TNA Impact Review 08/05/2014 (By Oor Conneh)

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😦

That’s right, a sad face. A sad face because Impact is shite. I’ve been a devoted TNA fan since day one. I was proud of that company. I believed in that company. Now throughout a show I contemplate melting down some gold and pouring the burning liquid into my eyes. I lost all hope a few months back. I hated the direction it was going in. I hated how the wrestlers were being treated so I stopped watching. But I decided to well, catch up. Why did I do that? Why didn’t someone warn me. With that being said if you try really very hard to block out the sheer cringe worthy parts of the show you’ll actually find some delightful bits of wrestling here and there. Is it worth it? Probably not…
I suppose I should tell you about the show? You’ve probably stopped reading after the sad face. I’m probably talking to myself right now. I don’t blame you.


Bully Ray’s gonnae find Dixie Farter and put her through a table. Welcome to Impact.

The show opens with EY. He says he made a vow to defend the title every week, that he’ll book his own match if MVP won’t put him in one. He issues an open challenge for that shiny belt of his. DOOOO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO. That’s supposed to be Bobby Roode’s tune btw. Roode says he chose to be a fighting champ and that EY doesn’t have to look past him for a contender. EY’s like that ‘yi lost yer chance at the belt last week’ but Roode’s like ‘Aye, but I was close to beating yi’ and that he had already had a match earlier that night. So he deserves another shot, they grew up together, and they are great enemies. I’ve missed Roode. Why’s he no champ? Mind that time he was the longest reigning champ and carried that company with his boabby. Flacid tae. Didny even need the strength of a pinger to carry it, he made being at the top look easy. Roode 4 champ. Roode says if Eric wins he will never ask for another shot as long as he is champion. EY says they will make history with one more match then agrees and both men shake on it.

MVP asks EY to his office. Eric asks if some thing’s wrong with him being a fighting champ. MPV says he appreciates Eric’s spirits. I can already tell where they’re going with this angle. Can you? He says he had something big planned and hasn’t had the chance to reveal it yet, so he calls the match with Roode off. EY wants to wrestle tonight but MVP says he has nothing left to prove. UGH. How dare they make this so obvious. He says EY should take some time just to enjoy the title. And that he’ll make some calls to make sure EY faces a brand new opponent at Slammiversary. Will yi aye?

Next!

 

The Beautiful People vs Brittany & Madison Rayne Evening Gown match.

Yass but at the same time boo. Madison is such a beautiful wee wummin. Even smaller in real life, she was about upto my erse when I met her. But she looks like she’d smash yi nae bother. She’s delightful. She starts things of with a lovely wee clothesline to Velvet followed by a drop toe hold. She attempts to tear Velvet’s dress off but she manages to roll to the outside. Velvet gets back in and tears Brittany’s dress off thus eliminating her. Break. Madison throws Angelina to the outside but Velvet slams Madison into the corner and uses her foot to choke her. I love heel Velvet. Heel Velvet is the best Velvet. Angelina’s back in she gives Madison a few kicks to the head then slams it into the turnbuckles. Madison manages to nail her with a clothesline and knocks Velvet down and tears her dress up eliminating her. Angelina runs in and hits Madison from behind nailing her with several forearms and using part of her dress to choke her. Madison manages to get some offence in, at one point she does a beautiful spear, which someone should show to Batista while saying ‘see, it’s no that hard’ over and over. Velvets back, towel hiding her modesty, she flashes Stifller(the ref) and he stands there open mouthed, in awe at what he just saw, dinny blame yi Stifler, she’s a wee ride. Angelina uses the distraction to go old school Beautiful People and sprays Madison in the face with some hairspray and then manages to rip her dress of meaning Angelina Love wins this one.

I love the Beautiful People. Delighted they exist again.

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We see Dixie rushing out her office. Happnin Dixie hen, gid tae see yi, but it’s very obvious you’ve had some work did to that coopin of yours, some botox, lip fillers possibly, whatever it is you are trying to do can I suggest you stop it. Your face offends all of my sense’s and is currently resembling a melted welly. Please and Thanks. I can remember Dixie grabbed me for a photo once, assuming I wanted one. I didn’t and it was awkward but she smelt nice and not like farts. She asked my other half if he wanted a photo and he laughed and went NAW. It was a nice moment. Spuds asks her why she looks so worried. She says he’s not to let Bully in her office and not to let him talk to anyone. She runs away leaving Spud to take care of everything. Oh and Spuds outfit is delightful btw. A leopard print suit. I would very much love to own said suit. I used to HATE Spud. He was just some fanny who claimed to wrestle and was on snog, marry, avoid that one time. But he’s grew on me. I don’t necessarily like the angle he’s currently involved in but he certainly makes things at least a little entertaining. He’s got abit of a panto gimmick. Or suhin. I dunno.
Bram and Magnus are backstage. Bram says he’s signed an iron-clad contract with TNA and that he’s booked Magnus against Willow tonight. He want’s Magnus to be like his old self and that he’ll be out there with him. Magnus looks like at him like ‘WIT?’.

 

Kurt Angle vs Ethan Carter III

Kurt starts things off by stomping Ethan several times following this with 3 consecutive suplexes. His knees hurt, it buckles which gives Ethan an opportunity to begin an attack. Kurt manages to fight back and hits a few clotheslines and then the Angle slam. He tries to put weight on the knee but falls to the mat. He tries his hardest to continue but Ethan manages to chopblock the knee and rolls him up putting weight on the knee and he gets the win.

After the break you see Kurt being helped to the back, he says he heard his knee pop. Wee scone.
MVP makes his way out. One week I think he’s white then the next I think he’s black. I’m still undecided. He says he’s got new info about EY’s new opponent for Slammiversary. DAE YI AYE? Roode’s music hits and he heads to the ring. He claims this is a joke, Roode pleaded his case but MVP tells him he’s already had his opportunity and lost. He says he needs to earn his shots and not just receive handouts. Roode is furious, he shouts that he doesn’t get handouts, he’s never had handouts, he asks MVP where he was when he was the longest reigning champ, where he was for the past 10 years and calls him a son of a bitch. MVP says this is where the conversation ends. Roode gives him a wee shove but MVP tackles him to the mat and they brawl until the refs and their fabulous blue soled sneeks break it up. I hate MVP.

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Bully Ray is shown sneaking into the TNA headquarters, the secretary says some words, it’s over acted and awful and made me wince a wee bit. Bully says he will find Dixie. As he begins walking down the hall way he is met by Spud who tells him he isn’t welcome here, he says he will remove him himself but instead Bully picks him up and onto his shoulder. Their in Dixie’s office and Bully takes a seat and asks Spud to get him a coffee. He says he’s running this place, he tells the secretary to gather everyone for a meeting while they wait for Dixie.

 

TNA Tag Team Championship
BroMans (with DJ Zema) v The Wolves

Davey Richards gives me the fear on so may levels. He haunts my dreams. He botches double stomps my heed and then lets me continue with the planned finish of the match even though i’m seeing triple. Tehe. Had to have that dig. With that being said his talent is undeniable, and I absolutely love the Wolves. The BroMans have surprisingly came on leaps and bounds and proved to everyone that they were worthy champions. To be honest with you, I never expected them to last, and I never expected them to improve. So fair play to them. Remember earlier when I said if you try hard to forget about the cringey shit that occurs in the show there’s actually some really good shit? This is it. This is the goodest shit. I thoroughly enjoyed this.

DJ Z distracts the Wolves and the BroMans attack them on the ramp hitting them with a ladder. They set a ladder up in the ring but the Wolves run down and throw them out. Bromans throw a second ladder in the ring but it’s flung right back at them. The Wolves go for suicide dives but are instead met with a ladder to the coopin. Jessie throws Davey onto the barricade and Robbie smashes Eddie’s head inside the ladder. The BroMans kick the ladder into Eddie’s head then go for a double suplex on the ladder. Eddie manages to catch Davey and Robbie and Jessie are thrown into the ladder instead.

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Both teams set up ladders and attempt to climb, Robbie and Eddie knock each other down and Davey delivers some headbutts to Jessie. Eddie climbs back up the ladder but Jessie nails him with a lovely dropkick, he goes for the press slam but Eddie manages to kick him and hits him with a reverse suplex out to the floor. Davey slams Robbie onto a ladder sitting on the apron and then nails an absolutely beautiful double stomp. He rolls back in and the Wolves climb the ladders, DJ Zema runs in and tries to stop them, but instead he’s hit with a few headbutts from each man and hiptossed from a great height, over the ropes and onto Jessie and Robbie. Then they grab the belts and remain your TNA tag team champs.

Despite it being what you’d expect, a spotfest, it was actually a really fine match and made for very entertaining viewing. The crowd seemed into it to. Davey still gives me the fear but Eddie is a delight.

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Kazarian vs Knux (with his fellow Menagerie boises- Rebel, Crazzy Steve and The Freak. Also a coupla guys on stilts.

That sad face I opened this with was mainly because of this. What have TNA done to Kaz!!!? They very very stupidly have let Daniels go, and I’m fairly confident that Kaz will be leaving soon if he hasn’t already. He’s getting used as the ultimate jobber and it makes me sick. It hurt my heart. Jobbers aren’t a bad thing. Jobbers are needed. But Kaz? He’s nae jobber.

The Menagerie are finally here. Who gives a shite. Knux has got fatter. Rob Terry’s The Freak btw. Just him with a pound shop mask on.

Kaz starts things by snapping Knux’s head on the ropes then nails him with a lovely dropkick. He chokes him on the ropes and connects with a kick outside of the ring. Crazzy Steve taunts Kaz. Kaz says ‘back aff ya spooky bitch’ but The Freak walks towards him, while he’s distracted Knux pulls Kaz back in the ring and nails him with a clothesline. A shite clothesline cause he canny fucking wrestle. He backdrops Kaz then splashes him. Kaz manages to counter a slam but Knux catches him off the ropes and hits a sitout spinebuster and wins this one for some reason.

SHITE. Hated everything about it. Is it because Kaz was used as a total jobby? Probably. I can’t help but get a cheap vibe of the Menagerie. Yer better than this Kaz, walk oot. Walk oot and never you look back. There’s ROH? Or Japan? Or ICW!!?
Back at TNA headquarters because shitey wee over acted backstage hings are better for wrestling than wrestling apparently. Spud’s trying to get rid of Bully. He finds the employers and tries to turn them against him, but Bully’s standing right behind him. Bully sends him away for a coupla cases of beer and then attempts to turn the staff against Farter.
Next we see Gunner and Mr Anderson arguing but they come to an understanding. Gunner says he doesn’t like to cheat. Anderson talks about Sam Shaw, that peeping tom guy who paints gid wrastling pictures in his spare time, aye, that guy. Cuts about sniffing pants n that. Anderson says he’s crazy and Gunner asks why, because people go through trauma and it can make them go weird like that. Gunner has seen shit, he’s deep. Anderson’s just like ‘he’s aff his heed’.

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Back to headquarters, Spuds returned to see the staff are having a paerty and are all pro Bully. The actors made this terrible. It made my shoulders ache. They thought they were acting out a good time when all I saw was dug shite, wee cartoon dug shite’s with wee cartoon flea’s and wee cartoon reek. Awful. Spud screams that this is a business. Bully says he’ll leave Spud if he tells him where Dixie is, Spud swears doon he doesn’t know. Bully asks if he’ll have a beer with him. At this point i was mesmerized by a framed picture of Stinger in the background, it made me sad and I wondered where he was, what he was doing and how fucking beautiful that picture would look above my bed. Next thing I know Bully’s got Spud up ready to powerbomb him, he keeps Spud’s crotch in his face for a very long time and I swear you see him having a big sniff. He powerbombs him threw a table, which looked legitimately sare. He takes Spud’s phone and finds Dixie’s address. Shite.

A man once said “Magnus, I do not fear your reign for I have an umbrella”. That man is Willow. The spirit of the forest. The spirit of my heart. The spirit of puns. It gave me a riddy. I may be the only person in the entire planet who likes Willow. Fight me.

Magnus(with Bram) vs Willow.

Magnus clotheslines Willow while he’s running about on the outside like a dafty. He viciously stomps him. Bram looks on like ‘aht’s ma boay’. Willow connects with a lovely hurricanrana and nails Magnus with an atomic drop and split legged legdrop. He connects with a reverse heel kick and a high arching corner kick. Magnus rolls out the ring pronto but Willow kicks him to the floor. Bram decides to whip Willow headfirst into the steps, yer a bad man Bram, a don’t like yer face. He tells Magnus to pay attention, then connects with an inverted suplex. He handcuffs Willow to the bottom rope, gets a piece of turnbuckle and hits Willow with it, he lets out a painful but evil scream, cause Willow’s spooky. He tells Magnus that’s how you do it, but Magnus walks away digusted. Willow’s yer winner by disqualification.

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Angle’s xrays are already back. Nothing was broken but his ACL was torn and he needs surgery. He was raging.
MVP’s out yet a fucking gain. WHY? He’s the new Hogan getting his coopin in amongst everything when all I want him to do is go home. It’s time to reveal EY’s opponent. EY makes his way out. MVP says he’s so proud of him, that he’s an inspiration. That it’s his job to find the best competition. He motions to the ramp, says the number one contender is here. But nobody comes out. MVP says “Well, I guess since they didn’t play his music I’ll just break it to you this way”, He sucker punches EY, stomps him several times and says he will see him at Slammiversary. Oh, this seems very familiar, where have I saw this before? He kicks him once more and leaves and that’s the end of the show.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Awww. I dunno. I don’t really like when people claim TNA copy WWE. WWE have copied TNA on many levels in the past. But I have to admit that YES, TNA are 100% blatantly trying to make EY their Dbry. Especially now that an authority figure is his main rival. I think TNA are very much aware that they are copying, I think they know that we all know. But they seem to feed off of that. I’m not sure whether to be disgusted or give praise. I always wanted EY to get a chance at the top, he’s always deserved it but I feel he’s champ for the wrong reasons and it’s a real shame. I absolutely do not care about his match with MVP because MVP is shite.

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