TNA In Glesga mate. TNA in Glesga and I’m no talkin about legs n co. Its Glesga, its TNA. Did I mention it wis TNA in Glesga? Hydro. Wrestling. TNA. GLESGAAAAAAAAA.
Fuck knows what’s in store. I’ve reviewed TNA once in about 2 months. It fuckin broke ma spirit tbh, particularly reviewing it in plain english without swearing, but see since its in Glesga, and I’m fae a wee toon just outside Glesga, I’m gonnae make a point to be saying a lot of Glesga things throughout this piece. Early reports on the twitter are suggesting problems with the big screen, and to that I say this….so fuck. Assuming its like most episodes of Impact, there’ll only be about 4 matches anyway, and ye dont need a big screen tae hear Dixie Carter screech at cunts.
Because why the fuck not? He might not have been the most significant guy in wrestling, nor wis he ever a particularly brilliant wrestler, but for the best part of 15 years he was a fuckin workhorse for WWE. A super heavyweight who could be relied upon for at least half decent matches. The man who paved the way for wrestlers wae magnificant man diddies, tae whap them oot and wave them aboot.
Haud oan. Did I just see John Cena run doon the ramp tae open RAW and he DIDNAE have any patter for the camera guy? did that happen? is this real life? Aw christ, I hope they huvnae fell oot or anything. Life can be tough on the road sometimes. Squabbles are commonplace when overfamiliarity leads to contempt. Contempt eventually becomes indifference and all of a sudden the Cena and Stu story is at an end. Infact..is his name even Stu? I cannae mind. Why are we even talking about this guys, there’s wrasslin tae be reviewin.
As much as I respect and admire Cena, the promo he cut here has been redundant for aboot 10 year. Somethin about bein on the road tae wrestlemania, but some folk want tae kick him oot the motor. Ye whit? Unless yer daein incredibly eggy farts in a tin and smashin folk over the heid wae it, I really dunno why folk would want ye out the car John son. Cesaro comes out and ends the monotony wae some patter about Cena not being the only one tae beat Orton last week. Cesaro is so confident of becoming the new champion, that he completely obliterated his first name. Didnae need it anymore. When yer the perfect physical specimen fae heid tae toe, and ye can cut promos in 17 different languages, there is no real reason for any sort of reliance on a first name. Sheamus came oot next and said things. Somethin about Cena and Cesaro lookin mega silly when he kicks their teeth in. Christian comes oot on a micro scooter and gies it some patter about how he’s gonnae knock Sheamus’ snaggletooth oot wae the killswitch and Cenas’s like “dude, micro scooters are so 2004, whats the matter with you?” and Christian’s like “so’s yer fuckin haircut” and he wheeled off intae the night. Orton came oot, wedged his two belts together between the top and middle turnbuckle, coated them in butter and made sweet tender love to them while the rest of the competitors took overly detailed (but vital) notes. Then I stopped making shit up, cause Daniel Bryan came oot next, and when Daniel Bryan speaks…ye listen.
He talks about how aw the other guys have done a lot of talking (and christ, he wisnae wrang…shut the fuck up troops) but the crowd are daein his talking for him. He tells us aw the whole arena will be chanting YES! at Elimination Chamber. Know where else that’ll be happening? Right here ma man. I’ll be staunin oan ma chair, baws oot n swingin them aboot, YES!’in so hard I forget tae breathe. Thats how Kofi Kingston got that concaved chest btw. Sittin in the hoose watchin the 1995 Royal Rumble, and when Max Moon came oot he couldnae stop screamin “MAAAAAAAXY!” and eventually his chest just gies up bein of a normal human shape. Know whit else? Kane came oot and announced Cesaro vs Cena for later and Christian vs Daniel Bryan, which would be taking place…RIGHT NOW!
So why do we love wrestling? when it comes down to it, its appeal lies on two levels. The first one is the competitive element. Everyone has their favourites, and they want them tae win at all costs. They break their wee hearts when they don’t. It’s an injustice! CM Punk should be the World Heavyweight European Hardcore Champion, forever and ever. Daniel Bryan should share the rest of the belts wae Cesaro, and Big E can keep the IC strap. PUSH DREW MCINTYRE! Aw that shite. We have our favourites and we support them like they’re members of our own family. Like they still suckle on the teet. In reality? its all make believe. Its no more spontaneous than a last minute script change on a sitcom. There’s plenty of improv of course. During matches, promos and anything CM Punk ever does. But its aw rigged. We’re all being played and we know it.
So where’s the appeal if we all know its a work? for me the second level is the storytelling. For me there is nothing more captivating than watching people who are the very best at what they do, telling us a wee story with nothing more than a set of wrestling moves and a particular way of putting them together at their disposal. Like all good stories, the ending has to be fulfilling though. If it doesn’t bring closure, that’s when unrest starts. When Cena takes someones finisher aff the top of the Empire State Building, and still kicks out at 2, that’s when cunts start throwing shit, and making incredibly embarrassing youtube vidoes of themselves burning an effigy of Randy Orton, drying their tears wae an auld Nexus t-shirt. Wondering where it all went wrang. It’s all Triple Hs fault. This company will always be corrupt as long as it’s the house McMahon built. Jack Tunney did it!
All these wee cliches wee aw churn out to make ourselves feel better for becoming too invested in a story.
Betty White was a guest on RAW this week, and as much as a respect how much life she still has in her at 92, my overriding thought throughout was “whit?”
She comes oot, arm n arm wae Big Show, and its revealed that they’re dating, and Betty is expecting tae give birth tae a foot any day now. Trips n Steph interrupt this vile shit, tae show off just how fuckin shapely Stephs lookin these days, and tae gie the expectant mother a wee cuddle. Big Show shoots them heavy growlers, cause his role in this wee melodrama is that of the protector. Guarding his spawn, and his maiden in the face of danger. Erroneously Triple H n Steph think being nice tae Betty White gies them permission tae say words, and have me listen tae them. Triple H is aw “we said we’d CONSIDER Daniel Bryan to be the face of the company if he could beat Orton, no that he wid be for sure” and a man in the crowd is aw “I feel misled!” Me tae man in the crowd, me tae, and much respect tae ye for conveying yer feelings in a controlled manner.
Orton interrupts them by sliding down tae the ring on a slipstream of the “Arabian Beauty” body mist that gies him that rapey shimmer. Stephanie urges Randall tae get the fuck outta there, and Randy urges her to remain calm. He wisnae gonnae handcuff her husband tae the ropes, and gie her a sly winch this time. It wisnae good. I dont care for his words. Disnae matter if he shouts them, whispers them, or dictates the fuckin things tae Morgan Freeman. They’re shite words. He wants tae be on cereal boxes and billboards. Daniel Bryan chants ring out throughout. Nae…cunt….gies….a….fuck.
Yer Davie Curren wrote last weeks RAW review as a “heel” so I dunno whit that makes me really. I’ve delivered too many impormptu brainbusters tae ma poor wee dug to ever qualify as a face. So I dunno. I’ll go wae nae angle ataw eh? Just yer usual slangy, sweary, tangent based review of a wrestling show. Infact naw. I’ll do it in the buff. I’m the naked reviewer. Infact nah…that cannae work either, I use a laptop so I cannae succumb tae burny baw syndrome for the sake of having an angle tae review wrestling shows from. Eh…………….I’VE GOT IT!
What better way tae start a Square Go than with an act of betrayal? After all, its been the fuelling factor behind many a Square Go over the years. Jilted lovers knockin lumps ootae their exes new partner. Former friends torn apart over business deals gone wrong (maybe a speaking tour involving celebrity guests? ;)) Supposed allies turning your back on your army, and adopting the colours of another….