WWE RAW Review 24/03/2014

There isnae any way back fae rippin the arse oot yer jeans is there? I don’t mean this specifically tae any incident either, I mean in life, if ye rip the arae oot yer jeans in any scenario…that’s you. That’s how folk will define ye for years tae come. “Oh is that yer 5th Nobel peace Prize in a row Stevie aye? mind that time ye fell ootside Sub Club n tore the arse right oot yer Levis but?” “Oh so ye saved 15 weans fae a block of flats that wur burning doon did ye Agnes? no very gid at keepin the arse in yer jeas but urr ye?” Its just a life lesson. A hard one, but ultimately fair.

Its almost like Batista is huvin a contest wae himself. How can I become more of a riddy every week? He has a wee while tae wait before bustin oot his usual “successful uncle who lets his trophy wife dress him” routine but, as Stephanie McMahon opens the show by telling us aw that Daniel Bryan deserved his beating last week, and aw their chants for him were futile cause he wis lyin in the hoose nursin a burst jaw from Triple H hittin a steel pole wae a chair. The crowd chantin boring while Orton gies Steph patter about Daniel Bryan gettin battered again or something. I loved Steph here, but I wisnae intae Orton’s words and then the worlds biggest waste of spunk Davie Batista comes oot. He stutters through mare shit about bein the next “DUBAHDUBAYEEWORLHEVCHAMPYIN” and then he fuckin says “deal with it” three times. D’ye hink this wis intentional? making him an arsepiece? making him look stupid as fuck? cause its happening far too often for it tae be an accident, unless this is what he is now. This is what the world made him. A fuckin walking tragedy. I didnae like Batista before btw, but I understood. Folk like him have always existed in wrestling. Roided oot guys who dae an awrite job in the ring if ye put them wae the right guy. Wisnae my cup of tea, but I could fathom why he existed. Now? whit yees even daein? why are we putting up wae this cunt and his shouldertackle that he calls a spear? why is he continually gettin fuckin mic time anaw? Dolph Ziggler can barely get a Smackdown match, and Damien Sandow is reachin Zack Ryder levels of burial, but we put up wae this cunt and his words every week. He gies it some patter about Steph being drooled on a lot, which didnae really make sense tae me. Is he sayin Triple H slevers when he pumps her? are we comin at Trips and his inability tae control his salivating? either way, Steph slapped the taste oot his stupid fuckin gub, and Orton is doubled err laughin, so he catches a “spear ” and in the process of delivering that spear…..

BATISTA RIPPED THE ERSE OOT HIS JEANS!

From the ashes of a shite promo, we have my favourite moment of RAW….maybe ever. He takes his shirt aff n does some flexin, and thats nice for ye Dave, but d’ye know whit else? YE BURST THE ERSE OOT YER DENIMS MATE…THERE’S NAE SAVIN THIS. Only hing that widda made it worse is if he wis wearin a wee thong, or some french knickers under there. Although tae be fair, that widda been oddly erotic in a way. Or suhin. Whit am I sayin mate? whits next? can we have some wrestling now?

Dolph Ziggler vs Alberto Del Rio vs Christian vs Sheamus (Number One Contenders Match For The IC Title)

So this happened. 4 multiple time ex world champions in a fatal 4 way match for a SHOT at the IC belt. Just a wee shot. Unlikely any of them are winnin it either, unless the IC belt is gonnae become the new WH Title and winds up being passed aboot lit the johnny bowl at wan of Sunnys house parties (there may or may not be some kinda “Sunny gets shagged a lot” joke in every RAW review now, cause I like ma runnin jokes and also…Sunny gets shagged a lot) The match was decent. Didnae like Sheamus staunin on Dolphs haun early on though, nae need, yer baith supposed to be good guys fuck sake. Dolph hits back wae a beautiful high dropkick, and then a stramash ensues. Christian goes for a crossbody on Sheamus on the outside, but Sheamus caught the poor bastard and slung him intae the barrier via a Fallaway Slam. That leaves Dolph and Del Rio tae have a wee brawl, and Dolph busts another dropkick oot. Big E oversees aw this action, disappointingly wae a big vest hing covering they glistening dids. Big E looks concerned, probably cause naecunt could see his nips. Del Rio launches Dolph 200 feet in the air and drops him on his face, and ye’d think Dolph got shot wae a fuckin sniper rifle when he wis in mid air, cause the cunt died a hunner deaths by the look of how beautifully he sold it. Christian hits a splash on Dolph, but Dolphs rolls through for a near fall.

Sheamus goes a bit radge after that. Irish Curse backbreaker for Del Rio, followed by that chest beating spot which I still fuckin hate. Swear tae god, If I ever go intae therapy, thats the first thing I’m talkin aboot
“Doc, theres this wrestler right…and I dae like him a lot, hes a really neat guy gies hunners tae charity and the fact that he’s 3 quarters ghost disnae bother me ataw….but he does this thing….where he pulls his opponent ontae the apron and batters his chest hunners ah times, and I dunno, it just fuckin….bothers me….like, a lot. Why does it bother me so much doc? what should I do?”
“Maybe try not watching wrestling?”
“Aye I might try that mate, cheers for yer help bruv! keep it nawty!”
*burns doctors office to the ground*

In case yer wondering whit the fucks happenin here, this has now turned intae the story of how I murdered my hypothetical doctor. The murder of Sheamus was all too real though, as Dolph hits a beautiful facebuster aff the top rope that brings Sheamys life tae a close. Gies Christian about 50 jabs up on the ropes anaw, and leathers Del Rio wae that elevated DDT he does, but oor Dolph couldnae pin any of them. Christian nearly gets the win wae a sitout powerbomb on Dolph, but Del Rio breaks that pin up by KNOCKIN HIM DA FUGG OUT wae a superkick. Wis quite beautiful so it wis, Sheamus breaks that pin up and goes the Texas Cloverleaf on Del Rio, gets it locked in but spots Chrisitan lookin mischieous and puts that tae an early stop wae a powerslam. Del Rio intercepts Sheamus gaun for the Brogue Kick, and gets him in the cross armbreaker, but Sheamus  lifts him up oot it, Dolph sneaks behind them and Zig Zags them baith, but dejection is snatched oot the jaws of delirium for our beautiful Dolph, as Christian hits the Killswitch for the win.

Him and Big E have an entirely unconvincing wee face-off after it where Christian ignores aw his impulses to be the nicest man in the world and buy everyone an Ice Pole, tae dingy Big Es handshake attempt a stoat up the ramp looked extra huffy. Gies peace man, we aw know. Yer lovely.

Storytime wae Bray

Every week he draws me in. Every week he makes me give a fuck. This feud shites aw over the DBry one in my opinion because his enemy actually makes sense. His enemy goes against everything the Bray Wyatt character stands for. His enemy claims we cant see him, but how can that be true if he’s shoved down yer throat every week. Bray can see ye John, but can you see him? Can you see that he’s yer one way ticket to nothingness. Eradication. Death. No real death like, but the death of a career. The death of an era where John Cena is the top dog. If Wrestlemania 30 is remembered for one thing, it should be that. It should be remembered as the night where John Cena done the right thing, and things started to wind down for him personally. He keeps saying the future has to go through him, well its aboot tae John. Its about tae go through ye like a runaway train, and there’s little/fuck all ye can dae about it. Follow the buzzards. 

Sin Cara comes oot wae Scooby Doo, then squashes Damien Sandow

I dont have any words. Hunico squashed Damien Sandow cause Scooby Doo is in a wrestling thing. Whit? They’ll write books about the mistreatment of Sandow so they will, and those books will be one page long, and that page will read “Whit?”

I mean..whit? Sin Hunicara wins wae a Swanton after about 30 seconds…cause…I dunno. Sandow got roped intae a threesome wae Trips n Steph once, n Trips got weirded out about it cause they touched boabies accidentally for a second, even though its ok…when its in a 3 way. Its no gay, if its in a 3 way. Wae a burd in the middle theres some leeway. The area’s grey, in a 1, 2,3 way. Sandows been buried since. He played the game and lost

Rybaxel vs Los Matadores (cept naw, cause the shield battered cunts)

Magic. Loved this hunners. The Shield are the fuckin bosses of aw the things. They appear oota naeplace as usual and distract Axel long enough for Primo or Epico tae pin him, and then The Shield knocked Rybaxel THE FUCK OUT. This is whit you turkeys get when ye mess wae The Shield on Smackdown. Axel gets flattened outside the ring and that leaves Ryback tae get haufed in two by a proper spear delivered by Reignsy and of course a Triple Powebomb tae follow, cause despite turning face, The Shield are still the baddest motherfuckers of planet earth. I really don’t like the prospect of them vs Kane and The Outlaws at Mania cause they should be smashin relevant cunts, but there ye go. This was still lovely, so we’ll focus on thst for now sall we? aye gid. On tae the next thing…

Triple H and Micheal Cole conduct a performance evaluation of Jerry Lawler

Nah I’m only kiddin, Cole just interviewed him. That widda been sound though eh. Trips just gaun “he’s shite eh!” n Cole quietly nodding in regretful agreement. Cole calls him a thug as they go over him battereing a defenceless DBry last week. Trips makes a valid point that he told DBry he didnae want tae fight him, but that bearded wee shite widnae let it go so he got a doing. He then slips seamlessly intae a stoater of a promo about how he used tae do despicable things in that ring every week, and he’d look intae the eyes of the sick bastards in the crowd and see that same bloodlust in them. Now? he sees a buncha pansies. Fakes. Castrated naecunts wae nae drive. He tells Micheal Cole that after he disposes of DBry, he’s gonnae use his beard tae mop up the sweat fae his foreheid, baws and lower back before stepping intae that tripe threat match for the belt and winning it all. Cause he’s Triple H and he can dae whit the fuck he wants.

Cody Rhodes vs Fandango 

Nae doubt this wid be smashin, but whits the fuckin point really? 2 weeks fae Mania and The Rhodzies remain a team, aw these cunts are in a battle royal and I dont fuckin get any of it. Another 3 cunts that have fuck all happening for them creatively. Missile dropkick fae Cody early on, then Gpldust n Summer Rae huv a mini dance off, which looked like it wis headin somewhere funny before it eh..didnae. Fandango of course gets very distracted by aw the dancing cause it would seem that’s the main way ye get tae win matches these days. Huv somedy dance on yer behalf and yer opponent is instantly fuckin mesmerized. Cody hits the disaster kick and another potentially excellent match leads tae ride aw. Aye cool.

Hogan, Arnie and some other cunt say words

Hogan tells us Wrestlemania is 2 weeks away. Naw he tells us its LESS than 2 weeks away. 13 days. I didnae ken. Hogan says suhin about Mr T. I dont fuckin care. I’m sorry. Did people care? I didnae see this live, but I’ve nae fuckin clue why this is gettin TV time when ye’ve got eh…I dunno, yer fuckin biggest PPV of the year tae be buildin up maybe? Arnie looked really wee, and said it wis wonderful tae be back. Did ye shrink Arnie? ye look really wee mate. Arnie reminds us he inducted Bruno Sammartino intae the hall of fame. Thats nice but, but did ye graw doon the way? He actually clicks intae some funny patter about Hogans pythons, but see whit I wis thinkin wis…did Arnie get wee-er? He looks wee. The other cunt talks about bein pumped. How about ye pump yersell up enough tae ask Arnie if he’s shrunk eh. They mention the Battle Royal, and say nice hings about Andre, and Arnie asks if theres a coupla spaces in the Battle Royal for him and whoever this other cunt is. Miz comes oot and calls that idea ludicrous, but is it as fuckin ludicrous as The Miz being a former WWE Champion? dont think so kid. Miz tells Hogan that Arnie and the other cunt dont belong here and now even Hogan disnae belong here, so the other cunt asks him for a square go. Miz goes for the sucker punch but Arnie and the other cunt gie him a dunt each tae the ribs, and Hogan chucks him over the top rope like ye would in a Battle Royal! its all relevant guys!

I actually didnae hate that as much as I though. Arnie has definitely shrunk though, and that other cunt wis responsible fur it. Who wis he? whit is he? I don’t understand. Help.

No as much as I didnae understand the point in whit followed.

Big Show vs Titus O’Neil

I need tae get this aff my chest before I gloss over this match as if it didnae happen. Titus O’Neil isnae some prospect who could go far. He’s 36 and he cannae fuckin wrestle. Please stop talkin about him like he does matter or could matter. He’s brimmin wae charisma, but he’s still quite auld and aw he ever does in the ring is forearm cunts. Finisher’s no bad like, but get him tae fuckin buggery. Show wins it was a spear then KO punch. Wrapped up nice n quick. Lovely.

Coupla nifty wee backstage segments that made sense n everythin

I’m saying nifty far too often recently, but I’m comfy wae it, so you should be tae ma man. Anyway, Shield question Trips and Steph about why they allowed The Outlaws and Kane tae gie them a doin on Smackdow, and Steph calms them doon by stroking their heids gently and singing them a wee lullably. She says they’ll get together n talk it out, and they beautiful boys need not worry, so they drift aff for a wee nap on the couch. Meanwhile, John Cena gets ready for his match wae Luke Harper, and looks mega paranoid about shit. Thinks he can see somedy behind him when he looks in the mirror, but aw he’s seein is his own mortality. That wis profound eh? felt profound as fuck min. 

John Cena vs Luke Harper

These two were excellent together on Smackdown, so I expected another beauty. Harper whips him intae the ropes and pulls him up by the ears, cause thats the kinda sadism he’s hefty intae it. Responds to some feeble Cena jabs, wae a backbreaker. A fuckin wonderfully loud “LETS GO HARPER” chant breaks out, as his busts oot a Pumphandle Suplex. For once a WWE crowd was actually adding wae a match as opposed tae detracting from it. Cena gets tossed tae the outside and Bray has a right good stare at the poor tortured cunt. Cena climbs abck in ad gets his oesophagus elbowed right oot his body. Ye ever seen an oesophagus mate? aye me neither, I made that up. Big boot tae the melt followed an atomic drop fae Harper as the big yin continued tae dominate. A few stiff uppercuts are delivered tae the serenading backdrop of aother “Lets go Harper chant” Cena rallies and goesd for the AA but Harper kicks back wae another fuckin Superkick. Cause Harpers nearly 7 feet tall and does supericks aw the time. Love this big grey tinted beardy bastard. Cena goes for the 5 knuckle shuffle, but gets toed and then immediately wae a Minichinoku Driver lookin move. Cena then proceeded tae fuckin powerbomb himself, while cunts cawed it a hurricanrana. It isnae. It never has been. Stop trying that move mate. Ye cannae dae it and yer attempts are becoming mare of a riddy every time. Cena can wrestle so its no like he needs a Hurricanrana tae validate his fuckin existence, so he needs tae stop that now, or if yer gonnae dae it, at least have decency tae call it a Self Powerbomb. Then we had my new favourite thing. Luke Harper suicide dives mate. Naw it deserves capitals every fuckin time, so here they are…LUKE HARPER SUICIDE DIVES BUDDY! ALLLLLL NIGHT LONG. Cena locks in that imitation STF he does, but Harper easily fights oot, probably cause its no a proper STF and all of a sudden Cenas been planted wae a DDT. Harper takes Cena up top, but Cena fights oot n hits that top rope legdrop for a 2 count. Then something magical happened. Bray Wyatt proved tae the world that he is The Undertakers true successor, the air tae that scary as fuck throne, as Cena hits the 5 knuckle shuffle, Harper blocks an AA attempt and drops Cena on his face. Cena looks deid, but he fuckin explodes oot the corner wae a huge lariat and he looked like he wis aboot tae win it…then…..house lights turned down, scary shit turned the fuck up

The lights cut back on and we see Cena tied up in the ropes, wae Rowans sheep mask up, and 3 bearded demons staring at him intently. Genius. I’m more intae this feud than everything else happening at Mania combined. Shit’s gonnae be bananas. 

AJ Lee gets rewarded for having one of the most interesting runs as a Womens Champion in the modern era by gettin shafted (not literally)

Oot she comes for a match wae Naomi, which she shites out of within the first minute. I like Naomi btw, but hauf her moveset involves her erse, so having the champion appear scared of that is nae gid ataw. She then gets told that she’ll defend her belt at Mania in a match against pretty much every Diva on the roster, cause for some reason Vickie wis on RAW making decisions. Whit the fuck mate. Whit the fuck wis any of this? whit…the…fuck. That includes Tamina, but some Total Divas burd will win it. If that burd isnae cried Natalya or Summer Rae, the whole concept can sook ma left baw.

Scott Hall is announced at the latest inducted intae the 2014 HoF

I’m no huvin “well deserved” or “you’ve earned it Scott!” btw..I’m happy for the cunt, and he’s done remarkably well with the help of DDP tae bring himself back from the brink, but career wise he could and should have done so much more, and would have if he didnae spend hauf the time aff his tits. I say that as a big fan of him in every way. Cracking wrestler for his size, in an era where big guys were mainly battering rams, and always an intriguing character, but for me, if he wis less of a trainwreck he would have been a multiple time world champ easily. Probably should have got a run wae the WWE belt in the mid 90s right enough. So aye…happy as fuck that he’s sorted himself out, and he does deserve the induction, but I’m no shootin ma load err it. A bit daft that he’s going in as Razor Ramon anaw, I know it was his most signifcant WWE gimmick, but he made more of an impact wae the NWO than anything else.

Rollins and Ambrose vs The Real Americans

Or part 2 in this revenge mission for The Shield boayzies, as they looked tae toe the erses of every single cunt responsible for gien them a doing on Smackdown the week before. The match was a beezer tae. Of course it was. Three of the best wrestlers in the company and a competent Jack Swagger in there. I had ma gums aw the way roon it. Wee double suplex for Swagger tae kick us off. Coupla slaps tae Swaggers melt, followwd by a dropkick, as Rollins and Ambrose worked quite nicely together. Quite weird that they’ve been stuck together though, leaving everycunt in nae doubt that Reigns is gonnae be the guy they push as a single noo. Thats sound n that, but also..forget that and push Ambrose please. Push him outta my dreams, and intae hunners of really gid wrestling matches. Wae cunts like Cesaro, who gets intae the match and gets tae uppercuttin and double stompin oor Ambrose tae fuck. Swagger Bomb and double stomp combo fae Swagger and Cesaro as yer Real Americans got intae the ascendency. Ambrose goes lookin for a tag, but Cesaro decides ae decapitate Rollins wae a big boot tae the chops instead. Turns roon intae a backdrop from Amborse, ut he rolls through it and its some for some swingin! Usually I’m no overly intae this spot, cause its been done tae fuckin death, but wae Ambrose it seemed different. Even though he wisnae actually daein much, I envisaged him pullin a crossword oot his back pocket and daein it while he wis being swung, seemingly oblivious to what was going on. Its the kinda thing that would make aw sortsa sense wae that genius. The swing brings him a 2 count, that was broken up by Rollins, but The Real Americans were still the team on top. Next they broke oot a lovely wee double team on the outside, where they kinda swung Ambrose like a hammock, before slinging him intae the barricade. I’m gonnae christen that double team move the “double-team-hammock-barricade-swing” cause its a nice n catch wee name for suhin innit? really snappy. Like a suit worn by Brad Maddox before he sweats clean through it. Anyway, Cesaro gets tae wailing on Ambrose and Dean looks right intae his eyes and demands more. I love this cunt mare than my ain family man, I swear. Cesaro delivers jabs and uppercuts but aw its daein is feulling the madness. Big boot tae the ribs sends Ambrose pinging intae the ropes, but he explodes intae a huge clothesline tae end that marvellous wee exchange between perhaps my two favourite guys in the company right now. Rollins and Swagger get in after that, and Rollins was not to be outdone. Kicks, chips and a single leg dropkick fae Seth, followed by a big splash in the corner. Cesaro jumps in, but Rollins sees him comin and Monkey Flips him oot the ring, before he sends Swagger tae the outside anaw and fuckin dives on baith of them. Baw tingling, eye watering gorgeous shit, and he wisnae done hit. Springboard flying knee lead tae a 2 count, before all 4 men get tae brawlin. Cesaro and AMbrose are sent tae the outside, and Swagger gets Rollins intae the Patriot Lock, but Rollins busts oot it, scuds Swagger in the jaw wae a stoater of a kick, and hits Black Out for a well deserved win.

Cesaro decides tae be a daft cunt and attack Rollins afterwards, but big Reignsy does not play that shit. No even a wee bit. Superman Punch sends Cesaro oot the ring, before Reigns does that wee sneak roon the side number, this time hitting a peach of a spear. Cesaro’s pain was not at an end though. Ye shouldnae have got involved Tony mate. It wis silly, and The Shield reward silliness wae Triple Powerbombs through announce tables. Cesaro gets broke intae a few pieces, but aw the pieces were still functional, so I’m gonnae call that Triple Powerbomb the “Swiss Army Knife” and then im gonnae pat mysell on the back for being such a witty cunt.

Kane and The Outlaws come oot tae make their 6 man tag match at Mania official, and my soul died a wee bit. No intae that ataw. I loved The Outlaws, and I respect that they’re both in gid shape but whits the fuckin point? who’ll remember that match? Road Dog prolly cannae mind his name as it is wae the aw the Bath Salts n bad eccies he tanned back in the day.

Taker, Brock, Heyman and a Casket

I’m trying hard tae care about this. Really. I want tae, but I just dont get it. There’s nae heat between them ataw, and any chance ye’ve had tae inject any real emotion intae it has been killed by both of them missing RAW for the previous fortnight. Ye cannae just have Heyman chat mare irrelevant shite about the streak (sorry Paul, yer daein yer best, but yer materials rotten) I respect Brock for grabbin the mic, and at least callin Taker oot. He hilariously screeches “Undertaker…I’m here…you’re here..lets…do…THIIIIIS” and it did get interesting fae there. Some cunts in black hoodies roll a coffin doon and that freaks Brock oot. He sells it pretty well, but naewhere near as well as some of the auld legends. Yokozuna wis crackin at selling that. Underrated as fuck so he wis, naecunt talks about him as being anything significant and I dont understand why. Without him Bret Hart widnae have gotten over so easily as a Main Event guy if ye ask me. Yer no askin me though, yer readin ma RAW review, so I’ll keep daein that. Brock kicks the coffin a wee bit, before opening the lid and seeing fuck all insidein. Shouts at the wee guys in black hoodies about wastin his time. They’re lit “wisnae me big man, just follayin orders!” and after Brock stompin aboot the ring in disgust for a wee while, Taker suddenly appears in the coffin. Him and Brock have an uninspiring wee scrap, which ends wae Taker clotheslining Brock tae the outside. 

The best segment involved in this match since the first yin and I still wisnae intae it. They’ll need tae dae somethin spectacular wae the one RAW we have left before Mania. Probably involving nudity, Bob Backlund and the sacrifice of Broadus Clay.

Overall I wis really intae a lot of stuff on RAW, and totally disinterested wae the rest. Nae real middle ground. Disillusioned wae pretty much all of the Mania undercard and the shite build up its had, but the Wyatt/Cena stuff was braw as usual, The Shield stuff was magic, and once again Trips n Steph gied me a wee stauner wae their heely gidness.

Whit ye sayin tae it Austin?

austin2

Aye cheers. Cheeky cunt. I’d gie it 6.5 brainbusters ota 10, but apparently my opinion disnae matter a fuck.

 

 

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