It’s strange how a change of scenery can change yer perception on something eh. I remember a few months back when I first got back intae watching TNA, and I saw Hogan try tae steal the spotlight every fuckin week, chattin aw sorts of shite, gettin folk’s names wrang, forcing his bawjawed daughter on us and just generally ruining TNA from within. He didnae belong there. It’s as simple as that. TNA wis a company known for innovation, and being a viable alternative to the WWE. Never in danger of overtaking it in terms of market share, but a true alternative for wrestling fans. There’s nae space for a deluded auld cunt wae a misplaced sense of importance in a place like that, but in the WWE? Theres always a place. That’s why we’re gonnae continue tae see Triple H work dire WM matches when hes well intae his 50s, and fuds like Batista are tolerated. Cause the WWE is aw about makin that cash money ma man, and for aw his problems, and the current apathy a lot of wrestling fans have for the withered auld toad, he still sells t-shirts. His theme music could still pop any crowd in the world, and I don’t limit that tae wrestling either. Ye could play that fuckin thing at a Lionel Ritchie concert, n ye’d have middle aged wuman tying their blouses roon their heids and grilling youngsters aboot their vitamin and prayer intake. My point wae this wee ramble? Is there ever wan? Anyway, the point is. Hogan opened the show. Hogans theme opened the show, and whilst on the outside I kept the usual calm demeanour thats show me win numerous games of online checkers; on the inside I wis screamin like a wee lassie. A wee lassie who’d just been told she got tickets tae go n see The Singing Kettle no less! (or whitever the fuck weans are intae these days..Clifford The Big Rid Dug or suhin) Ye see when I wis a youngster, all I ever wanted tae be was Hulk Hogan. I thought that wis a real job. When Hulk retired, they’d be haudin vest ripping auditions for his successor. Me.
Now? jaysus. Wid make ye heart sick wid it no? oot he comes, none of the trademark vigour tae accompany his majestic theme music. None of the cohesion of thought that used tae see him churn oot wide eyed, passionate promos. Fuck all. A shell. A shell who makes nae fuckin sense. The promo wis about nothing here. Fuck all. Wrestlemania, WWE Network, WWE Universe. The words Jack, brother, then and now must have been said at least a hunner times each. He has a huge announcement anaw, a huge announcement that wis announced about 3 days earlier. He’s hosting Wrestlemania 30. Cunt needs help tae pour his cereal these days, but yer gonnae had him the keys tae yer flagship ppv. Smooth manoeuvre Vinny mate. Between this, and yer main event involving the worst human being on planet earth. Speak of the cunt, and he shall appear. HULLO DAVE!
Batista vs Alberto Del Rio
Booed tae fuck again. The fans have pretty much made this decision for him. He’s a heel. He comes oot lookin like someones just shat on his veranda, carved the shite intae the shape of a dagger and slung it up his left nostril. The match goes along pretty much the same way as last nights effort, bar the crutch attack. Then outta naewhere something good happened! Ortons music hit, and he slithers oot for a wee chat. Bawtista looks startled! Last time he seen Orton, the cunt had eyes, so naturally he wis taken aback. Del Rio rolls him up for the win! fuckin…yassss.
Orton actually cuts a braw promo about how folk have been booing Batista, so he must be sorry he came back. Batista deflects these claims by gien it chat about how IM GONNA MAIN EVENT THE WRESTLE MANIA SHOW AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! DEAL WITH IT. He fuckin said “deal with it!” again. I cannae even dae this anymerr. I’m deid. Stone deid. Fuckin deal with it. Mate….yer 44, and contrary tae popular belief, I actually think a penis dwells in they skinny jeans yer so fond of, so whit in the name of fuckin christ are ye playin at? stop saying deal with it. Stop saying words generally infact. Just fuckin…..bolt.
Cesaro vs Big E
Aye this’ll dae me. Two of my favourite cunts on planet earth right here. No even just wrestling, I mean two of my favourite human beings. Big E makes me incredibly proud tae be the bearer of a wee set of man diddies mysell, I mean they’re fuck all compared tae his shimmering beauties, but they’re no bad. My nipples are usually solid anaw, so thats where I start tae identify wae my main man Cesaro, and then there’s the rapidly progressing receding hairline, so essentially, if ye really think about it, I’m like aw the best bits of these two put together. Minus the wrestling ability, physique and ability tae deadlift a double-decker bus, but I’m a glass half full kinda guy, so I’m gonnae ignore the things I dont have, and focus on the things I do have (incase yer wondering whit that means specifically, it means I’m gonnae play wae ma diddies as I review this match)
We start wae some high-octane rope running, and a big shoulder tackle fae Big E. A brutal exchange of uppercuts, belly jabs and stiff knees tae the ribs followed, wae Cesaro getting the better of that, before being sent haufway tae China wae a huge belly to belly throw. Big E wis obviously concerned about Cesaro perhaps unlawfully crossing borders after the first yin, so he flings him back from whence he came wae another big belly to belly throw. Thunderous backbreakers fae Big E followed, 3 of the fuckers. 3 aint enough big yin, we need 5 (like…Big Es theme….cause thats the lyrics…thats the joke….d’ye get it?)
Big E misses the big shoulder charge in the corner, and that leads tae Cesaro getting intae the ascendency. Standing double foot stomp brings a 2 count. Some diddy shattering elbows fae Cesaro, were followed by some lariats, and a plain auld boring run of the mill belly tae belly suplex fae Big E. Big splash brings another near fall, and that’s when the straps come doon. Big yins hud plenty enough. Cesaro wriggles ootae the Big Ending attempt though, and sends Big E full speed towards the ropes, only tae hoist him a million feet in the air, summon Swagger intae the ring tae gie him a punty, and then with the aid of said punty he delivered a million feet high big uppercut tae Big Es jaw. That only got a 2 count anaw, and when Cesaro tried tae follow it up with a big lariat in the corner, Big E caught him and …..well fuck knows whit ye’d call it, but he stopped him in his tracks and slammed him in a Rock Bottom typa fashion.
Cesaro slings Big E tae the outside, where Jack Swaggers sour coupon dwells. Swagger seems a wee bit salty after taking the L affa Big E the night before, and tries tae come at him, but Big E skanted him, toed his exposed baws and made his way back intae the ring for a wee date wae a Cesaro Swing. Gets swung for 10 rotations then eh……whit? Swagger jumped in and battered Big E. Gettin the cunt who validates his existence on a weekly basis fuckin DQ’ed. Whit in the name of the wee man wis that aboot? Cesaro draws the cunt the dirtiest of looks, whilst whispering “when we gonnae lose the dead weight?” in Zebs ear. I dunno if I like it or not, but I sense a Real Americans split coming up, wae Cesaro vs Swagger being on the WM30 card. It would likely be a beauty of a match, but a wee part of me wants these two tae have a wee run wae the tag belts (after ma Usos of course) and that wee part of me wis feelin better about life after Big E goes for Swagger, and gets hit wae a neutralizer. Real Americans remain united…for now.
JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN SEEEEEEEENAH (gets dismantled by a Wyatt or 3)
Ah John Cena. I really wish it didnt have to be this way my friend. You’ve earned my respect over the past 3 years. Perhaps even more than that. You’ve gained my admiration. With every 4-5 star match you put on, my scepticism about your abilities becomes more and more of an irrelevance. You continue to divide opinion and spark debate more than any other wrestler on the roster. So its a shame it has to end this way. It tears my heart in two, but what am I to do?
Cena says some words. They aren’t relevant though. He’s almost like a hype man. A warm up act for the man who for me is currently poised to become one of the most significant characters in WWE history. This is Bray Wyatts time. And if you don’t buy in tae that way of thinking, you arent being edgy or original. Yer simply getting in the way. With every mind numbing Husky Harris chant, and yer inane CM Punk patter, you’re deliberately de-railing the momentum of a man who really should be taking this company by storm.
He gets on the mic and does wonderful things. Spine chilling. They’ve come after John Cena because he’s a liar. He promised to keep these people…HIS people, safe. He promised that if they stand behind him and pledge allegiance to his multi coloured flag, they’d have no worries, but what became of it John? All you ever achieved was giving them false hope. Hope that this world isn’t the cold, and lonely place it’s always appeared to be. Bray tells Cena he agrees with he earlier statement that the future of this company will have to go through John Cena. He formally introduces himself, and Cena does him the courtesy of responding in kind, before warning the Wyatts that if any of them made the bold decision tae slide under that bottom rope and have a go at Cena…they’d be starting somethin they might not be able tae finish…..heres the problem wae that John ma man. There’s 3 of them, and despite yer superhuman tendencies…yer still just one man. They did slide under that bottom rope after all and stomped Cena out a wee bit, but upon seeing him limping aboot, they decided to allow him to live to fight another day. Or did they? Rowan edges his way back intae the ring, and off that distraction Bray takes Cena out with a huge elbow to the ribs I’ll tell ye this for free but, nae amount of catchphrases, and bravado is gonnae help ye avoid having yer insides ripped oot and fed tae the dugs by these dastardly cunts. Part of the reason I’ve grown tae admire Cena is his determination and never say die attitude, but on this occasion? Dont put yersell through it mate. Follow the buzzards.
Sheamus vs Christian
This wis really fuckin gid btw. I feel bad for not caring about it, but it has nae heat whatsoever. Nane. Ye can have Christian pulling as many angry faces as ye fuckin want, but he’s still a really nice Canadian man. Good tae his parents, and gies over 13% of his salary tae charity. We had the chest beating spot wae Christian facing TOWARDS the ring which was…eh..different I suppose eh? Goes for White Noise but had it reversed intae a sexy wee rollup for a 2 count. Sheamus goes for a Brogue, but yer man Christian ducked it, and went up tae the second rope, only tae catch a MID AIR BROGUE OUTTA NAEPLACE. Gid brogue. Gid match. Mazel mazel..gid things.
Oh aye. Daniel Bryan caught Triple H as him and Steph were gettin ready tae depart in their shaggin wagon (thats whit they call their Limo btw, coupla dirty bastards..HOW ABOUT YE STOP MAKIN DAUGHTERS AND ACTUALLY BOOK DOLPH ZIGGLER PROPERLY EH?? CHEERZ) and he challenges him tae a Wrestlemania match. Trips informs him that he plans on taking Mania season off this year tae tour indy promotions, and give the promoters advice on how to under utilise everyone with any talent, and instead he offers him a match wae Kane tonight, and tall glass of shut the fuck up. DBry accepts the match, and declines the cheeky offer of silence based hydration. I don’t think ye can even get glasses of shut the fuck up. If ye could, I’d have forced wan doon Batistas neck 5 weeks ago.
Kane vs Daniel Bryan
This is not a RAW tae be messed with. There’s actually fuck all I can gloss over here. Usually ye get somethin that can be easily skipped and explained away with some shite patter about The Headshrinkers never actually shrinking anycunts heid. This wis another stoater. Kane responds tae an early flurry of kicks, by going tae work on the Bryan gammy right shoulder. Bryan continues tae go HAM (hard as a muhfucka, lettin Kane know who he is) on Kanes legs, bending them in aw sortsa ways. Chopblocks n that. Vicious kicks n that. Kane gets back intae it, and goes after the shoulder again, before the former tag champions play a wee game of chasies, that leads tae a DBry suicide dive attempt being thwarted by a huge uppercut fae Kane. Kane launched DBry intae the steps after that, cause when ye get past aw the corporate patter, and the fact that his uses a high end fabric softener on his company issue wife beater, Kane’s still a fuckin DEMON. DBry rallies wae a flying clothesline, and a dazzling array of kicks tae the chest, but when he goes for the big roundhouse finale, Kane shoves him intae the ropes, and catches him wae a sidewalk slam on the road back.
DBry turns the tide once more as he catches Kane up the top rope, and hurricanranas him clean oot the building. We reconvene in the car park, where Kane makes best use of nae cameras being on him, by keyin the shite oota Zack Ryders motor. Evil big cunt. He’s only rentin it ffs! Cunt’s gonnae lose his deposit. That’s no nice.
DBry busts oot a suicide dive wae a deid shoulder, cause it would seem he no longer gives an eff about anything. Follows that up wae a lovely missile dropkick, and a big roundhouse to the melt. Goes for the flying heidbutt but gets caught, and chokeslammed tae buggery. Thats got tae be it eh? No one (cept fae most cunts) has ever kicked out of that chokeslam! Dbry gets the shoulder up of course. He’s no just anycunt is he? he’s The American Dragon! first of his kind. Cut fae a different cloth. Him and Kane engage in a wee Yes Lock/Chokeslam war, but neither of them can get their move locked in, so Dbry decides tae break away fae the whole ordeal and hit a flying knee instead tae put oor Kane tae bed.
Properly enjoyed that yin. As disappointed as I am that DBry probably wont be at the top end of the card for Mania, I still cannae get away from thinking that there’s still a properly brilliant match in the pipeline for him. I’ll continue to hold out hope that it’s Punk. It fuckin has tae be Punk eh? If its Triple H v DBry, I’m telling ye noo, Mania can get tae fuck. I’ll watch it of course, but I’ll be watchin it oot ma peripherals, while the main part of my eye watches auld episodes of My Wife and Kids. That’s a fuckin promise.
DBry goes against everythin I’ve just said there by trying tae get us on board wae this idea. Cause he’s the only wan who can dae it in all honesty int he? If anycunt can sell ye on this dire idea, its DBry. He tried lit a bear, but I’m sorry pal. I cannae be bothered wae it. If Trips managed tae drag a shite match outta Punk 3 years ago, ye better believe he’s gonnae be 3 years slower and shiter now, so he’ll dae the same tae you kid. Don’t let it happen. It is not time for you tae play the game.
Summer Rae vs Emma (ON RAW..YASSSS)
Admittedly I’ve slipped behind wae ma NXT, having been right intae it for a few months. It’s a situation I’m in the process of rectifying, but I still reserve the right tae nurse a wee stauner at this yin being a RAW match. Two hella talented lassies btw. I know Summer Rae’s lit a living barbie doll, but shes actually no bad in the ring and here….ye’ve seen they legs eh? Dont even try n tell me ye’ve no seen them! Ah ken ye huv! Emmas a lovely wee thing anaw. Coupla talented braw yins daein braw shit. Lets be havin ye!
Summer batters Emma early on, and screeches some obscenities at Santino. That voice of hers is an instant stauner killer, but I also wonder whit the reverberations fae it would be like on ma baws. I mean whit? I’m only kiddin. Thats probably sexism, or at least some mild misogyny, but its important that ye know I’m only huvin a laff (is he huvin a laff?) Aye…just said I wis, ye deef?. Match was a wee bit of a letdown in al honesty. Deserved a lot more time than it got, but Emma won wae the Emma Lock, and that wis that.
Emma and Santino have a wee dance tae celebrate, and is that no just the nicest thing? I hope they just stay pals. Whit they have is so pure. So nectar. Tonnes of fun.
The Usos defeat The Outlaws in a non title match, furthering my dismay for the current belt situation and making me resent…everything
Dont even fuckin talk tae me man. I wis really enjoying this RAW tae, but yer just boaby teasin here. Road Dogg asks The Usos tae exit the ring so he can dae his usual patter, but the bell had already rung! So The Usos sneak back in, clean Billy Gunn oot, and a superkick and big splash later sees the Road Dogg laid out for the 3 count. WHY NO DAE THIS WAE THE BELTS ON THE LINE BUT? sorry for shoutin, but mon tae fuck. Sort it oot. When I say “Uce” I want yous tae be able tae say “Ooh” and then a third person says “Tag” and a fourth person says “Team” and a conga line of cunts say “Champions!” in unison. No too much tae ask is it?
Roman Reigns vs Bray Wyatt
Fuck this crowd. Fuck yer fuckin Husky Harris chants. D’ye hink anycunt wis chantin Mean Mark Callous when Taker made his WWE debut? naw, cause back in the early 90s, wrestling wisnae full of know it all wanks who think its more important for them tae get over than the wrestlers. Fuck the lot of yees, and yer pale New Jersey imitation fuckin shite. See if ye want tae be a memorable crowd? ye misunderstand what it means to be part of an audience and I hope yer next shite’s an angry Boa Constrictor wae a Porcupine on its back.
Anyway…fuckin, wrestling n that. I saw a wee bit of a mixed reaction tae this, but I’m no really sure whit folk were expecting. Reigns for all his improvement is still a limited guy, so the early stages were always gonnae be quite cagey. I found the whole thing engaging as fuck, fae the old school lockup tae start us off, tae the big shoulderblock and elevated elbow drop fae Reigns tae follow. It wis a fist fight for the most part early on, a fist fight which gradually turned intae an all out brawl. Reigns launches Bray tae the outside, and sneaks roon the corner tae flatten him with a huge lariat. Bray takes over, and chokes Big Reigns on the middle rope, before laying him flat-out wae a suplex. Bray goes for Reigns in the corner, but the big yin pushes him away wae both feet, before hitting a big flying clothesline, and another yin the corner. Does another sneaky roon the ride tae hit that dropkick where he lands on the apron, before settin up for a big ol spear, but then dem big ol Wyatts came oot, breaking the agreement between these two warriors tae leave the troops at home. I dunno why I kicked in tae talkin like Phineas Godwinn briefly there, but we’ll no dwell on that. Harper and Rowan appear outside the ring, and Reigns pleads with them tae bolt. They refuse, so Seth Rollins dives on the cunts. Musta been in his usual perch at the top of the stairs, waitin tae fly doon incase Reignsy needed hauners, but how did he managed tae get doon the stairs safely when the lights were oot for The Wyatts entering? this is a cunt that managed tae botch jumpin over a railing not long ago, so fair play tae him for negotiating that maze.
Back in the ring, oor Reignsy hits the Superman Punch, and it looks like Bray is not for this earth much longer. Harper jumps on the apron and gets cleaned oot, before bizarrely Dean Ambrose jumps in the ring n attacks Bray. Naecunt made a big deal of it really, but it wis definitely unnecessary. Thats a potentially stoatin wee rivlarly brewing. Ambrose’ resentment for Reignsys push has been palpable for a while, and its gonnae lead tae Reigns taking the US Belt aff him soon. Tellin ye. Its awn. Book it.
Brock Lesnar comes oot for a chat
Nahhhhh I’m only kiddin. Paul Heyman comes oot for a chat, whilst Brock Lesnar stauns glaikitly. Heymans tellin us that his client BROCK LEZNUR isnae in a good mood. He’s the rightful number one contender for the WWE Title, for eh…some reason. So the fact that he isnae booked in the Title Match at Mania is a travesty of epic proportions. They’re lucky Brock isnae jumpin aboot the Locker Room wae a Chainsaw, pickin a ‘superstar’ at random and slicing aff their pinky toe wae it.
He’s conquered shit. He’s done it aw. WHY WONT YOU GIVE HIM AW THE BELTS?
What they did give him wis something fairly unique. An open contract for Wrestlemania. All he has tae do is sign it, and hand pick any opponent he wants. Literally anycunt. Ye fancy seein if ye can launch somedy up tae the top tier of the stadium? pick Kofo Kingston. Ye want somedy tae sell the F5 like sumdy stuck a nailbomb up his arse n let it off? Dolph Ziggler. Ye want somedy tae fire oot some hilarious tweets about the match that he’ll delete within 3 hours cause he’s aff his fuckin nut. RYBACK! RUUUUUULES!
But Brock declines the offer. Fuck yer contract. Nae belts? Nae Brock, and then…well….
Nah mate. I don’t mean bong in the cheech n chong sense. I dont mean bong like the noise ye hear before Trevor McDonald starts readin the news. I mean the bong that makes ye stop whit yer daein immediately and fix yer eyes on whichever screen it wis comin fae. I’m talkin about THE bong. The bong of The Underrrrrrrrtakerrrrrrrr.
I only started writing these hings about 8-9 months ago, so as far as I’m aware, this is the first time I’ve had the chance tae say any kind of significant words about The Undertaker, so let me tell ye this. Good int he?
I know. Nearly wrote a book oan Big E vs Cesaro n aw I’ve got for Taker is “good” . Fuck all I could say about this cunt that ye dont already know. A lot of folk are whinging about how shite the Mania Main Event is this year, but a lot of people need tae fuckin weesht. The Undertaker has main evented Wrestlemania for 5 years now. Disnae matter where in the card his match is, or even how good it is these days (cause as that Hell In A Cell match wae Trips proved, it can be pretty mediocre n still called great) it’s the main event, and if we are gettin Brock v Taker, then it’ll probably close the show. Taker comes oot lookin lean, and decidedly mean. A photie of him surfaced online about a week earlier, n he looked like the first guy that played Jerrys Da on Seinfeld. A gallon of Just For Men in the beard wis aw it took tae sort that oot though, and upon seeing his chalk white coupon. Lesnar knew the score. Went fae no even lookin at that shiter of a contract, tae signing it. That wis after a brief staredown of course, and this might be my vivid imagination gaun daft as usual, but I’m almost 30% sure that I saw Taker mouth the words “this is for Zach Gowen” before grabbing the pen and signing the contract THROUGH Brocks haun, and Chokeslamming him through the table.
BROCK LESNAR HAS PERISHED FOLKS. Nae comin back fae that. Deid. Their Wrestlemania match will resemble that game Scotland had years ago, where their opponents didnae appear cause they stayed in TGI Fridays tae shuttin the night before, and aw wound up gaun hame wae a Partick Thistle cheerleader. It’ll just be Takers entrance, him reading a eulogy for Brock, then “22-0” appearin on the big screen.
Thats aw she wrote for this weeks RAW review (she? who’s she, I thought I wrote aw this shite, I’ll have nae cunt ghost writing fur me let me tell ye, if ye fun oot who this burd us, tell her I want a word) and what a stoater of a RAW is wis. Even Hogan stuttering through his promo, and the whole Batista/Orton hing worked, and that was by far the weakest part of the show. The rest was fuckin sublime. Big E n Cesaro were marvellous together, DBry and Kane worked a lovely match anaw, and I thought Bray and Reigns wis a lot better than some folk seem tae be saying. Add in the return of the Undertaker and the hilarious wide-eyed stare Heyman wis gien it after Brock wis sent through the table and you have yersell a RAW that garners a solid 9 Tiger Suplexes outta 10.
Remember, wether it’s at home, school, on the plane tae Maga wae the boayz, or in TK Maxx tryin oan Sunglasses. Stay safe. Don’t try this.