WWE RAW Review 21/04/2014

For a lot of people pro wrestling blurs the line between entertainment and reality. Its an escape. A way tae leave the troubles you experience in every day life behind, and life vicariously through these superheroes. Superheroes who make a living fae kicking fuck outta their fellow superheroes, in a co-ordinated but chaotic way. Its organised chaos and at its best its fuckin captivating. It can make ye completely forget that this is all just a show. Ye become entrenched in these storylines, to the point of near delirium. It draws ye in, it makes ye believe obscene things to be true, and allows ye tae deny the blatantly obvious as it stares you in the face. Daniel Bryan has always been quite special in that regard, as he comes across as the everyman. A guy of average height and build, just like me and you (well he’s got smaller diddies than me, and probably didnae spend his Tuesday scrannin Jaffa Cakes, but thats no important right now) so the attachment tae him is a wee bit more real. When he was getting pumped fae aw angles in his pursuit of the WWE World Heavyweight Title ye felt like it was a personal slight, and when he finally prevailed at Mania, even if ye weren’t his biggest fan ye felt….somethin. A degree of pride. A happiness for him as a man, and as a wrestler, so when he came down the ramp tae start this weeks RAW, on the verge of tears, with his new wife Brie Bella waiting in the ring for him, yer heart just bled for the poor cunt. A wonderful 2 weeks, which should have been the launchpad for the best years of his professional and personal life, but life sometimes disnae want tae play ball.

There’s never a good time tae learn of the passing of a loved one, but when its someone as significant as yer father, and it comes at a time where pretty much everything ye could possibly want in life seems to be finally coming to fruition, its got tae be fuckin. I dunno. There’s nae words that dae it justice really, and while I admire his dedication for appearing on RAW at all this week, ye have to assume it was more of a tribute to his fathers memory than an overbearing love for the wrestling business, cause at times like these…the business just disnae matter. None of it does. Its a job at the end of the day. One Daniel Bryan does better than most, but one that really disnae matter a fuck. Get yersell up the road and gie yer wee mammy a cuddle Daniel san.

The segment was good and made hunners of sense, but I’ll no go on about it too much cause it just disnae matter. The pain etched on DBrys face as him and his new wife saluted the crowd in YES! chants wis heartbreaking, but perhaps it had never been more fitting as he thrust his fingers towards the heavens wae a wee bit more gusto than usual. . It was almost an act of staunch definace from DBry. Staunin out there in front of all those people, taking tombstone after tombstone from Kane, and huvin tae listen while Steph almost rips the pish out him as he gets wheeled up the aisle on a stretcher, when he probably just wanted tae go home. His auld da would have been proud of him. Basically the purpose of the segment was tae announce Daniel Bryan vs Kane for Extreme Rules, and the tombstones (one outside the ring, one on the steel steps and one on the announce table just incase yer wondering) helped sell Kane as a monster once again, but none of it mattered. What matters is that oor DBry is given as much time off as he needs.

Sheamus vs Wade Barrett – (IC Title #1 Contenders Tournament)

Stoater of a match. Proper hard hitting belter between two scary big bastards who’ve been knockin lumps out each other since they were in short troosers. This match summed wrestling up for me. An English, Royal loving, Rangers supporting big wank wis up against a pale Ginger Irishman, and I wanted the English guy tae knock his cunt in. I’m a disgrace tae Tims across the globe, but dae I look like I gie a fuck? I know ye cannae see me, but rest assured.. I gie nae fucks. Nane. Nanty. Nada.
Stoater of a match. Aw the usuals fae Sheamus, including that Irish Curse Backbreaker, and yon chest beating spot that I am currently indifferent too…naw really, its fine…its just a….FUCK THAT FUCKIN SPOT, RIGHT IN ITS FUCKIN STUPID MELT….sorry, I blacked out for a wee second there. Anyway. Wade hits that wee beauty of a move he cries Winds Of Change, which is basically the Bossman Slam on eccies. Ferocious move, but it didnae quite get the 3 count. Barrett goes uptae the second rope in an attempt tae get the job done but he’s caught, and planted wae White Noise. Two count for that Sheamy son, nae luck, but there’s nae beating this smug big bastard the day. He’s comin for Big Es diddy protector.

Sheamus hits Barrett wae a clothesline near the ropes, which sends both these big bastardin bruisers tae the outside. Sheamus pokes his heid oot through the middle rope tae see is Wade wants tae come back in the ring tae play but he gets knocked spark out by the BULLHAYMURRR, and Bad News Barrett advances tae the final wae a fuckin CLEAN win over Sheamus. I don’t think he’s been beat clean in a singles match since coming back, so fair fucks tae them, they’re giving Barrett the push he deserves. His gimmick is over as fuck and he’s never been better in the ring, so I’m intae it. Wade for champ. Aw the belts.

Bray and the boys make a wee surprise appearance on the stage. Spine chilling words fae Bray. I feel like I say the same shit every week about this genius, but it never wavers. It never drops below magnificence, and thats why I would quite happily drag mysell baws first through broken glass tae hear this cunt phone himself a pizza. He’s talking about a vote on the app and its breathtaking. I mean ffs. Thats just no real. We have the choice between Cena vs Harper, Cena vs Harper and Rowan OR Cena vs The whole Wyatt clan. Bray and his wonder included. He calls upon his brothers and sisters to join him in a chorus of “He’s got the whole world in his hands” and the Baltimore crowd actually get above a fuckin whimper for it. Boring bunch of bastards. Mare like BaltiSNORE amiright? Anyway, he tells Cena naebody likes him, naebody loves him and he should away n eat a fuckin worm or suhin. Lovely stuff as per.

2.5 MB vs Los Matadores and El Torito

The best part about this wis JBL calling it a 5 man tag. Whole thing wis a nonsense. Well I didnae mind it tae the finish. We had Torito and Hornswoggle slapping each other daft, and having a right gid wee guy wrestle, so why the fuck did it end wae the wee bull pinning Drew? I mean cmon tae fuck, look at the shape the cunt’s in. This is a man fae Scotland. A country where folk think tanning a whole bottle ah Ketchup is a legit way tae get yer 5 a day. Drew McIntrye is a pioneer and he deserves better. I’m no happy guys, and the shite that followed didnae improve my mood any.

Evolution is a mystery naecunt can be fucked solving

Ach I’m just no intae it. I missed a fair amount of their first run, so maybe its not as special tae me as it might be, but it all seems forced. Its happening cause in pretty much any other scenario ye put Batista in, he comes out of it looking like the laughing stock he is. As a face naecunt cared, as a heel he didnae get heel heat, he got heat for being shite and ripping the arse oot his jeans, as a member of Evolution he’s just kinda…there. Orton on the other hand seems tae be thriving in an environment where he’s allowed tae wear trousers, and takes that conviction that comes wae having pockets intae his promo work. First and foremost we had Triple H wae a frog in his throat talking one pile of croaky shite. Ortons words were shite anaw, and dont gt me started on Big Dave. See if ye need tae keep SAYING that yer group is fierce and dominant, that probably means ye arent anymore. They’ve lost their allure. Nae…cunt…gies…a…fuck.

The Shield came oot and the fandans fled up the aisle, before Dean Ambrose got on the mic and captivated me. He comes right at Triple H, and asks him if they look humbled, and caws Orton a creampuff. It was essentially an amalgamation of The Iron Sheiks tweet history, delivered in that unerringly beautiful Dean Ambrose way. Then Seth Rollins took the mic aff him like the meddling wank that he is, but his words were good. Full of conviction. Passes the mic tae his man Roman Reigns, cause Roman got suhin tae say. He’s gonnae run through these cunts, one after the other, slingin spears aw fuckin day (that wis supposed tae be a rhyme, did it work? Imagine it tae the tune of Rappers Delight) Roman asks the cunts for a square go, but they’re no fur it ataw. Trips has got a wee sore throat, and an army behind him, as aw the heels fae last weeks man even come oot tae provide hauners. Oscar The Game gets on the mic again and chats some croaky noise and that wis that. Boring as fuck segment tae me. If these fannies urnae putting The Shield over at Extreme Rules, this shit can get tae.

The Usos vs The Rhodezies

We get a wee Total Divas flashback, but I didnae mind it cause it showed one of my favourite boayzies gettin merrit tae his sweetheart. Jey made an honest wuman out of oor Naomi, and as a result I will be referring tae her as Naomi Uso from here on out. Anyway, this was a predictably decent encounter. Wae aw the high flying patter fae Cody and ma Usos. Missile dropkick fae Cody early on hit the mark, before Jey Uso launched Cody in the air and Jimmy spiked his dome ontae the rop rope. Rybaxel were on commentary, and Ryback wis strangely hilarious again. I cannae believe I’m starting tae fuckin like Ryback btw. Honestly sickening mysell even typing. Fuckin hell. Anyway, Goldy catches a superkick, Cody catching the offending Uso for the crossrhodes, but the other Uso then decided tae knock Cody oot wae a Superkick, leaving us wae a couple of sparkled Rhodezies, and another win for the Tag Champs. 

Cody appears tae be blaming Goldy for the loss, and he storms aff in a creamer. Wisnae his fault ye got yer jaw dislodged wae a superkick big yin. Simmer. Rybaxel battered ma Usos after it anaw, but I dunno…for some reason I’m intae this feud and I find Rybaxel oddly endearing considering how little I thought of them as singles. An Uso catches a shellshock and Rybaxel head up the road. A job well done.

Layla vs Emma

So aye. This happened. I dont understand any of this. The Summer Rae/Layla switch I’m no completely annoyed at as long as it leads tae good things for Summer Rae on her ain, but shes no been seen ataw since the switch so fuck knows. Emma won this by pulling oot her lady cobra and striking Layla’s face wae it. Make of that what ye will.

Cena on promo duty. Standard Cena fare. Didnae make me cringe as much as last weeks, but it was still pretty pish. Empty. A nothing promo. “My name’s John Cena, and I’m strong and tough” aye turn the record err big yin. 

Cesaro vs RVD (Yon IC Title Tournament thing, ye know the wan?)

A few things.

  • Cesaro’s got a new tune and its fuckin…I dunno whit it is. Dominant? I’ve been told its like Perry Saturns tune but I honestly cannae mind it that well. The point is, I really like Cesaros jaiket.
  • Paul Heyman is the advocate for Cesaro. He also has another client.
  • Seriously he did
  • Naw really, he ended it. It happened.

(they fuckin cut tae an ad when Heyman wis mid sentence btw, and whoever wis responsible for that needs sacked/hung, drawn and quartered)

I love RVD and his run last year was excellent, but so far this time round he’s been pish. Sluggish and near perspiring tae death within minutes of his matches starting. It felt like RVD wis sandbaggin fuckin everything. In particular a tilt o whirl backbreaker which took about hauf an hour tae complete. Cesaro catches a straight kick tae the jaw, before Cesaro hit a suplex. Gutwrench suplex, and some light baw grazing on the back of RVDs heid followed, before and uppercut sent RVD tae the flair. He decided tae fire a wee middle rope elbow drop in there anaw, cause thats just how he goes about his business. Kicks n punches n that fae RVD, followed by some Rolling Thunder. He goes up top for thon 5 sterr freg splesh, but he gets his heid near took aff by a uppercut. After a quick jostle, RVD eventually hits the split legged moonsault for a 2 count. RVD gets caught being a sly wee fly kickin midden and wae his leg suspended on the top rope, Cesaro near killed him wae another uppercut. Kinda botched double underhook powerbomb after that, but again it looked a lot like RVD sandbagged it tae fuck. Then yer Jack Swagger emerged, and thats when ye knew shenanigans were afoot. Doon came Swagger for a wee standoff wae Cesaro, but as RVD looked tae take advantage and launch himself at Cesaro, oor Tony caught him wae a mid air uppercut.

The whole thing got a bit messy fae then on and Swagger shoved Cesaro intae the ringpost without the ref seeing for eh…some reason. Cesaro wins up counted out. Feud wae Swagger officially begins as he wails on Cesaro for a bit, before Cesaro dumps him tae the outside. Cesaro tries tae take his frustrations out on Zeb Colter, but before he can get auld Dutch Mantell swingin, Swagger intervened, so HE got swung instead. Swung haufway tae next Tuesday. Nae Cesaro for the IC belt, but that means surely its gonnae be Barrett winning it. Lovely jubbly, Makes aw the sense. Besta gear.

RVD comes face tae face with his auld pal/nemesis Paul Heyman. He tells Cesaro tae stay away fae the cunt. He’s bad news. Sounded a bit like a shoot. I hope it wis a shoot.  

Paige vs Aksana

Aye. this wis eh…ok. Aksana’s got a lot better at the wrasslin and Paige is looking more comfortable every week oot there in her screaming glory. Aksana takes some sare knees gut, before hitting back wae a nice snap suplex. Coupla beauties anaw so they urr, Aksana revs my engine somethin fierce. I want her tae bring me tae Latvia wae her, n we can drink wine n sacrifice goats, or whitever the fuck Latvians dae for fun. Know whit else? Paige won wae that stauner inducing Scorpion Crosslock and that wis that. Magic.

Rusev vs Sin Cara

Mind Sin Cara beat Del Rio a few times no that long ago? Mind Sin Cara wis Hunico no that long ago? Mind when Lana came err tae my hoose, bit a wee tiny bit of my earlobe aff, spat it at me and I wis ok wae it? One of they things might be fabricated, but whit wisnae fabricated with the doing Sin Cara took. He did hit a missile dropkick n that, but after that the big yin flung him aboot like an empty vessel, n tapped him oot wae that Cobra Clutch he cries The Accolade.

Still no really sure if I like this big cunt. He’s impressing me more every week, but I’m still no engaged in anything he does other than the brief moments he stauns beside that perfect specimen they cry Lana.

John Cena vs The Wyatt Family 

Ach. I loved the idea of this, and I thought the match wis done well until the end, but I dunno. Something inherently unpalatable about the finish tae this if ye ask me. Another thing I found unsettling wis the lack of love for ma man Erick Rowan, as Luke Harper got 30 off percent of the vote on his own, but ye pair him wae Rowan? It falls tae 9%. Whit yees hating on oor Rowan fur ye middens? Fuck yer vote anyway, he disnae need your validation cause he’s in the match and thats aw ye need tae know. Rowan dishes oot some punches, and the fallaway slam, so that’s his moveset loused. In comes Bray tae take over Cena smashin duties, and Bray picked Cenas lifeless body up n danced wae it. Naw seriously…..that happened. Big splash in the corner fae Cena looked like it wis signalling a rally for the cunt, but Harper obliterated his breastbone wae an elbow tae put a stop tae that. Uppercuts and wide eyed delirium fae Harper wis followed by a German Suplex fae Cena, but Rowan gets back in tae dae some kickin. Nice wee Pumphandle Backbreaker fae Rowan anaw. Before Bray gets in and seems tae be toying wae Cena. Has a right good laugh in his direction as he sits up in the middle of the ring, waiting for Bray tae strike. He never did. Tags back oot and we’re back tae Harper gaun tae town on the cunt. Tornado DDT fae Cena soon after, is followed by bray gettin in and smashin his jaw in wae some frenetic jabs. Like I said, the match wis pretty good, but the finish? Ach…..why?

Cena basically goes aw Super Cena, cept why is that still a thing? In this scenario, why’s it an option? Absolutley nae reason for the Wyatts tae not be winning this clenly. there’s three of them, and they’re aw huge and scary. Harper and Rowans hugeness comes fae being actually fuckin huge, and Brays comes fae the way the cunt fills the room up wae his aura. That wis horrenously cheesy patter, but I felt it mate. I hope you did tae, as Bray hits a big splash in the corner, before going crab walkin.  After a brief crabwalk, Cena hits back wae clothesline, and then Cena hit yon 5 knuckle shuffle and the AA tae seemingly fuckin beat all 3 Wyatts clean. Essentially he did. Even though Harper and Rowan intervened before the 3 count leading tae a DQ. He won the match clean, and I’m just no intae that booking ataw. Should be booking The Wyatts like the unstoppable monsters they are.

Obviously he gets jumped and Sister Abigailed tae buggery, and in one of my favourite RAW moments of the year, Bray sat doon, cradled Cenas head and quietly serenaded him wae the full verse of the “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands” , seemingly feeling it so much he wis reduced tae tears. So RAW started and finished wae a genius in tears, for very different reasons.

Overall RAW wis pretty pish, Bray, DBry for his bravery and Sheamus vs Barrett aside. Fuckin…..fuckin…aye I’m gonnae dae it. A sub 5 score for this yin. 4.9999 Fame-assers outta 10.

Cesaro, Heyman and a bear. Whitever.


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