Still Smokin’ will be like an adults only version of Pat Sharpes fun house. A whole lotta fun, prizes tae be won, its ICWs new crazy show, where anything goes! (cept instead of prizes, its belts, and this intro falls on its arse if yer not a child of the 90s) I spose I thought that analogy works cause Fun House is fairly choatic n that, and ICW is along the same lines, I dunno, I didnae really think this through, but aye! card’s armed tae the teeth, there’s gonnae be technical wrestling, wrestling where ladders are used as devices of destruction and probably some wrestling that isnae on the originally scheduled card. Basically if yer intae wrestling, ye’ll be intae this, cause its wrestling from top tae bottom so it is. Did I mention wrestling aye? Aye good.
Mark Coffey(c) vs Solar (ICW Zero-G Title Match)
Ordinarily I widnae gie Solar a hope here. Not that I dont rate him, but Mark Coffey disnae seem tae lose wrestling matches very often. If at all. A glance of the cunt oot yer peripherals is all ye need tae see a champion, and he brutalised Solar when they last met at the ABC, so all signs point towards that outcome again eh? Not to mention that squash match they had in Edinburgh last month, although I think Solar wis havin troubles wae his self esteem that day, cause he looked like he wis feeling small. 😉 Nah but, with the team at Polo Promotions behind him, I cannae see Coffeys reign coming to an end here. Unless they’re pushing Coffey up tae top end of the card, in order tae see if he can put his money where his mouth is wae these “True Champion” claims. He does have a point to be fair. He pinned the double champion. No his fault both belts weren’t on the line. Coffey to retain.
Joe Coffey vs Brian Kendrick
I often complain when matches don’t have much build tae them, but in some cases it really disnae matter. When ye put two world class professional wrestlers in there together, magic is gonnae happen. It happened when Joe wrestled Robbie Dynamite at the last ABC show and it’ll happen again here. Personally I’d have loved tae see Joe against Paul London, but this is should be a stoater, always liked Kendrick in WWE and mind he’s sort of a former WWE Champ (he had the belt for about 20 seconds during a championshp scramble match incase yer no aware) so it’ll be a massive feather in Joes cap if he can overcome Kendrick. Potential show stealer, but ye could probably say that about everything on this card. I fancy Joe tae lariat Kendricks shaggy wee heid clean aff for the win, after a belter of a match. Wee bit strange that there’s no James Scott on the card yet, after how brilliant he was in the feud with Coffey, so I could see him perhaps getting involved somewhere here. Wouldnae be the worst thing if it became a triple threat, but I’m still backing Joe tae win it. Cause Joe 4 Champ n aw that.
Kid Fite vs Paul London
Paul London is a genius. I didnae really know this until it was announced that he was booked for this show, and my pal nearly had a fuckin heart attack at the announcement. So that intrigued me. I write a lot of shite about wrestling, but in the grand scheme of things I know fuck all. All I knew about London wis his run wae WWE and the fact that Davie Richards nearly decapitated him wae a botched double stomp on the apron at an ROH show, so I delved intae the world of Paul London, and let me tell ye, it wis a fuckin delight. The man is a remarkable talent. Intrigued that he’s been booked against Kid Fite anaw, with the ambiguity surrounding his situation with his Fight Club comrade Liam Thomson, so we’ll see if any shenanigans are afoot there, but even if the match goes off without a hitch, it’ll be a belter. Supposedly London has been cuttin about the indies being a charming, sound cunt anaw, so we’ll see if he repeats the feat in Glesga. Someone has tae introduce him tae mad dug if he is, Bucky anaw.
The NAK vs The Bucky Boys vs The Sumerian Death Squad (Ladder Match for the ICW Tag Titles)
Oh fuck. I just…aw fuck. I think someone might actually die here. I’m no kiddin. Three of the best tag teams in Europe who happen to all be borderline homicidal maniacs, and ye give them a playground as big as the ABC tae work in? wae ladders and no doubt all sorts of other shit involved? I hope everycunts got a bag of blood standing by for a transfusion at some point, cause as much as I’m no really intae blood in wrestling, I don’t think it’ll be avoided here. Even if its no planned, somedys gonnae be on the sharp end of a cheese grater at some point, and while cheese disnae bleed, faces most certainly dae. I don’t know how involved Renfrew will be here with him being in the main event, but he promises a physical confrontation wae Tommy End after their bitter promo exchange (where Tommy End appeared tae actually murder, or at least stab someone in one video) so we shall see. If ye see anycunt’s teeth lyin around ye? unless there’s some kinda tag on them indicating who they belong tae, tuck they fuckers intae yer pocket and get them sold on Ebay. These are teeth belonging tae TV stars now. Theres nae honour in this game. C.R.E.A.M get the money. Personally this is the match I’m looking forward to the most on the card, and I’m a massive mark for the Grado vs Whippy feud, but there’s something magical about this combination. Those three teams, in front of a sold out crowd, wae some brand new shiny belts hingin aff they daft disco balls suspended above the ring. If yer pushing me for a prediction, I’m gonnae go with the NAK. BT and Divers have held just about every tag belt in the country and I fancy the NAK tae be stoatin oot the ABC with a large percentage of the belts. No them aw unless they can recruit Mark Coffey over the course of the show, but a lot of them. And I fancy them to tarnish the new belts almost immediately by taking them tae the bar in the ABC and making them pay for a pint. I always feel violated after daein that.
Grado vs Mikey Whiplash
Aw Grado. I love ye mate. I really dae, ye seem like a lovely guy, and yer love for wrestling and love for performing is infectious. I’ve been a fan since day one, and I’ve followed yer journey tae this point with intrigue, but d’ye know whit? Whippys gonnae kill ye. I know I spoke of a potential fatality in the tag title match, but in this case it isnae just potential. Its happening. Mikey Whiplash will murder Grado in front of our very eyes. The mutual respect between the two had been slowly diminishing for a while, but since the Insane Fight Club doc has aired, Grado has went mainstream, and I think that exposure has reactivated a long-standing desire Whippy has tae make Grado suffer. I reckon the match will be a beauty, but tae me their matches always are. Even if Whippy doesn’t respect Grado, and feels that he carries their matches, there’s nae denying the chemistry they have. They have this uncanny ability to have the crowd eating out the palm of their hands when the come together anaw, and Sunday will be no different. I imagine there will be a lot of folk at their first show on Sunday, after buying tickets when they seen the doc, and a lot of folk will be going tae see Grado, but they’ll come out of that match wae no doubt as to what Mikey Whiplash is all about. As for the match outcome itself? I’m not so sure. I was convinced it was Grado winning when this match wis originally scheduled in November, but unfortunately the match came to a premature end due to Whippy impaling his leg on an unruly bit of barricade, but the landscape has changed somewhat since then. Whippy has spent most of the time from that match to now, using the very barricade that he impaled his leg on as a weapon of destruction. Namely the destruction of Eddie “Sideburns” Roberts and the bold Yum Yum, but if yer looking at form? Whippys is rotten. The destruction of Yum Yum happened after losing a match to him, and he’s lost every ICW match he’s been involved in since overcoming Wolfgang in Edinburgh last August, but I fancy him tae win here for some reason. And I think there will be another post match attack, probably involving Whippy biting Grados ear aff n eatin it.
Jack Jester (c) vs Chris Renfrew vs Wolfgang vs Sabu (ICW Title Match)
Renfrew must have been rubbin his hauns in glee when this match was changed to a fatal 4 way for the belt, cause not only does he get to wrestle Sabu, he could potentially have TWO bites at the cherry, as there’s the small matter of him having a title shot at any time from winning the Square Go, aswell as his involvement in this. The guy who must be more bewildered than anyone at the turn of events is Wolfgang, who has gone from having a match one on one wae the legend that is Sabu, tae having tae use all 3 of his eyes tae keep up wae whats going on (that was a dick joke btw, the third eye is his ja….ah ye get it) but also wae the added incentive of his first title shot since his losing effort to Whippy last August. As for Jester? Nae doubt wrestling Red Lightning would have been a tough ask, but it would have been a one-on-one fight, so he’s gone from that, to probably his toughest battle as champion, and even if he does come through it wae the belt, he still has the possibility of having tae face a second challenge fae Renfrew at some point. I widnae even put it past Red tae be telling porkies about his injury so he can cash in on a weakened Jester after the match, and Mikey Whiplash still has a rematch tae have, so there’s about 50 different ways Jester COULD lose the belt, but it remains tae be seen if the venue where he became champ, will also be the venue where he has his greatest triumph as champ. As for mad Sabu, anycunt else would probably be annoyed at having his cunt kicked in by 3 Scottish guys as opposed tae 1, but I imagine Sabu will have a “the more the merrier!” type attitude when it comes tae fightin cunts, and wont be bothering his arse, so who’s the only guy involved in the match who benefits from the change? Renfrew. Conceivably he could hing back, pick and chose his attacks and wait for everyone else tae burst themselves…even wait for someone tae get a pinfall/submission, and THEN he pounces. Intae the back pocket, here’s ma contract, RING THE BELL. Round 2. Renfrews cashin in. No matter whit happens regarding the belt, the match will be carnage. Quite fancy the belt tae change hands here, and Sabu tae get fired intae the crowd via a Wolfgang gorilla press at some point. I fancy Jester tae retain initially, but Renfrew tae attack after the match and immediately cash in his title shot. Bobs yer grannys brother…new champ.
Aside fae that, now that he has no opponent after the horrendously unfortunate injury suffered by Lionheart, I expect Jackie Polo to be involved in some capacity. Everything crossed that its a match, but we’ll see. With the likes of Kenny Williams, big Damo, Joe Hendry, Liam Thomson, Andy Wild (I know he ‘quit’ ICW but ye never know) and James Scott yet tae be announced, I reckon there’ll be a few surprises in there. With Drew McDonald being the first inductee intae the ICW Hall of Fame anaw, maybe we’ll have a 30 man over the top battle royal in his honour (I know hes no deid, ye can honour living folk anaw, wheesht) so aw the midcard cunts wae nothing planned for them get a wee shift regardless. Either way, Still Smokin might be ICWs most stacked card tae date, but I say that aw the fuckin time. Also, my pal mentioned that Devitt is in the area, and whilst I wont get ma hopes up, I wid collapse in a heap of my ain smegma is that beautiful bastard appeared.
So listen, enjoy the show, and if ye see a lonely lookin aulder burd in the crowd, let her know even if naecunt else cares about her on this Mothers Day, you’ve got a special place for her in yer heart…via yer boaby. I’d tell ye tae go get some tickets now! but its sold oot, so if yer gonnae dae that, make sure ye overpay. If yer gonnae get pumped, might aswell dae it right.