Sometimes it disnae matter who emerges from a PPV with the big belts. Even if thats the PPV that shapes the Wrestlemania card more than any other. The belts didnae matter a fuck when this yin ended cause the next generation lets us aw know that they were ready. Its time for the next batch of genuine stars tae take over and lead us intae an era of cunts who captivate us. Cunts who understand the art of storytelling. The type of characters who get on that fuckin mic, and makes ye put down yer Tuna Melt, roll yer chair right next tae the tele so its like he’s cuttin the promo right in yer face. I’m talking about Bray Wyatt. I’m talking about Dean Ambrose. I’m talking about the walking spearing orgasm known as Roman fuckin Reigns. I’m talkin about Luke Harper. I’m of course talking about the shimmering man chest Big E is sporting. I’m talkin about the whole lot of yees. The Usos, Rowan, the selling machine known as Seth Rollins. Yer aw ready troops, and I know I’m no only speaking for myself when I say…we’re ready for ye. Ready for ye tae main event the rest of our fuckin lives, tae yer sons n daughters get auld enough tae take over.
So aye….wrestling show.
Big E vs Jack Swagger (Intercontinental Title Match)
This was fuckin superb. I’m a huge fan of this kind of match, when two genuine powerhouses give us absolutely everything they have. Aw the blood, sweat, tears, pish, spunk and excrement they had wis left in and around the ring. My interest levels in Swagger are spiking and I’m no entirely sure if thats cause he’s big pals wae Cesaro, or if he’s legitimately improving. Some heavyweight rope running fae the boays, wis brought to an end by a big shoulder tackle fae Big E. Followed that up wae a belly tae belly throw, that caught so much air, it allowed Swagger tae catch his recently collapsed arse on the way doon. The Big Yin has a wee stare down wae Zeb, which gave me weirdly vivid flashbacks of Steve Austin wheelin Booker T about in a shoppin trolley. Big E broke away fae that, tae deliver a huge shoulder tae Swagger as he was propped up on the steel steps. Dunno whit Swaggers rib count was before that, but it just went down by at least 10-15. Swagger seemingly disnae need a lot of ribs tae near take a cunts heid aff wae a clothesline but, as he proceeded tae near decapitate Big E wae a huge lariat. A wee battle of strength is broken up by a huge boot tae Big Es marvellous jaw. Big E misses the big shoulder in the corner, and Swaggers rolled him up for a 2 count. Beauty of a match this. Eye watering, baw tingling, loin firing brawness. Big E comes storming back wae another couple of stiff lariats, and a bellt tae belly, before Swagger his back wae a belter of a spinebuster. Then a spot occurred that made me feel a great warmth. This warmth began fae ma big toe, and made its way up through the knee bone, and straight intae ma phallic shaped formation in ma underpassage. It made ma dick hard basically. As Big E caught a Swagger Bomb attempt, and looked for the Big Ending, only for Swagger tae wriggle free. He landed on the apron but, and Big E decided tae spear him through the middle rope. Big E then done somethin borderline suicidal as he took they magnificent chebs up tae the top rope. Yer too top heavy for gaun up high big yin. This will not end will for you. Swagger gets up after recovering far too quickly fae an internal organ shattering big splash fae Big E, and meet Big E up top. After a wee struggle, Swagger launched the cunt wae a slightly botchy throw.
The finish here was fittingly braw as Swagger gets Big E in the Patriot Lock for whit felt like a decade. The Big Yin fights out and hits the standing diddy splash, and decides its bif ending time, but Swaggers huvin nane of it. Gets the Patriot Lock in again, only for Big E tae stand up, pop his leg ootae his leg, dae a full 360 rotation so that his top hauf switched places wae his bottom hauf and then…fuck knows whit I’m gibberin about here tbh, he hit the enziguiri and nearly knocked Swagger clean oot. A Big Ending later and its night night. Brawest match oot though. Two powerful big bastards who can work at a pace that disnae make me sleepy. Fuckin winner.
Wade’s got some baaaaaad neeeeeeeews. America is actually WORSE than Russia he says. Thats yous fuckin TELLT.
DBry wae a wee backstage interview. He goes all out…all the time. Sare shoulder or no. Thats why yer ma hero mate. If ye ever spot one of my mildly stalkery tweets tae Mark Henry, and ye would like a piece of that action, don’t hesitate tae gies a shout. We can make that table for 2 at TGI Fridays a table for 3 easily. Cept when I phone up I’ll ask tae change it fae a table of 2 tae a table of FUN.
The Fuckin Outlaws Retained n it can bolt
Been a good while fae I was this raging at the outcome of a PPV match. Since Dolph dropped the WH Belt tbh. Months I’ve twiddled ma thumbs waitin for ma Usos tae take they belts and I was fuckin CONVINCED it wis happening. It felt like it was the right time. Apparently not. Dreams shattered as Billy Gunn rolls up an Uso and the Outlaws escape wae a couple of belts they don’t deserve. The Outlaws are my all time favourite tag team btw. I say this with nothing but sadness in my withered heart, but ffs GIE YER BELTS TAE MA (and Rikishis) BOAYS. Cannae even review the match properly man. Too much white hot rage.
Darren Young vs Titus O’Neil
I wis actually cautiously optimistic about this yin. Never rated Titus as a wrestler, but I reckoned since they’re so familar wae each other and it has a bit of bad blood involved, that it might be decent. Well aye…that wis inaccurate. Titus just disnae have it mate. He’s a charismatic, funny guy, but aw I see is clumsy forearms and things that look like a variation of a spinebuster when he wrestles. Even kinda botched the Clash Of The Titus for the win here. I dunno where they go with this now, hopefully in the same direction as they took the big Tonnes of Funk breakup, by sweepin it under the carpet, and stickin a hot poker up the erse of anyone who dares tae mention it again.
The Wyatt Family vs The Shield
Guys, I’m not fuckin worthy. Dont even look at me awrite? I cannae dae it. I’ve seen it twice noo and I’m in nae fit state emotionally tae put myself through it again. People should not be exposed to such breathtaking wonders without being liberally splashed wae Holy Water beforehand. If yer skin burns, you are not worthy. I’m no a religious man either, but only the purest souls are worthy. Even Micheal Cole made this amazin. Michael fuckin Cole. By reading out tweets in a slightly chilling manner. Bray Wyatts patter urged The Shield tae leave their guns at home, but unless yer on about Roman Reigns biceps, yer talkin wet there Bray. Only firearm these boays have ever needed with that triple powerbomb, and the verbal bullets Dean Ambrose dishes oot in his promos. Harper remarked that “you 3 boys picked a beautiful hill to die on” and that patter is too beautiful tae derive humour fae it so i’ll just leave it tae sink in.
A fuckin “This Is Awesome” chant for a staredown. A staredown. Thats how intae it the crowd were, before anycunt had slung a right hook in anger. Wonderful. A let’s go Wyatts/lets go Shield chant emerges, and I’m fairly certain its just everycunt chanting for both teams? why would ye not? two of the most dominant, talented stables in WWE history cuttin aboot in the same era. Gettin ready tae knock lumps ootae each other. Beautiful. Lets get tae some of that wrasslin eh?
Quick tags between Rollins and Reigns as they stomp a mudhole in Rowans chest. Harper tries tae pull Rollins’ beady eyes oot before gettin the big yin in. That guy wae big bastardin beard and the words that make ye want tae curl up intae a wee baw n just drink every last one of the creepy bastards in. Wee mug of hot chocolate, and a large measure of fear. Big Reignsy gets tagged in for the face off we’ve all been waitin for. They exchange wild jabs and headbutts, before Reigns takes Bray doon with a chop. Harper gets back in and him and Roman The Impaler huv a wee battle of suplex supremacy, wae Reigns emerging triumphant. Aw these intriguing wee personal battles so far, and we’ve still had nothing that makes yer boaby come pokin oot yer Banana Hammock, but that wis about tae change. These 6 were about tae alter your perception on what good tag wrestling is aw about.
Beautiful wee bitta triple teamin fae the shield as Rollins uses Ambrose as a launching pad, before sending Harper intae Reigns for a big lariat. Ambrose hits Harper wae an absolute peach of a back elbow aff the top rope, before Harper takes advantage of Rowans distraction tae nail a dropkick. That wis the first point where I could feel potentially deadly gasses come floatin oot ma ears. A fuckin 6 fit 10 monster nailing a picture perfect dropkick. That widnae be the first time Harper wid make ye sit up n go “haud on a fuckin minute!”
Bray gets back in and bursts Ambrose in the corner wae a huge splash, before Rowan tries tae squeeze oor Deans brain oot his ears with some serious squeezin.
Beautiful storytelling so far, with both teams huvin their fair share of the action, but we aw knew they were comin. It was time for some spots, and it wis time for them tae blow us away. Harper catchin Rollins on his way up top, and goes for a German Suplex throw, but Rollins fuckin LANDS ON HIS FEET and sends Harper tae the outside. Suicide dive tae follow has Harper reeling, but the big bastard still isnae taken off his feet, so Rollins fires him back in the ring and hits a big springboard kick tae the melt (thats its official title now btw, springboard melt kick, get used tae it) Another heart warming lets got Wyatts/lets go Shield chant. Both these teams being so over despite the fact that they’re both heely as fuck, and cut fae very different cloths gies me faith in wrestling fans. For all their quirks and tendencies tae be single minded wanks, for the most part most folk know a properly good thing when they see it. This wis it. This wis the blueprint. 6 men, all getting over TOGETHER. Nae sacrifices. Nae cunt being buried to allow another to get over. They were ALL getting there, and it wis breathtaking tae watch at times.
Bray Wyatt screams for a tag, and big Reigns looks upon the chinlock he had Rollins in wae much eroticism. He wanted in. He wanted tae fill this match wae a slice of his Sweaty Samoan Smouldering fuckin suhin. He wanted in there tae cause high octane havoc. Ambrose breaks up a pin attempt and winds up huvin tae scoop his jaw up wae a brush n shovel after Harper dismantled it wae a big boot. Then Big Reigns got fuckin sick of not bossing this yin, and went a wee bit loco on some bearded coupon. First he takes Rowan out wae a Superman Punch, and a big Samoan Drop, before being sent outside by Harper, only for him tae sneak roon the other side of the ring and hit that fuckin consistently stunning dropkick that winds up wae him sittin on the apron lookin smug as fuck. Oh aye, know how I nearly had a simultaneous heart attack/orgasm for Harpers dropkick? aye well. I came very fuckin close tae spontaneous combustion when Ambrose and Bray both moved their way tae the outside, and Harper only went n busted out a fuckin…a fuckin..aw fuck I cannae even….I just..he’s so big and he nailed a SUICIDE DIVE. The Suicide Dive that ye wurnae even allowed tae process properly before Rollins came leaping over the top, landing erse first on oor Herper.
Aw that carnage on the outside, and Reigns almost snuck the win wae a rollup on Rowan, but the perennially confused looking monster kicked oot. Back on the outside, Rollins strips the Spanish Announce Table bare, wae intentions of putting one of the bears he wis doing battle wae through it, but Bray and Harper gang up on the poor soul. I slag Rollins and his daft voice quite a lot, but he has undoubtedly stole the show in this match so far, and ye had this sneaking feeling that his reward for aw that effort, wis gonnae be a generous helping of Spanish announce table imbedded in his skull. Ambrose provides spectacular hauners though, as him and Bray spill out intae the crowd, knockin the utter shite out each other. My previous prediction (which may or may not be based on this being the third time ive seen this match, and knowing exactly whit happens, but lets keep that between us eh. BFFs. Its in the fuckin vault) Bray merges fae his brawl wae Ambrose with Deano naewhere tae be seen. Rowan hits a braw fallaway slam tae send Reigns tae the outside and thats when we’re left wae the menacing prospect of aw three Wyatts and 2 announce tables vs Seth Rollins. Harper and Rowan staun on the English announce table (or whitever the fuck ye call the language Lawler speaks these days) and send Rollins flying through the Spanish yin wae a double chokeslam throw. Seth Rollins is deid. This is not a work. If JR called that this match, he’d have been screamin BEHEMOTH! in Brays face, and greetin intae his JRs own BBQ sauce napkin.
So we’re down tae a 3 on 1 mugging it would seem as Reigns gets laid oot wae a big boot, and seems primed and ready tae feel Sister Abigail’s warm embrace. Follow The Buzzards Roman ma man, it’s a lot easier than the pain ye might be subjected tae if ye dont. He receives a warm, almost regretful kiss tae the foreheid and the end to his misery appears imminent..but haud oan! Big Reignsy powers oot! and hits a HUGE Samoan Drop, Superman Punches for Harper and Bray tae follow and ye were left believin the big shagger could actually dae this! by fuck..he couldnae could he? nae way man.
Reigns looks set tae seperate Bray fae his Wyatts (in this metaphor his Wyatts as his baws btw..im implying his top half will be seperated from his bottom half…funny jokes n that) as he goes for the Spear, but Harper jumps in and takes the bullet instead, and when Reigns wis havin his brief post Spear spell of unconsciousness, Bray swooped in tae bring this glorious shit tae an end wae Sister Abigail.
I don’t really have the words tae accurately sum up how much I enjoyed that match. It quite honestly drained the life oot me. In the best way. THAT was fuckin wrestling.
Challenge extended tae the remaining matches I suppose. Dae yer best tae top that.
AJ Lee vs Cameron
Aye I’m no daein it troops. I love yees and I want ye tae be happy, so I’ll no subject ye tae my apathy for this by re-watching it and summing it up. Instead I’d like tae take this opportunity tae tell ye that I really want tae make awkward elbowy love tae Tamina Snuka. Oh and she got AJ disqualified, so her title reign lives tae fight another day. After The Shield n Wyatts, all 6-7 minutes of this fuckin reeked of futility.
Albert Del Hero vs A Big Diddy Ride
MA FUCKIN HEEEEEEERO! (his fuckin hero!)
Why’s Del Rio ma fuckin hero I hear ye ask? where tae fuckin start eh. Where tae start indeed. Del Rio comes oot in his finest Bear USA trackie, and crutches, claiming he’s in nae fit state tae compete after having his shit ruined in various ways by Bawheidsta over the past few weeks. Cept its a dirty big ruse! he batter Batista stupid and orders the ref tae ring the bell! A Boo-Tista chant breaks out, which with further proof that for the most part, wrestling fans are awrite. Ye get arseholes, but most folk know this is aw wrang. Most folk know Batista can just get tae fuck. Most folk knew he wis gonnae win this shit though, so despite my visceral enjoyment for aw the kicks, and attacks on Batista’s arm Del Rio wis reeling oot, he was of course laid flat out wae the awful spear, Batista Bomb combo and that wis aw she wrote.
If you had anything but a mixture of dejection, and roastin hoat apathy for the way that shit ended, then yer built wrang. Ye need one of Bob Kelsos full body scans, so we can see the extent of your irreparable brokeness. Let the lord have mercy on yer soul.
Cesaro vs Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan vs John Cena vs Christian vs Randy Orton (Elimination Chamber Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Title)
Cesaro and Sheamus kick us aff wae a brutal exchange of forearms and European Uppercuts. A knee lift and a clothesline sends Cesaro tae the outside, before Sheamus reels oot the spot the grinds my gears mare than any other. It always fuckin has, and I dunno why, cause I like Sheamus as a wrestler. As a character is never fully clicked, but as a wrestler I’m a fan, except when he gets in aboot this chest beating spot. I cannae even put a finger on why it bothers me so much. Just does meht. I wis the biggest Stone Cold mark on the planet, but yon stompin a mudhole n walkin it dry patter wis always tiresome tae me. I dunno why. Sometimes I get irrationally irritated at nondescript wrasslin hings. Dinnae you worry about that though, thats my cross tae bear.
Cesaro turns the tables by sending Sheamus intae the ringpost, then coming aff the middle rope tae land a double foot stomp on the cage floor. Then it was Dbry time. In he comes, slingin aw sortsa knees n dropkicks, reducing both Cesaro n Sheamus tae their knees in sheer awe of the man. They both recieve numerous kicks tae the chest, then DBry gets Sheamus in a wee leglock. Sheamus decides thats a good time tae catch a northern lights suplex, so DBry takes care of that whilst he still has Cesaro in yon leglock. Daniel Bryans my hero really. He just gets it and I want us tae tie our beards together and live on a secluded island somewhere as one big hairy face. Only efter he’s done being fuckin amazin at the wrasslin and winnin aw the belts but. Once he gets that shift out the road, then we fulfll our bearded destiny.
Crossbody attempt fae Dbry is caught and turned intae a tilt-o-whirl backbreaker by Cesaro. Folk seem tae forget that despite Cesaros uppercut perfection, DBry slings a decent wee uppercut himself, and he delivers a few tae Cesaros iron jaw, before the big yin decies he’s had just about enough n sends Bryan through one of the empty pods wae a big Oirish Whip.
Fuckin loved pretty much all of Cesaro n Sheamus’s exchanges in this yin btw. Cesaro delivers some thunderous uppercuts tae the pale one, but fella countered that by hoisting him up and hittin the Finlay Roll on the cage floor. Fuckin saaaaaaaaaare. But Cesaro’s made of cast iron or suhin. Nae way that wis puttin him doon. Kick out at 2, please and thank you. Next tae enter the carnage is Heel Christian. Heel Christian is like normal Christian, if ye lined his gear wae wae jaggy nettles and itching powder. He jist looks permanently dissatisfied. He comes in hoat, and goes after Dbrys shoulder, before hitting him wae a Tornado DDT. Sheamus has had quite enough of Heel Christian and his salty attitude, so he hurls him up ontae his shoulder and starts leatherin him aff the cage. Looks like he’s gaun for a powerslam, but Christian reverses it and drops yer Celtic warrior on the cage floor. Aw the sare dunts.
Next sare dunt recipient is Christian himself after a lovely wee exchange wae Cesaro, Christian goes for a hurricanrana after he dived off the cage, but Cesaro caught him and sent the poor bastard back first intae one of the pods, before delivering a beaut of an uppercut tae send Christian back intae the ring. Too many things happenin. No enough time.
Cena gets in and catches a top rope rana aff Dbry before he can even get his bearings. By my reckoning this is the first time these two have been opponents since Sumemrslam, so I wis right intae this brawness. Gies him the kicks tae the chest, but Dbry gets blindedsided by the killswitch fae Christian and that brings us a near fall. Christian gets leathered aff the cage wall by Cena next, before Cena finds himself on the sharp end of my favourite spot in wrestling right now. When Cesaro chucks cunts up in the air, and catches them wae an uppercut on the road doon, I chuck ma seminal fluids aw err the gaff. Up yer curtains, in yer fuckin oven, on yer deck chair, intae yer da’s glovebox. Shootin it hard, n shootin it true, but its John Cena that took it, so ye know he kicked out at 2.
Sheamus wis the first oot, after a valiant uppercut laden effort, but before that he gave us a helluva thrill. Orton gets the fear after entering the match and seeing everycunt gang up on him, so he runs back intae his pod and hides. Gies Sheamus patter along the lines of “you cant break in here, these walls are unpentrable, and that Brogue Kick you have…is useless” so Sheamus relives his glory days of cuttin aboot Dublin kickin phone boxes in fur sport, as he kicks the door of the pod clean aff its hinges and sets aboot the nae eyed face of the company. Sheamus catches Cena wae a Brogue, but Christian sneaks up behind him and gets a 2 count wae a cheeky rollup. Christian escapes a Razors Edge attempt fae Sheamus (fuck knows whit he cries it, The Celtic Arrow or suhin) by climbing on tae the top of one of the pods and that’s when ye knowssomethin braw is about tae occur. Dissapointingly Orton gets in the mix, but he hits a lovely wee superplex on Sheamus, leaving Christian tae hit a beautiful splash fae the top of the pod. Fuckin too gid. 1..2..3. Sheamus oot.
Next oot wis Christian, after he dumped Orton on tae the cage floor, and turned round straight intae the flying knee fae Dbry. Have tae gie Sheamus and Christian huners of credit for their role in this match though. Both part of some eye popping spots, and Sheamus had some sublime exchanges wae Cesaro. Yees played yer part boayzies, up that road for some well earned rest.
We then get a face off between Cena n DBry, and it wis brief but lovely aw the same. Cena gets Dbry up for the AA, and Cesaro done that amazin thing he does where he invents new things and disnae really gie a fuck how many spontaneous stauner induced heart attacks these things cause. As he hits Cena wae a German Suplex while Dbry wis still up on his shoulders. Spots Orton stirring on the outside anaw, so he catches a big boot tae the jaw and all of a sudden the optimist in me is jolted awake. Can Cesaro actually fuckin dae this?
Naw……but his elimination wis my favourite of the match in terms of aesthetics, so there’s always that as a consolation. He rolls through an STF attempt, and goes for a gutwrench powerbomb, but Cena reverses it intae his most successful rana tae date. Still a botchy shiter, but at least he didnae powerbomb homsef eh. That leads tae Cena hittin the AA on Cesaro fae the ring tae the cage floor, and he locks in the STF eventually. Cesaro taps n that wis that. Cena appears tae be in an STF frenzy as he gets Orton locked intae it next, but then there wis darkness. Then there wis the eater of worlds. Then there were Wyatts.
The lights cut back on and there they stand. They toss Dbry aside, cause despite their problems wae him he’s no longer the target. The target is the man they perceive tae be a purveyor of nothing but lies, half-truths and empty promises. John Cena is sent intae the corner, before having a fully grown Erick Rowan slung at him by Harper. Harper follows that up wae a braw lariat, and Sister Abigail fae Bray gets the job done. So thats Cena vs Bray a lock for Mania then eh? as it stands, its a potential show stealer so I’m a-ok wae that brother. Orton slithers err tae oor Stricken Cena and gets the pin and we’re down tae DBry n Orton.
Kane comes oot tae oversee the mess that lay before him, and as soon as ye seen his melt ye knew whit wis coming. It’s a damn shame, but ye kent it. DBry tries tae get a jump on the big cunt wae a knee ta the side of the dome. DBry goes intae yon mode where ye can barely keep up wae whits happenin. Supersonic DBry, wae the numerous dropkicks on Orton as he’s hung up in the corner. Suplex fae the top rope gets a two count, before Orton turns the tables and hits the DDT aff the second rope. Orton looks like he’s closing in on a surprisingly clean win, when all of a sudden FLYING KNEE OUTTA NAEHWERE. DANIEL BRYAN IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA SURELY!?!?!?! …mind Kane’s still in there but, and with the count at 2, he pulled the ref oot. Orton hits the RKO and that wis tha……hing on, whit? he kicked out at 2? but…he’s no John Cena….whits even fuckin happenin man. Is Kane still aboot? I NEED A SEDATIVE THIS IS TOO MUCH.
DBry seems tae be winding up for the flying knee once again, but Kane catches him wae a jab, Orton catches him wae an RKO and the outcome we aw knew was coming deep down finally materialised. Orton escapes the chamber wae the belts. Randy Orton is headlining Wrestlemania 30 against a man who cannae work a 5 minute match without steam comin oot his fuckin ears. I hope its on first, and it pishes doon during Batistas entrance, meaning the only decent thing about him gets ruined. Nae pyro, nae party. Fuck ye
Overall I thought Elimination Chamber was excellent. Despite my annoyance at the outcome and reluctance tae ever see it again, The Usos match wae The Outlaws was a belter. Big E and Swagger would have been match of the night on any other card, but the masterpiece fae The Shield n Wyatts just edged it. The chamber match wis also stoatin despite the finish, and we got tae see Del Rio batter Batista stupid wae a crutch. Throw in some Cesaro brilliance, and a smidgen of decent shit fae Christian and Sheamus and ye have yersell 7.5 Snapmares outta 10 for this shit. Lovely.