“Jessie, get down from that table AT ONCE!”
“But why Mr White? I’m havin fun up here bitch!”
“Because we have to cook”
That’s aw it would have taken. A few words of wisdom fae his former teacher, current mentor, and all round good guy Mr Walter White, and we stop this madness in its tracks. An epidemic we havent seen the like of since cunts kept getting hypnotised by Fandango showin up n daein a wee jig on the stage. The era of the table standers has begun, and it’s too real for me. I still cannae quite get a grasp why someone standing on the announce table gesticulating in your direction is startling enough for ye tae catch a 3 count, but it happened on Monday wae Aaron Paul, and it happened again here and I’ll no lie tae yees troops, I am not amused.
Dolph Ziggler vs Christian
It all started so well anaw. Wee bitta heel Christian vs face Dolph. We get a wee social media glimpse before this of the cut Sheamus suffered on his arm after Christian leathered him wae the arse end of a Bic pen. Sheamus has a far off look in his eyes anaw. As if he’s been told by a professional photographer to look ‘lamentable” If that wis indeed the case, then fair play Sheamy ma man. Ye pulled it off. Del Rio wis on commentary anaw, keep that in mind for future reference n that.
Match wis lovely, it’s a shame it had an unfortunate end, but before it did we have 10 elbow drops fae Dolph. Dolph gettin catapulted intae some steps, and sellin it like a scud missile had ripped through his insides. Some jabs and some windpipe stampin fae sour puss Christian. Ziggler went for yon ZigZag, but Christian wis huvin nane of it so he ate an elevated DDT instead. I think Dolph should call that DDT he does “The Ziggle Wiggle DDT Extraordinaire” and I think they should make Jerry Lawler say it. A lot. Then Del Rio stood on the fuckin table, tellt us some Russian fitbaw scores in Spanish, and that acted as a sufficient enough distraction for Christian tae hit the kill switch n Dolph tae catch another loss. Sake.
TABLE STANDING IS NO JOKE PEOPLE. IT WILL HAPPEN, IT IS REAL, AND IT WILL LEAD TO YER FAVOURITE WRESTLERS GETTIN PUMPED ON A WEEKLY BASIS. PLEASE HELP RAISE AWARENESS BY PUTTING THIS BANNER OF TEDDY LONG URGING YOU TO NOT TRY ANNOUNCE TABLE STANDING AT HOME, SCHOOL, OR ANYWHERE, ON ALL YOOR SOCIAL MEDIA PROFILES.
Sheamus comes doon. I assume tae try n iron out this table standing nonsense, but instead he batters Christian. Christian ducks a Brogue Kick and gets outta dodge. Probably straight tae some kinda Soup Kitchen for some impromptu volunteering cause he’s still the nicest man that’s ever lived. Does Canada proud every day so he does.
David Bautista and the ballad of the skinny jeans that could (but shouldnae have)
Fuck sake Dave. Smackdown used tae be sacred. Smackdown used tae be my happy place. Smackdown used tae be….home. Now whit it is? nothing. I need tae endure the same shite I dae on RAW. I need tae endure you, and yer baw huggin denims, Hi-Tech gutties and delusions of granduer. I need tae endure you, and yer repetitive, unconvincing promos. I need tae endure you and yer tattoos which resemble a collage of every lower back tattoo ever seen on any pornstar. I need tae endure you asking where all the men are, when ye’ve got an ankle tattoo that’s just the Greek word for “serenity”. I cannae believe Daniel Bryan wis dragged oot tae endure this shite face tae face, the poor cunt. He couldnae help but cringe as Batista urges him tae buy a ticket for Wrestlemania. Knowing full well that as an employee of the company, no matter what his standing may be, he would be entitled to some complimentary tickets for the event. DBry queries wether the skinny jeans The Animal had on were cutting off the circulation tae his brain, but thats making the silly assumption that the cunt had a brain tae begin with. DBry slags his vest anaw, and remarks that “wearing sunglasses indoors is for beauty queens and men with raisin balls” and at that point big Dave fuckin snapped! The Animal is unleashed! only tae see DBry unleash a some jabs, before escorting him out the ring via a dropkick. Bawheid had hauners though, as corporate Kane comes doon for a scrap. Whit fine nick Kane’s in btw eh. Gettin that Fergal Devitt money wae his finely chiselled chest. Tae cut a long story short, Big Show made the save and Vickie Guerrero emerged tae make a tag match for the main event. Teddy, ye got anythin tae say about that mate?
Rybaxel vs THE REIGNING WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS …JIMMY…AND JEY..THE UUUUUUUSOS
I have an important question before we begin chewin the fat about this match.
When they say Uce…do you say Oh?
I dunno what happened. I cannae quite put my finger on the moment where The Usos became my guys, but its a remarkable thing. In an era where it’s quite easy for adult viewers tae build up nothing but negativity and derision towards WWE, and its almost antagonistic booking strategy, I found a happy place. No the same kinda happy place I go tae when I watch yer Daniel Bryans, Dean Ambroses, Dolph Zigglers n Bray Wyatts at work. No an appreciation for the craft, I’m talkin aboot when I see me some Usos, and especially when I see my boays wae some belts, my heart sings a merry tune. I dae appreciate what they do in that ring btw, but there’s somethin about the cunts that turns me intae a cheerleader for them. That boundless energy and palpable love for what they do fills me wae aw the joys. This is us locked in for life anaw. Even if they’re exposed as cunts that write Gilmore Girls fan fiction or suhin (If that happened I’d probably like them mare tbh) I’ll never not be a supporter of the Usos. We had some sumptuous double Superkickin fae ma boays, yer usual dose of Air Uso, which prompted JBL hilariously tellin Micheal Cole “WE GOT USOS FLYIN EVERYWHERE MAGGLE!” and we had a big splash fae Jimmy (or Jey 😉 ) sealin the fuckin deal. Champs catch the W. Of course.
Eva Marie and Natalya vs Tamina and AJ
True story this. My pal wis at mine towards the end of last year right. A brief visit. We gets tae talkin about current wrasslin, and the current Divas division. And he asks me whit I think of Eva Marie…
“Howlin mate. That burd’s crawlin”
“Just got that look aboot her mate. Looks like shes got scabies aw up her inner thigh. Syphilis is her default setting mate”
“Fuck up man, shes a fuckin 10”
“Aye, a 10 on a scale of 1 tae 10 as tae how likely ye are tae get Herpes fae being within 100 feet of her”
So he stood up, calmly walked oot my front door and that wis him away. So enraged by my insistence that Eva Marie could smuggle bowlin balls up her lassie parts, he couldnae stand tae look at ma bearded coupon anymore. TRUTH HURTS HUH BROTHER!
Aw aye, and Natty rolled through a Black Widdow attempt tae make AJ tap tae the Sharpshooter. Such a beautiful sight. Perfectly executed Sharpshooter and two of gods most perfectly crafted creatures. God bless us.
Then a promo so beautiful, I could have melted it doon and drank it as a delicious soup
Well this was a fuckin delight. I cannae accurately explain tae ye how much appreciation I have for the work of Dean Ambrose without it turning intae a 10,000 word essay, wae detailed illustrations, so I’ll just gie ye a wee rundown on the promo. Its referred tae as a Shield summit, so ye know summit wild is about tae go down! (christ…that wis awful, I’m so so sorry) Ambrose urges Seth Rollins tae drag his narra’ ass out there and explain his actions on RAW. The Shields music hits and of course everyone’s lookin up intae the crowd tae see which section he’d emerge from, ONLY FOR SETH TAE CHUCK A CURVEBALL AT US AND COME STOATIN DOON THE AISLE.
He attempts tae justify leaving his brothers in the lurch during Mondays war by saying the war has been raging within The Shield for a while. Ambrose responds tae this with an elegant but blunt “so fuck”
Seth goes on tae explain that this is the first time Reigns and Ambrose have been on the same page for a while, and The Shield should go back tae doing whit they do best, and that’s kickin cunts in the baws when they’re no lookin. Ambrose gets a wide eyed look on his coupon as if tae say “that all you got brah?” before shoving Seth tae the ground. Big Reigns is having none of that dissent on his watch, n he sends Ambrose fleein anaw.
Seth aims a big auld open hand slap tae Deans chops for his troubles, and says he feels a lot better. He remarks that Ambrose might have somethin tae get off his chest anaw, and he delivers retribution in the form of a right haun tae the jaw.
Now that we’ve got that out our systems boys, we ready tae let bygones by bygones?
Seth puts his haun in. Reignsy looks sceptical at first, but follows suit, and after some pacing aboot the ring, Ambrose pulled oot his phone and BBM’d “I still hate you” tae Rollins, before putting his hand in anaw. The Shield remain united, but Dean Ambrose is NOT AMUSED at Seth Rollins. Lovely wee segment so it wis. Ambrose is the future mate. If you do not agree with this way of thinking then I respect yer opinion, and yer right tae have it, but yer also wrong and I hate ye. Aint that right Teddy?
Uh-oh! hi-jinks. Puttin a guy wae a big gash on his arm in a match wae a guy who uses a cross-armbreaker as his finish? I’m gonnae go ahead and predict that Berts gonnae focus on the damaged arm like the dastardly Mexican bastard that he is. I cannae be bothered re-watching this so I’ll gie ye whit I remember fae watchin it live eh. Sheamus selling a superkick on the apron like a fuckin champ. Proper Ziggleresque selling fae the big cunt. Irish Curse Backbreakers, various armbars fae Del Rio, I dont even remember this happenin but I’m sure that fuckin chest beating spot occurred….eh…..whit else. Sheamus fought oot the Cross Armbreaker by lifting Del Rio up wae one arm and swingin uhm aboot. I’m sure Sheamus won wae a Brogue outta nowhere anaw, but I will check n see if thats right, gies a wee minute eh…….yep…confirmed. Aye it wis a crackin wee match. I’m really enjoying Sheamus since he came back. Wrasslin wise he’s been excellent. It almost bothers me a wee bit that I dont really gie a fuck.
Wyatts on the titantron. Harper gets some time first, and the more he speaks the more I like it. Bray cuts in and lets us aw know the streets raised him. The struggle was his teacher. He disnae want tae save John Cena, he just wants tae stand back, and warm his hands on the FIRE that rages around Mr Cena when it all burns tae the ground. Gid stuff as per Bray ma man. I get the feeling yer ready tae tear aff Cenas limbs n use them tae play a haunting wee tune on the steel drums any day now.
Daniel Bryan and The Big Show vs Kane and (Dis)Abel(d)
Sorry. I just dont fuckin care. I wish I did, but it involves Batista in a wrestling match, so tae save mysell the frustration of being frustrated, I’m no watchin it again. I didnae even really pay a great deal of attention the first time, because like I said before…I dont gie a fuck. I must sound like a broken record eh, but i’ll try n explain better as tae why I dont gie a fuck. here’s ma reasons.
1. Fuck Batista
2. Get tae FUCK Batista.
3. Fuck sake Batista.
I skipped tae the end cause I feel duty bound tae at least gie ye that, and it wisnae bad. Kane catches DBry comin aff the top rope. Goes for the chokeslam , but DBry wriggles oot and goes for the rollup. Kane resists, hauds on tae the rope and Show knocks him clean oot. Games a bogey.
Too much Batista. Faaar too much. Nice tae see the Usos wae some belts, but overall this Smackdown wis missin a lot of the good stuff I crave fae it, so I’m gonnae gie it 5.75 leg lariats oota 10. Cause fuckin…..BATISTA.
Whit did you make of it Teddy ma man?