Jesus fuckin christ Batista.
The opening segment of RAW could have been excellent. It still managed tae be no bad in all honestly, as Trips comes oot and tells everyone that he’s gonnae turn Wrestlemania intae a cookout, and the only hing on the menu is Beard, namely Daniel Bryans. Its a convincing villainous promo fae Trips and even the concept of whit followed wis good. Get the two guys in the title match oot tae gie ye jip for potentially making their match a Triple Threat at Mania. Huv them exchange insults. Huv them level some insults at Trips himself. It aw good stuff eh? stuff necessary tae inject heat intae the feud n make it better. Lovely. Orton even tells Batista that hes gonnae dae whit big Dave couldnae, and take Daniel Bryan tae pound town (the violent wan, no the wan where ye stick a really dirty porno on n braid each others hair in a seductive way) They get tae arguing before demanding Trips fixes the mess he’s made and its aw great stuff. Trips goes aff on one aboot Batista n Orton thinkin they know better than him. He gies Dave jip for being a movie star, and Orton for being a great technical wrestler, so I can only assume the theme for this weeks RAW is “everything is the opposite” So Trips mate, congratulations on having a human sized beak, and working really gid, engaging matches throughout yer career. Ye really earned they hunner world title reigns, and living bawdeep in the bosses daughter had nothing tae dae wae it mate.
Point is, we had a really gid promo in theory, ruined by a fuckin nae user in clingin jeans. I don’t believe yer words, I don’t believe yer spear is a proper spear, and d’ye no suhin else? ye mumble like fuck bud. Speaking as a world famous mumbler mysell, I’ve nae real right tae talk shite about it, but fuck sake ENUNCIATE. Anytime he tells us he wants tae be “WWE World Heavyweight Champion” it sounds like “I’mgunbdubyaduheeworheeyweighchamp” tae me, and see that? that’s no words.
Renee Young catches him on the road oot the buildin and asks him why his jeans are painted oan, and he said “coming back here wis a mistake”. Agreed ma man, but thats no whit the lady asked ye. Never mind eh. Here’s some Usos and Real Americans. Perfect antidote fur huvin a cretin caked in denim and henna tatoos shoved doon yer throat.
The Usos vs The Real Americans
Lovely and smashin and braw and lovely and great match. So lovely and good that I stopped caring for sentence structure, or how pleasurable this shit is for you….the reader of this review. I don’t care mate. I’ve went rogue, cause when ma Usos are in the mix wae some Real Americans, aw I care about is that. Aw I care aboot is Jimmy n Swagger exchanging some beautiful shit, but Cesaro gets in there tae deliver some uppercuts that makes the ladies grab their butts. Aw I’m intae is Jey delivering a judo chop tae Cesaros finely crafted jaw. Aw I’m intae is Cesaro catchin an Uso intae a tilt-o-whirl backbreaker and aw I care about is how solid my stauner wis in the aftermath of these events. Corkscrew moonsault fae Jey wis followed up by the biggest of aw the boots fae Swagger, and cunts were just daein a whole heap of good wrasslin. Yees know how delighted I wis when The Usos won they belts. I’ll no lie, I’ve still no properly re-hydrated since it happened, and I’m currently writing this review in Stobhill on a drip, tellin the nurses tae stop Daffy Duck fae ticklin me wae the big feather comin oot his erse. Cesaro beautifully tells Jimmy tae “come ahead” when hes choppin him, before responding wae a stiff uppercut. Swagger catches a sare yin tae the side of the dome as this beautiful shit just got even mare beautiful by the second. Superkick tae Cesaros belly and a a big uppercut, before he rolled tae the the corner tae catch a stinkface. Near fall. Cesaro goes for some swings, but the other Uso breaks it up, and decides tae punish Cesaro by flingin him clean up in the air and huvin his brerr catch him in a Samoan Drop. Then a finish befitting of the fud flutterin, jaw droppin gidness that had unfolded before it. Both the Usos go tae dive on a Real American each, first yin lands square on Swaggers jaw, but the other yin gets intae the air only tae be KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT by a perfectly timed Cesaro uppercut. I’m pretty sure I seen Cesaro watchin himself in the crowd and nodding in approval, but thats not possible is it? I’ve had a lot of cough bottle lately mate. Ignore me. Its nane of your business why I’m rubbing my camomile lotion on ma nips and singing Buffalo Soldier tae a teddy dug. Mibbe I just enjoy those things. Cesaro of course pinned the recipient of this uppercut, cause it wis the equivalent of a bus hittin ye square in the jaw, and that shit is painful brah. Didnae really need the neutralizer tae seal the deal, but gie Tony his due, he’s thorough.
Hornswoggle tossin hings oot tae the crowd. He has long hair noo. So he’s been aff TV tae grow it seemingly. Bad News Barrett calls him a real life leprechaun, then he tells everycunt their gonnae get steamin on St Patricks Day, and they’ll regret the horrible things they’re gonnae dae. I didnae really hear any bad news in there. Oh and here’s Sheamus in a rugby tap. Cause its St Patricks Day, and we’s about tae have us some cliches!
Sheamus vs Titus O’Neil
Finally somecunt representing Ireland thats less Irish than Aiden Mcgeady! how ye daein Titus ma man. In a match on St Paddys cause his wrasslin name has O’Neil in it. Fuckin quality. This held nae interest for me as a match, cause Titus is fuckin garbage. A lot of kicks n that, before Titus dragged Honswoggle intae the ring and slapped him aboot. Sheamus intervenes and flings hornswoggle at Titus’ baws. Chest beating spot, brogue kick, game over.
Interview wae our Renee afterwards and she was lookin SVELTE son. Sheamus did refer tae Titus as “Tight Arse O’Neil” which is patter that disnae really translate tae Americans big yin. They think yer talkin about his arse for shaggin mate. Anyway Christian wis on commentary drapped some superb patter about David Spade and knocked fuck outta Sheamus after it wae a Killswitch. Still no buyin the heel thing but mate. Yer gonnae have tae straight up murder someone on live TV for me tae even consider it.
Cena says some irrelvant shit
He’s feart of Bray Wyatt. The fans might be listening tae him and he’s feart of that. This was a hunner times better than the fuckin awful patter he drapped last week but still, I didnae care. I’m sittin waitin on it tae be Brays turn. When’s it Brays turn?
Now…now its Brays turn
Ah good…nice tae see ye Bray ma man. Bray appears wearing Cena’s gear and that provides the backdrop tae some more scintillating, captivating, words. he says he learned a long time ago that everything he loves, withers and dies. He says he has nae interest in returning tae his castle, with his plastic Bella shaped burd, and aw this and aw that. He has nae interest for the material things that Cena holds dear. Keep yer lies and yer false promises Johnny boy, cause Bray disnae care if he even makes it outta there alive!
Follow the buzzards John. I ken its cliche, but I like ye mate. I really dae. I’d like tae accompany ye for a jog wan day and have ye explain tae me why people in the awful shape I’m in shouldnt go jogging, but if ye keep fightin this war, yer gonnae perish kid.
Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton
Crackin match. Always is wae these two, and it never gets auld. The wee added element of brutality wae the nae DQ stip dialled the brawness up tae obscene levels. DBry hits a suicide dive, but he disnae spot Orton diggin underneath the ring in the aftermath and DOOSH err a kendo stick tae the dome. Somedy in the crowd must have shouted “ring the bell!” and Orton went aff on one. Genuine emotion fae Orton is a rare thing, so tae see him shout “ARE YOU KIDDIN ME? THERE’S NO BELL TO RING!” wis somethin quite special. Randal Keith Orton is a real boy and he don’t care who knows it. Backdrop on the announce table followed that before Orton continued tryin tae feed DBry that Kendo Stick. Tries everything tae. The aeroplane trick, tried tae tell uhm it wis sweeties, but DBrys just no for having it. Sends him baws first intae the ringpost and ye had a wee feeling that Orton might be gaun over here. First time in a long time he’s looked as strong as this in a singles match wae DBry but of course it aw unravels eventually, and sadly a certain soul sucking cretin wis invloved. First we get some dropkicks, and a top rope huricanrana fae DBry, then a fuckin frantic combination of Kendo Stick shots and kicks fae DBry, of course rounded aff wae the big roundhouse kick tae the dome. DBry goes up tap, but he gets caught, and Orton hus a tender wee caress at that beard, before hitting a stoater of a superplex. Middle rope DDT followed that, before we make out way back ootside for some chairshots. Leathers DBry on the back, then gets back intae the ring tae complete the job, but haud oan! A WILD BAWHEIDSTA APPEARS! and actually hits a spear on Orton that almost looked like a spear. Its the kinda spear ye’d see fae Roman Reigns if he hud a wee cauld or suhin and wisnae quite on his game, decent but nothing ye’d be considering for any kinda compilation. DBry dropkicks Batista oot the ring, and sneaks in for the pin before scurrying up the road. Batista climbs back in and remarkably manages tae hit the Batista Bomb on Orton, despite his legs huvin a second skin made oota denim. At this point they urnae even jeans mate. They’ve consumed him. His legs urr demin.
Nah I’m sorry, but without either of the actual wrestlers present, I’m no fur any of this. As good as Heymans words were and as good as the wee video package wis that he introduced about Taker gettin auld, and Brock being a beast capable of dismantling the cunt, I’m no a fan of trying tae build a wrestling match without the wrestlers. Lets get Brock and Taker actually at their work next week eh? At least send them a wee email and ask if they’d consider it. Cunts must be gettin sick ae watchin Ice Road Truckers repeats, and cosying up tae their former wrasslin wives. I cannae even mind if Michelle Mccool wis a ride btw. Wis she? I always preferred Layla oota Laycool, but that disnae necessarily mean Shelly wisnae a wee smasher.
Goldust vs Fandango
I wis right intae this in theory, but they just didnae have any chemistry. I did like being able tae envisage making awkward, disappointing love tae everyone involved. No at the same time like. That wid be creepy, but separately I think we’d aw come away from the experience wae some unsettling stories tae tell. The match wis weird. Fandango looked like he wis a bit stiff wae some of his striking, and for me Goldy sandbagged a bit at the end. I dunno whit happened tae cause the cut on Goldys heid, but it made him a bit huffy. Kicked the ropes n aw that after the match tae. Nice wee spot near the middle when Goldy gied Summer Rae the fear n she fell aff the apron intae Codys arms. They wid have the children wae the brawest foreheids. Anyway aye, match coulda been better, but such is life. Goldy hits a heavy lookin Rana. A missed flying leg drop fae Fandango, and finally the last call fae Goldy for the win, or curtain call or whitever he caws the spinny suplex hing he uses as a finish the noo.
Then The Shield done some heavy braw shit
So Kane’s oot, and after an earlier chat wae our recently re-united Shield boays, he comes tae the conclusion that it wis Jerry Lawler who wis behind the whole Occupy RAW hing. Cause apparently hes woke up fae a 10 year slumber of no gien a monkeys aboot anythin but pumpin jailbait and huv chemicals injected intae his dial, tae orchestrate important shit. Disnae seem feasible tae me, but whit the fuck dae I know? I recently mistook The Jungle Book 2 for the original. I’m a fuckin lost cause. The Shield come oot n Dean Ambrose once again steals the show by no doing a whole lot. Somethin about the way he tellt Lawler tae fix up,look sharp and drag his erse intae that ring. Walkin like a proud peacock anaw. Cock ae the walk. Look at me orderin Lawler aboot like the auld decrepit toad he is, “in the ring Lawler, or risk seein the sharp end eh the back of Ambroses haun…ROUGH JUSTICE 4 LYF!” anyway aye….so Rollins is the wheel man here despite Ambrose stealin the show. Rollins grabs the mic and tells Lawler he’s confident Daniel Bryan isnae coming tae save him, but Jerry shouldnae worry his heid about that, cause The Shield always does whits bus for business, and dae ye know whit that is ma man? turning face and battering fuck oota corporate Kane, bawless Kane. Personally I thought breakin Lawler in 2 or 12 pieces wis the right move here, but who am I tae doubt a united shield? Kane tried his best tae fight, god bless his cotton socks, but he took a kick tae the skull, a man haufer of a spear and the auld classic tae round it aff, Triple Fuckin Powerbomb. Brilliant segment I thought. Kane is excellent at playing the corporate character. Making an angle work that used tae repulse me. Ye cannae castrate a monster, but they done it and for the first time in a long time I care about whit hes uptae. Its a gid feelin cause I’ve always enjoyed his work n I wis glad he got a wee World Title run a coupla years ago, but its gid tae have more than just a quiet respect for whit he’s daein. Personally I hink IF Punk did walk out cause he wisnae happy about being put wae Kane for Mania, then it is hugely disrespectful, and dismissive of Kane’s abilities tae make an angle wae Punk a good yin. I still hink that’s a work though. He’s gonnae come back during Mania, win an impromptu MITB match. DBry beats Trips, DBry wins the main event after a 45 minute, surprisingly brilliant match. DBry celebrates for a gid 10-15 minutes. Batista and Orton lie oot cauld for aw that time, get frustrated, wake up and knock fuck oota DBry. Orton punts his dome, Batista hits him wae a spear that vaguely resembles a spear for the first time, and Punk cashes in. Disnae just cash in though, he looks at Orton n big Dave, smiles broadly, high fives them baith. Pins D-Bry. Goes hame wae aw the belts. Phones aw his loved ones and tells them they can sook a fat yin. Orton and Batista exist from then on as Punks bodyguards only. I’m talkin aboot they go doon tae that paygrade and cease tae be wrestlers ataw. Punks a diabolical heel again n feuding wae DBry*. Kane’s still lookin trim and gettin involved in suhin. Everyones happy. Seth Rollins wis really gid on the mic btw, best I’ve heard him and aye that’s right, I’m back tae actually writing about the promo. Sorry if I lost ye for a second there but its good tae huv ye back pal. Want some Smarties?
The Shield didnae turn face btw. The Shield transcend such terms, cause Dean Ambrose exists on a level above anythin wrestling related. If I ever met Dean Ambrose I’d ask him 2 questions. 1. Can I paint you. 2. Can I paint you, cept this time we’re both naked.
The Funkadacyls vs AJ and Tamina (aka the same match as always, its always something along these lines, please stop it. Stop it now. Its too much, I cannae dae it)
The Smellas were on commentary and when Cole mentioned Nikki had been on a roll against AJ she said “yeah, and I got a win over her last week” so Nikki Bella disnae know whit being “on a roll” means if she thinks its suhin different tae beating her. The Bellas are insufferably daft soundin, and whilst the match wis pretty fuckin good, I just didnae care. Naomi wis particularly impressive, but she looked like she wis gonnae be tappin oot the the Black Widow, only for Naomi tae reverse it intae a slam followed by a beauty of a split legged moonsault for the win. Gid finish tae the actual wrasslin match, and then finally suhin interesting storyline wise fae the Divas. Somethin that isnae just “AJ vs Total Divas” which is aboot aw anycunt fae creative has mustered in 6 months. AJ thinks its aw Tamina’s fault, and gies her aw the pelters, but that’s stupid cause Tamina’s huge and often aggressive, so ye shouldnae really mess. Tamina gies her a shove, and AJ looks on the verge of gettin so intensely raging, that she squeezes oot a wee shite. I dunno if that tension is gaun anywhere good, fuckin hope so.
Mr T is in the Hall of Fame. I don’t recongnise the Celebrity wing, cause Trumps in it, and Trump can can tae fuck. Tyson anaw I’m sure. A convicted rapist. Lotta nonsense. Mr T isnae a bad cunt, but I don’t care.
A bunch ah cunts who aren’t being used creatively aside fae being used as cannon fodder for other cunts are lumped together in an 8 man tag match.
I didnae name them in the heading cause if ye’ve no seen RAW, I want ye tae guess who I’m on aboot fae the description. I’ll gie ye a wee clue, its fairly well known cunts, so I’m no talkin yer JTGs and the like. So fire away. Ziggler? yep, got it in one. A man who had the world at his feet a year ago, reduced tae irrelevance. Former MITB winner Damien Sandow? reduced tae Santa duties and being shouted at by the beak during the occupy RAW hing, course he wis in it. Berty Naebelts? of course. I’m gonnae stop cawin him that I think, cause the joke’s auld and also, hes a poor soul. Deserves better so he does. His wee angle wae Batista is the only hing related tae that slimeball that I’ve gied the beginnings of a fuck aboot since he came back, and even then that wis only cause Del Rio battered him wae a crutch. Mark Henry in there of course, cause they forgot he wis on the promo streak of his career and decided tae make him Lesnars punching bag. Rybaxel cause they’re Rybaxel and this is whit they dae, Big Show cause he also exists as an instrument for Brock tae throw chairs at and last but not least, ma shimmering beauty and current Intercontinental Champion Big E, who has had literally fuck all happen wae him creatively (bar huvin his last name took aff him) in about 3 months. The match wis entertaining enough, but ultimately filler. An excuse tae get aw these guys on the show without actually explaining why. Heels vs faces. Everycunt clears the ring, Ziggler selling his exit beautifully after Axel tossed him oot, and that leaves Big Show tae pin Sandow after the Chokeslam, cause out of aw these strugglin cunts, Big Show wis the wan that really needed the win. Nae sarcasm there ataw. How dare ye even suggest it ya swine?
Another stoater of a video package for the Wyatt and Cena match. For me this is head and shoulders above anything else scheduled for Mania right now, even though I’m intae the Triple H n DBry angle, I cannae see the match being anything special. Bray vs Cena on the other hand? Aye. A hunner million times aye. Unless the plan is tae have Cena win it, cause then we have this very real fear that he might never go away. I say that as a fan of his anaw. Both as a wrestler, and as a man I’d like tae hit up a strip club wae, but there has tae be a changing of the guard. If his career disnae gradually transition intae him being the guy who puts the likes of Wyatt over in the next few years, then the degree of respect he’s built up wae the fanbase will start tae wither, until its him showin up on RAW in 20 year time making us miss the days where yer main concern regarding his presence wis that fuckin dire STF he used tae reel oot. He better no start any “brother” patter but. If anythin he should bring back the freestyle rappin.
Bray Wyatt vs Kofi Kingston
The more ye get tae see Bray in the ring, the more yer convinced he’s the guy. He’s the one. Gie him, Ambrose, Cesaro and Daniel Bryan aw the belts. Taking shots each of feudin wae each other, fae now tae death. Gie me that flying rib shattering elbow. Gie me that big splash in the corner. Gie me SIster Abigail. Gie me Kofi Kingston gettin SQWAAAAASHED. Luckily for masell, aw they wishes came true as thats pretty much aw that happened in this match. Poor Kofi eh. Forever the Sqwashed, never the Sqwashee.
Triple H wants tae kill cunts
Ye left him nae choice Danny Boy. The Game didnae want it this way, but you forced his haun. He’s nae choice but tae shut this shit down. He cannae have a bunch of hairies jumpin in his ring and stoppin Damien Sandow matches. Whit kind of boss lets shit like that happen without stompin a mudhole in somecunt? so yer teas oot Daniel. Trips offers DBry his haun and DBry refuses. Triple H takes it well, which wis the first point I suspected that Daniel Bryan wis gonnae wind up on the heavy end of a doing here. Triple H disnae take things like this well. The cunts still in a cream puff about Warrior nae sellin that Pedigee, and that wis a gid 30 year ago or suhin. Haud the bus ah need a wee-wee, did he just tell Daniel Bryan he’s earned his respect? then left him in the ring tae bask in the glow of that praise? Mental. This match at Mania better no be these two 69’ing each other, and breaking submission holds clean wae aw the mutual respect. Cannae deal wae that shit, this insae boxing, there’s nae room for civility here. I want yees tae hate each other. Thankfully theres a battleaxe that ye’d pump daft in the mix, and along she comes tae save the day.
How ye daein Steph. First and foremost, you are WEARIN they jeans dawl. This is like the exact opposite of Batista. An erse I want tae see mare of. She’s oot for a right gid squeal anaw, and thats when ye ken its mibbe no always just been about the career progression for Trips. Mibbe Stephs a right shouty ride and he’s intae that, and I do not blame ye brother, cause the steam comin oot her ears right now is gien me a warm glow roon aboot ma nether regions. She’s oot tae inform her husband that having respect for Daniel Bryan is not an option, and the only option available tae him is tae watch as he’s prosecuted by kiddy on Polis, or he can take matters intae his ain hauns and batter fuck oot him. Trips chose option B and what we were treated tae wis a heinous and quite brilliant wee doing. DBrys put in cuffs, so he cannae even sling a roundhouse in anger. He tries tae fight, god bless his beautfiul fuzzy heided wee soul, but he gets tossed aboot lit Sunny at a key perty, a doing which is rounded aff by a thunderous chairshot as DBrys heid is propped against the ringpost. I mean he didnae actually connect wae it, but we’ll no dwell oan that.
Steph gets tae slappin him stupit anaw, wae DBry screamin “you hit like a girl!” at her. Whole hing wis heeltastic. I thought it went on a wee bit long, but it wis still smashin. First time I’ve really cared aboot somethin Trips has been involved in for a long time. Even the to Taker matches at Mania recently had nuhin for me emotionally, and pretty much all of the feud wae Brock wis phoned in. This means suhin. I’m no intae the idea of Trips being in the title match if he beats DBry though. I reckon that has tae be a swerve. As much of a genius move it would be in terms of gettin levels of heel heat that ye’d never seen the likes of before, the fact is, yer gonnae be left wae a champion that yer no satisfied wae long term. Triple H wis never aw that good in the ring in the first place, and he’s no been full-time in a while, Orton’s just Orton. Daein a fine job, but its still always gonnae be limited, and the thought of big Dave becomin “DubyaDubyaEWurHevEughtChamp” disnae bear even considering, so if ye ask this cunt (oh ye didnae? sound…get tae FUCK then) I’m still saying DBry walks oot of Mania triumphant, wae each and every belt ye could ever conceive of hoisted above his beautiful bearded dome. Even if yer a wee bit sickened wae it aw, the payoff will be worth it. Speaking as a bearded man that’s been tae hell and back at the hands of an authority figure on mare than one occasion, I can tell ye wae confidence that this shit is gonnae be bananas when he finally gets that moment.
Only fur heel CM Punk tae take it all away.
Trips n Steph share a winch tae round the whole thing aff n ye can tell that cunt is gettin rode daft later oan. Linda’s got the weans for the night, and Stephs got the boaby. Division of labour n that. Safety first, then teamwork
RAW wis fairly decent. Nae Brock or Taker brought it down a bit for me, and there wis a weird vibe around the Goldy n Fandango match, but apart fae that it wis a right gid show. 7.8 double underhook powerbombs oota 10. Naw Cesaro’s uppercut brings it uptae an 8, cause Stone Cold said so.