perspiring at a rapid rate while its aw unfolding, I’m gonnae assume ye tae be a robot. In terms of the outcome, I genuinely dont know. Couldnae even throw an educated guess at ye, cause deep down I know that aw I want fae this beautiful shit is for them tae play out a time limit draw, have a right gid handshake afterwards and agree tae be best pals forever. If I had tae gie ye a prediction I’d say Polo will edge it. Intae Still Smokin lookin strong for his showdown wae Hearto. Of course we might have a wee Hearto distraction leading to his pal Noam getting the win, wae Jackie returning the favour in Heartos match. Or mibbe the whole show will go off withoot anyones sticking their nose in anyone else’s shit. Then aw the pigs across the globe will sprout wings, and make for the skies shoutin “ye’ll no turn me intae bacon!” at the poor helpless farmers they leave behind.

Mark Coffey vs Lionheart (Zero-G Title Match)

Mark Coffey gets better and better every time I see him. Now that he’s aligned wae Jackie Polo officially, the sky’s the fuckin limit for the younger of The Coffeys. As for the match itself, it’s obviously gonnae be a stoater. Cannae see a scenario where Hearto leaves wae the belt though. Lionheart vs Jackie Polo disnae really need a belt tae make it a match of significance, but Mark Coffey vs Solar does. Not that it widnae be a good match in its own right, but with the belt involved it takes on more of a significance with Solar, the ultimate underdog, going for the belt against ICWs self proclaimed ‘true champion”. As much as my personal engine is more revved for Polo vs Dar than anything else, this could easily be Match of The Night. Coffey tae retain, with or without the help of Capitain Jack.

The NAK vs The Bucky Boys and Wolfgang (Edinburgh Street Fight)

I’ll no lie tae yees troops, I’m feart. If yer gonnae have a match with nae rules whatsoever, which encourages street fighting by its very definition, yer pretty much conceiving of a scenario where its almost certain that somecunt is gonnae get scudded err the napper wae a Cast Iron bath panel, or sumdys gonnae wake up in the middle of Princes Square tied tae a lampost, wae two bloodthirsty Chihuahuas gnawing on their nips. Especially when ye consider the lack of collective sanity when it comes to the competitors anaw. Wolfgang and BT Gunn will probably end up fightin aw the way back tae Glesga. The NAK pretty much make a living off hitting folk wae cars, getting trainees hooked on glue and stamping on folks heids wae reckless abandon. I really dont have a prediction for this that has any basis in terms of professional wrestling, but I will tell ye that I genuinely think somedys gonnae leave this match badly disfigured, and when I say “somedy” I mean “Divers”.

Jack Jester vs Joe Coffey vs James Scott (ICW Title Match)

This is whit its all about if ye ask me. Two guys steal the show for 3 shows in a row? put them in aw the main events. James Scott and Joe Coffey earned this shot with some of the best wrestling I’ve had the privelage of seeing with my own two eyes. They made a 30 minutes Iron Man Match go by in an instant anaw. Because of a dedication tae storytelling, and creating something that would stand the test of time. Personally I reckon they have one more match in them, and naturally I reckon that should be a 60 minute Iron Man, but d’ye know whit? I’d be happy tae see these two go at one more time in a fuckin tug of war or somethin. Cannae see Jester dropping the belt just yet though, but my heart wants Joe Coffey tae get the job done. As a massive mark for the Coffeys and Polo, tae see both singles belts belong to them would huv me baws oot n swinging them aboot aw the way up that M8 tae Glesga (or whitever road ye take, I dont drive mate)
The wildcard element tae this whole thing is the fact that not only does Jester have Joe Coffey, and a 2 time ICW Champion in James Scott tae contend with. He also has the impending threat of Red Lightning cashing in his contract for an ICW Title shot, and if he disnae find himself in A and E fae the Street Fight, he even has the possibility of Renfrew cashing in his title opportunity tae contend with. A minefield of bad bastards lookin tae take that belt, so can Jester make it out the capital wae the belt? whoever does is sure tae main event Still Smokin, so its all tae play for.

That’ll dae ye for this wee preview, although I fully expect another match or two tae be added on the night, as it stands, the card is a stone cold stoater. Edinburghs gonnae be left more physically and emotionally drained than whitever one of the wee burds on Take Me Out, Davie Boy has his wicked way with.


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