WWE Extreme Rules 2014 Review

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Whit an extra special treat yees are in for btw. Fuckin THREE Extreme Rules reviews gaun on this here site mate. Three. Will three dae ye? Is three enough? TOUGH SHITE IF IT ISNAE. The option of upgrading to 5 is not available, cause this is literally everyone I know.

Anyway, here’s my attempt. It probably wont be as thorough as previous ones cause I cannae be arsed, and I figure if I miss anything important, one of my staff will pick it up. I widnae call them reliable, or even competent but they are human beings with feelings so don’t judge their substandard efforts too harshly eh…with that being said…FUCK THE RIOTS. 😉 (in this case Davie and Connie are the Riots, cause ye see, they’re a coupla fuckin riots! thats the joke)

Fine. I’ll review a fuckin wrestling show then.

Rab Van Dam vs Cesaro vs Jack Swagger (Elimination Match)

Masterful patter fae Paul Heyman tae open this yin up. His client Brock Lesnar ended the Undertakers undefeated streak at Wrestlemania btw. I made him promise that when I’m feelin sad, lonely or even just a wee bit absent minded…just a wee bit forgetful. That he would remind me about it in various creative ways, and boy has he obliged!

Know who obliges when I need cunts tae dae a bunch of flippy shit? Boab Van Dam. I like Van Dam guys, and I’m no really entirely sure why. I think its fun tae watch really sweaty stoned guys jump aboot a lot. That must be it. There’s an art tae it. There’s an art tae having the exact same personality and moveset for 20 year anaw. Keeping that flippy shit relevant. It wis Swagger who impressed the most early on wae yon over the shoulder slam thing he does, following that up wae a stoater of a clothesline tae RVD outside the ring. Hits the Swagger Bomb on RVD right after that, before his auld pal Cesaro swings him aboot for a while. RVD had seemingly gained a new found respect for Swaggz after that tasty Swagger Bomb he took but, and he saves his new pal by kickin Cesaro’s beautiful perfect face. I take it aw back, fuck RVD and they death instruments he caws feet. How fuckin dare he. Cesaro recovers well fae the emotional and physical distress caused by that heinous kick, tae hit a ridiculously picturesque springboard uppercut fae the middle rope. Follows that up wae that gorgeous superplex from the middle rope, before Bert Van Dam proves once an for all that he’s a sleekit wankstain, not to be trusted around yer bags and purses as he hits the 5 star frog splash and steals the pin. Swagger oot. Cesaro vs Van Dam. Fight tae the fuckin death. Lets be havin ye.

Heyman clearly forgets Van Dam had a third lung put in for extra smokability, as he tells Cesaro tae “Stay on him! Dont let him breathe!” Cesaro decides tae ignore the suffocation advice, and hits a beauty of a bridging German Suplex for a 2 count, before chuckin Robert intae the barricade. He climbs atop that very same barricade, but Bob sweeps his legs fur him, and jumps aff the apron wae spinning heel kick right across Cesaro’s back. Sare dunt. Cesaro rolls intae the ring just in time tae eat some rolling thunder, and a beezer of a split legged moonsault. After a couple of sloppy RAW matches, it was fair smashin tae see Van Dam lookin sharp once again. He attempts tae climb in wae a bin he found under the ring, but its far too sneaky sneaky, and he gets the bin dropkicked staight intae his glaikit dial for the excess sneaky cheekiness. Too much cheek will kill you. Every time. Mare stuff happens wae the bin. Bertie kickin it intae Cesaros face n that, but his attempt at a 5 star frog splash on top of the bin is thwarted by some slick evasive action fae TAFKA Tony Cee, and he follows that up wae the neautralizer on top of the bin tae seal the win.

Lovely wee entertaining encounter so it wis. A beauty of an opener. Put some barbeque sauce on it and gie me me 6 of them. I’m gaun up a jean size aff this shit.

A short backstage segment where Stephanie attempts to persuade Daniel Bryan to surrender his WWE World Heavyweight Title. He tells her tae get out his face, while a trainer ambles about in the background looking uncomfortable. Stephanie tells DBry he’s gonnae wind up Kanes bitch if he disnae think twice about this, and DBrys lit “AHM NO THE BITCH, YOU URR” and then they slap each other a bit and get real sweaty. I’m intae making it up stages here, but as a bearded man with an insatiable desire tae take a bite oota Stephs apple, I dunno how DBry could contain himself. Sling that Brie Smella cow tae the kerb ma man. Ye need yersell a real wuman. A real evil wuman that might dig her beautiful nails intae yer unworthy back..I mean whit? Oh Hi Lana

Lana’s oot tae talk up Vladimir Putin, and claim Alexander Rusev now resides in Russia, even though he’s probably on the road all the time and disnae really reside anywhere. We’re calling him The Bulgarian Brute still, but he resides in Russia, even though he’s always in the USA. That’s exactly whit yer needin when yer on the fence about a new big man….confusion.

Rusev squashin jabbers

Harsh to be calling a couple of handy veterans like Woods and Truth jobbers, but that whit they are in this situation. Rusev flings them about lit burst luggage. Taps Truth out with The Accolade. Leaves him AccoLAID out in the middle of that ring so he does! Tee hee.

Why this was on a PPV and Dolph Ziggler wisnae, I will never know.

Triple H talks up his Evolution pals backstage, while Renee Young stauns about lookin super cute. Orton informs us the Shield will perish, but the line would have been a lot more effective if he could add expression to it. Like if he had a couple of windows to his soul located just below his forehead. A couple of fleshy spherical objects to fill his ocular cavities. Whits the word for they things again? Ach that’s no important, the important thing here is that Evolution have a new shirt, and they aw put their hands in like The Shield do cause thats the kind of cheeky shit they’re intae. A bit of a theme of cheekiness tae this PPV so far. No seen much that would qualify as Extreme, should rename this PPV “WWE Extreme Rascals” and wipe oot the matches aw together, and just make the whole thing a 3 hour prankathon. Next up tae be right cheeky? It was one of the competitors in the Intercontinental Title match, and if yer thinkin its Big E…I’M AFRAID I’VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS!

Big E (c) vs Bad News Barrett (IC Title Match)

B.N.B gets on the M…I…C tae tell you and me, that he’s got some BAAAAD news for Big E. The news is that some killer virus is about the sweep across America, killing everyone and eating their withered faces in the process, but d’ye know whit? Thats the least of Big Es worries, cause he’s about tae drap that IC strap.

Bad News is true tae his word anaw, and he didnae get handed this strap mate, he went out n took it. Or some other fuckin cliche, who gives a fuck HE DONE THE FOLEY FLYING ELBOW AFF THE APRON! Marked mysell intae a messy situation after that, but nae time for a cleanup. No when these two warriors were exchanging suplexes, crossbodies and big boots tae the skull. Barrett caps off that exchange by leaving an imprint of his right boot in Big Es skull as he had a leisurely swing on the middle rope. This is nae time for fun n games big yin, jobs tae be daein. Belly tae belly suplexes and big splashes tae be delivering. Tries tae pull Barrett back intae the ring with a suplex, but has to settle for spearing him aff the apron instead. Nae point delaying the inevitable, I’ve already tellt yees who wins. You probably already know anaw, ye’ve seen this shit or at least heard results. Catches the big fella in the middle of a big splash attempt wae Winds of Change and that wis me spent. I love that move more than I love any future children I may or may not have. Big E looks like a cunt fully expecting an impending Bullhammer delivery, and Barrett goes for it after hitting Wasteland but the big yin isnae ready for surrendering that belt quite yet. Catches him wae that weird corner rock bottom thing he does, before hitting wae his second big splash attempt, and the straps were doon…diddies oot, Big Ending impending, but the big ending became eh….fuck know, a big finish? Aye we’ll cry it that. THE BIG FINISH. As Barrett sends Big E intae the ropes, before scuddin his charisma laden jaw wae stoater of a Bullhammer. Light fuckin out. New IC champ.

Fuckin shame that they done next tae ride all with Big E as champ. One of the most nautrally charismatic guys on the roster, and I cannae recall anything they done wae him promo wise as champ. I would have based his gimmick around his tits tbh, so I cannae offer much advice as to how they could have done it better. I’d probably base everyones gimmick around their chesticles if given the chance. Tits and deadlift German Suplexes is aw I’m about these days.

The Shield vs Evolution

Match of the night by a distance for me. I know ye didnae ask for my match of the night, but fuck ye, ye’ve got it. If ye could prevent yersell from being totally spellbound by the fact that Batista wis wearing fuckin popsocks, ye were in for a treat.

All 6 men collide for an early stramash and of course The Shield clean these geriatric fucks out. Ambrose takes a short break tae cut a promo ripping the utter cunt out of the 4th member of Evolution, which is a smiley face he drew on his hand. He ends that promo by licking his palm n gaun “whuchu gon do about it licky face?” before winking at Seth Rollins, and thats Seths queue tae hit a suicide dive on Trips. Impartial observers probably would have regarded Ambroses contribution the least vital of the three Shieldzies in this match, but its important to remember that those people are wrong, stupid and unworthy of your time. Fuck them. Fuck Batista anaw. Always fuck Batista. I’ve seen and gret at the Connor The Crusher video 3 times now, and Batistas bit in it melted me every time anaw, so its a testament to just how easy it is tae despise him that I’m right back at it. Maybe he isnae the worst human being in the world, but he’s certainly in the top 3. The first 2 being Joseph Fritzl and that Norweigan cunt that killed a bunch of school weans on an island. Mass murder, hostage taking laced wae incest and Dave Batista. The worst ae the worst.

Rollins takes a power of punishment, before scrambling Ortons brains wae a flying kick and getting his pal Ambrose in. Ambrose smacks fuck outta Orton, cuttin through his oily cheeks like a hot knife through butta’. Follows that up wae a peach of a crossbody, before stumpin a mudhole in Snoreton, and walkin it dry. Big ol lariat for Orton, before an attempt at a figure 4 on trips is blocked, only for Orton tae get it locked in on him instead. Look at that Figure 4 but mate. Lets study it for a minute eh. Me and you. Technical profiency for the start….absolutely nailed it. It looks like Dean Ambrose actually took the time tae learn the mechanics of the move and apply it the way god intended. Lets look at the cheekiness element next. Just how cheeky is it? Ric Flair wis one of the founding members of Evolution, and he used it as his finish, so for cheekiness this shit is aff the fuckin scale, add in the fact that Flair recently endorsed The Shield, and told his saggy diddied pals that they could get thersells firmly tae fuck, this is Hall of Fame cheekiness. Due a skelped erse so he wis, and surely wee Renee Young wid duly oblige when they pump each others brains oot after the show. Dean Ambrose is my favourite wrestler right now, purely because he has everything. Wrestling ability first and foremost, but he spikes yer interest. Everything he does is believable, even if its just a far away stare while somecunt else is inexplicably eatin up some of his mic time, I believe in it every time, cause I believe in Dean Ambrose and d’ye know whit else? I believe in the fuckin Shield.

Sorry I got a bit excited there. Reignsy fires Bawheidsta intae the barricade, before Trips sidesteps the big yins suspected spear attempt. That leaves poor Deano in a 2 on 1 situation wae Orton and The Beak. Takes some stiff kidney punches, before Slimfast Batista stomps him and gets booed tae fuck. Fuckin Batista man. Why are you back? All due respect big yin, but whit is the meaning of this? Popsocks urnae wrestling attire and the fact that I cannae actually batter ye myself makes me want tae draw a lifelike portrait of yer coupon on my knee, so I can punch fuck outta that instead tae simulate the experience. Stoater of a dropkick fae Orton on Ambrose after about hauf an hours worth of chinlockin. Trips hits Deano wae some beautiful jabs, followed by a beauty of a spinebuster. Then a hilarious bit of overselling fae Bawheid, as Ambrose dropped him wae a chinbreaker,  the cunt stoated about like he just had a tranq dart embedded in his temple. Fuckin…away hame wae that pish ya rotter. Big Reignsy gets in and fires flying clotheslines at every cunt, befrore duckin a lariat attemot fae Trips tae hit that apron dropkick spon on Batista. They overuse that spot tae fuck, but it worked there. Batista goes for the BAtista bomb on Reigns, but Rollins stops it wae that springboard kick the the chops he does and all of a sudden Bawhied had been Superman Punched, and all three shieldsies had the opening. IT WIS TRIPLE POWERBOMB TIME. Aw guys…guys…please dae it…please nail it. I’ll love yees forever. Up he went..and fuckin DOON he went. Triple Powerbomb BAAAAAYBE. Trips saves the match, but so fuck. Batista took a Triple Powerbomb n he might actually be deid.

Back in the ring something hugely worrying occurred as Trips nailed Reigns wae the Pedigree. Wisnae the legal man so he had tae wait on Batista draggin his withered auld saggy dids on top of Reigns for the pin…2 COUNT

Ortin nips in for a wee RKO. Same routine as before, Batista drag himself across..another 2 count. We get tae brawlin on the outside, and a poor cameraman gets knocked doon. The fight wis near the timekeepers area, and of course that wis Dean Ambroses cue tae run across both announce tables and hit Orton n Trips wae a double knee. Su-fuckin-blime. The battle in the crowd rages on, and wae Orton, Trips and Amborse gathered near an exit….Seth Rollins done that thing. Know the wan where he goes up really high, and jumps on folk? That yin. Cunt jumped fae the balcony, and even though there were mats and humans there tae break his fall, he still jumped aff a fuckin balcony. Cunts no right in the heid, but thats why we love uhm.

Aw shite. I forgot there wis still cunts in the ring. Batista hits the spinebuster, but that wee momentary pang of dread ye got fae seeing that wis dispelled when Reignsy Superman Punches him intae next week and hits a spinetinglingly gid Spear for the win. If ye combined the quality of every Baitsta spear fae his return, and fired some nude photies of Paige in tae sweeten the deal, it still widnae have been half as good as the one that Reigns smashed Bawhied wae.

Match of the night but fuckin miles and miles. Perfectly done, from the match itself, right down tae Dean Amborse stickin his tongue oot in a wonderfully demonic way as him and his buddies hugged it oot. I love Dean Amborse. I loved this match. I love wrestling. OHHHH AYE.

Bray Wyatt vs John Cena (Steel Cage Match)

I’m gonnae try somethin out here. I’m in the routine of re-watching shit when it comes tae WWE and reviewing it that way, but here’s how its happening this time. I’m gonnae try tae recall this from memory THEN I’m gonnae watch it again tae see how accurate my reflections were. This process isnae aw that important tae you…the reader (and let it be known at this stage, I place your needs above everyone elses, I’m no some petulant wee arsepiece who will monopolise your time trying tae get ye backing a cause that has nothing to do with wrestling reviewing as an artform..referring tae naecunt in particular there though) but tae me, it’ll be interesting tae see how it pans out. So shall we dance?

Bray tests the cage for sturdyness and decides its legit. Its time. As a match I felt that it wis the weakest one between these two, and even weaker than some of the handicap shit they’ve bee involved in together. The cage done fuck all for it if ye ask me, apart fae making the twist ending a wee bit more special. It wis essentially just a succession of the same spots from their previous matches, with the added element of Cena gettin his perfectly square dome leathered aff the cage quite a lot, and his attempts at escaping over the cage being thwarted by Rowan and LUKE HERPUR (king of the suicide dive). We had maniacal stomps fae Bray, we had that sickening elbow fae Bray, we had Bray attempt tae crab walk out of the cage door at one point, which was admittedly sublime, but it wis pretty much Cena vs Bray by numbers. A very good match btw. An exceedingly gid contest, one that had rising tae attention on numerous occasions, but tae me its the opposite of their WM 30 match. I’ve seen that match at least 5 times now, and every time it got better. Even the finish made more sense every time, but d’ye know whit made the finish make sense? Knowing Brasy was gonnae go over eventually. Knowing that in the next few months, that complete and utter genius of a man wis gonnae get the clean win over Cena that would propel his career tae unspeakable heights, and they just could gie him it could they? On second viewing, I actually liked this match less than the first time cause the shock of the twist at the end had wore off and the whole thing was messy as fuck.

Cena reeled out the usuals anaw. Shouldertackles, 5 knuckle shuffle, dropkicks n aw that. Caught Bray climbing the cage at one point and hit him wae a sitout powerbomb tae. Cena wis fine here. Better than fine actually. His attempts tae get round the Harper and Rowan roadblocks were entertaining as fuck. I cannae fault Cena ataw, but at the same time, I can…I can and I fuckin will. Just put the big man over clean mate. Dae it.

He did not dae it. Instead he inexplicably dragged Harper IN tae the cage after they battled up the top of it. Whits the logic there? if he’s inside the cage he cannae stop me climbing oot it? There’s still that big ginger yin but mate, and when he stops ye escaping yer in there wae Harper and Bray. Dont be a fuckin dingbat mate. A Sister Abigail attempt is depressingly reversed intae an STF, but Bray pulls himself towards the door and enlists the belt of Rowan tae try n drag him oot. Thats whit I hated. Always cheating. At every turn. Nae need for it ataw. The story would have been so much richer if it wis just these two sworn enemies knockin the living shite oot each other, and Bray prevailing in the end. Celebrating by bringing Cena’s Da intae the ring and showin him whats left of his “itty bitty baby”

The finish was a thing of beauty though. I cannae fault it, and again, I did like the match, but naw. If they dae it once more, they MUST make it a one on one fight if ye ask me, or its aw been for fuck all. Cena crawls towards the door painstakingly, then lights oot.

Then…aw fuck…..aw fuckin…aw…….fuck.

Fuckin stop. Naw.

Children are frightening at the best of times, but fuckin hell. This child wis somethin else. A dead eyed bed wetter staring at Cena, and chantin away. He’s got the whole world in his hands, and apparently that world is full tae the brim wae weans that can and will eat your soul. The child distracts Cena long enough for Bray tae rise from his slumber in the middle of the ring, and hit him wae Sister Abigail. Enabling him tae walk right oot the door. Before he strolled oot, he looked towards the creepy wee boay and intae a camera in the process and as nice as that wis YER BREAKING THE 4TH WALL BIG YIN, CUT THAT SHITE OOT. 

I enjoyed the moment, I enjoyed the match, but it aw feels a wee bit contrived. Like they’re trying tae distract us wae aw these chilling moments, when aw we really want tae see is two cunts have a right gid scrap, with the beardy one emerging victorious. Cause the beardy one always emerges victorious. In wrestling and in life. And in particular, in wrestling reviewing. 😉

As for reviewing it fae memory, it went awrite. I watched fae the Sister Abigail/STF bit onwards but, but It went gid. How did yous feel it went? A pleasant read aye? Leave yer feedback in the comments section, and I’ll be sure tae dingy it, cause I love yees, but no enough tae pretend I give a fuck what ye think.

(only kiddin)

(fuck The Riots)

Paige (c) vs Tamina (Divas Title Match)

Properly stiff, hard hitting stuff. Wisnae the only thing that wis stiff if ye catch ma drift! Eh? Amiright? Nah seriously though, it was enjoyable tae see a Divas match that was actually believable. Paige starts the match off quick, keeping Tamina’s heid spinning wae a variet of dropkicks, and sneaky pin attempts. She delivers some various knees tae Tamina while she’s hung up on the middle rope, before daein that really fuckin erotic scream hing she does. Tamina is suitably turned the fuck on by that, and goes on a lustful rampage, flingin Paige about for a while before hitting a trio of hard scoop slams. Then we got a beautiful spot wae Paige going for a Huricanrana, Tamina catches her, swings her about a bit before launching her intae the barricade. Goes for a middle rope Samoan Drop after that, but Paige blocks it and turns it intae a powerbomb fae the corner for a two count.

Tries a few mare things tae get the pin, but hen, ye know whit needs tae happen. We aw dae. I’ve been waitin. Aw these guys huv. Time tae bring it home dawl. Don’t worry about me salivating, that’s just how I appreciate good wrestling. It’s only a stauner if ye look directly at it, if ye dont dae that its just camera trickery. Nae big deal. She went and done it anaw. Gets Tamina in that Scorpion Crosslock and it wis just. Wonderful. In so many ways. As a wrestling move and as a thing that makes me feel things. I’m very sorry if this comes off misogynistic or whitever, but I think it’s important to appreciate both the stellar wrestling abilities that these two ladies have, and the fact that they fill me with an unquenchable thirst tae smell their necks. I might start a new blog dedicated solely tae how I think various female wrestlers might smell like in the neck area (Probably not all females tbh, I imagine Fergals neck smells like Papaya and Candy Floss) Call it SmellMare Necks, and really get this empire started.

Daniel Bryan (c) vs Kane (WWE Title Match)

Maybe I’m an overly cynical cunt these days, I dunno. I think its born outta months of assuming Daniel Bryan would eventually get the belt put on him, then giein up on that dream after months and months of it just no happening. I mean they stuck the Big Show in a feud wae Orton when he was champ. The Big Show. A cunt that wis on RAW in nappies a few months ago and spent the 2 months prior tae his title shot greetin in public. Thats when ye first thought it might never be DBrys time. It finally happened though and it wis a beautiful moment. Even those who had given up on the cause, or didnae really care about it in the first place were given reason tae believe in angels again. There wis something good in everything I seen that night. So Daniel Bryan finally has the belts eh! Onwards and upwards! Whit feud ye gonnae get yer teeth stuck intae now son? Suhin real juicy I bet. Entrenched in storytelling gidness. Who they gien ye mate?

Kane.

Fuckin…Kane?

I like Kane. Always huv. Never really been my cup of tea as a wrestler, but he’s never been terrible. Always been a reliable big guy, capable of decent stuff. Reliable but never spectacular. A vital element in making Taker such an alluring figure, but basically just a shite version of him in most ways. With one WWE Title reign to his name, and around 15 years without even having a sniff of that belt, he’s Daniel Bryans first feud? Fair enough, he’s got himself in tremendous shape lately, and worked the Corporate Kane angle a hunner times better than I ever imagined, but he was also a part of a mildly tragic squash match at Mania where he let his big demonic suit trooser lined erse got fuckin eviscerated. So now the bit that makes me wary. Why now? Why is Kane’s time for a run at the top now, when WWE should be looking to establish Daniel Bryan as champ and put him over as strong as possible? Fair enough, he’s been booked strong for the best part of a year, but never as a champ. So why is it Kane now, when naecunt really believes he’s ever taking the belt. That makes the feud completely irrelvant if ye ask me. Even if its entertaining, it does nothing for the champion. Weakens him more than anything, cause he cuts about being a really shite bodyguard for his missus and looking quite feart of Kane most of the time. Underdog is one thing, wee fearty cat is another.

The match wis awrite. These two know each other well, so it wis never gonnae be a pile of dung, but I could never fully get intae it. DBry catches Kane before he even reaches the ring, and they get intae fisticuffs right away. DBry hitting a top rope Huricanrana early on. Aw the usual flying dropkickin, and chest kickin patter. Big boot tae the jaw fae Kane, before Kane hilariously tries tae toss a chair intae the ring only for it tae bounce aff the top rope, and land directly in Lawlers gub. It didnae hurt him, but he sat wae it restin in his glaikit gub like a dug wae a bone. Daniel Bryan wis lit a wee dug wae a bone tae pick over on the other side of the ring, and in this metaphor the bone is a Kendo Stick…wae the bold Kane pickin it oot his teeth as Dbry smashes it wae him. That probably wisnae a metaphor ataw, but so fuck, DBry didnae mind, he wis too busy drop-toeholdin a Demon, n hittin him wae a suicide dive. THE ACTION IS FRANTIC HERE FOLKS!

DBry proceeds tae leather Kane wae the cover for each announce table, before Kane does some table maintenance of his own. This is my favourite thing about a PPV so it is, when cunts fiddle wae tables a lot. Really enriches the match. Kane tries a chokeslam through the table, but DBry turns that intae a Tornado DDT on the floor.

DBry and Kane dance a merry waltz up the aisle, with DBry providing the accompanying percussion wae Kendo Stick shots. We make our way backstage and Kane picks up and chucks a tele in the bin, cause he’s an LG guy, and that piece of Toshiba garbage wis gettin on his dids. Eventually they find themselves in the parking lot, where theres a snow shovel kickin aboot for some reason. DBry smashes Kane wae that, before taking a backdrop on top of JTGs Ford Focus. Kane proceeds tae chuck a bowling ball through the windae, and he wisnae even aiming at DBry this time, just fancied ribbing JTG. While he chuckles away tae himself, he turns roon just in time tae get scudded with a crowbar, but Houston…..we have a stumbling block.

Ye see despite the match being No DQ, it was not a falls count anywhere match. If it wis its a simple case of Daniel Bryan flingin his cap on Kane for the 3 count, but wae the monster knocked spark out, he has tae find some way tae get 300 pounds of deid weight from the Car Park, aw the way back intae the arena. Daniel Bryan decides that he needs a wee meeting of the braintrust and gets right on the blawer tae his mainest boayzies. First port of call is Zack Ryder of course, as he has been through pretty much this exact same angle about 3 year ago, but he’s too busy huffin bleach, and using it tae make his eyebrows glow in the dark, so after trying a few more guys, he decides its time tae call upon the most resourceful guy he knows. A certain Philip Brooks, TAFKA CM Punk. We managed tae get a full transcript of how that conversation went down. Don’t ask me how. People died tae make this happen, and thats about aw ye need tae know about it.

DB –  “Punk, I need your help, I have Kane backstage knocked spark out, but the match isn’t falls count anywhere, what the hell do I do man?”

CMP – “Punk? I dont know any Punk. If you’re asking Phil fuckin Brooks, that handsome fella would tell you to get your fuckin pilots license, and fly you and that tidy little Bella broad the fuck outta there”

DB – “I didn’t think straight edge dudes swore this much”

CMP – “I was never straight edge goat boy, Phil Brooks is a gin swiggin, AJ Lee fuckin, stubbin cigars out on autograph hunters type of cunt, and if you want some help? Come find me in an abandoned warehouse in Central Chicago. I’ll give you no directions. If its meant to be, you’ll find me, and I’ll teach you the ways of the forklift”

DB – “You’re really mean now”

CMP – “DEAL…WITH….IT”

So off DBry sets, on a pilgrimage for Punk. He makes it to Chicago, and in a 6 hour round trip, all Punk taught him is how to move the pallet on the forklift up and down before telling him “The rest is just driving, I cant believe you came all the way out here” Frustrated, but fully licensed to operate a forklift, Daniel Bryan returns tae the arena at 4am. Everycunts went hame, but tae his surprise Kane’s still knocked spark out. So he drags his lifeless corpse ontae the pallet and they set off for the ring. Drops Kane intae the ring, and hits a diving heidbutt aff the Forklift, before attempting tae bring this saga tae an end by covering him for the 1…2…AW YER FUCKIN JOKING.

He kicked out. He only went n fuckin kicked out. They go back and forth, and eventually it spills tae the outside, where DBry goes for Suicide Dive, only tae get caught and chokeslammed through a table. I tellt yees earlier but, nae chance he’s drappin the strap. Calm down petal.

Kane drags a table oot, and sets the two ends on fire, conveniently leaving oot the middle bit where cunts actually go through. DBry sends Kane through the table but, cause he wis never ever ever losing this. Flying knee tae follow.. Game over. 

Kane sits up and sets aff some pyro. Yer still Kane but. That belts no yours. It never will be. End this feud. The noo.

Overall I enjoyed Extreme Rules. Everything apart fae the Rusev squash was at least watchable. Shield vs Evolution was probably up there wae the Shield vs Wyatts matches anaw, and considering I couldnae have gave a shite about that match beforehand, it surprised me by how much it drew me in. 8 triple powerbombs outta 10. Which is 24 powerbombs. Which is…a lot.

I hope ye enjoyed yer third Extreme Rules review. Thats you got a complete set. Feel free tae award this one the Gold Medal but, cause even if ye don’t think it was the best written wan, as I continually tell these other “writers”, I’m the fuckin boss, and I can take this magic away just as easy as I created it.

(only kiddin)

(fuck the riots but)

 

 

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