CM Punk? Who gies a fuck?

So its Chicago the night, and oor Punk is rumoured to be returning. I’d like tae provide ye some reasons regarding why I don’t really give a fuck. I know eh? Yer punk daft Marty! First blog on this fuckin website wis dedicated tae the man and his initial departure from WWE, but mon and I’ll tell ye why I dont gie a fuck. Mon. It’ll be a laugh. Take a walk wae me.

Firstly, I don’t really gie a fuck because I believe it’s been a work from the start. The only reason it’s been leaked ataw is tae quell the patter about the crowd “hi-jacking” the show. Just tell the daft cunts their hero’s gonnae be there and they’ll chuck aw their principles oot the windae, put their “No Punk? No Party” signs away, and focus aw their energies on getting a hearty “Colt Cabana/It’s Yersel” chant on the go. He was always coming back. Its Mania season ffs, and for all his potential complaints about how he’s been booked for the past year, the fact is, he worked with the fuckin Undertaker at last years Mania, and worked a fantastic angle with the Paul Bearer heat, not to mention the match itself being Takers best since WM26, and imo marginally better than his WM25 effort against HBK.
His angle with Lesnar was another stoater, and led to last years MOTY imo, and whilst it was weak on the wrestling side, the angle with Rybaxel was stellar in terms of his promos with Heyman. Then we had the wee angle with the Wyatts and Shield which led tae some decent stuff. Particularly Punk and Bryan teaming tae toe the beards aff Rowan and Harpers coupons at Survivor Series. So really, what’s he done that’s been total shite? nothing. The only true gripe he could have is not being included in the title picture for months, but with the way things have worked out with Daniel Bryan, it would have made nae sense whatsoever to include Punk as a face in that equation.

So that leads me to the main reason I think it wis a work. They want tae turn Punk heel. Punk has always preferred being a heel, and as much as I love his shit as a crowd pleasing face, wae a bit of an arseholey edge, his best work has always been as a heel. The Straight Edge Society was one of the few reasons tae watch WWE when it was in full flow, and even going as far back as his feud wae Jeff Hardy for the WH Title, he drew some excellent heat as a self-righteous wank. So why keep him as a slightly irrelevant face? For me they have three potentially scintillating feuds they could put him into as an arsehole heel…

First and most obviously, against Daniel Bryan. With Bryan as over as he is, the possibilities for Punk here are endless, particularly if he costs Daniel Bryan the title at any point. That’s the kind of roastin hoat, emotionally driven heat that will rev Punks engine tae fuck. I honestly think we’d see one of the most memorable and highly charged feuds in WWE history, and thats why I still cross my fingers and pray tae every god/deity/demon that I can think of that he’s returning to set up a Mania match between himself and Bryan. The other two feuds I could see him thriving in as a heel are against Ziggler and Cesaro. The Ziggler one looks unlikely given Zigglers ridiculously shite position with the company at the moment, but imagine they played them off against each other with Ziggler gien it patter about how Punk spat the dummy and walked out cause of shite booking, when Zigglers last significant angle involved him being battered err the heid wae various instruments aff Damien Sandow. No been able tae bring mysell tae watch it either, but I hear he was used as prick bait for Batista on Smackdown anaw. Squashed aff fuckin Batista eh Punk? and you think YOU got problems ma man?
The last yin would have to be a wee bit down the line, but heel Punk vs face Cesaro could be the fued Cesaro needs to really elevate him tae the big leagues. I have a feeling this wee push he’s on the right end of at the moment, isnae gonnae last long. A full face turn and a few classics wae CM Punk? we’ve got ourselves the man tae Main Event Wrestlemania for the next 70 years. Easily. Look at the shape Cesaro’s in ffs, dae any of yees honestly think he’s dyin before he hits 150? yer naive so yees urr. Its only taken Cesaro this long tae make it in the WWE cause he spent the first 30 years of life his life focussing aw his energies on winning every single medal at every Summer and Winter Olympics in that time period. See the Olympics we aw watch? it’s no the real wans mate. They had tae set that up cause everycunt got sick of Cesaro winnin everythin. Even other Swiss cunts got annoyed and stopped sittin wae him in the athletes canteen. Jealously is a terrible thing eh? None of Cesaros medal wins are officially recognised cause of anti Adonis bias though, so dinnae bother googling this shit or anythin eh.

That leads me tae my next (and probably final) reason as to why I don’t gie a fuck. WWE’s been excellent lately. If ye look past the constant Punk patter, folk moaning about how the potential Mania card looks a bit shite, and of course my main personal gripe, the fuckin Usos not having the fuckin tag belts, fur fuck sake. Fuckin…sorry, I’m away again there, but that gies me aw the rage so it does. I don’t gie a fuck if it’s maybe being set up so they can take the belts at Mania, cause naebdy will ever remember it happening at Mania neer they wont. It’ll get lost in the mire. I want it tae happen the night. Main event. And I want The Outlaws tae have 6 additional tag partners anaw, just tae make the achievement even more iconic. Those tag parters should be Lex Luger in his prime, The Undertaker, Juventud Guerrera, Fit Finlay, 1993 Razor Ramon (i’m no talkin Early 90s Ramon btw, I mean 93 in particular, when his Razors had an extra bitta edge, and he spent most of his time chasing the 1-2-3 kid aboot, in his more nimble, pre burst arse days) and King Kong Bundy. Fuckin tangents eh. Bane of my existence so they urr, but the point im trying to make is that I’ve barely noticed Punk’s been gone in all honesty. WWE have upped their game in that respect, and if ye ingore everything Batista is within 1000 feet of, things are decent. Cesaro’s gettin a push. Big E is back tae his diddy bouncing, belly-tae-bellyin best and The Shield vs Wyatts angle is breathtaking. So really, has anycunt missed Punk? Besides wanky crowds doing their best to draw attention away from the current in-ring product of course. Has anyone really gied two shites? he had nae heat or nae real direction after the Rumble anyway, besides a potential angle with Kane, so being taken off TV has done him no harm whatosever.

There’s also a growing sense of apathy from those who buy his walkout as being legit. Folk are tired of his crybaby shite, so that’ll make the heel turn easier tae sell. If he was tae turn heel in Chicago? Suffering christ. More like Chi-WAHHHH-go..amiright? (cause cunts will be greetin n that…get it?)

So thats’ why I don’t really care about Punks return, but also why I’m incredibly excited about it at the same time and if ye’ve got a problem wae the contradictory statement, well I don’t gie a fuck about that either, but I am sorry.

Stock CM Punk drawing for the outro……


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