WWE RAW Review 28/04/2014

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Ah Cena. What a puzzle you are big yin. I went through an intense period of being mibbe overly pro-Cena for a bit there. I’d find myself waking up in the middle of the night wae dynamite ideas for slogans and once I’d jotted down the idea, I’d slowly walk towards a blackboard and write “Its ok if ye cannae dae a hurricanrana, it really is, I accept you” repeatedly tae the chalk became nuhin but dust. Ever since he entered this feud wae Bray Wyatt its aw changed. Don’t get me wrong, I respect the fuck out of Cena, both as a wrestler and as an ambassador for wrestling, but as a character? Naaaaaaah. No for me on this occasion. At times he’s been masterful at selling his fear for the work of Bray Wyatt, but since Mania the cunt has made me want surgically remove that square hairdo (square-do?) of his wae a machete. He just stoated oot this week n started saying “why?” ….why whit John? Why are you so acutely unaware of what wrestling fans want outta ye? Why is the sun round? Why does Bob Backlund always look like he’s stoatin about a car park lookin for his Ford Focus, when he’s drove a Cavalier aw alang? Who gies a shite. He actually cut a decent promo here right enough. His best since Mania. After lamenting the WWE Universes decision tae make him face all 3 Wyatts last week. He goes on tae big up everyone fae Daniel Bryan tae Sami fuckin Zayn, before warning us about the dangers of buying in tae Bray Wyatts message. Bray Wyatts message on a larger scale wisnae important the night though, he had a particular message tae be sendin Cenas way tonight, and that message wis “STOP EVERYTHING YER DAEIN AND IMMEDIATELY PISH YER JEAN SHORTS!”

Aye. Bray had a squad of weans oot singing He’s Got The Whole World in his hands, and it wis…..I don’t really have the words. Naw I dae. It wis fuckin scary. Chilling in the best way. They surrounded the ring in sheeps masks, like a merry band of tiny Erick Rowans, and continued tae drive home the message. Even the weans dont want ye anymore John. I mean there’s a gid chance this particular squad of weans are hired actors n that, but the message is that naecunt wants ye anymore. Yer time’s up. Yer tea’s oot. Its over. Find a new profession.
The way Bray almost narrated whit wis going on, as he urged the “Little bitty babies” tae sing with him. Laughin maniacally while one of them sat on his knee. “He’s got the whole Cenation…in his hands” was the cry, and even if that isnae quite the case yet, that has tae be the aim eh? Get aw these daft bairns that wear the wristbands, the heidbands, n the fuckin nappies or whitever else they sling wae his slogans on it, and turn them intae demons. Make them grow beards, get weird and disappear intae the mountains. Make them follow the buzzards.

The Usos vs Rybaxel (WWE Tag Title Match)

Brawest of the braw. This is why I was so intae The Usos getting these belts, cause they’re massively underrated as storytellers if ye ask me. Folk see aw the superkicks, n high flying shit but its nae co-incidence that every match they’re in seems tae make sense is it? Ye don’t fluke that. They know exactly whit they’re about and they dae it well. Rybaxel have been a lot more engaging that I ever expected as a team anaw. I couldnae go either of them as singles, even wae Heyman as the mouthpiece, but as a team they dae awrite. As a duo of daft cunts, they make it work. Ryback is a lot less of a liability in the ring when limited tae wee spurts anaw, so tag wrestling is outdoubtedly his forte. Axels problem wis that as a singles wrestler, he had tae try n get himself over as a character and well…in all honesty, he disnae huv wan. He’s just Mr Perfects boay. Disnae matter whit gimmick he gets stuck wae, he’ll always be compared tae Perfect from a character standpoint, so why bother trying? Unless there’s something dynamite there for him that he’s good at it, he’s better aff fuckin about in the tag division wae the big guy and never pinning cunts when he does the Perfect Plex. Anyway aye…wrestling.

A double superkick fae ma Usos, followed by the Usos daein that double dive tae the outside which wis described by JBL as “WEGOTUSSOMEFLYINUSOSINSTEROMAGGLEDIDYASEETHATMAGGLE?THATWASAMAZINMAGGLE…MAGGGGGGLE!” but Jey uso bursts his ankle on the landing. Aw naw. Back in the ring, Jimmy on the sharp end of a middle rope splash, followed by a middle rope elbow drop fae Axel, as Jey hobbles aboot outside complainin about havin an oowie. Mate, fuckin calm doon. There’s weans starvin aw err the world and you’re gien it laldy aboot a wee sare leg. Rikishi didnae raise a whinger, get fuckin oan wae it. He did indeed get on wae it, as Jimmy managed tae crawl over and tag his brerr in. Despite the hobblin, the superkicks, samoan drops and stinkfaces are still flowin, before Ryback gets the BaxelBoays back intae the ascendency wae a shiter of a spinebuster. Ryback goes for the Meathook after that, but gets near decapitated wae a Superkick. Ryback hits back wae a big clotheslined after that, but his attempt at ShellShock is turned intae a rollup for a 2 count. Axel gets in and hits the Perfect Plex but he’s hit it on the wrang Uso! The legal Uso sees the opening and dives up tap tae hit a big splash for the win. Usos retain.

Obviously as the biggest Uso mark on the internet/planet I wis intae them retaining, but I hope this wee feud isnae done. Gie it some promo time anaw. It has the potential tae gie WWE its first properly decent tag feud in fuckin years if they put a wee bitta faith on it. Or we’ll gie Kofi Kingston his auld Jamaican gimmick back, stick in a tag team wae Darren Young who would also be Jamaican and call them “Ja-Make-Ah-That?” Who gies a fuck really? NEXT.

Cesaro being assured by Paul Heyman backstage that he’s gonnae be the best manager he can be for Cesaro. Taking him aw the way tae the top. He also has another client. He’s named Brock Lesnar, and when he’s not pumpin Sable stupit…HE’S CONQUERING STREAKS BAYBAAAAAAY. 

Titus O’Neal wis supposed tae have a match wae Sheamus, but he attacked him fae behind before it. The match still happened anyway, but its honestly a wee bit exhausting how little of a fuck anyone gives. I mean ye can feel the energy being sooked oot the atmosphere. Really terrible. We need tae put a stop tae these cunts. Sheamus is awrite like, but turn him heel or make him stop daein that chest beating spot. D’ye know the wan? the wan where he beats cunts chests wae his big ham fist and I sit quietly weeping the lyrics tae Stay Another Day by East 17 tae mysell. It sends me intae a dark place troops, nae point lying tae yees. Sheamus recovers fae his attack tae of course beat Titus wae the Brogue Kick. Cause he lost last week and yer a stupid cunt if ye thought it wis happening again. A dafty. A flawed mortal roaming this earth fuckin it aw up for the rest of us. I love ye anyway though. That’s whit ye need tae take fae aw this, despite yer flaws. I accept you. Fuck this match but. 

Hugh Jackman, Dolph Ziggler and a bucket full of naw

Naw.

Ziggler and Jackman patch up their differences fae 3 years ago (when Jackman knocked Ziggler out during a tag match when he wis guest host of RAW) but d’ye know who really wants tae see the resolution of feuds involving celebrities fae 3 year ago? Naecunt. D’ye know who wants tae see Damien Sandow in a cape gettin the pish ripped out him by whoever fae WWE Creatives wife he shagged? Naecunt. Stop punishing him for being ravishing ya fuckin cunts. Sick ae this shite. If ye wantae see the specifics of this segment, watch it. Cause ye’ll no find them here. I will not give the burial of Damien Sandown any more exposure than its gettin already. Fuck the system. Or suhin.

After a fuckin braw start, we’d hit a serious lull and I wis considering trying tae find a stream for babestation, or an audience wae Michael McIntyre or suhin. Basically I wis lookin for suhin wae a lot of tits. Paul Heyman got me back on board though, and he done it through some unusual means by telling us a fuckin JOKE! 

Knock Knock
Who’s there?

Mike.

Mike who?

Mike Lient…Brock Lesnar…conquered the Undertakers undefeated streak…at Wrestlemania

He really did.

Heyman tells us that he’ll stop mentioning the streak now, which is definitely a fuckin lie, but I love ye too much tae care ya baldy wee cherub. He will continue tae mention his Client Cesaro and his victory in the Andre The Giant Memorial battle royal though.

Cesaro vs Swaggsaro

Coupla deidlift gutwrech suplexes and a boot tae the chops for Swagger early on. A right gid double axe handle aff the top rope fae Cesaro anaw, before our Swagger gets intae the match by firing Cesaro traps first intae the ringpost. Hits him wae a lariat and starts screamin “We The People” intae Cesaros ear which gied me a wee semi for reasons unknown tae me, or any other cunt. Ye get the feeling these two are capable of much more, but the emphasis seems tae be on the Colter vs Heyman element of it, as Heyman hilariously darts roon the side of the ring tae grab Colter by the tash. Swagger spots it and slings his right baw intae the middle of it tae break it up, and while he’s baws oot n wavin them aboot, Cesaro clutched him fae behind and pins him wae a beautifu bridging German Suplex. Gid gear. 

Del Rio vs Cody Rhodes

See this I like. This I’m intae. Nae real reason for it happening, but does there need tae be? Aw ye ned tae know is that they’re both really good wrestlers, and it disnae matter ataw that they’re both kinda glaikit lookin. Thats an anti-glaikit agenda ye’ve got if ye find yersell having a problem wae that. Unfortunately the match didnae really impress like I anticipated it would. Slow as fuck early on. Exact opposite of whit we wanted, and after Bert had Cody in a chinlock for about 10 year, he eventually wriggled oot and hit a beauty of a dropkick. Del Rio hits back wae the til-o-whir backbreaker and a kick tae the chops before its fuckin chinlock city again. These cunts no wrestled each other before? Cody does yon thing were he gets his opponent hung up on the top rope, before kicking him in the ribs, but Cody catches yon low superkick followed by the Cross-Armbreaker that leaves him tappin harder than Bob Backlund when he’s hingin aboot outside yer windae lookin for somecunt tae play some naked Kerplunk wae uhm.

Speaking of people I want tae play naked Kerplunk wae…oh Hi Lana dawl.

Lana wis oot tae a universal pitching of trouser tents. She even gies burds stauners. Like visible ragers stickin oot. Its something I like tae call the phantom dick effect. Thats whit this burd does tae us. Sometimes I like tae sit up at night. light a wee candle, and imagine her haudin ma boaby err it. No close enough tae actually burn it, but right on the cusp of being close enough. Just near enough tae get it rerr n warm, also..Rusev had a wrestling match.

Rusev vs Xavier Woods

R-Truth jumped in early on and they actually got the better of Rusev wae some double team shit, but if ye think this has me interested in that god forsaken nonsense of a handicap match at extreme rules, yer fuckin at it. Having a fuckin giraffe so ye urr. Unless its turned intae an inter-gender naked tag match, and the only one naked is Lana. Infact…Lana needs tae be the only one there. Naked.

Zeb Colter tries tae enlist the services of Rob Van Dam, citing the common enemy they have in Paul Heyman as a good enough reason tae dae it. Van Dam responds by pullin a joint, and a magic wand oot his back pocket. Using that magic wand tae create a hammock, and lyin doon on that hammock for a wee smoke gaun “no can do my mannn..i got my own fish ta fry baaaaby”

Los Matadores vs Heath Slater and Drew Mcintyre

Oh well this was a nice surprise wis it no. Not only did Drew get some time tae dae a spot of wrasslin, but listen tae this for a treat……3MB WON! Match wis pretty fuckin decent anaw, a lotta armdraggin nad springboard moonsaultin fae yer Matadors, before we see El Torito heider Jinder in the baws. That leads tae a matador huvin tae split Torito and Hornswoggle, and with the other yin distracted, Slater plants him wae a Spike DDT for the win.
Couldnae let 3MB have their moment but could they? Just couldnae let them huv their win and thats that. Instead Hornswoggle jumps aff the apron but misses aw the Matoadors completely, and as Drew n Heath made sure their wee pal wis awrite, Torito dives aw err the cunts. Rotten so it is. 3MB deserve a wee break at some point eh.

The DBry, Brie, Kane and Steph saga (wae shades of Paige)

DBry isnae for hearing it Steph hen. She’s out tae try and convince him that she really did mean it when she told Kane tae stop trying tae eviscerate him last week, but DBry rhymes aff a wee list of stuff Steph and Trips have done tae him recently (including an attempted drowning, mind that shit?) that wid indicate that she’s talking out of her perfectly formed peachy wee erse. DBry continues tae remind her that she’s fulla shite and she needs tae shut her beautiful mouth, but she’s persistant. She wants Dbry tae come down and look her in the eyes tae see that she’s genuine. He reckons when he looks intae her eyes he’s still gonnae see a liar. Heres the thing DBry, her eyes are dead nice, n ye should really go n look intae them anyway. Brie’s lovely n that. No bad for a Bella anyway, but I think oor Steph is comin on tae ye son. Look where that got the last guy eh? An average wrestler wae the grandest beak in human history is a 398 time world champion. Think whit a stellar talent like DBry could dae wae that clout behind him? He could actually win aw the belts. I know thats a thing folk say quite a lot for a giggle, but I bet ye any money, Daniel Bryan pumpin Steph could mean he actually wins every belt. Even the Divas yin. The Divas yin wouldnae be coming tae him the night right enough, as he’s no cleared tae compete, so Steph gied his wee burd a shot at the belt instead. Paige vs Brie. Right now.

Cept the match didnae really happen. Bridging fishermans suplex fae Paige gets an early two count, before Paige knocks fuck out her wae some stiff knees tae the chin. Brie hits back wae a knee of her own, before taking a superplex and then somethin mightily braw happened.

Kanes music hits, but he’s naewhere tae be seen. Ye cannae see him cause he’s gone underground mate! His big wean slaying hauns emerge fae under the ring and he tries tae drag wee Brie under wae him. DBry stops the first attempt, before Kane clears him out tae have another go. He nearly gets her this time, but DBry comes back in and cracks him between the eyes wae a wrench. That’s lights oot eh? Has tae be. No for the Devils favourite demon but, cause even though his mask has hair growin oot it for some reason, he’s still a bad bastard. Sits up right away and hits DBry wae a chokeslam, before huvin attempt number 3 at dragging Brie under the ring stopped by her bootin him in the chops. Been hugely impressed with how they’ve handled Kane reverting tae his auld gimmick. Say whit ye want about the relevance of this feud, but Kane has never been in better shape and was a 100x better wae the Corporate Kane gimmick than anycunt thought. Smashin segment, rounded off nicely by Brie calling Steph a bitch and telling her tae hit the bricks in the treatment room afterwards. I think I like Brie Bella a wee bit noo. Don’t tell anycunt though. I’ve got a reputation tae be upholdin here. Fuck the Smellas and all Smella related products, and fuck anycunt who endorses them!

Cena…ugh

See this is whit I mean. Right after the whole choir saga, Renee Young asks Cena for an interview and he’s too traumatised tae even speak. The cunt looked genuinely haunted. Like he wis away intae his dressing room tae rock back in forth in his wee armchair and repeatedly chant “Hustle…Loyalty…Respect” intae a polly bag fulla wristbands n hats, but we fast forward an hour or 2, and all of a sudden he’s more than happy tae chat wae Renee. He’s got aw the patter for Bray. He’s gonnae buy a MULE! He’s gonnae kick some butts n take some names! Basically. He’s trying tae be funny again. He isnae funny. John Cena, I enjoy ye. I respect ye. But never try tae be funny again. Stop doing it. Its no big or clever, and yer fuckin sookin aw the natural heat outta this feud every time ye dae it. I swear, everytime he shoots his wad intae the plastic Bella he’s pumpin, he gets at least 1-2% stupider, so he must be intae negative numbers noo. 

Bad News Barrett vs Rob Van Dam (Winner faces Big E for the IC Title at Extreme Rules)

Barretts got some bad news for Van Dam, as he takes tae his podium again for a wee bitta reminiscing. He tells Van Dam he puts the “then” in WWEs “then, now and forever” slogan before parodying RVDs “R…V…D” patter by telling him the man thats gonnae be making him drink his cheeseburgers through a straw is “B….N….B” . It wis super fun and really neat. I’m no even lyin mate.

Match wis excellent. Definitely RVDs best work since coming back, as we got a wee gimpse of Big E staunin backstage daein fuck all again. I hope he’s been on holiday and they recorded these wee segments aw at the one time. Whit a fuckin waste of time it wid be if they keep shootin him staunin backstage daein fuck all. Nansense. We get aw yer leg sweeps, and apron moonsaults early on fae RVD, before Barrett sends him tae the outside with a forearm smash. Laps up the acclaim of the fans as he gies it that “B…N…B” patter again. Wee rollup fae RVD gets a 2 count, before Barrett nearly boots him fae here tae next Christmas. Barretts gettin booked strong as fuck. He’s got this mate. Nae danger. Winds of change! 2 count. Fuckin love that move btw. Its up there wae the backstabber for me in terms of moves that I’d anticipate being really fuckin sare. Proper impact. Proper gid. Proper wrestling. Am I saying proper too much? Aye cool, well he drapped the cunt wae a neckbreaker next and really, this shit wis a formality fae here on out. A sneaky rollup fae RVD  gets him back intae it, but his rolling thunder attempt is stopped. An exchange of clotheslines is followed by yer Cesaro comin oot tae be a meddling bastard. Swagger emerges tae try n derail Cesaros attempts tae derail RVDS attempts tae eh…attempt tae win the IC Belt. Basically, a lot of folk were attempting tae stop other folk daein shit, and that left RVD distracted enough tae hit the 5 star frog splash on tae Barretts knees instead of his chest. A wee bit daft there mate. Probably better no daein that in the future, and yer certainly better no tae catch a Bullhammer tae the jaw. That usually stings. It gets the job done, and Barrett wins the tournament and will undoubtedly go on tae take the IC belt cause it would seem that naecunt gies a fuck about Big E and his beautiful shimmering man chest anymore. That makes me sad, but we like Barrett. Barrett is the bollocks.

Afterwards Cesaro, Swagger and RVD have a brawl for some reason. I don’t get where RVD fits in really. Cesaro vs Swagger is a good enough feud on its own, so unless its leading tae some kind of heel turn situation fae RVD, I’m no a big fan of this being a three way feud. Seems like they’re just daein it cause RVDs back and they need tae dae SOMETHIN wae the cunt. They’re in a Triple Threat at Extreme Rules, so I suppose it’ll be put tae the test there.

A wee bitta backstage promo’in fae The Shield. I usually review this shit on the second viewing, but I fell asleep before this so this wis my first time seeing and I wis pleasantly surprised wae how good it wis. Not that its ever bad when they get on the mic (unless Rollins has hud his helium cakes fur breakfast n gets that squeakyness in his voice) but I dunno..there wis an intensity that I wisnae expecting about it. If three guys are capable of getting me intae this feud wae Evolution, its these cunts, cause Evolution themselves can get tae. 

Ric Flair appears tae share that viewpoint as he comes struttin oot tae have a word wae the boays. He sounds pretty decent on the mic tbh, a lot better than any of his more recent segments, where he resembles yer steamin auld Granda, staunin at the front door lookin for his keys, before he realises he’s been inside the hoose the whole time. He gies it some patter about his years on the road leading tae him seeing things. Aw the things. he talks about greatness, and power, and says he sees those very qualities in three men currently in the ring, and its no his former Evolution comrades…its yer Shield boaysies! Bombshell drapped, nothing else tae see here. Flair exits and Randy Orton has tae regain his composure tae take a certain doing aff Roman Reigns. Wishful thinking perhaps, but we’ll see whit happens eh. I’m lookin for AW the spears aff ye Reignsy ma man.

Roman Reigns vs Randy Orton 

They roll tae the outside early on for a wee suplex war. Orton has numerous attempts at it blocked, before Reigns plants him wae a beauty of a suplex. Orton takes a full blown heider tae the jaw, before reversing Reignsys Irish whip attempt and sending Reigns intae the steel steps. He followed that up wae that seldom seen, but always dangerous chokehold that he employs on occasion, thats right….it wis CHINLOCK TIME. We get an intense 10-20 seconds of chinlockin, before Orton goes for that middle rope DDT and has it blocked. Some rope runnin leds tae a flying jab tae the jaw before Reigns slides oot, gies Beak-Tista the evil eye, before sneakin roon for that apron dropkick spot.

Shenanigans were well and truly afoot though, as Ambrose and Rollins get intae a right auld barney wae Trips n Bawheid. Trips sends Ambrose fleein over the announce table, and wae The Shield in the midst of gettin bested, Reignsy jumps oot tae help his pals and he gets a doing anaw. Didnae get this ataw. It seemed tae be a straight up fight, and The Shield were gettin their baws toed. We’ve supposed tae be puttin the new guys over are we no? This cannae fuckin happen surely. Nae way these diddy rides in their Matalan suits can be going over at Extreme Rules. They get tossed back intae the ring and an extremely boring and methodical doign, but Rollins wis naewhere tae be seen and thank the fuckin lord, he cames oota naewhere tae get the The Shield back intae the fight. Batista and Orton are disposed of wae ease, leaving Reignsy wae free…eh…reign I spose. Aye. Reigns hud the reign, and it wis rainin spears when he seperated the beak fae his baws, but their attempt tae Triple Powerbomb the boss is thwarted by Batista a sliding in and daein fuck all wae a chair. Fairly anti climatic really, but ye had tae enjoy the spear and ye had tae enjoy the fact that Ric Flair didnae make a cunt of himself or that. Its hard tae see the auld legend looking on the verge of a breakdown anytime they reel him oot, so it wis refreshing tae see him in amongst it in a good way again.

Overall RAW wis decent. Better than last week, but still lacking any real heat in the mid-card. Unless Goldy and Cody dae eventually split, theres no much there I’m gien a fuck about it. Gie Cesaro some belts, gie Dolph somethin tae dae apart fae vaguely resembling Lana when he wears a suit, and I dunno. Maybe exhume the real Damien Sandow and have him dae that thing he’s really good at? The wrasslin?

6 and a hauf Swantons oota 10. That’s aw. That’s it. We DONE.

tone

 

 

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