Pittin this up cause its funny and he’s ma pal, but I refuse tae make anything bold. Nor do I endorse any of the blatantly antagonistic patter towards myself..and you, the audience.
Ahhhh Minneapolis. The city that gave us the greatest musician of all time, now gives us the greatest PPV of February 2014. I say that as if it’s a great city, but these are literally the only 2 significant things to occur in that absolute shitter of a city. I’ve never been, and I widnae want tae. Welcome to my Elimination Chamber review.
Before you read any further let me just say: if you came here looking for glesga accents, beating jokes about Irwin Schyster’s baws into the ground, completely inaccurate recollections and stupid drawings of wrestlers then you can get the fuck out. It is not by choice that I am published on this joke of a ‘blog’, and this will be my last review for the man you all adore, Martin Smith. I refuse to write for a man who doesn’t even respect the art of writing enough to bold the wrestlers names when I ask him to. I stand for real journalism, and until it is properly represented on this blog, or even on another blog, I refuse to write. I will not write.
(BOLD)Cody Rhodes & Goldust Vs Ryback & Curtis Axel(/BOLD)
I didnae see this match. Not because I didn’t watch the kickoff show, but cause Larry Hennig was at ringside and I couldnae see past his neck. Cody Rhodes & Goldust won.
Intercontinental Championship match
Big E Vs Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter)
After a few hiccups it seems Jack Swagger might be getting the push every WWE fan has been waiting for. He’s looked a bit naecuntish for a while but his alliance with Zeb and Cesaro has really spurred him on, and for the first time in a long time people seem to be interested in him.
This is the one match on the card that I thought the outcome wasn’t blatantly obvious, and I really though Big E might drap the strap tae ma main man. But he wisnae gaun down without a fight. A lot of bouncing off the ropes and clattering into your opponent in the most beautiful way from both competitors, and let me tell you something guys, this match had MAD belly-to-bellys.
At one point Swagger was on the apron when Big E speared him from inside the ropes, and kept goin. Gorgeous. Big E wis go on to wriggle out the patriot lock in the most hilarious way ever, twice, and then eventually hit the big ending on the big cunt, and retain the intercontinental title.
Tag Team Championship match
New Age Outlaws Vs The Usos
I’m sorry but I honestly cannae mind. I remember it being braw but that’s it. I’m sure the outlaws ended up outside at one point and either one or two usos jumped er the rope intae them. Tags were probably made, and the outlaws probably did some funny stuff. Billy rolled up an Uso for the W. Maybe.
Lovin having the boays as champs by the way, I’m hearing a lotta hate for it cause of the strong tag division right now, but here’s the thing, fuck up. If anyone else was good enough to beat the outlaws and take the belts they would have done it, end of. Also Road Dogg’s really funny and I don’t want it to stop.
Darren Young Vs Titus O’Neal
I wis really lookin furrit tae this match for some reason. I’ve loved Tito’s mic work since the split, and he really did seem tae be in the right. Why should he carry the dead weight of Young any more, when it’s hindering his own success? Well he shifted the dead weight and he’s still shite. Great at the talkin, shite at the wrestling. Exact opposite of Daniel Snoozefest Bryan. Titus won.
I point to Roman Reigns as an example of how a great wrestler can be moulded from shite. Even as recently as a few months back he still wisnae clickin, and now it aw just works. A wee bit a nurturing and Leakee eventually developed intae one of the most exciting wrestlers in the company today. I suggested that this method would work with Titus even more effectively, Titus already has bags of personality, a much better startin point than Reigns. Why can’t he too be developed and nurtured for a few years to become a superstar?
Because he’s 35. It’s true, Marty telt me. Fuck sake.
The Shield Vs The Wyatt Family
Listen I’ll no say much on this. There wis a crackin bit when they were all having a stare down and Bray was in Deans face chanting ‘Roman Reigns! Roman Reigns!’ which musta drove the poor cunt mental. Wee genius things like that make ye wanty kneel doon and kiss Mike Rotunda’s testicles tae thank them for creating such beauty. Anyways there’s nuhin I can say about this absolutely fucking incredible match that Marty didnae, so here’s his review. [INSERT LINK]
Divas Championship match
AJ Lee Vs Cameron
Perhaps it’s disrespectful to reduce female athletes and entertainers to mere eye candy, but ye don’t feel as bad about it when the match as is shite as this. Suhin about AJ man. She’s gorgeous like, but it’s no that. It’s that wee bit a mentalness that makes her so attractive. Ye just know she’s intae aw the freaky sex stuff. And no the stuff your thinkin of, like lickin chocolate aff yer partners chest, dripping candlewax on each other, and erse stuff. Proper freaky shit like swallowing her ain foot.
Tamina kicked AJ giving Cameron the easy pin, so Tamina pullt her oot and gied her a doin tae even it up. The ref failed tae see things this way and disqualified AJ Lee, but she still retains baby!
Batista Vs Alberto Del Rio
I fuckin love ADR. Yer man comes out in crutches, kinnon he’s got an injury, and then it turns oot he’s no! Catches big Dave aff his guard and pummels him intae the deck until he is dust. Del Rio takes his place at Wrestlemania 30, in which a tribute vignette is played to commemorate the life of Batista, and his ashes are spread at Celtic Park, wae the resta the scum. A surprise Money In The Bank ladder match is announced for Wrestlemania, which Ziggler wins and cashes in right away, winning and becoming WWE World Heavyweight Champ.
Elimination Chamber match for WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Randy Orton Vs John Cena Vs Cesaro Vs Daniel Bryan Vs Sheamus Vs Christian
Listen I’m no even gonnae bother. It was a really great match, but why is Randy being forced to endanger himself in this ridiculous structure after the difficult few weeks he’s had. It’s a god damn miracle that he even came oot his wee glass booth, a lesser man would have ran back in to escape danger. Oh and hey, surprise, Randy retained after pinning Daniel Bryan for the 5388th time in recent history. Has there ever been a stronger champion? Does he literally have to beat every wrestler on the roster before he gets the respect he deserves? He will never come up off dem straps.
Thanks for reading my Elimination Chamber review! I give this Elimination Chamber 8.5/10!
Here is a drawing of Dean Ambrose telling Bray Wyatt tae weesht. I will not write.