RAW is the same show every fuckin week lately, and I’m getting sick bothering my arse aboot it. Don’t mistake this kinda grumpy start as the tone of this review eh? I’ll make it as sunny and hilarious as humanly possible as we go on, but I’d like tae say right away, that its gettin extremely difficult tae pretend tae be invested in RAW as a weekly show, when its full of the same shite. Same injustices. Same everythin, different toon. Yer client Brock Lesner conquered the streak, Daniel Bryan might get fucked over, and will certainly get a doing aff Kane. Big E and his marvellous bouncy chebs remains underutilised. Drew Mcintyre remains in the best shape of his life, so he can job to various Mexicans of various statures, and fuckin Batista. Aw the time. Batista in ma face wae his stupid tattoos and popsocks. I hate ye Dave. Ye’ve got considerably fitter and more able in the ring wae every passing week since yer comeback and I still hate ye wae a fiery passion. Fuck ye and yer permanently mistimed shanner of a spear.
Newcastle for fuckin wrestling eh? Whit are we even daein? Is this real? Before London I’d been to England once in my whole life, and it wis purely so I could give it the middle finger when we got tae the border. Fuck England. Independence now ya pricks. Nigel Farage is a re-incarnation of Hitler, and that 5 chinned BNP cunt looks like a taxi driver you’d suspect of fingerblastin his passengers against their will. Whit dae ye even call that cunt again? Nick Clegg! Thats the wan. Aye…fuck him.
I jest though, England’s lovely if ye don’t mind English people, and eh…wrestling’s good! ICW’s taking over the fuckin world anaw. First Glesga got conquered, now Edinburgh gets pumped repeatedly, London got sold out and pillaged for everything worth having, and now Newcastle’s gettin fuckin invaded. London had a few of the diehards doon, but Newcastle’s getting flooded wae disorientated, drunk Scottish folk. Absolutely swarmin the place in the name of grapplin and good times. I really hope I meet one of The Geordie Shores, and if Peter Beardsley disnae tweet me back about catchin a pint wae him and either Ant or Dec (the wan wae the biggest foreheid, I think thats Ant) I’m gonnae be raging. So if ye like Jimmy causin Havoc, The New Age Kliq slingin hunners ah kicks (this is awful patter, I’m truly sorry) and eh…..Fergal fuckin Devitt. ICW – Jimmy Nails Revenge has got it aw. Ye still no planning on coming? Newcastle too far away is it? You’ve got work on Monday. Excuses mate. Fuck work, fuck yer bellyachin, just fuckin shut up and get tae Newcastle.
So Payback eh. In the unfortunate event that you’ve gone deaf sometime in the past 3 or 4 weeks, the name of this PPV might have escaped you, so that’s why I just told you. Also put it in the title, cause I’m neat, helpful and rarely (often) late. Its called Payback. Everyone says it all the time. Even JTG says it to everyone who comes to his autograph signings and asks him what its like having Virgil as a dad. So listen, we’re writing in plain english and we’re writing some previews baby. Because of the limitations that plain English places upon me patter wise, I will be clicking in and out of a Dusty Rhodes impression throughout this article, and if you’re not down with that…I got two words for ya! That’s unfortunate.
I’d have ate cat shite, dug shite, human shite. Any shite, to have been in attendance at either Global Wars or War of the Worlds. I’m not fond of shite by the way, the ppv’s were just astonishing in every way shape and form, that eating shite to be there in person would 100% be worth it. It’s taken me daaaaays to review both ppv’s. I like to think I’m pretty good at knowing my wrestling moves, but after viewing both these shows and attempting to review them I realised I’m quite pish.
I know some people have yet to see either of the ppv’s and my advice to you, as a friend is GET THEM WATCHED. Global Wars was the first of two shows co produced by ROH and NJPW. When I heard the news that this was happening I knew I had to watch it. Nothing could stand in my way. So far I’ve watched both Global Wars and WOTW 3 times each just to try and take it all in. I still haven’t. Let us begin.
Studio 24 might be my favourite venue ICW run regularly. That’s no bias towards this particular show either, cause some nice things happened in it (we’ll get tae that eventually, calm yit) that were mare joyful on a personal level, I just mean in terms of atmosphere and crowd interaction, its always a fuckin braw time. The only downside for Glesga punters, is that its in fuckin Edinburgh, and while I quite like Edinburgh these days, its ratio between shops that sell tartan memorabilia and chippies is not fuckin favourable. We must have stoated by at least 10 of these stupit shops fulla tartan hats, and mugs that say “Bonnie Scotland – Home of Bravehearts, not just hunners ah junkies askin if ye’ve got a spare 20p for an imaginary bus” before we could locate somewhere that can sell ye a fish supper. But see if ye go tae Edinburgh for professional wrestling shows and miserable Hibs fans? Sunday May 25th 2014 wis the Da.
Fuckin Edinburgh mate. I’m sorry if kickin aff wae “fuckin” wis unsettling for ye, but its best out there now, I promise I’ll no dae it again, tae the next paragraph at least. So Edinburgh. Been gettin acquainted wae it more and more since ICW are there aw the fuckin (aw ffs, thats the last time but, swear down) time noo, and I pretty much follow these cunts. We are wrestling supporters, faithful through and through. Its no bad. I feel like I’ve become more used tae the pace Embra folk go at and after gettin bumped intae quite a lot initially. I think its almost a warning for outsiders. They can smell it aff ye. Ye no used tae Edinburgh now? There a wee shoulder barge for ye. If ye can survive the initial shoulder barge barrage yer wecome back. Simple as that.
So Ayr’s a lovely toon eh? I know it’s a tad unusual tae start a wrestling review praising the toon the show was held in, but I hadn’t been tae Ayr since I wis a wee yin, and let me tell ye, it’s a delight. The kind of place ye could see yersell strolling through the main street, arm in arm wae yer one true love, hauf bottle of yer finest Blue MD in yer back pocket, headin tae the Toon Hall for a wee bit of the wrasslin. Unfortunately I had nae true love, or MD with me on this expedition, but I did have my driver and I did have a wrestling show at the Toon Hall tae attend. A wrestling show which contained a mixture of the best in UK Talent, and the physical anomaly known as Uhaa Nation. Uhaa fuckin’ Nation. A marvel of a man. I swear, this cunt is a bawhair aff 300 pounds, and we saw him dae a double standing moonsault in what felt like one motion. I dunno if I’ll ever get over that tbh, but before that we had some other guys daein some very entertaining things indeed. Wantae hear about them? Who am I askin. Ye widnae have clicked the link if ye didnae, so mon in n I’ll tell ye eh.
I was hoping for more wrestling this week. There wasn’t. I was hoping for less talk. There wasn’t. Basically I was wishing for a great degree of change from last week’s show and there just wasn’t. It’s a sad state of affairs. Fret not as I’m here to hold your hand and guide you through this week’s edition of Impact, I’ll make it that wee bit more bearable.