WWE RAW Review 31/3/2014

GONG!

Awrite Taker? I’m no wan for ripping the pish outta legends or that, cept for aw the other times I’ve done exactly that, but Taker gies it the “old guy fawin aboot at the front door while he looks for his keys” stumble on the way in the ring, and gies it the typa patter yer mad uncle hits ye wae when he pulls ye aside at a family party. Haverin some shite here wis he no? jesus fuck man. I hink he bumped this promo straight ootae the wee bin Bray Wyatt keeps in his locker room wae the word “SHITERS!” on it. Apparantely the only things ye can be sure of in life is death, taxes and the streak. The fuckin Undertaker said that. The phenom. A guy I’m sposed tae fear and respect, gien me da patter. Da patter that’s even worse than my ain da’s shite patter.

I cannae even kid ye on, I fuckin hated this for the most part. Its the first angle Heymans been involved in during this run as a manager where I’m no intae his words, and of the 3 folk involved, Brock Lesnar is by far the most entertaining. Screechin aw err the place, and lookin like he’s shat his skants. Heyman gies it some patter, before Brock teases gaun intae the ring. There’s a lot of bobbin aboot ringside and tae me this shit wis draggin fuckin errrrrrrse. Its the last RAW before Mania ffs, lets rumble boayzies! Eventually efter tap dancin for a bit, a Heyman distraction gies Brock the opening tae get in amongst it. He sneaks behind Taker, but Taker is wise tae it and gets a jab or two in, but Brock isnae tae be bested this time. Knocks the auld bag ah bones doon wae a double sledge, before hoisting him up for a quite magnificent F5. Once again Brock fuckin Lesnar is the guy I care the most aboot, which is quite a remarkable turnaround considering I didnae have a minute of time for the cunt a year ago. He wont end the streak, but he left me kinda hoping he does here, so fair play tae the big boulderheided cunt.

Big E vs Bert E 

Intae this hunners. Stuff yer Del Rio hate in a sack brah, it aint welcome here. Thought this wis a braw wee affair, if slightly pointless. Whit we buildin up tae here? Del Rio gettin a shot at the IC Belt? Cannae really see much point tae puttin that belt on a multiple time world champ. Keep it on Big E forever, tae it eventually becomes one wae they remarkable diddies. Big Gorilla press fae Big E, is followed by Del Rio workin the arm, cause incase ye’ve no seen a Del Rio match afore, he’s daft for that. I went him in WWE 2k14 recently, and pretty much aw his moves gies ye a dunt tae the arm. He better hope cunts don’t realise they have two arms, n it disnae really matter if he pulls WAN of them aff wae that crossarmbreaker, cause then his whole offensive game is fucked. Del Rio comes aff the top rope n gets caught intae a backbreaker. Big E follows that up wae some smashin lariats, and a belly tae belly, but his big splash attempt is thwarted by Del Rio gettin the knees up. Reduced tae wan knee, Big E wis sendin a proposal tae recieve a superkick tae the jaw, but Big E blocks it and launched the cunt 500 feet in the air..landing bottom lip first on the canvas, tae bring a near fall.
Big E looks tae put this braw wee encounter tae bed when he goes for the Big Ending, but Del Rio slides oot it and hits that stoatin backstabber. One of my favourite moves so it is, mad Carlito and Liam Thomson baith dae it tae perfection. Goes for the crossarmbreaker after that, bit Big E blocks it and hits the big splash and NOO its Big Ending time. The straps are doon and thats plenty…Berts got other ideas but, armbreaker intae the crossarmbreaker as Big E fights tae lift him up out of it…a wee battle of wills breaks oot, and Big E eventually gets the better of it by lifting Del Rio up whilst in the cross armbreaker, and slamming the cunt. Big E takes Del Rio a wee trip up top, but Berts no fuckin huvin any of it. He gies Big E a few diddy slaps and that leaves him hingin on the middle rope, ready tae catch a double foot stomp square on the diddies. I like some Del Rio, but I swear if that cunt left a bootprint on they spectacular diddies, I’m huvin a word wae Drew about his best pals unbecoming conduct. Beautiful superkick follows that, and knocks Big E oot in the process, giving Del Rio a fairly pointless, but highly entertaining win. 

Bray gies ye chills

Gather round for storytime wae Bray. Mare chilling words from Bray. Calm but venomous aw at once. More chat about Cena being a false prophet. She said Bray would be the wan tae lead them. He’d be the wan tae turn diamonds intae dust. I dunno who she is, maybe its Sister Abigial…mibbe its Linda McMahon. Whoever she is, made Bray believe that he wis the real prophet. He wis the one tae be followin. Cause there’s only three things ye can be sure of in this world…death, taxes and the fact that Bray Wyatt is The Undertaker and Paul Bearer rolled intae one. 

He’s got the whole world, John Cenas legacy included, in his hands. 

Summer Rae vs Natalya

Ooft. How dae ye even begin tae choose here. One has agreed tae take my hand in marriage, but the other has legs aw the way uptae her chin. Its no possible. Coupla belters anyway, both tae look at and at the wrasslin. Natalya finds hersell in a vicious chinlock early on, as apparently Summer needed a wee rest fae bouncing aboot lickin her ain haun a lot during her entrance. Natalya somehow managed tae fight out of that bone crunching hold, tae hit Summer wae a pair of dropkicks whilse she wis sittin on her arse, followed by a pair of stoatin suplexes. Summer’s hud plenty and hits back wae a wee slap, but Natalya hits back wae a spinning lariat and wee slap of her own, before unsuccessfully trying tae lock in the Sharpshooter. Summer rolls tae the outside, and when ma Nattie tried tae drag her back in, dye know that wee perfect leg wieldin cow kicked her in the heid? fuckin outrageous so it wis, and even worse, it got the job done. 1,2,3. Summers away up that ramp lickin her haun some mare and lookin right proud of hersell. Fair play, but if ye kick Nattie in the heid again, I’m gonnae….well I’ll dae nothin, but I’ll no be chuffed.

Vicke Guerrero wis on commentary anaw, and JBL had his tongue nestled safely up her arse the whole time.

Triple H and Steph come out tae be heely bastards

They’re oot tae say farewell tae the Yes! movement before The Beak destroys it at Mania. Beaky isnae sure how much they’ll care, cause this generation has nae drive. They don’t want tae dae fuck all, they just want tae be a part of suhin. Nae hustle either, nae respect, nae LOYALTY. He mentions how Fandango and his theme were huge, and noo naecunt cares, which is shite cause he’s a “quality talent” and tae be fair he has a point. I think Triple H is about the only cunt who could make valid points defending a wrestler, and bury them at the same time, but somehow this cunt and his ski slope beak wis managing it. Steph takes over the heely as fuck reigns by somehow gettin everycunt tae chant yes, and once again one hauf of this marraige wis burying a cunt and puttin him over at the same time. I dunno how these cunts are daein this, whit is this sorcery? Rippin the utter cunt out the whole audience, as Steph tells them they can chant aw they want but DBry wont be there this evening. They let us know that the yes movement is a myth, and we get mare patter about whit kind of player DBry is. Who gies a shite? As good as this was as a heel promo, its draggin erse. He even puts himself over while burying himself by mentioning that marrying well wis a big part of his success, but him batterin cunts wis the biggest part of it.

Then we had by far the maist despicably brilliant video package I’ve ever seen WWE produce. Its basically a VT showing us everycunt Triple H has buried until now, and how they were aw just a flash in the pan. Kurt Angle had a bit in it, which might be a wee indicator that he could come back one day, but the central thesis tae the whole thing is that Triple H is the only constant, probably in the history of wrestling. Daniel Bryan is no more than just the latest fad and Triple H will stomp him out like he stomped everycunt else out. Its so horribly self involved and warped, and thats whit makes it fuckin genius. Ye get the impression that him and Steph are gonnae ride each other daft tae the rythmn of DBrys music.

He’s decided he’s gonnae win aw the belts after he batters DBry, and then he’s gonnae pump aw yer maws, sisters, aunties, cousins and nieces…and dye no whit? theres nuhin ye can dae about…..unless yer Davie Bautista.
Oot he comes, him in his basketball jersey and his fuckin slanty tits, ruining a perfectly gid promo. He mentions how he wisnae in that video package cause Triple H has never beat him, and Trips is lit that “ach shut it” …Batista goes on tae say that Trips is the brains of the operation n Steph’s the brawn. Orton stumbles oot n slevvers pish about beatin some respect intae Batista, and the whole hing wis dyin on its arse. Shouldnae have included this duo of diddy rides in a promo that wis workin perfectly as it wis. He says he’d be honoured tae defend the belts against Trips, but he urges Trips tae re-consider being in the match, cause apparently Randy Orton disnae like being honoured. Hunter tells him tae simmer, and says he’s nae chance of retaining unless he becomes the Viper again, cause he disnae know if he can beat the Viper. Wis he daein it again? wis he burying Orton and putting him over at the same time? I didnae even know this wis a hing, but Triple H just done it 4 times in 15 minutes and im no sure whits real anymore.

Orton vs Batista in a no DQ match is yer main event.

Usos and Los Matadores vs Real Americans and Rybaxelses

Whit a weird match this wis. About tae aw face each other for the tag belts, so lets split ye intae two teams. It wis decent wrestling wise, but a pile of shite logic wise. Some chops between Ryback and one of wur Usos, before the same Uso slings a pair of armdrags. Double team Uso’in followed, wae a low double superkick fae the boys, before Axel gets in and gets some chops for his troubles anaw. Double teamin between a Matador and an Uso as this shit got far too chummy for my liking. It wis a lovely match, but it aw felt like filler. Cesaro and Jimmy Uso exchange kicks and uppercuts, before Swagger slings Jimmy tae the corner wae a hard irish whip. Tilt-o-whirl bulldog fae Jey on Ryback, followed by Jimmy hittin a big flyin elbow on Axel, and duckin a lariat attempt tae hit a Samoan Drop. Stink face efter that led tae a 2 count, before Ryback gets a superkick fur breakin it up. Axel catches wan anaw, but he didnae see Swagger tag in, and he near decapitates Jimmy wae a big boot. Cesaro goes tae swing a matador, but the other yin stops it by hittin Cesaro wae a rana, and springboard moonsault on the outside Jimmy sets Swagger up in the ring, for one of the matadors tae splash him, but Swagger dodged it, and eventually cleaned everycunt oot, only for the other Matador tae pull the auld switcharoo while the refs back wis turned.
Rolls Swagger up for the 3 count in whit wis a fuckin frantic finish. If you can make sense it fae the words above then yer daein better than me mate.

Fandango and Damien Sandow vs The Rhodes Brerrs

Fandango lightly grazes the back of Summers heid wae his baws as they complete their entrance routine. Love wis in the air. Mainly my love for Fandango and Sandow as a tag team. The match is awrite. Mair pointless filler for the folk involved in the battle royal, but at least they’re gien it some coverage. Sandow and Fandango work well together early on, wae Sandow stompin fuck out of Codys chest as they get him isolated. Nice suplex fae Fandango and Cody continues tae take a fuckin tankin. Knee tae the dome fae Sandow anaw, as him and Curtis were gaun mental on his ex tag partners dome. Goldy finally gets in and hits Sandow wae a couple of clotheslines and a spinebuster, and when Fandango came flyin at him fae up top, he caught an atomic drop and baith of them were on the sharp end of a crossbody after that. Cody goes flyin at Fandango, and wae the coast clear in the ring, Goldy hits the Final Cut on Sandow fur the win.

Much like the majority of this RAW, it wis awrite. No more, no less. Lacking any sort of story progression or momentum, just filler. Last RAW before Mania, ye should be gettin me excited for the midcard, no realising just how average its probably gonnae be.

Shield talkin bout deliverin rough justice

Lovely wee backstage promo fae the boays. The Shield are mare united than ever, and they’re comin tae knock the shite ootae Kane and The Outlaws. Kane disrespected them by treatin them as hired help, and he got what was comin tae him. Reigns wis lookin intense, Rollins continued his vastly improved mic work wae some capitvating words, but once again Dean Ambrose stole the show wae some eerie shuffling. Believe in eh Shield. 

They’re here

Bray Wyatt vs R-Truth

Truth has some moments, wae his energetic, jaunty, heel kickin style. Bray bosses it though, and puts an end tae Truths wee momentum burst wae a solar plexus dislodger of a flying elbow. Some heidbutts and a wee bit of sneaky choking, is followed by some pretty kinky fish-hooking as Bray wis just toyin wae oor truth really. Truth has another ill-advised go at rallying, and Bray responds tae that by smashin him err the back of the skull wae continious right hands tae the jaw. Big splash in the corner leads us tae Sister Abigail, and its night night truth. Daft Xavier Woods jumps in the ring tae see if his pal’s still alive, and he’s cleaned oot wae a huge Lariat fae Harper. A strong, but once again ultimately pointless segment. We aw knew Bray Wyatt could batter R-Truth, so what have I learned here? well it would seem I jumped the gun in judging this yin, cause as The Wyatts music plays and Bray sinks tae his knees in his usual stance, lettin the adulation and fear rain down on his bearded coupon, all of a sudden an unfamiliar boady joins the party unannounced.

A strange figure in a sheeps mask and a Janitors overalls, who reveals himself tae be none other than JAAAAAAHN CENA. Aff comes the mask, and doon goes the Rowan, as he catches the AA. Gets Bray up for it anaw, but Bray scurries aff, leaving Cena tae burst open his ovies, tae reveal a chest and a cheekily determined attitude. As much as it worries me that Cena’s lookin strong so close tae Mania, it wis at least something fae this RAW that wis relevant tae the build of Mania, and the build of this utterly marvellous feud.

AJ vs Naomi (Jumberjill Match wae Layla huvin a wee nap on the apron)

So this happened. Least we had a match eh, and it wis awrite, but I’m no too chuffed about the bias shown by these wee traitorous boots, as they refuse tae batter Naomi when shes thrown tae the outside, but when AJ rolls out to do it for them, AJ gets pounced on and chucked back in. Aw we ask for is consistency! this is a fuckin outrage. Back in the ring Naomi’s dominating. Hits a dropkick, and AJ rolls outside for a further battering before Tamina intervenes in that braw way she does. Lookin aw authorative and strong as she protects her we pal. Objectifying women isnae somethin im intae, but is it objectification if ye desperately want a burd tae heider ye? i dont think it is. I think its more of an appreciation for gid neck strength, but listen…thats no for me tae judge. Whits important is that aw the other divas battered Tamina anaw, and AJ wis flung back intae the ring tae catch the rear view aff Naomi for the win.

Cena says words that I didnae hate

Bray’s been slandering Cena’s name, and he’s had enough. He’s been called a false prophet, called a monster, and call a man who likes stealin burds shoes and sniffin them keenly, and he does not care for any of those names. He does not care for the hex that Bray is attempting tae put on him, so if that means he needs tae become a monster for a day tae slay a lifelong monster in Bray Wyatt, then by christ thats whit he’ll dae. He’ll dae whitever it takes tae secure his legacy as a guy most people hated for years, n then some thought he might be awrite. A legacy worth puttin yer life on the line for there John san. Nah I loved this though, properly emotive stuff fae Cena and he didnae try n be funny, he just wis naturally. Does a wee impression of Bray talkin about change, before sayin hes gonnae need tae change the way he walks cause Cenas gonnae stuff his foot in his erse. A line that had Rennee Young in a state of glaikit delirium.
I kinda liked Cena being made tae look strong this week, cause it’ll make it aw the sweeter when Bray dismantles him on Sunday. Cause that’s happenin. Put every last penny ye have on it, cause ye cant stop the prophet. 

Kane vs Roman Reigns

There wis a vote on the app tae see whit member of The Shield wis gonnae face Kane, and Dean Ambrose got fuckin 9% of it, so I’m officially in the huff. Fuck this shit. I love a bitta Reignsy, but Dean Ambrose should always be at least in the arguement. Rollins only got 11% of it anaw. Reigns is over as fuck it would seem, but he wis soon..eh…under as fuck, as Kane floored him wae a big boot. Some stiff right hauns is followed by an elbow tae the cervix, big splash in the corner and sidewalk slam. Kane is bossing this shit, and goes for the chokeslam lookin tae put Reignsy away in an unlikely squash, but Reigns powers oot and flattens the big red castrated machine wae a flying lariat. Sets him up for that apron dropkick spot next, which has been buggin me lately, but it seemed fitting here. Sets up n the corner for the Superman Punch, but the fuckin dirty bastardin New Age LOUT-Laws come oot tae provide the distraction. They get stopped in their auld plastic hipped tracks by Ambrose n Rollins but, and slung back in the ring.

Reigns ducks an attack fae Kane and responds wae a Superman Punch. Kane’s left squirming on the mat as aw the Shield entered the ring and surrounded the poor cunt. Dunno why they didnae let Reigns hit the spear and win the match first like, but The Shield stomp Kane oot and go lookin for some Triple Powerbomb action, only for the Outlaws tae drag Kane oot the ring tae safety. Another pretty toothless segment really. No intae this match ataw for Mania. Widnae matter if The Shield ripped these auld yins limb fae limb, it widnae improve their position in the company ataw. For all the good shit they’ve been involed in over the past year or so, its a bit saddening tae see them in an irrelevant Mania match, but thats the life we chose as WWE fans. Frustration, heidaches and probably irritable bowel syndrome.

Pipers Pit

Last Pipers Pit wis fuckin genius. Possibly my favourite segment of the year so far, with Piper and The Shield exchanging patter (and when I say The Shield, I mean the genius known as Dean Ambrose) so when this shit rolled around, I wis feelin good about it and it…well, it wis fuckin shite.
Hauf this show has been the build up for a fuckin battle royal and as much as I’m enjoying the mid card gettin so much exposure..its a fuckin battle royal. Who gives a shite. Pipers sayin words and The Miz strolls oot n interrupts. They exchange Miz’s “really” catchphrase for a while, which Piper of course does better. He disgracefully compares Pipers Pit tae Miz TV, and I think he wis trying tae make oot Miz TV wis better, but I dunno, I wis close tae blacking oot wae frustration induced rage, cause Sheamus comes oot next n slevvers some shite. Titus O’Neal comes oot n says “hol up” and confirms that “hold without the d” then he spells his ain name. Whit the fucks happenin here man? have these cunts aw been in the back buzzin glue?

Ye know its leadin tae a brawl eventually, and Dolph comes oot next tae say some shit about winning the battle royal. Piper just wants a chance tae say some words and these wanks keep interrupting him. Whole hing wis stupid. Piper breaks the madness up by slapping The Miz and sending him towards Sheamus, then everycunt else in the battle royal ran oot simultaneously for a scrap. Wee Rey and the Big Show actually got entrance music but. Good for them. Everycunt clears oot eventually, wae Drew catching a Brogue Kick in the process, and Sin Cara gettin 619’ed. It gets down tae Show n Rey eventually, and Show launches Rey on tae aw the other cunts, who were aw staunin next tae each other outside the ring for some reason. Aye…..shite.

Randy vs Dave (no DQ match)

We had our Trips and Steph oot for a wee stint commentary, which Lawler tries tae sell as being some sort of shock, even though there was two spare chairs there already. Just you calm it Jerry.
Orton slings Batista intae a pole, before big Dave floors him wae a lariat on the outside. Shit wis mad boring mate. Imagine this main evented Wrestlemania man? these two fannies fartin aboot for 25 minutes, makin ye lose the will tae live. Ortons some man wae the right opponent, but Batista is not that guy and this match wis not that important. Whit followed it was, but in the meantime Orton send Batista intae the timekeepers bit wae a clothesline. Dave finds a chair in there and slings it for a while, then some heids met some announce tables. Backdrop on the barricade spot fae Orton, because its an Orton match, so that wis always happenin. There wis a kendo stick in the mix, and various other hings…fuck knows. Dave’s lyin sparkled in the ring, and then somethin interesting happened outta nowhere!

Daniel Bryan comes oot the crowd (in his gear of course, scouts honour, always be prepared) and launches himself at Trips. Knockin his cunt right in for about 5 seconds, before Orton jumps oot and intervenes. Orton tosses Bryan intae the ring and followed him in only tae catch a spear aff big Dave. Well it wis somethin almost resembling a spear. Enough tae call it wan without feelin guilty. He picks DBry up for the Bawheidsta Bomb after that, but the wee furry heided warrior kicks him in the back of the skull, and knocks his teeth out wae the flying knee, and wae the coupla bawbags lying hauf deid, the coast wis clear tae hit a suicide dive on Trips and go utterly daft on the cunt wae a Kendo Stick. Trips rolls oot tae the aisle, lookin like a cunt who’s just been pulled oota water about 5 seconds before he wis about tae drown. Steph gies Trips the Heimlich while screamin at DBry that this ends at Wrestlemania. Yer right enough dawl, it ends in TRIUMPH for Daniel Bryan.

Aye! Aye! Aye!

Overall, for it being the last RAW before Mania, I thought it wis brimmin wae largely pointless filler. The Wyatt and Cena stuff was predictably braw, and ma pants wringin for that yin, and Trips wis as heely as ever. Nice tae see DBry end the night strongly tae, but overall, a lot of the shit wis just underwhelming. Brock hittin the F5 wis the only thing saving that pish opening segment, but tae be fair, it saved it in some style. I’ll gie it a kinda generous 6 moonsaults oota 10.

Probably dae a Mania preview the morra, and mibbe a Smackdown review, cause its Mania weekend and this shit is gettin real. Here’s Austin tae sing the outro, since he’s been confirmed for Mania…

austinrawsslemania

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