“WE GOT US SOME ANNOUNCEMENTS JACK!”
“It’s Martin…ma name’s Martin”
“Alright brother, we got us a memorial rope trophy royal brother. 30 humans enter a bull pen, and the last man standing turns into Andre The Giant brother, yeah brother Jack”
“Whit you even on aboot?
“I dunno, I blacked out about 10 year ago and everything since has been confusion Jack!”
“Many times dae I huv tae tell ye, ma name’s Martin”
“Yeah brother. Like I told that chick I slayed in that porno movie I was in, if you not Jackin, then you aint my brother Jack! Brother Jack Jack brother, Hulkamaniacs”
“Mate you’re away wae it”
Worst nightmare innit. Like comin in fae school wan day tae see yer da sittin in the scuddy fae the waist doon, feedin an imaginary pigeon and tellin ye how he disnae want tae go back tae nursery cause the teacher makes uhm eat an apple at lunchtime and he thinks apples are icky. Yer former hero, up there haverin like a man possessed. It made more sense than his promo a few weeks back, but thats only cause he wisnae allowed tae talk for long before Cena came oot, placed his index finger on Hogans lips and said “be still sweet prince….be still” The point in him being there wis tae announce a 30 man over the top rope battle royal for The Andre The Giant Memorial Trophy. All of a sudden Curt Hawkins stirs from his usual 3 hour RAW nap, and earnestly chaps on Vince Mcmahons door, only tae realise that Vince McMahon isnae there, and the door he’s chappin is the door for his ain microwave, cause of course, Curt Hawkins is in the hoose. Curt Hawkins disnae go on tour wae the boys cause Curt Hawkins has been assumed dead for the best part of 3 years. Curt Hawkins isnae dead but guys. He’s just in the hoose. I just tellt ye that. Focus up.
Anyway, Cena says some hings, and says he wants in on this Battle Royal, so Bray Wyatt comes oot tae gie this whole thing a bit of meaning. He regurgitates Hogans eat yer prayers patter, and Cenas Hustle Loyal n Respect shite, before telling them tae stop fuckin lying. He’s gonnae kill Cenas legacy. The whole thing is smells like a changing of the guard. A look intae the future wae Bray cutting another eerie, original promo and Cena hittin back wae pure fuckin shite. I like John Cena btw. I appreciate whit he does in that ring, and his promos of late have been relevant and almost always decent, so it wis truly disheartening tae see him return tae his auld ways. Funny isnae yer thing John. Ye urnae a funny guy. Intense? sure. Gid at liftin hings? you know it brother. World renound shagger? thats Cena aw err the back…but funny aint yer strong suit pal. Funny isnae what makes John Cena that cash money. He challenges Bray tae a match at Mania and Bray tells him tae take this shit more seriously. Its always fun and games with you John. Its always lies. nae answer fae Bray yet, but it wis time for Erick Rowan vs John Cena and that wis about as good as it sounds.
Erick Rowan vs John Cena
I wish big Rowan wis better, but unless yer limit him tae wee spots in tag matches and that beauty of a fallaway slam he does, he cannae really carry a match. As good as Cena is, neither can he. He’s always needed his opponent tae be better than him tae make his matches memorable and Rowan isnae that guy. Cena whispers the next spot in Rowans here, but he’s no actually daein that. He’s actually askin him “why arent you Luke Harper?” We dae get that fallaway slam and a nice pumphandle backbreaker fae Rowan as he bossed most of this match, but Cena reverses a powerslam attempt intae a rollup for the win and we aw breathe a sigh of relief that this shit didnae go on much longer.
The Wyatts tease a Cena/Hogan beatdown, but they take thersells up the road instead. So Hogan does the ear cupping thing. Even that’s shite noo. Nothing’s the same Hulkster. It aw feels different mate. I’ve no even sen yer porno, but I still feel like a guy thats seen yer baws for some reason. It isnae a nice feeling mate. Looking intae the eyes of yer former hero and seeing his baws shouldnae be something any man has tae face.
The Usos vs Rybaxel
Usos entrance + Tag Belts is auld news mate. I seen it on Smackdown. The novelty’s wore aff. Nae way ye could top it either, not a chance no unless…wait, whit? They’ve got Green n White facepaint on? are ye tellin me Rikishi’s a Celtic man right now? Fuckin awww yasssss. Right I’m back wae it boayzies, when yous say UCE! I’ve got ye covered wae an OH! nae bother. Anytime troops. The match wis decent, but my favourite thing about the whole experience wis listening tae The Road Doggs excuses for The Outlaws droppin the tag belts, as him n Billy were on guest commentary. They ranged fae “I wis up late the night before pricing caravans wae Bull Buchanan” tae “I had a sare toe! Billy had a sare toe! we were up aw night kickin Beavers in the teeth Michael! fuck sake” So aye, Jimmy Uso chopped Ryback tae fuck, n leathered Axels jaw anaw. Classic Uso. Jey gets in a sends Axel tae the canvas wae a samoan drop, before hittin him wae the stinkface and sendin Ryback oot the ring wae a Superkick. Axel caught a Superkick, and then WE HAD US A FLYIN USO! as he tagged his brerr in whilst in mid air, and ma man Jimmy or Jey hit the big splash aff the top rope for the win.
Road Dogg signs aff by tellin Micheal Cole he’s no happy wae his commentary at all. I’ve been writing the very same hing intae a notepad every day for the past 15 year, before ripping the pages oot n eatin them. Naebdy ever listens Roadie mate. He’s never gaun away.
Kane has a chat wae The Shield boayz backstage. Dean Ambrose spends the whole promo lookin at him like he’s reprehensible scum, before askin whit hes on aboot. Dean Ambrose is the fuckin king of facial expressions, and co-incidentally, the king of my heart. Kane tells them tae stop airing their dirty laundy out in public, and tells Rollins and Reigns tae fix up, look sharp and batter the Rhodes boays later oan. He slags them about losing tae The Shield and they correctly remind him that Daniel Bryan is currently pinning him at a rate of about once every three days. Kane runs away greetin, and straight intae the moist embrace of Brad Maddox, who he found in the boiler room hingin by the ankles, chuggin himsell wae two soup spoons. An impressive feat, but surely not PG?
Jack Swagger vs Big E
I get that they’re daein this tae build a potential Real American feud, but fuckin stop teasing really gid matches and making them short as fuck eh. This got 5 minutes, but 5 aint enough man. I need at least 10. Swagger tells Cesaro tae keep his nose oot this time, and Cesaro seems happy tae oblige. Big E slings Swagger tae the corner and batters a shoulder intae his gut, before gettin up top and delivering a few corner jabs. Big E hits a belly tae belly, followed by a big a big splash attempt, but Swagger stopped that in its tracks wae a chop block. Big E stumbles tae the middle rope, clearly hinkin Swagger suddenly morphed intae Rey Mysterio or somethin, and Zeb encourages Cesaro tae get involved. Cesaro rightly hings back because Swagger tellt him tae, and also cause he thinks Big Es a right cute hing and widnae tae a thing tae harm that marvellous melt of his. Swagger stoats over and gies Cesaro jip for no helpin oot, even though he tellt him no tae. Whit is the meaning of this madness? the meaning is Big E rollin the glaikit lookin cunt up and The Real Americans huvin another domesitc as a result.
Cesaro’s fuckin GUTTIN HIMSELL mate, and Swagger foolishly gets up in his face. Fingers get pointed, and Zebs had a fuckin ‘nough. His nerves cannae take this! Zeb Colter’s a genius mate. Best manager in WWE by a fuckin mile, cause he makes his charges BETTER. Paul Heyman is a promo genius, but he’s always been aboot Paul Heyman. If ye put him wae someone that isnae an established star, he’s always gonnae overshadow them. Zeb compliments Swagger and Cesaro perfectly, and I am most certainly intae this whole angle. A wee part of me is intae them splittin anaw, even though I like them as a team, cause I think that feud wid throw up some baw tinglin matches. Aye gies it. Real Americans knockin 7 shades oot each other at Mania. I’m thirsty fur it.
DONG! Its Taker time! I dunno if its a scheduling thing or whit, but tae have Taker on this week, and Brock on last week made nae sense tae me. As good as Heyman is at keepin things tickin over while Brock’s lyin up in his mansion bawdeep in Sable, ye need Brock and Taker face tae face more often if this shit is gonnae catch some real heat. The reason Punk and Taker had heat was cause Punk wis oot there sellin it every week. Ripping the pish oot the recently deceased Paul Bearer and being the heel that yer maw wishes she could fellate. Lawler gies it patter about Brock Lesnar never having been in the ring with The Undertaker, and Cole has tae hastily add “at Wrestlemania” fur him, cause Taker and Brock have wrestled each other aboot a gazillion fuckin times. This fuckin cunt in his pastille coloured jammies, needs tae just not talk. Ever again. Unless we’re trying tae decide if a wee bitta jailbait is actually legal or no, you have nae business commentin on anything these days Jerry ma man. Heyman comes oot before Taker can even say anything, and he tells Taker that a bunch of cunts huvnae managed tae make it past a streak of 3 or 4 wins at Mania, but he has 21. I didnae get the point in it tbh. It just seemed like it wis filler. He urges Taker not tae face Lesnar at Mania, cause people need somethin tae worship and they worship the streak. Taker hits back wae some insipid shite about Lesnar fearing the unknown. Whole thing wis a waste of a Taker appearance if ye ask me. Widda been better huvin him in a wee backstage segment wae Kane askin the big bastard whit the fuck he’s playin at. “A fuckin suit brah? really? YOU USED TO BE A MONSTER!”
The Rhodezies vs Rollins and Big Reignsy
Match of the night by a country mile, but yer left wondering whit the fuck they’re daein with aw these cunts in terms of Mania plans. Cody vs Goldy could have been a fuckin brilliant mid card match, but with every passing week the chance of injecting some genuine heat intae them splitting up diminishes. The Shield seem more united than ever anaw, so wae the quality of this match, ye have tae be thinkin that they’re considering sending these two teams right back intae the Tag Title hunt. Sack the Mania plans for noo but, Cody draps Rollins on his belly with a mad reverse suplex type thing. Goldy gets in and catches a stiff elbow tae the windpipe, before his brerr gets back in and gets his coupon drapped on the middle turnbuckle by Rollins. Rollins is daft for drappin cunts face first on some turnbuckles eh? always has been, always will be. Auld habits die hard. Some stinging lariats and peach of a spinebuster fae Goldy on Reigns, before taking Rollins and Reigns oot wae a belt of a crossbody. Sends baith of them tae the outside next, so him and his wee brerr can go AIR RHODEZIE! as they take out a Shield member each. Fuckin high octane shit this is. Needin shot in the erse wae a tranq dart so it wis. TOO MUCH ACTIVITY, I CANT KEEP UP, I’M JUST ONE MAN. HAUNERS!
Goldy rolls towards the bottom rope and as much as I love that apron dropkick Reigns does, the set ups for it are startin tae bug me in the same way that the setups for the 619 dae. Cunts just kinda linger on the bottom rope for nae reason. Its a gid spot, but he’s gaun a bit Orton wae it. Save it for a special occasion Roman ma man. Some other gid shit happens, before we get a beautiful wee exchange between Cody and Rollins. Cody lands on his feet after a backdrop attempt, and he takes Reigns aff the apron wae a sly disaster kick, before returning tae moonsault oor Seth. Hit him wae a suplex type thing after that, cept he folded Rollins in hauf or suhin. It wis gid, but I dunno how tae explain it. I’m no very bright mate. I failed my cycling proficiency in P7 so thats about aw ye need tae know about the haufwit writing this shite. Reigns separates the Gold fae the Dust wae a delightful spear, before Cody goes for the disaster kick oan Rollins but Rollins caught it and chucked him neck first intae the tap turnbuckle. Tellt ye eh? this cunt cannae get enough of launching Rhodezies intae turnbuckles. Follows that up wae the Black Out and that’s that.
Smasher of a match, and it gies me heart peace tae see ma Shieldzies united. I’d be a happy man if they never split The Shield but continue tae tease it anyway. If I can tune intae RAW in 10 years time, and see Seth Rollins gien Dean Ambrose a kinda whiny speech about about gettin on the same page, then I’ll be a happy 35 year auld. Apart fae being 35. I dont imagine that’ll bring much happiness ataw. My knees seize up the noo as it is, and I’d lose ma heid if it wisnae screwed oan (and fuckin massive)(but ye know whit they say eh? big heid = big…hmhmmm…thats right….hats)(Big hats)
The Smellas vs Tamina and AJ
I feel like I’m always skimming over the divas matches these days, but in my defence, they’re always fuckin pish. Always half arsed tag matches, or short as fuck singles yins and like my nemesis Davie “the pube braider” Curren pointed out tae me not long ago, ye could go back tae any RAW or Smackdown over the past 5 or 6 months and ye’d find the same sort of Divas match happenin every fuckin time. Nae feuds building, nae heat between any cunt, just seemingly trying tae keep the Total Divas bints in the spotlight as much as possible as the expense of daein good wrasslin things. Its a travesty. Know whit else is a travesty? Natalya Neidhardt not taking my hand in marriage. She wis on commentary here, and despite me sittin right next tae the tele n sniffin real hard, I didnae get the sniff of her neck I’ve always craved. I bet it smells like Elderberries. Also Nikki pinned AJ and that can get aw the way tae fuck.
Renee Young talkin tae an exceedingly loud LL Cool J in the crowd. Apparently he has a TV show, or a song, or suhin. I dunno.
Then we Occupied RAW
When this segment started I wis fuckin bored of it aw tbh. I love Daniel Bryan mare than I love puttin Maple Syrup on ma lifesize Fergal Devitt cutoot and lickin it aff, but I’m fuckin bored of seein him huvin tae beg a man who is mare beak than face for a match at Wrestlemania that would probably be shite anyway. Then it aw changed. It aw got….amazin. Daniel Bryan fills the ring fulla people and refuses tae leave tae he can have a wee word wae oor Trips. He tells them he’ll never back down, and he’s gonnae fuckin fight. There’ll be nae apology fae oor DBry either. So ye can stick that notion right up yer hole. The beak and his burd eventually emerge cause occupying RAW means that RAW fuckin stops. And if RAW stops, the money stops. If the money stops, that millimetre the plastic surgeons have nee taking aff Hunters beak on a monthly basis stops anaw.
Daniel Bryan says he’s gonnae fill this whole place wae the YES! movement, and initially im thinkin its some kinda cheeky ejaculation reference. DBry says he’s no leaving tae he gets a match wae Trips confirmed, signed, sealed and fuckin delivered. Trips tells them aw tae bolt, but they’re lit that “nutttttt” so Triple H shouts for security. Must have been at least 50-60 folk oot there and security consisted of a couple of 8-Ball n Skull lookin cunts. Two middle aged baldy cunts. Not a fuckin hope of clearin that oot unless yer packin a flamethrower boays. This wee standoff goes on for a while, wae trips insisting “I WILL NOT FACE YOU AT WRESTLEMANIA DANIEL, I’M THE KING OF KINGS, YOU’RE A B-PLUS PLAYER AND YOU SUCK AT SCRABBLE, MY NOSE IS A FUCKIN SKI SLOPE” I dunno whit the cunt wis on about, but DBry tells him they own the ring. They own it aw, they own the night and yer shows no gaun forward unless ye gie DBry whit he wants. Trips insists this ends now and call for the next match, and oot comes…wait.. is that…
Its fuckin Damien Sandow! where ye been man man? I’ve fair missed ye brother, how ye keepin? Nae cunt moves for the big beautiful bastard but and he quietly excuses himself before being shouted at by Trips. Fuckin travesty that they’ve got fuck all for Sandow btw. Utter shite. Steph screeches aboot owning cunts, and and trips tells her tae simmer. Trips finally gies in and gies DBry his match, but with the promise that he’s actually gonnae murder DBry in the process. Pedigree…1,2,3…guillotine, heid aff. Deid. Trips goes on about trying tae protect DBry, and says he’s even protected him at Summerslam when he Pedigree’d him and left him at Ortons mercy. BUT THAT DON MEKK NO SENSE HUNTA!
Aye awrite Teddy, I dont recall askin for yer input mate. Your ma Smackdown guy, keep fuckin ootae this. DBry says he’s no fuckin happy wae that but. Nae way. After he knocks the beak aff Trips daft coupon, he wants put in the WWE World Heavyweight Title match at Mania anaw, and he gets his wish, despite Trips initially lookin like he wis gonnae shit in his hauns a fling it on the YES! Movement when DBry first suggested it. Just you calm it Hunter. Apparently this aw ends at Mania. Aye yer spot on Tripsy baby, it ends in fuckin TRIUMPH! After month after month of heartache, near misses and RKOs outta naeplace, the shiny belts are finally gonnae be Dannys for keeps. Any other outcome and we burn this muhfucka to the ground!
Christian vs Sheamus (Memphis Street Fight)
Hi guys. I’m really sorry. I wish I cared. I’ve tried my darndest. I like ye both so I dae. I think this feud in theory is a smashin idea, but my problems wae it are mainly based on not caring. Ataw. No even a toaty bit. I think if Sheamus wis the heel I’d have mare time for it, but trying tae sell me on Christian bein a heel just isnae flyin. Its no for real. He goes all inclusive at Sandals Jamaica, but gies aw the complimentary Rum he gets tae homeless folk. I mean they’d rather huv a piece n Jam, but beggers cant be choosers eh (see thats funny cause its no being used as a metaphor, its quite literal)(I am in no way making light of the homeless btw)(d’ye hink i’m doing the brackets thing too much?)(and how much is too much really? this is ma 4th set of brackets here man, I need tae fuckin stop)(awrite I’m done noo)
Christian goes a wee run up the ramp n Sheamus gies him a shove. Christian counters that wae leathering Sheamus wae a Kendo Stick for a bit. Hunners a double sledges tae Christians jaundiced melt, and a big shoulderblock. Finlay roll fae Sheamus after an unsuccessful Kendo Stick attack. Mare stuff happened, I made mysell a Tuna toastie. Sheamus hits White Noise for a 2 count. Sheamus done the chest beating spot before hittin a big ol powerslam. Some kick drums and chairs make thier way intae the ring. Christisan leathers Sheamus wae a chair and stacks 2 of them on his chest before hittin a big splash on top of them. See that just goes tae prove whit I’ve been sayin about Christian aw this time. He protected oor Sheamys tender chalk white chest wae some chairs so the splash didnae sting too much. Whit a man. His kindess was not rewarded however as Sheamus Brogue Kicked a drum intae his face. Game over.
Please let this be the end. I dont care. If ye make this a Mania match, I’m gonnae go for a shite when its on. Even if I dont need wan. I will force excrement. Tellin ye. Stop it.
People pay Dave Bautista tae act. Let that sink in for a wee second eh. Batista’s been away for 4 blissful years, and in that time people who make motion pictures for a living have actually picked up the phone, went lit that “Here, you’re Batistas agent eh? tell him we want tae pay him fur actin!” and after his agent stops pishin himself laughin, he accepts their ridiculous offer and off he goes tae dae actin. For money. If I wis a casting director, and I wis tae draw up a list of potential roles for Batista in ma film, it would look a wee something like this.
- Plank of wid. Like, if I need a character tae be an actual plank of wid. Literally just a rectangular plank made oota wid, Dave’s my guy
- Dave Batista impersonator
- Did I say plank of wid?
So in this wee segment him and Orton shout at Brad Maddox, and Brad gets a lucsious bead of sweat gaun fae his chest pubes, all the way down to his ball fro. They aw want a word wae Hunter or something, who cares. Batista wis involved so efter I wis done spewin uncontrollably, we moved the fuck on.
I still dont care. Yer burds a ride, but I dont understand whit impact a really huge guy cuttin promos in Bulgarian on top of an empty Persil box is supposed tae have on me. Try having him batter cunts.
Another double dunt fae Bray. Yer too kind tae us WWE. Cept when yer no. Bray tells Cena he’s every bit the monster that he is. He has a thousand faces and a million names. If Cena wants tae see him as a vicious beast…so he will be. if he wants tae see him as a smiling child…so he will be. Yer time’s up John, but time? TIIIIIIME IS ON BRAYS SIDE. Oh and yer wee Wrestlemania 30 challenge is ACCEPTED son. Beter get yersell fitted for a right big bushy beard, cause you’ve got some Sister Abigails tae catch and some Buzzards tae be followin.
Batista and Randy Orton vs Big Show and Daniel Bryan
Imagine Batista, Orton and Show aw huddled together, tae they turned intae a giant arsehole. Then imagine ye coated Daniel Bryan in Lurpak butter, and shoved him right up that arsehole and what do ye have? Ye have my worst fuckin nightmare and RAWs main event aw rolled intae one. We can only hope and pray that most of the match is DBry vs Orton, but it wisnae. We had big Dave blawin oot his arse after 2 minutes as per. We did have some nice uppercuts fae Dbry on Orton, before Orton caught him wae a lovely powerslam, but then we had Dave again and we had me screamin WHYYYYYYYYYYY intae the wee air vent at the corner of my room, a local fox heard my cries and re-assured me this wis best for business, so I gied it a chance, only tae see Bawheidsta sling a fuckin shanner of a lariat and that wis me scunnered again. Jerry Lawler started tae refer tae Batista as Bootista during this match btw, making the one thing I actually liked about his return a fuckin cringe. Cheers Jerry. Every single week ye gie me mare reasons tae fuckin despise what you’ve become. Big Show gets in and actually looked quite sharp, big I didnae care. Why is The Big Show feautring in Main Events again? am I supposed tae forget his last two angles involved him being dressed as a fuckin giant baby, and Brock Lesnar decimating him wae some chairs? I didnae forget mate. I never will.
Dbry hits Orton wae some chest kicks, followed by a crane kick, followed by a superkick, followed by I wanna hold ya, wanna hold ya tight, have teenage kicks right through the night, and finally a big roundhouse tae the melt. Show hits Batista wae a kick tae the belly, and catches an RKO for his troubles. Randy’s lurkin behind DBry lookin for another RKO, but instead he catches a spear fae Batista, which wis intended for DBry, but really shouldnt have been intended for anyone cause it wis fuckin shite. DBry hits the flying knee on Batista, leavin him tae hyperventilate ootside the ring. DBry misses wae a dropkick in the corner and catches the second rope DDT afore Orton has his RKO attempt reversed intae a bakslide for a 2 count. Flying knee tae the jaw and that wis fuckin aw.
Overall I wisnae daft on RAW, aside fae the significance of the Occupy RAW segment, seein ma Usos pick up the W whilst wearing green n white facepaint, and The Shield vs Rhodezies match, none of it really got ma fud flutterin. 6 Asai Moonsaults outta 10, and if you’re not down with that, I got three words for ya!
Say hit ye want aboot Teddy Long, but that cunt is fiercely loyal tae Dave Batista eh? yasin his wee catchphrases n aw sorts. Anyway, the three I wis gonnae say were “I respect you” cause I truly fuckin dae. You have a voice, and there’s nuhin I love mare in this world than hearin it. God bless. x