WWE Wrestlemania 30 Review

wrestlemania-30

Nothing’s the same.

No matter how hard ye try tae sugar coat it, explain it away with logic and clear thinking, and even explain it away wae conspiracy theories if that’s yer thing (it shouldn’t be btw) there’s nae words for it ataw, ye just wake up wae this unshakeable feeling that the course of the world have been altered for good. Yer children will watch something inherently different fae the thing you watched when ye brainwash them intae (not optional) wrestling fandom, yer children’s children probably wont even know about the way it was before ataw, cause by that the internet will become an environment ye can physically enter, and when that becomes the case, everycunts gaun straight for the porn, while the ghosts of wrestling past sit in a wee room. Ignored. Longing for hits. Longing for you to care.

It all changed last night. Nothing’s the same. It could never be the same again.

I ran intae a wall heid first earlier just tae see if I still bleed like mortals do. I looked at the gash on ma heid, and the blood pouring oot it, and aw the way down ma hairy chin, whilst an imaginary 50s housewife appeared over my shoulder and said “you’ve been in the wars eh!” I looked in the mirror and sighed. The blood wis real, but nothing else is. Its all different maaaaaan. Its all like…..weird n stuff.

Because as I sit here today, a man of 24 years and 362 days, 16 hours and 12 minutes, I sit here as a man who witnessed it end. A man who who looked upon the rubble like a slack jawed windae licker and couldnae comprehend whit he wis seeing. The horror still hasn’t wore aff. The lack of comprehension will never fade. That wee niggling feeling of “why?…why now…and why him” will never fully shift, cause as I type this words tae ye on this solemn Monday evening, I’ve got a bitta bad news for ye mucker. It finally happened. Strap yersell for some news that will change the way you see it aw….cause it happened….

David Otunga has returned to in-ring action.

I know! couldnae fuckin believe ma eyes either. For aw the predictions we seen tossed about for the 3 open slots in the battle royal, there’s wan we didnae anticipate. The lord of litigation himself, Davie Otunga returning, tae steal our hearts and minds. I cannae be the only cunt who missed big Dave surely? Think about it this way, of the two Daves who have returned tae WWE in recent months, who makes ye want tae fly kick the side of yer tele more? Davie O or Davie B? Exactly mate. Welcome back tae the fold Otunga ma man, and here…welcome tae this Wrestlemania 30 review. Strap yersells in and get comfy cause this shit is gonnae get intense baby. I’d love tae tell ye I dont mean hauf the stuff I’m about tae say, and its really not that serious, but trust me..I mean it aw. Every fuckin painstaking horrendous emotion. Nae half measures ma man, this is where the eyes of the world are on wrestling and this is when ye just cannae fuck it up. No in a big way anyway. So its far fae ideal when ye kick off wae Hulk Hogan saying words. A very real and very serious risk if his hauners arent fuckin stellar, and d’ye know whit? They were probably the finest hauners any man has ever had. I dunno if thats pure dumb luck, or they were only sent oot tae save the poor cunt cause he wis dying on his glaikit auld erse, but it didnae matter, cause they formed like Voltron. Before aw that we had some pre-show gidness fae some solid boayzies.

The Usos vs The Real Americans vs Rybaxel vs Los Matadores

Widnae have bothered wae this since its pre-show, but I did watch it and it did include ma mainest men The Usos so I’ll tell ye whit I remember eh. The matadors went oot first, then Rybaxel, then The Usos won. I know eh…whit wis the fuckin point in even mentioning it if thats aw yer gonnae say? but The Usos retained, so thats obviously no AW I’m gonnae say, cause I’ll also say this….WHEN THEY SAY UCE…YOU SAY OH

UCE!

….

Exactly.

Hogan and friends

Hogan opens the show, and after explaining tae us about how this is a historic night for WWE, having this show on the “WWF…uh…E Network” he then goes on tae tell the people of New Orleans he’s happy as fuck tae be in the Sliverdome….which wis the venue for Wrestlemania 3. Hogan’s pretty much mentally fucked eh? Seems tae be shittin his pants anytime he’s in front of a crowd now and I imagine the respect the crowd had for him wid have wore aff eventually if he kept stutterin through this, but then a certain someone done that magic he does.

GLESS SMASH!!!

STONE COLD! STONE COLD STO…sorry I cannae pull that aff, where the fucks JR when ye clearly need the cunt? He strolls oot, bold as fuckin brass, and immediately pulls Hogan up for his earlier slevvering. Its the Superdome we’re in brotherrrrr. They huv a wee staredown, and Austin asks the crowd if they’d like tae see ol Steve Austin relive the glory days and knock 17 shades ah shite outta Hogan. The crowd are intae it, but it wis never happenin. Partly cause this whole segment wis about mutual respect and reminiscing, and also cause if present day Steve Austin stunners that broken auld tower of confusion that cries himself Hulk Hogan these days, I’m fairly certain they’d baith turn tae dust on impact and the universe wid implode. We’re no needin that mate, we need a distraction instead, we need a champion. A champion who stands up for the people…..

IF YA SMELLLLLLLL…WHAT THE ROCK….IS COOKIN

Ah whit! I’ll no tell ye any lies troops n troopettes, I popped hard. Done fuck all but rip the pish outta his run last year anaw, but something about the occasion, the other two men in that ring and the fact that he absolutely nailed it on the mic made this shit somethin special. He takes his turn tae slag Hogan for calling it the Silverdome, before hittin us wae some patter about how there seemed tae be a lot of babies born exactly 9 months after his Wrestlemania appearances, cause folk just had tae run hame and ride each other daft after seeing the big yin strut his stuff. He calls Austin and Hogan the two biggest names in the history of the WWE. Draws parralels betwen Hogan and Cena, then does the same wae Austin and Dbry, which is pretty fitting. Know whit? it wis aw lovely. Yees know. When he done his wee rhyme about ifs ands or maybes, we got no choice but go home and make us some Rock babies, ye couldnae help but tae smile fae ear tae ear.

We finish off by smelling whit The Rock’s cookin, finding out whit the bottom line is, and we find oot whit we’re gonnae dae when THE SUUUUUPERDOME runs wild on us, before the three icons shared some beers and awkwardness. For aw the nicey nicey shit, ye get the impression they’re no really pals. Only thing really bonding them is a mutal dislike for Nick and Brooke Hogan.

So then we had a wrasslin show. Fairly important wan anaw.

Daniel Bryan vs Triple H (winner enters the main event)

Aw guys, would ye look at Steph. In her wee ring announcers outfit, cept insteada wearin suit troosers she wis wearing NAE troosers. Short shorts are whit its aboot. When yer carryin yersell aboot on a pair of finely crafted legs like Stephs, short shorts aren’t even an optional thing. Thats the only bottoms society accepts fae ye. She gets better wae age though eh? I don’t think even Trips seen that comin when he was first gettin built in, he obviously knew he had it made in the shade cause she’s the bosses daughter n that, but I dunno if he seen her morphing intae this superheel goddess wae an erse that shows nae intentions of quittin. They share a wee eskimo kiss after the boays make their entrances, Trips one in particular wis quite magnificent, as he turns up sittin on a gold throne wearing nuhin but a sense of entitlement (and a crown n shit, his wrestling gear anaw, but mainly the smugness) Trips offers DBry his haun right away but DBry is in nae mood and kicks it away, before trying a sneaky wee rollup for a 2 count.

Trips goes outside for a wee “compose yersel!” winch aff the burd, before rolling back in tae take a wee dropkick. They run the ropes and exchange knees tae the gut after that, before trips starts tae target that burst shoulder of Daniel Bryans, only tae see DBry block his attempts tae wrap the deid shoulder round the ringpost and hit a tornado ddt aff the apron instead. DBry isnae done nearly killin himself though, launching himself aff the top rope this time only for Trips tae deflect his dive and send him towards the barrier. Trips finally gets some joy in his attempts tae pull DBrys arm oot its socket and slap uhm wae it when he tries tae Pedigree him through the announce table. DBry blocks that, so Trips smashes his arm instead. Gets him intae aw sortsa a wristlocks and armbars after that, cause thats right troops…Triple H has gone full Del Rio! The Cerebral Assasins playbook is right oot the windae, replaced by the “Del Rio guide tae gien oot sare arm dunts”
DBry stops it in its tracks by sendin trips on a wee message tae the outside of the ring, but once Trips realises its a ruse and there is nae message tae be had, Trips gets right upset n blocks DBrys suicide dive attempt, before drappin him spine first on the apron.

Trips seemed hell bent on lettin folk know that he can wrestle here, and I’ll no lie, I wis a wee bit surpirsed with how good some of his submission stuff wis. Gets a decent enough crossface in, before DBry reached the roles, then he gets right back tae the Del Rio tribute act, before the boayzies exchanged jabs, and kicks tae the gut. Another nod tae Benoit followed that, this time fae DBry as he strings a couple of German Suplexes together. Trips follows that up wae beauty of a tiger suplex and dye know whit? this had already exceeded my expectations hunners. Hats aff tae Hunter, cause this is undoubtedly the best shape he’s been in and the best he’s wrestled in about 10 years if ye ask me. He even has the audacity tae go up top lookin for a suerplex, but DBry blocks its and hits that sexy wee flip powerbomb hing he does aff the top rope. Coupla beautiful corner dropkicks look like they’re gonnae be joined by a third yin, but Trips fuckin LAUNCHED that tree trunk bicep ae his towards DBrys windpipe in the form of a clothesline, in whit would prove to be the first of many decapitations in the night.

DBry gets back intae the ascendency but and goes up top for the flying heidbutt, only for oor Paul tae get the knee up tae block it. Locks in the crossface after that, cause he’s The Beak and its a win via submission that he shall seek (god almighty, who writes this shite?) They huv a wee jostle and it leads tae DBry reversing intae a wee crossface of his own, but Hunter reaches the ropes, and that completes the “call Triple H three different names in the wan paragraph” challenge. Thanks for playin.

DBry hits a pair of suicide dives efter that, followed by some mildly erotic kicks tae the chest, and a missile dropkick back in the ring. Mare chest kicks followed by the big roundhouse tae the heid after that, before DBry leads the crowd in another YES! chant. He smells blood and its time for the kill. Running Knee is slung in Hunters direction, but he catches it and turns it intae a peach of a spinebuster, and haud oan…aw fuck naw…naw….PEDIGREE. The YES! Movement is stone deid. DBrys oot the game. Fuckin Pedigree outta naeplace. 1…2…….SHOULDER THE FUCK UP. DBrys gaun err guys! ge kciked out the fuckin pedigree, he HAS to be winning this shit. Quick rollup fae DBry brings a two count, but there wis nae doubt Trips wis on top and it felt like a second Pedigree was on the cards. He does go for it, but DBry reverses it intae a pin for a two count. Another two attempts are blocked, before Dbry counts wae some kicks. Trips goes for a backdrop but the only hing thats about tae drop is The Beak, as oor DBry lands on his feet, gies himsell room for a wee runny, before removing that ironclad jaw fae Hunters face wae the most picturesque of Running Knees. YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAS! OOR BOYS GAUN FOR THE BELTS EFTER OAN!

It wis never gonnae be that simple though wis it? as Steph and they glistening pins of hers climb in tae slap DBry stupid. He takes it gleefully, knowing fine well that a freshly scudded jaw isnae gonnae stop him taking aw the belts in the main event, but the slapping is just a distraction for Trips tae ambush him fae behind and deliver justice as only the beak can. Flattens DBry, then smashes his wee sore arm aff the ringpost in an act of heelish thuggery. The heel tae end aw heels. If Daniel Bryan is gonnae emerge fae Wrestlemania wae a cute attitude and aw the belts his wee heart desires, he’s gonnae have tae overcome aw the odds.

The Shield vs The Outlaws and Kane

Imagine you were the wan that had tae tell Dean Ambrose how short this match wid be. Imagine breakin that news tae him as he paces roon the room muttering “are you serious?” under his breath and kickin an imaginary giraffe in the baws. He still manages tae steal the wee part of the show The Shield did get. Well in ma eyes anyway, but I’m a sucker for cunts lookin mental and swinging wild punches at thin air. Enjoyed The Shield interrupting The Outlaws entrance anaw, lookin mean as fuck wae their wee masks on. In reality, it wis probably our Reignsy that stole it, as he hits that apron dropkick spot on both Outlaws. Hits them both wae a double spear anaw, and all three of yer Sheildzies combined tae hit the first ever eh….triple double powerbomb? Did The Shield fuck around and get a triple double? Well baith Outlaws were on the sharp end of that anaw, as Ambrose and Rollins hoisted them up intae the warm embrace of Reigns, before all three of them combined tae send yer Outlaws tae the mat, and that was the move that got them the win. Rollins n Ambrose tossed a wee double suicide dive in there tae. Kane caught a spear. I cannae remember any offence fae the auld yins tbh, aside fae a few stiff right hands fae Kane, and Billy Gunn offendin me by huvin his fuckin hair braided.

For only getting 3-4 minutes The Shield looked about as dominant as ye can, but ye have tae wonder whit the point wis. Made three veterans look inept, and a bit daft in all honestly. I dunno if this is supposed tae signify a changing of the guard or suhin, with the new breed knockin fuck oot the auld yin, but that would only work if The Outlaws had been relevant ataw for the past 15 years. Kane deserved better. The Shield deserved better. The Outlaws deserved the night aff.

30 Man Battle Royal for the Andre The Giant Memorial Trophy

I’ll run ye through some of the important shit eh, cause its a battle royal and neither you, nor I gies enough of a fuck tae go through every elimination n that. Truth be told, tae at least 10-15 cunts cleared oot I took nothing in. Aw I seen wis a team of hauf naked guys huvin a wee cuddle, but here’s some shit ye might need tae know.

  • Dolph Ziggler done a lot of shit that put him in dangerous positions, positions where he might accidentally have been put oot, cause he likes tae make us panic. Cheeky boay
  • Fandango put Big E oot, and looked set tae continue his own Mania streak, but he got cocky, hud a wee dance on the apron and got his chest caved in by Sheamus, before being gently nudged aff the apron.
  • Drew didnae win.
  • Cesaro launched Kofi over the top rope at the corner, and thats yer Kofi outta there eh…must be….unless, aw fuckin YASSSS. I’m only yassin cause this wis definitely my favourite Kofi spot yet. After that awkward lookin shiter at the Rumble, this yin wis so organic. He goes crashin aff the barricade, but his feet land at the bottom of the steps, meanin they never touched the floor meanin YASSSS.
  • The Miz, who main evented Wrestlemania 27, was eliminated by Santino Marellas sock puppet.
  • Del Rio superkicked Ziggler oot, and even though I like Del Rio…FUCK Del Rio.
  • Sheamus and Del Rio both went oot at the same time after gettin in a crossarmbreaker based tangle.

So then we were left wae two. Big Show and my main man Cesaro. Anycunt else but Cesaro in there wae him and I’d have said Show wis obviously winning it, but I dunno. This just felt like Cesaros night. Mick Foley called it in the pre-show anaw, this is Cesaros time, and when the opportunity presented itself, by fuck ye knew our man wis taking it. Him and Show battle for supremacy, wae Cesaro slingin uppercuts left and right, before trying and failing tae clothesline Show out. Show thinks he’s got the job done soon after, but Cesaro lands on the apron and fights back intae the ring. He then cements his legacy as the greatest (Swiss) man who ever lived when he picked the big bastard up, held him up there for a few seconds, before dumping the giant err the top rope. Cesaro is yer new king. All hail the pepperoni nipped king of WRESTLING. Fuck the king of swing, this man is the single greatest wrestler on the planet right now and if his future disnae contain one, two or aw the belts, I’m no gonnae be a happy cunt. Nae teasing. Nae giving him the big moment then daein fuck all wae it like yees done wae Ziggler. Its Cesaro time. All aboard the Ce-sa-roooooooooo train.

Bray Wyatt vs John Cena

Gorgeous. As beautiful an entrance as yer likely tae see as Bray and co enter tae a live performance of their theme. The only thing illuminating the darkness wis our collective glow in the dark stauner which began its ascent towards the skies as Bray took his first step down that aisle. Wis it time? Is John Cenas legacy actually in the balance right now? Its hard tae believe any other outcome makes sense. Surely this is where it has to happen. This is where Bray gets put over and he gets put over STRONG.

Side headlock taekdown starts us off, as Cena denies Brays request tae end this before it even got started. He sunk tae his knees and begged for it but Cena wis there tae fight. Ye cannae protect a legacy without flingin a punch. That’s just a fact of life mate. One day I fully expect tae see R-Truth protect his legacy as the best spinning kick slinger in the WWE and dye know how he’ll defend that legacy? hittin cunts wae spinning heel kicks.

Bray starts aff strong, but when he goes for the big splash in the corner Cena takes his magnificent heid clean aff wae a brutal lariat. Harper and Rowan dive on tae the apron tae see if Bray wants a haun re-attaching it, but he tells them tae simmer. “Ahve goat this boayzies, away n sit doon” were his exact words. Bray gets his heid back on straight and floors Cena wae a beauty of a throw, before climbing on top of him a gleefully delivering jabs. Hink he spat in his mooth anaw, but in a heavy cheeky way. Wisnae a sexual thing I don’t think, cause thats clatty. If yer intae that, I’m currently judging ye. D’ye feel that? Hopefully ye felt it as much as Cena felt the sleeper hold Bray had him in, as his beard nestled gently on top of Cenas perfectly rectangular heid. It’ll no end wae a sleeper, but a part of me kinda wanted it tae. Imagine seeing a legacy die off the back of a wee rest hold? That wid be the surrealist hing. Cena hits some shouldertackles, before the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen went n happened. This is why I’ve loved this feud fae the start, cause of the storytelling ma man. The dedication tae craftin a tale that so few have these days. This wis wrestling. The look of horror on Cenas face as he went for the 5 Knuckle Shuffle, only tae look roon and see Bray had stood up intae the crab walk…fuckin chilling. He wis so shook up by it that he caught a rock bottom esque move, followed by a splash in the corner. Cena counters another splash attempt wae the tornado DDT, before going up top for yon legdrop he does, but big Bray had other ideas as he caught him beautifully intae a powerbomb for a 2 count

Cena goes for a wee bitta 5 knuckle shufflin again, cept this time he didnae run the ropes, cause thats when ye get blindsided by crabwalkin monsters Cena mate. Best tae avoid that as much as ye can. Hits yer wee half arsed 5 knuckle shuffle, infact naw….im no calling it that cause he didnae dae the whole thing. For me its essential that ye go through the whole routine, or yer just no showing enough hustle, loyalty or respect for the move. Fuck me, thats dire patter. I cannae even mind whit I wis on aboot…AYE. We’ll call this hauf shift masquerading as a 5 knuckle shuffle “the haun drap” cause aw he done wis drap his haun on Brays face and that shit aint good enough brah. That shit will get ye DDT’d on the apron, and thats exactly whit followed as Bray hits a beezer of an apron DDT. Bray leads the crowd in a marvellous wee chorus of “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands” and in that wee moment, he fuckin did. He had this match in his hands anaw. Both physically and mentally, as Cena and Bray jostled on the top rope. Cena got the better of that though, and decides tae use the wee opening he gain tae dive on Harper and Rowan. Bray sneaks outside and whips Cena intae the steps in response, cause ye cannae take yer fuckin eye aff this cunt John. If anything this match should act as a learning experience for Cena when it comes tae dealin wae monsters. Disnae matter if they’re foamin at the gub, and cryin every word thats ever left yer mouth tae be a lie, its absolutely essential that ye keep yer fuckin eye on the cunt. Cena wrestles with his own concious as he hoists the steel steps above his heid ready tae decapitate Bray for the second time, but he decides against it. Cannae be settin that kind of example tae the weans John, taking a cunts heid aff once is fine, but twice is pressin yer luck.

Cena tosses him back in the ring, just in time tae catch that flying elbow that kinda looks like it kills folk. I think it might actually kill folk. Cena kicks out at 2 like, but this is a guy that could take a stunner right through the earths core n still kick out at 2. Harper delivers an extra cheeky wee kick tae Cenas chops whilst Rowan has the refs attention. That wis the one element I wisnae a fan of, whilst Bray seemed reluctant tae accept their help. Harper n Rowan were still meddling bastards throughout. No matter whit finish they had in mind, I’d have hand Harper n Rowan in a cage above the ring, n they get so frustrated wae no being able tae help, they start knockin fuck oot each other. Instead Harper gets himself a wee bit too involved and catches a spear through the barricade aff Cena. Back in the ring Cena reverses a Sister Abigail attempt intae his variation of the STF. Its the kind of STF where ye have a wee sit down on top of the guy yer daein it tae, without applying any kind of pressure n everyone has a nice time wae it. We break away fae that wee rest long enough for Bray tae hit SISTER ABIGAIL OUTTA NAEWHERE…aw my fuck, is this it? Course it fuckin isnae. This is John Cena, and unless that Sister Abigail wis delivered aff the top of the Eiffel Tower or suhin, its no gettin the job done. Bray decides tae fuck wae oor Cena’s mind a wee bit after that when he hands him a chair and urges him tae finish the job, but Cena uses the chair tae knock Rowan aff the apron instead. Bray comes close again wae a rollup, before gaun fur Sister Abigail number 2 tae finally put this cunt away, but of course he blocked it and hit the AA for the win. OF COURSE HE DID.

I wisnae as upset at the outcome as I thought I would be tbh, cause as long as ye gie me a match that makes my heart jump oot ma chest, ye’ve done it right. It would have made mare sense in the long run for Bray tae go over clean, but sometimes the good guy has tae prevail. Sometimes hings need tae be done tae send the weans hame happy. Bray’s Wrestlemania moment will come, but for now I think he’ll be more than content wae being one half of the match of the night.

The Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. We were supposed to be prepared. We were supposed to know. Someone should have sat us all down, dimmed the lights and whispered softly to us..”do not see this as the end….for those who have already perished, cannot die again”  Deid. Fuckin ruined. How did this happen? how was this allowed tae happen? A coffin wae the number 22 on it opens as Taker makes his entrance. He leaves it trailing in his wake and it catches fire. That’s when we should have known. The coffin wis never designed tae be filled.

I’m no gonnae say a lot about the match for two reasons. Firstly, it wis fuckin pish. Nae pace tae it whatsoever and more alarmingly, not one bit of chemistry between two guys who had hunners of it 10 years ago. Second reason I’m no gonnae say a lot about the match is because it disnae matter. Nothing about it does. It might aswell not have happened. Only thing the match proved is that Taker’s been hittin the sunbeds a wee bit too hard, cause the cunt wis fuckin beetroot. That’s when ye first smelled that somethin might be a bit aff here. The Undertaker should never be facing an adversary mare pale than him, its just wrang. Apron legdrop fae Taker wis the first time anything of note happened, and that wis a gid 5 minutes in. Snake-eyes is followed by an early chokeslam attempt, but thats turned intae an F5 attempt which Taker blocked. Sent himself flyin baws first intae the top turnbuckle after missing a big boot in the corner, ach I cannae dae it. I’m sorry. Its too much. I cannae recap the events in this match like I don’t know how it aw……I dont know how……sorry. I’m so so sorry. I just……..AH PROMISED MASELL AH WIDNAE GREET, BUT HERE IT COMES!

Its over.

Nae point delaying any longer. This is obviously whit I wis on about in the first wee bit anaw, but I swerved it for a giggle. Its done. After aw the beautiful matches the streak has brought wae it (its had its fair share of shiters anaw, but ye don’t mention the shite hings in a eulogy) it ended on a total fuckin shanner. A match that most folk had mentally switched aff tae cause it wis that shite. Ye just assumed that no matter how entertaining Heyman wis on the apron urging big Brock tae get the streak ended, that it wis aw just fluff. Filler. Ye assumed that no matter how many times Taker locked in Hells Gate, that he wisnae gonnae tap Brock out, but he’d get the job done eventually. Ye made the safe assumption that even after one F5 Taker wis fine. Two F5s wisnae cuttin it either. Kimora Lock might break wan arm, but theres always a spare. No matter how many heavy lookin German Suplexes Brock slung in Takers direction, the deadman’s not for turning (wisnae for jumping either, cunt wisnae sellin they suplexes for anycunt) The crowd were stone deid anaw, cause they assumed Taker wid come out on top. We aw did. Its one of they things ye can rely on. A banker. There’s two hings I’ve come tae rely on in life…the first yin is the fact that gid lookin burds will always turn me intae a suttering, sweaty palmed mess of a boay….and the second yin is the fuckin streak. Those are the two things that I’d come tae depend on. The ones that’ll never die.

One of them did though, and this isnae my way of announcing tae the world that I’m some suave cunt that’s in aboot aw ra burds, this is my way of telling ye that….naw I cannae say it. If I type it out then its somethin else…if I type it out then its…..real.

The streak….is deid. 

Taker hits one tombstone and ye assume that game over. 2 count. Heid scratcher. They dont usually kick out of that yin. Och well, gie it one mare go eh. Brock fights it though. Brock turns it intae his third F5 of the evening and Brock……won.

Simple as that. 1,2,3. Eat…sleep, pump Sable, pump Sable again, and if ye can find any spare time after aw that…beat the streak.

Astounding. I didnae speak or move for a good 10-15 minutes in the aftermath. Stunned silence. Nothing but confusion existed. Dejection. Simmering fury. Fuckin…..ye whit? Heyman screams in delirium… OH MY GOOOOOOOD! in that shrill tone only he knows how tae achieve. It happened. As well as he wis sellin it in the build up, even he didnae truly believe. How could anyone? It wisnae supposed tae end like this. We were supposed tae know. It was supposed tae propel a star for the future intae superstardom, and we were supposed tae fuckin see it coming. Bray Wyatt, Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, Cesaro…maybe even fuckin Daniel Bryan. Someone who it would make a huge difference tae. Someone who can help lead the company intae a vibrant new era where wrestling is king, so why the fuck did it have tae end tae a part timer who probably disnae gie a fuck? I like Brock Lesnar as a performer btw. Since that artwork him n Punk combined tae produce anyway, I’ve had plenty of time for the cunt but this wis just wrang. This is aw wrang. I feel like I shoulda known.

It’ll never be the same. You and I have known an era that our children never will. A reign of terror has died, the phenom is a wee bit less phenomenal today. Or maybe he’s not phenomenal ataw. Maybe thats the point. Maybe it wisnae supposed tae end wae hunners of fanfare, tae a guy who would stand in the middle of the ring and accept aw the acclaim fae the crowd, before helping Taker tae his feet and shaking hands with the legend he just dethroned. Maybe in this era that seems tae be focussing more on reality, it wid have tae be reality that saw Taker come unstuck, and in reality if Taker fought Brock Lesnar straight up, who’d win? Ye’d imagine Brock could quite literally tear Taker limb fae limb without breaking sweat, so maybe this is how he wanted it. He wanted the clearly more dominant and imposing man tae beat him, and make nae big fuss about it, so he could stoat up that ramp tellin gaun “dye see the size ae that cunt? ahm an auld man, nae chance I wis gettin the better ae that” I dunno why it started making more and more sense as the hours went by, but I still hate it. It deserved better. It at least deserved one more brilliant match, but maybe that’s still tae come for Taker. Without the streak hanging over it, maybe Taker vs Sting at WM31 will become a reality, and the focus will be on two of the most iconic figures tae ever lace up the boots, knockin fuck out each other.

Nothing will ever be the same.

AJ Lee defends the Divas Title against every burd on the roster

I dunno how tae describe this. Huvin tae pretend everything’s awrite after the horrors we were just exposed tae. Wid be like gaun for a shite right after ye see a car crash or suhin. Yer still daein a shite, its still the shame thing ye’ve done thousands of times but I dunno…it seems different. Thats how I’ll always remember this mess of a Divas match, as a post apocalyptic shite. There was a nice wee spot in the corner involving Natalya powerbombing folk that were in the middle of a suplex. Ya meddling wee mare, thats why I’m gonnae marry that wuman, cause she’s got a appetite for mischief, and more importantly…she said aye, I have proof…and thats legally binding. She has tae.

The Bellas actually had one of the better moments, when aw the other burds congregated outside the ring and they nailed them aw wae a double suicide dive, before turning on each other, wae Nikki hittin Brie with her finisher, but Layla n Alicia Foxxx remind us aw they exist by breaking up the pin. Nattie hits a braw half nelson suplex, but winds up battling wae Tamina on the outside and flooring her wae the Spinning Lariat, and while shes busy daein that…AJs busy tappin Naomi out wae the Black Widow tae somehow retain. 

Quite fitting that its a move called the Black Widow that brought the match tae its end, cause EVERYTHING IS DARKNESS. Whit the fuck just happened btw? Did the streak just end tae an part time MMA cunt or am I fuckin loassin my grip on reality? Never mind but eh, Daniel Bryan winning a shiny belt or twa will sort it aw.

First we had a wee backstage segment wae Hogan and Mr T facing off wae Piper and Paul Orndoff. The main event of WM1 re-enacted, wae mare amnesia n stuttering. Mr T pities the fool that tries tae mess wae his main man Hulk Hogan, and he pities the fool that disnae recognise his mother as a national treasure and a fuckin SAINT. Paul Orndoff looked like he’d spent every waking second since that WM1 Main Event smoking a pipe and practising his southern accent, cuttin aboot lookin lit Yosemite Sam or suhin meht. Anyway aye, nuhin wrang wae a wee bitta nostalgia, but ye have tae assume this wee bit wis filmed earlier in the day cause none of them seemed tae be greetin uncontrollably about Taker. Nice of Hogan tae show up again btw. I hope this isnae how he hosts everything he does cause that would be awffy shite if yer err at his for a wee dinner party or suhin and aw he does is welcomes ye at the door wae his two pals, before reading the menu wrang and fuckin off up the stair tae play Call of Duty for 4 hours. I spose they didnae want him and his awkwardness fuckin the show up, but at the same time, if yer gonnae host a party n fuck off right at the start, at least leave wine oot for yer guests tae help thersells tae. Or I dunno. I hink that started as a metaphor for suhin but it died on its arse, so I’ll get on wae reviewing the main event n that eh.

Randy Orton vs Batista vs Daniel Bryan (WWE World Heavyweight Title Match) 

This wis the only antidote. Nothing else could make it awrite apart fae the big payoff. Probably about 4 months too late right enough, but we aw needed it. Even if ye were backing somecunt else, and ye never really liked DBry or whitever, stop being a fanny and admit whit we aw know. Ye needed that burst of joy. A guy who’s just like me and you, if we were amazin at wrestling and grawin facial hair that ye want tae hide stuff in while he sleeps…a normal guy wae a smile that could light up the world in its darkest hour. Daniel Bryan, this is your time.

Before aw that it wis Batistas time tae take a back bump on tae the steel steps first, as his Batista Bomb attempt wis reversed by Orton. Orton wis fuckin marvellous in this match btw, and has been for months. Its a shame his reign had tae end, as its probably made his career. He wis lost in the shuffle for 3 or 4 years there, but as he stoated aboot backdropping cunts on tae barricades, ye knew ye were lookin at a worthy heel adversary tae the incredibly over face that Daniel Bryan is. They needed someone who ye could find yersell hating, but no enough that him being champion disnae compute. Its aw just worked, and it wis aw leading tae this moment.

DBry delivers aw the chest kicks tae both Orton and Batista, before hitting Bawheidsta wae the roundhouse; tries the same on Orton, but he gets caught and hit wae a t-bone suplex. At times it seems like DBrys in a handicap match here, but does he gie a fuck? Running dropkicks tae both Batista and Orton as they dwell in opposite corners wid suggest he does not, and so wis the Hurricanrana he hit Orton wae, before we finally get Orton and Batista actually fightin each other for a bit. I know eh? outlandish, but they went ahead wae it and Orton continued tae look strong when he hit Batista wae a superplex. DBry comes flyin outts naewhere wae the flying headbutt on Orton tae follow that up, and I dunno if this wis Benoit appreciation night or suhin, but he locks in the crossface after that. Trips n Steph urnae lettin this happen though, as they dive oot the crowd lookin migtily concerned. Trips pulls the ref oot, and replaces him wae a RINGER. Fuckin Scott Armstrong. No seen this cunt since I left a boot shaped hole in my tele when he done the dirty on DBry aw they months ago. Yer a nae good swine, and ye got whit wis comin tae ye when DBry knocked ye clean oot the ring, after kicking out of the Batista Bomb, leavin everycunt slack jawed. In a state of shock. Like they’d just seen the streak end or suhin. )

As Armstrong is helped tae his feet by Trips and his wench, they’re aw hit wae a suicide dive and for Trips, thats plenty. He pulls the sledgehammer oot and looks tae start diggin some holes wae it. Its buryin time! Dbry thwarts it but, as he continued tae battle aboot 15 bodies at the wan time. All of a sudden Batista n Orton seem tae come tae an unspoken agreement, and that wis an agreement based on nearly winchin when they leaned in close tae iron out the finer details, and it wis also an agreement tae come together and take Daniel Bryan out the equation. Their means of daein the wis a quite majestic wee spot, as Orton set up the steel stes next tae the middle announce table, Batista takes DBry on tae the table next tae it and up he goes for the Batista Bomb, only for Orton tae launch himself aff the steps and catch DBry in a neckbreaker. Cunts were calling it the RKO, but its the wrang way aboot for an RKO mate. That wid be like calling every normal neckbreaker the stunner or suhin. Don’t be faaaackin daft. Bryan didnae take the worst bump there though, as Orton didnae clear away the monitors n landed on one of them full force on the way doon. Coupla beltin big cuts on his back serve as a reminder that scripted is one thing, fake is another. Nuhin fake about yer back bein aw cut tae buggery.

A stretcher attempts tae take Daniel Bryan tae the back, but that wis never happenin wis it. We all know why we’re here guys. We’re here for the payoff, and it felt imminent. Daniel Bryan climbs aff the stretcher valiantly, only fur the nae eyes cretin tae drag him intae the ring and staun there. Bathing in Daniel Bryan chants and lookin every bit the face of the company he’s been hailed as. That wis the first time I looked at the cunt n thought “dye know whit? maybe they were right aw along, he’s an impressive, incredibly oily man so he is” But his incredibly oily boady found itself eatin a yes lock after that, and Batista had a wee taste of that anaw before Orton broke up that perty. Baista blocks the RKO, and goes for the spear but mad Orton leapfrogged it and his momentum caried him aw the way through tae DBry. Unfortunately his momentum couldnae carry him tae a haufway passable spear, cause once a-fuckin-gain he caught DBry near the neck area. This was by far and away Bawheids best performance in a match since comin back, even though he wis blawin oot his erse as usual 2 minutes in, but theres nae excuse for that fuckin spear man. Nane ataw. Roman Reigns must roll aboot the floor laughin his majestic heid aff whenever the cunt busts it oot. Theres nae shame in askin for a wee bit of guidance Dave meht. I’m sure if ye asked Roman nicely, and tellt the world how much ye believe in The Shield he’d gie ye some pointers, but listen. Orton hits the RKO on big Dave and it didnae put him away, so we were comin close tae the grand finale. Strap yersells in. Here we go. Life’s about tae shatter intae a thousand pieces, we’ll be cut tae ribbons but will we care? will we fuck.

Orton tries tae go full Viper wae the punt, but DBry appears outta naewhere and hits him wae the flying knee…is this it? It might well be, but no the way we want, as Batista slings DBry oot the ring and goes for the cover himself. 2 count. Thank fuck. Batista gets right pissed off wae that set of circumstances and decides its Batista Bomb time, but before he gets the chance tae cover Orton….WHAMMY. Flying Knee tae the melt. YES! Lock, and Batista’s left beggin for mercy fae our lord and savior. Cesaro didnae answer his prayers on this occasion but, as he tapped oot tae leave Daniel Bryan wae aw the triumph.

Daniel Bryans first true reign as World Champion begins the day, and wae kickpads as furry as his beautiful face, we got tae witness him take it aw in. Well deserved. I’ve nae patter other than that. It made me well up and whilst the Taker shock took a tiny wee bit of shine aff ae it, it wis still wonderful. True heroism fuckin lives, and it stands at a 5 foot 8, barely 200 pounds and resembles a pocket sized Yeti, but it fuckin LIVES.

Wrestlemania 30 wis too much. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing. I’d gie it 9 tombstones outta 10 if I wis alive, but I’m no. Its left me an empty shell. Skin, bones and a nervous disposition is aw that remains.

My favourite moment personally wis probably Cesaro wnning the battle royal. It felt like somethin significant tae me. The start of something huge for him and his almost unfathomable talents. DBry winning will forever huv a wee bitta sareness attached tae it cause for fuck sake. The streak is dead.

Long live the deadman.

takkk

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