WWE RAW Review 14/04/2014

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I don’t think the news about Warrior really hit me until RAW kicked off this week. I know that’s daft, but I think it kinda went by in a haze for me personally. He’s no been a lasting favourite of mine. I remember being daft on him when I was wee, but as things started tae emerge about how he wis as a person, I found myself soured towards him. Ye’d like tae think a lot of that anger and resentment built up from his acrimonious relationship wae a business he once loved, but it still disnae excuse some of his more radical comments as a public speaker. That being said, its unquestionable that The Ultimate Warrior was a huge influence on professional wrestling, and pop culture in general. I know this’ll sound daft, but the reason I know that for certain is the simple fact that my maw remembers him. She remembers 3 wrestlers from back in the days when I used tae sit in the living room, watchin Summerslam 90 every other day, and the three are Hulk Hogan, The Undertaker and THEEEE ULTIMATE WARRRRRIOR. That says a lot tae me. A wee wuman wae nae interest in pro wrestling whatsoever. Sees it as a joke. But Warrior stuck in her mind. I don’t think ye could fail tae notice the boundless energy and enthusiasm he injected intae his work, and whilst he wis never a very good wrestler, he was involved in some of my favourite matches of the early 90s. Obviously that stoater wae Hogan where he won the WWE Title, but my personal favourite is the Steel Cage match wae Rick Rude at Summerslam 90. A beauty of a match, underrated as fuck. Anyway, I went away on a tangent there, but the point is. Warrior is clearly an inconic figure in wrestling history, and to see him pass away days after he finally made his peace with WWE after being inducted into the HoF…its saddening. More importantly he leaves two young daughters and a wife behind, so no matter what you thought of him as a person and a wrestler, that’s the main thing ye need tae remember. His family need tae adjust tae a life without him in it. The roster gathered on the stage tae watch a beautiful video package detailing his life and career, including the part of his HoF speech which seen him bring his two young daughters on stage and tell them that being their da will always be his greatest achievement. 3 days later he was deid. Fuckin…..there’s nae words. Wee Nattie and Cody Rhodes bawlin their hearts oot on stage anaw. R.I.P Ultimate Warrior.

Bert Del Rio vs Bert Van Dam (IC #1 Contenders Tournament QF Match)

Och whit a lovely wee feud this wis when ADR had the World Heavyweight Belt. It’s a shame tae see them both reduced tae the midcard, cause I’m intae them both in a lot of ways, but this is probably where they belong at this stage of their careers. The match wis ok. We seen Big E watching it on a monitor backstage n he looked slightly concerned. Had a wee dose of the nipple shyness anaw, and he wis coverin the left wan wae that belt. Never mind that patter big yin, show’s the goods. Van Dam misses a moonsault aff the apron and gets caught wae a big lariat fae Del Rio on the outside. Didnae even have time tae pick his teeth up aff the deck before Del Rio sent him fleein intae the barrier. Van Dam hits rolling thunder, but his momentum’s derailed by a smasher of a DDT. Van Dam gets catapulted intae the corner but tries tae turn it intae a springboard kick tae the chops, only tae completely miss Del Rio. Whit a silly wee stoned sausage he is. He says he needed a break fae wrestling so he could heal up physically and spiritually, but we aw know that means he just smoked a lotta weed and ate a lotta greasy cheeseburgers. Cunt wis leavin pitstains aw err the mat, but the match wis still decent apart fae that botched kick. Van Dam goes for the split legged moonsault but Del Rio gets the knees up, then used the very same knees (well hes no gonnae use anycunt eles is he?) tae hit the Backstabber for a two count. Made the mistake of going up top after that and being caught wae a spinning heel kick on the way down. Van Dam goes up top lookin for the frog splash, but gets sent baws first intae the the turnbuckle, and thats followed by a big kick tae the heid by Del Rio for another two count. Del Rio stamps aboot lookin upset for a while cause that didnae get the job done, but he took his eye off the ball and efter a failed Cross Armbreaker attempt, Van Dam winds up hittin the 5 Star Frog Splash for the win.
He advances tae the Semi-Finals of this IC Title #1 Contenders tournament, and now he gets tae go up the road n eat they flumps he wis keepin for a special occasion. This is it ma man. Ye made it tae the big time. Only two more matches tae win before ye get a SHOT of the IC Belt. Ye must be overwhelmed. Still nice tae see the placing such an emphasis on a belt that Warrior wis a big part of making prestigious in the first place.

Another wee Warrior segment. Showin ye his first IC Title win at Summerslam 88 in Madison Square Garden. Made me misty eyed so it did. 

Trips trying tae persuade Bawheidsta and the man without eyes or belts tae come together wae him and reform Evolution so they can batter The Shield. Here’s the problem wae that but. Randy n Dave aint got time for it. They want belts and they want them now. Shield urnae their problem…well, no yet anyway.

Rybaxel vs The Rhodezies

Gid wee match. Pretty much the usual story between these two teams. Seems that yer Rybaxel are getting a wee push though, and I’m no mad at it tbh. There’s something about them that disnae click as singles wrestlers, but as a team they dae a decent job. I liked the finish anaw, as Cody goes through his usual springboard dropkickin, monkey flippin routine. Hits the Disaster Kick on Axel bit when he goes for it on Ryback, the big guy near decapitates him wae a clothesline and that gets them the win. I always fuckin despised his clothesline, but it looked no bad there. Maybe Cody just sold the shite oot it, but aye. Decent wee match, but perhaps a wee bit pointless in the grand scheme of things unless Rybaxel are gonnae be the main boys feudin wae The Usos.

Paige vs Alicia Foxx

Loved this. Alicia Foxx is hugely underrated and even though ye know fine well she’s there tae dae a spot of jobbin, Hits a beauty of a tilt-o-whirl backbreaker, followed by a gutwrech backbreaker and a wee northern lights suplex for the two count. Paige is gettin a bit of a doing, but she rallies wae a succession of clotheslines followed by a dropkick, and she done a mad scream when she wis daein it which gied me rumblings in the trooser department. Paige gets the Scorpion Crosslock in after that and ye ken thats lights oot. Poor Alicia is tappin harder than yer jakey son the day before Giro day so she wis. Gid wee match though. Short but refreshingly cohesive considering the usual shite ye get fae the Divas on RAW. 8 wuman tags involving that walking heidnip Eva Marie leakin syphilis aw err the apron n aw that shite.

The Usos vs Ortista

Nae point even reviewing whit we got in terms of a match, cause unfortunately it wisnae important. Kinda missing a trick no making The Usos mare prominent in this angle. They seem tae be cannon fodder before the real shit kicks aff, but they fared quite well here. I suppose it’s a good thing that they’re in amongst it wae two guys who just main evented Mania. The Usos send Nae Belts and Nae Talent tae the outside before daein that thing where they dive on cunts. Then Jimmy shakes the top rope like Warrior, gaun for the cheeky wee cheap pop. Other shit happens, but who gies a shite really? It’s aw leading tae The Shield coming doon and causing aw the havoc. Batista n Orton don’t think The Shield are their problem? Well The Shield were hell bent on making themselves a problem tae these fandans. I think a wee part of whit prompted it wis big Reignsy seein his wee cousins get a doing n he wis lit “aw haud yer horses guys..this isnae on, my maw will huv ma guts for garters if I let these clowns keep gettin smashes” so he jumped oot tae launch the cunt intae a barricade, before the Hounds circled on the Animal. He fights them aff at first, but once he clears Ambrose and Rollins oot he’s left chewin oan his falsters when Reignsy near knocks him out wae a Superman Punch. Ye knew there and then that Evolution were reforming though, and I wisnae quite sure how intae that I was. I missed most of their first run and aside fae Flair(who isnae involved) I’ve got nae great amount of love for any of them as individuals. We’ll see how it pans out eh. Now its time for ye tae just shht and enjoy.

Paul Heyman has single-handedly made The Streak ending legit. He’s single-handedly made it less sare. He’s done that wae words. Just talking about it, bragging about it. Driving the point home. The Undertaker lost at Mania and dye know whit? It wisnae even spectacular. The match wis slow and aimless, and the finish wis anti climatic. But Heyman’s making it work. Then after his beautiful wee speech about Takers streak ending he brings Cesaro oot. Nae music either. Cause d’ye know whit? when ye’ve got Heymans words, and a jaiket that’s the living embodiment of Disco, ye dont fuckin need any music. 

Cesaro vs Mark Henry (IC Title Tournament Match)

Mark Henry is my main man. It’s a shame tae see him jobbing like fuck these days, and it truly bothers the shite oot me that his marvellous promo work last year when he “retired” has led tae…nothing. Total shite so it is, he must be so frustrated. Sometimes I like tae tweet Mark Henry wae pictures of me sitting wae a cardboard cut-out of him huvin a beer and sharing a giggle, and d’ye know whit? He’s smiling in the cut-out so he is. He’s a happy Henry, and thats the way he should be aw the time. The world needs a happy Mark Henry, but how can ye be happy when Cesaro keeps scuddin yer jaw wae uppercuts? Henry responds wae a big clothesline, before gaun for the Worlds Strongest Slam, but Cesaro fights oot and hits him wae a beauty of an uppercut aff the middle rope before unbelievably gettin Henry up for The Neautralizer and plantin him melt first on the mat. Sare on the heart and sare on the face. I wish ye better luck in the future Mark ma man. We’ll catch a pint the next time yer through in this neck ae the wids.

Rusev vs Xavier Woods

Xavier Woods got squashesd so hard he turned intae Xavier Paper. Ye get it? Aye….I think ye get it. I basically write aw the fuckin jokes for these reviews when I livetweet RAW n hope naecunt notices its recycled patter. Well I say I hope nae cunt notices but here I’m drawing yer attention tae it like a tube. Know whit else I’d like tae draw yer attention tae? The fact that I want Lana tae dig her nails intae me, and then possibly bite me if she’s intae it. Oh and Rusev battered fuck outta Woods, and made him tap within about a minute wae the Camel Clutch, then done the same tae R-Truth when he came in tae see if his pal wis awrite. Shouldnae have attacked the big cunt but Truth, thats not clear thinkin ma man. Ye could weld Truth and Woods together and ye widnae huv a cunt even hauf as wide as this big Bulgarian tank. He’s a big unit so he is. Impressing me more every week, but there’s still somethin no clickin. Cannae put my finger on whit it is, but if I dae…you’ll be the first wan tae know. I know yer on the edge of yer seat n that.

Jack Swagger vs Sheamus (yon IC tournament, ye know the one im on aboot eh? Good)

Enjoyable wee match. Was nice tae see Swagger looking strong early on, hitting yon over the shoulder suplex thing he does on the outside and a braw belly to belly back in the ring. Sheamus wis always winning though. I cannae recall him losing a singles match since he came back. Maybe drapped one of the 50 matches he had wae Christian but that’s about it. He seems tae be getting a push tae naewhere in particular. Like they’re content tae have him keep winning, but they don’t seem tae be daein fuck all of significance we him. He strings together a series of high knees, before daein yon chest beating spot on the apron. Swagger gets The Patriot Lock in and he’s got it in tight ma man, actually looks like big ginge is on the verge of tapping, but of course he fights out of it. They huv a wee rammy on the outside, before Swagger tosses Sheamus back in and runs right intae a beauty of a Brogue Kick tae gie The Sheamster the win. Pick up the bottom hauf ae yer jaw on the road oot Jack ma man, cause yer done.

Sheamus sells the shite ootae that patriot lock anaw. Limpin like naebdys business on his way up the ramp. Ye can calm it wae that eh big yin, wisnae THAT sare.

Damien Sandow says some beautiful words

This could easily have been a shoot promo eh? Sandow talkin about it disnae matter what anyone thinks of him in the back or in the audience, he deserves better. He deserves belts. He deserves respect. He’s a former MITB winner and the proud owner of a cheeky wee beard and a heavy cute attitude. Nah but, its a fuckin shame what they’ve done with him over the past few months. Turned a potentially credible world title contender intae a naecunt jobber. Big Show emerges tae interrupt him like the spoling big nappy wearing shite he is, but oor Damo refuses tae stop talking during Shows entrance, cause he’s an independent man, wae an erse that wont quit, and mooth that wont stop running. Even tells Show that HE knows that Sandow deserves better, and Show disnae seem tae be arguing. Then he kinda knocked him out, which I spose is a form of argument but listen..Sandow got mic time, and thats not a bad thing…whit is it DDP?

dddddp

 

Cena and Wyatt Promo

Fuckin still raging at this drivel. No even gonnae re-watch it and enrage mysell more. Basically Wyatt does his usual capitvating shit. Calling Cena aw the bastards. He’s still a monster. He’s still a beast. Bray has him right where he wants him and even though he took the loss at Mania, the match itself wis another gentle nudge in the direction of utter madness for Cena. He’s gonnae get consumed by it soon enough, as Bray proclaims that Abigail will be his sword in this crusade. Then Cena has tae come oot and fuckin ruin it eh?

I’m no even daein it. I cannae. I’ll just throw suhin and batter my heid aff a wall tae its no even a heid anymore. Somedy will need tae weld a cardboard box ontae my neck, and we’ll keep aw the wee bits of brain matter I’ve got left in there. Whit the fuck? Cena talks about having some fun, n he brings up a photie of Sister Abigail he supposedly found oan fuckin myspace. Its just Bray wae a hat oan. He brings up mocked up photies of Harper and Rowan next. Kiddin on its Brays maw or suhin. Says he found them on Tinder. Fuckin tinder reference. People were laughing at this patter man. Actually laughing. The post Mania RAW crowd would have booed this shite oo the building, but without a healthy amount of apathetic Brits in the crowd, this nonsense wis actually fuckin workin.

I dunno if this was designed to make me hate Cena, I really dunno. I like Cena, I respect him as a wrestler and as a man. He’s a crackin ambassador for the WWE and wrestling in general, but theres also that ego there. That deep seeded desire tae always be the main guy. Always in the spotlight. Trying tae make a potential legend look daft. That’s whit Bray is if they use him right. Potentially a legend. There possibilities with this gimmick are endless when ye consider the talents of the man carrying it. He handles that awful patter fae Cena well though. Brushes it off and asks him if thats aw he’s got. All he can do is joke when faced wae a genuine threat. Cena finally gets serious, and tells Bray he knows fine well whit happens when he gets serious. When Cena gets serious, Bray gets beat, and without his two pals he’s fuck all. See if that wis just the whole promo and we didnae have that titantron laden cringefest at the start? It woulda been braw. Cause there’s nae arguement for that really. Cena did get the job done when it mattered, and he done that even wae Harper and Rowan being a coupla rascals and trying tae stick their beards in his business. So it aw leads tae him challenging Bray tae a Steel Cage match as Extreme Rules and ye ken aswell as I dae, Bray is INTAE that. Chance tae batter Cena senseless without any distractions. Nae stupit lumbering Rowans staunin on the apron aimlessly, and nae Luke Harper gettin confused n trying tae dae suicide dives INTAE the ring. None of that kerry oan. A Bray Wyatt beatdown, followed by him opening the door and skipping oot the cage intae Sister Abigails warm embrace.

Layla and Fandango vs Emma and Santino

Bleagh tae this shanner of a match happening again, but YAAASS tae Layla and Fandango winning. Loving them as a team, cause it makes Layla relevant and frees Summer up tae get wired right intae the divas division. But aye. Emma goes up top and Fandango looks lit he’s shimmyin over tae touch her tender places, but Santino intervenes, only for Layla tae sweep Emma aff the top rope and pin her. Sare dunt for Emma, but thats life.

Steph gies Kane a row for his recent tomfoolery and hi-jinks. Scalding Kane. Kane’s a fuckin monster, yer cannae gie a performance evaluation tae a fuckin monster. She shouts right in his face for a while, and yer hoping Kane suddenly morphs intae auld school 1999 Kane. Or better yet. Isaac Yankem DDS. Steph looks like a burd who takes pride in her molars, so yank the cunts right oot n weld them tae yer knuckles so ye can batter Triple H wae his ain wifes teeth. Or ye could just put yer mask back on and be a monster again, which seemed tae be the option Kane was taking. 

Dolph Ziggler vs Bad News Barrett (Yon IC tournie)

Match of the night easily, and probably one of the better matches of the year. Seems daft that Barretts been on the shelf so long in wrestling terms, cause he’s in the shape of his life and looks sharp as fuck. Lovely snap suplex fae Barrett early on. Sexy wee heidlock fae Ziggler followed, as he whispered sweet nothings intae Barretts ear before Barrett slung him intae the corner with a hard irish whip. Barrett gets cheeky and gets tae choking Ziggler on the top rope, but Dolph responds wae a smashin dropkick. They exchange stiff right, before Zigger is slung in the direction of the ring post. Ziggler goes intae maniacal mode after that, hitting a belter of a crossbody, before smashin the shite outta Barrett wae some jabs up the top rope. Barrett battles back intae the ascendency, and goes for a pumphandle slam, but Dolph blocks it and delivers some bad news tae Barrett in the form of a fame-asser (yer weekly apology for how shite ma patter is here…I’m so so sorry…NAT) But the fame-asser only gets a two count, so Dolph moves on tae X-Pacs finisher this time, hittin the X-Factor aff the top rope for a two count.  Barrett takes over for good after hitting a fuckin spine tinglingly gid Winds of Change, before a wee back and forth led tae a spectacular Bullhammer Elbow tae knock Dolph clean oot for the win.

Wade tells us he’s got some Bad News, but aw he said was that he’s gonnae be the next IC Champion. I think yer mixing bad news up wae good news there Wade ma man.

The Shield vs Aw The Heels

I genuinely think they just couldnae be booking something here. It got tae 5 minutes before the main event and one of the producers turned n went “Here Trips, who we sendin oot here?”  n Trips stirred fae his early evening nap n went “Ach fuck it…send oot the heels” and oot they aw came. Every midcard heel ye could think of in the main event of RAW. It wis quote beautiful in a lot of ways. 3MB were oot, and when 3MB come oot tae dae things, that means Drew Mcintyre comes oot tae dae things, meaning Drew McIntyre pretty much single handedly main evented RAW. Rybaxel were oot for a shot aswell, as with Rusev, Barrett, Fandango, Del Rio and I’m sure some other cunts anaw. Aye Titus and Jack Swagger. So 11 on 3 it wis. Know whit I noticed anaw? Drew didnae stand wae his 3MBrothers on the apron, he stood next tae his besto mad Bert Del Rio. Probably talking strategy for their post RAW pub crawl/burd wrangling sesh. Anyway aye, all 11 heels get a wee shot each, before deciding tae sack it and gang up on yer Shield boays. It wis Reignsy that started it actually, when he snuck round the side of the ring as he so often does and near enough haufed Ryback wae a spear, but the numbers catches up wae the and they wind up taking a doing.

Then it happened.

I think I mibbe introduce significant things wae “then it happened” too much, but it did. It did happen. That thing.

Evolution (minus Flair) have reformed. Ye know why they’ve reformed guys? Cause fuck all else worked wae Batista. Naecunt cared about him as a face, and he wis seen as a skinny jean ripping, slanty diddied joke as a heel, so now he’s in Evolution again. None of this makes sense tae me really. Unless they’re re-forming properly, and Trips takes the Flair role, wae another youngster being added, it aw feels like just something tae dae. Orton and Batista were probably gonnae go stale now they’re out of the title picture. It bored me tbh. Cunts taking Batista Bombs and RKOs, before we got that Batista Bomb intae an RKO spot again (im not calling it an RKO, its a neckbreaker…a lazy neckbreaker at that…im gonae call it the neckbreaker fae a hammock) Reignsy is knocked just about clean oot, but he pulls himself tae his feet via The Beaks troosers as he screams obscenities in his face, whispers “Believe In Evolution” in Reignsys ear and delivers a ferocious pedigree.

Know who stole that segement btw? I’ll sound like a fuckin broken record here, but it wis Dean Ambrose mate. The cut tae him slumped in the corner wae his heid propped up against the bottom turnuckle and that shit wis bananas. Sold it wonderfully, so ye can stick yer nearly Evolution reunion up yer fuckin arse. Believe in Dean Ambrose.

RAW wis awrite. I liked all the IC Title Tourney matches, Dolph vs Barrett in particular, and I enjoy Paige vs Alicia, Brays words, Cesaro and Heyman, amongst other things. Wisnae intae Cenas pish, a lot of the main event segment, but the Warrior video tae kick things off was a stoater. As usual WWE outdone themselves in that regard, and for its overall gidness I’ll give RAW 7 Michinoku Drivers outta 10.

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