WWE Extreme Rules Review (By Davie Curren)

In 1970 Diana Ross left The Supremes to pursue a solo career. She believed she was bigger than the group that made her famous. She wis a prick.

In 1987 Shelley Long left the cast of Cheers to pursue a film career. She believed she was bigger than the show that made her famous. She wis a prick.

In 2014 Martin Smith began writing for Fighting Spirit Magazine. The trend continues.

(He’s a prick).

He believed he could use ‘aw these wee twitter fannies’ as stepping stones. As cheerleaders, fawning over him and giving him maximum exposure, for nothing in return.

Do you think you’re his friends? Are you wan a they wanks at the latest ICW, that seen Jack Jester dae that Sheamus spot Marty hates, and gave him a knowing look, thought ye were having an inside joke with Marty? He doesn’t think of you as friends. He doesn’t even think of you as human beings deserving if respect. He thinks of you as a pageview. Another number on the tally as he climbs his way to the top.

He used you, and you are all so stupid that you are happy for him? You congratulate him, as if writing 600 words for a magazine that you probably don’t even buy is somehow a success. As if you had a hand in that success. As if he appreciates you. He doesn’t. As if he respects you. He doesn’t.

He doesn’t even respect you enough to review the latest WWE PPV. He doesn’t even respect the art of journalism enough to watch the event live. He slept through it, in a plush hotel in London, most likely funded by his sugar daddy, the editor of FSM. He doesn’t even respect you enough to ask someone else to review it. I asked him. I put aside our petty differences, I got over the horrific way he has treated myself and my writing, I reached out. For you guys. And he said ‘aye if ye want, gie they dicks suhin tae read’.

Welcome to my Extreme Rules 2014 review!

Triple Threat Elimination Match

Cesaro Vs Jack Swagger Vs Rob Van Dam

I didnae watch the preshow, cause I just fuckin didnae.

FINALLY, after all this time, the feud between Cesaro and Jack Swagger and Rob Van Dam comes to a head. Imagine they does this at Elimination Chamber when Titus O’Neal and Darren Young split up and feuded. Have them in a triple threat match wae Big Show. It’s crazy! But sometimes crazy works, and boy let me tell ya, it worked this time. This, was one of the times, when crazy worked. If WWE has any sense they would kill this stupid wee push Cesaro’s getting and give it to Swagger, but unfortunately he was first to be eliminated, and it was in the most beautiful way possible. Cesaro hut him wae that gorgeous superplex where he lifts him aff the apron and JBL shouts suhin about there being no point of leverage. So that’s him scunnered, but then RVD hits his mangled carcass wae a 5 star froggy, doggy! Grabs the pin and the Swagmeister is outta there!

The boays wrestled some more, and it wis prittay good. RVD seemed tae have ironed oot the botchy shiteness fae the last month, and it made for riveting stuff. You’ll need to see it to believe it, but at one point he places Cesaro on the crowd barrier, then jumped from the ring apron on to him! A trash can came into play, cause this is Extreme Rules, and for some fuckin ridiculous reason, Rab placed it on Cesaro’s body and tried to frog splash ontae it. He hit it, but Cesaro had predictably moved from underneath it. Whit the fuck wid possess ye tae dae a move that already hurts you as much as it hurts the opponent, and dae it with a metal bin in between ye? Cesaro took advantage wae a neutralizer on tap a that very same trash can and got the pin.

2-on-1 Handicap Match

Alexander Rusev Vs Xavier Woods & R-Truth

RUSEV SQUASH. LANA TIDY.

Rusev made short work a this, knockin oot Xavier within seconds by chuckin him intae the steel under the canvas and evening it up to a 1-on-1 match afore the bell even rang. He devastated the veteran R-Truth with minimal effort, further cementing his status as an unstoppable force in the WWE. I see big things in this kids future, he has that right gid old school heely foreigner vibe.

There are nude pics of Lana on the internet by the way.

Intercontinental Championship Match

Bad New Barrett Vs Big E (c)

If someone mentions the intercontinental belt on any WWE programming, JBL or Cole will use the word ‘prestigious’ within 10 seconds. It is not prestigious. Saying that term every single time it’s brought up does not restore it’s prestigiousness. Having a champion defend it in interesting feuds against decent wrestlers does. It’s a stupid naecunt ae a belt, and every time it changes hauns cunts talk about how it’ll be restored to what it once was.

Barrett won, and I honestly think it’s gonnae be restored to what it once was. Big E wis a fuckin waste a space wae it, nowhere near ready nor gid enough for the prestigiousness. The match wis awrite. Big E had that look oan his face like he’d rather be backstage in full ring gear watching the match sideways on a telly, whilst standing up, but he came oot his comfort zone here. Prestigious.

6-Man Tag Team Match

Evolution Vs The Shield

Aye, fabulous booking. NAHT. Why the fuck is Randy Orton in this and not in the title match? He never even got pinned to lose the belt to Daniel and yet no rematch? As limited as Daniel’s style is (aw wow he’s doing kicks!), his matches with Randy through the last 6 months of 2013 were easily among the best matches of the year. A chinlock masterclass. Daniel might ken a million submission holds, but none as deadly as the Orton Lock.

Randy was undoubtedly the star of the show in this match but it wasn’t for lack of trying. Death defying moves from Seth Rollins in particular, including jumping from a balcony out in the crowd, made for superb viewing.

With Batista and Reigns the legal ken in the ring, the action between the other 4 spilled out intae the crowd. Dave and Roman just kinda sat there, in their respective corners, as the cameras followed the action outside.

Despite Triple H and Randy’s veteran status, The Shield were surprisingly impressive. Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins were behind most of the highlights of a fantastic match, which I recommend you watch again.

Davey and Roman eventually stood up and done some wrestling, Roman got a revenge spear that he’s been saving since the Rumble and split Batista intae 2 pieces. The match was declared no contest as Hollywood mourned the loss of one of its brightest young stars, David Bautista. His role in the new Guardians of the Galaxy film will obviously be compared to Heath Ledger’s in The Dark Knight, but for this reviewer, Dave edges it. Maybe finally now that he’s dead the Academy will stop overlooking his obvious talent and present a posthumous Oscar to his family.

Steel Cage Match

Bray Wyatt Vs John Cena

Really enjoyed this match. It differed fae normal steel cage matches, in that any time Cena tried to escape the cage, there was a pesky Wyatt on the ootside no lettin him oot! A fantastic twist on the concept. There wis a crackin bit where Rowan flung himsel intae the cage tae knock John aff it, fuckin big dangerous lug that he is.

After numerous escape attempts from Cena, all thwarted by the Wyatt boays, he wis free and clear tae stroll oot the door, with Bray, Erick and Harper aw incapacitated inside the cage.

LIGHTS OOT.

LIGHTS OAN.

There a wee boy standin in front of the cage door speakin in a really creepy deep voice. This shocks John so much, as he immediately forgets about victory and tries to grant the child’s wish through the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Unfortunately this wee man’s wish was for John Cena to LOSE THE MATCH VIA METHODS I CAN’T QUITE RECALL. Bray Wyatt stoats oot the cage victorious, and now the Wyatts are 3 n a hauf men. Expect the wee boy tae be entered intae a triple threat match wae El Torito and Hornswoggle on SmackDown this week.

Divas Championship Match

Tamina Snuka Vs Paige (c)

I’ve seen people gettin a lot a flak for callin women’s matches piss breaks n that, and the general lack of respect male fans have for female wrestling. That being said, can you blame them for having this prejudice? Most of the female wrestling the average fan is exposed to is below par. It isn’t a WWE thing either. I’ve seen some fantastic independent female wrestlers in Scotland, but I’ve seen about the same amount that are absolutely shite. I’ll no name who like, cause I’m trying tae get fired intae aboot 5 a them on twitter, but most people will ken who the gid ones are and who the shite ones are.

That being said, there is a lot a female talent brewing in WWE, mostly in NXT, and Paige has been one a them. I’m glad WWE actually put on a decent females match, even if it was short, and clearly just to let fans get a breather between 2 big matches. Hopefully Paige’s title reign BRINGS SOME PRESTIGE to the title. She won wae that scorpion lock hingy and aw man, awww man.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship Extreme Rules Match

Kane Vs Daniel Bryan (c)

Kane has a WWE World Heavyweight title shot in 2014. Randy Orton doesnae have a rematch for the belt he held for hauf a year. A cunt that jobbed tae The Shield at Wrestlemania one month ago is the number one contender for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. They’re ruining the prestigiousness of the title with silly matches like this. And let me tell ye, things got mega silly.

The match basically ran through several hardcore match cliches, with the action spilling out of the ring and into the backstage area. I cannae really mind that much of this match cause it was on last and I think I nodded aff a wee bit cause it wis so late, so I’m no gonnae go intae much detail.

Somehow, Daniel Bryan gains the advantage in the backstage area. This is after Kane threw a fuckin hammer at his heid and he ducked and it went through a car windae. He fought back and had Kane on the deck, 1, 2, 3 and it’ll be over…..except they were hauf a mile deep intae the Izod Center, this wisnae a Fall Count Onywhaur match. The ever resourceful Daniel throws the big lug ontae a pallet and lifts him up wae a forklift, escorting him back tae ringside. Events transpire, and Kane sets up a table afore lighting it on fire, ends up gaun through it himsel, and within moments the whole WWE universe wis gettin skooshed wae fire extinguisher, cause it’s PG now, cannae even watch a cunt slowly burn tae death any mair. HES KANE. HES ALREADY SCARRED FROM A FIRE REMEMBER. THIS IS HIS BREAD AND BUTTA. Anyway, Daniel retained and my nightmare continued. Randy Orton better get his rematch soon, or the whole hings a JOKE.

Thanks for reading my Extreme Rules review! I give this Extreme Rules 8/10!

EDIT: I have since been informed that Martin intends to write his own Extreme Rules review, as well as feature another writer’s. A man so pathetic that he would rather redundantly feature 3 reviews of the same show than relinquish the tiniest bit of power. A man who’s self worth is so little that the idea of someone else having a little bit of control frightens him. A prick.

Pick up this month’s issue of Power Slam magazine! The best wrestling magazine available! Or alternatively, download the digital version using the following link:

http://www.psmag.co.uk/latest_download_purchase.asp

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