WWE RAW Review 05/05/2014

Justice for Ambrose. 

In all my years I’ve never been exposed to such an atrocity as the one we were forced to suffer through on this weeks episode of RAW. I like to try to make these reviews fun to read. Interesting. Entertaining. I tend to type something close to the way I speak, and people seem to enjoy that. This week I am no mood for fun. No mood for hi-jinks. No mood to be the jolly joking japester that you’ve come to know and want to spend your lives with. For there is no justice in this cold cold world we live in. There are no rewards for those excel at what their chosen profession. Only jealous backstabbing cunts praying for their downfall. Dean Ambrose found this out to his peril on this weeks RAW as he had the United States Title, which he held so proudly, and defended so valiantly , STOLEN from him. Fucking STOLEN. No other way to describe this. Booking the champion in a 20 man battle royal with his belt on the line? You might as well have stuck one of his legs up his rectum, and made him defend it in an ass kicking contest (that’s how stringently we’re sticking to the no slang thing here…an ass kicking contest, deal with it)

A disgrace.

Dean Ambrose of course fought like the warrior he is. Because Dean Ambrose is a winner, and winners never quit. As intrigued as a I was at the prospect of someone like Heath Slater, or Fandango receiving a much-needed push by storming in and taking the title here, neither of them are Dean Ambrose. So fuck them. Fuck anyone on the planet not named Dean Ambrose. Fuck their hopes, dreams and ambitions. Ugh. You guys, I am suuuuper cheesed off.

Justice for Ambrose

Know who else deserves some justice? Dolph Ziggler. Dolph Ziggler was eliminated from this battle royal by a sock masquerading as a snake. This time last year he was World Heavyweight Champion. Know who else deserves some justice? Damien Sandow. Damien Sandow was eliminated by a combination of Sheamus’ chest beating spot and Heath Slater, and without being disrespectful to Heath, that’s fucking depressing. It makes you wonder if they ever intended on putting the World Heavyweight Belt on Sandow, or if it was all a giant dick tease. It took me ages to “get” Sandow as well, and it seemed that as soon as I did, he found himself buried under a pile of unfulfilled promises and gimmicks that require him to dress in some manner of colourful suit. A TRAVESTY.

Ach I cannae keep this up. I’m no even that upset about Ambrose drappin the US Belt really. He done fuck all wae it, and with it passed off to a lesser talent, he’s free and clear to fulfill his destiny of one day having aw the belts. No just in professional wrestling either, I mean aw the worlds belts. It is Dean Ambrose’ aim to somehow gather in every single belt in the civilised world, and sit back with his feet up watching a thousand monitors dedicated to capturing the beltless masses having to walk around with their troosers at their ankles. I dunno if this is a weird fetish thing or whit. I don’t even know whit the fuck I’m talking about at this stage. Sheamus won the battle royal but. Sheamus is the new US Champ. Good for him eh? Rumour has it that he might be the guy the join Evolution and I’d be intae that. If only tae see him adopt their fake tanning routine. I’ve always wondered whit the contrast between tan and PURE UNADULTERATED GINGER would be like.

JBL gets excited cause Trips came oot n tellt the Shield they’d be wrestling the Wyatts in the Main Event. “MAGGLEISEEGRETMATHCESMAGGLETHISISBESTFORBUSINESSMAGGLE!THEMBOYSGONGETITMAGGLE!” Fuck sake JBL. Calm yer business mate. Calm yer fuckin business. Pitchin a tent under that table so ye urr. Trips gies it some patter about The Shields luck running out tonight. How about you make use of that 10 mile beak ae yours n smell yer fuckin maw mate. Away n smell yer maw. 

Sheamus talking tae Renee back stage about the act of theft he just partook in. He seems proud of himself. Perpetuating negative Irish stereotypes by trying to pass off crime as cheekiness. I hate ye.

Robert Van Dam vs Cesaro

It still isnae gettin old. Cesaro being a Heyman guy, Heyman finding new and exciting ways tae tell us his client ended the streak. The way JBL says jacket. None of it well ever get auld. Heyman refers to Cesaro as “The King of Extreme” cause he won that triple threat match, and JBL completely ignores everything going on in front of him besides Cesaros Jaiskit. “MYGODMAGGLEHAVEYASEENTHATJAGGIT?” We huv JBL, and it is swagnificent. Nae denyin it.

They tie up. They exchange waistlock cuddles. RVD armdrag. The opening stages are cagey. Cagey’s gid. Cesaro catches RVD wae the tilt-o-whirl backbreaker, and this time it disnae take an hour tae complete. This is the RVD I’m intae. Flying kick followed by rolling thunder. RVD at his fluid best. Sends Cesaro fleein to outside wae a backdrop, before flying at him. Then an apron moonsault leads JBL tae encourage Cesaro tae “STAYDOWNCESAROHESGONFLYATCHAFROMERRYWHURR!” Sorry, this is turning intae JBL watch eh? I just really like relaying whit he says in capitals. It soothes me. This match wis daein a stellar job of soothing me in its own right though, as Cesaro sends RVD to the outside with a beauty of a lariat. Cesaro ducks a spinning heel kic, but in aw his flippy tricky glory, RVD turns that situation intae a Sunset Flip for a two count. Cesaro launches a one man, two footed protest tae that flippy shit when he counteracts it wae a standing double foot stomp. Enjoyable match. 100 times better than their singles match a couple of weeks back. RVD does some sexy springboard shit, but gets caught wae an uppercut flush on the jaw. Kablam. Flying uppercut in the corner, followed by a Triple Gutwrench Suplex? Dont mind if I do Cesaro ma man, dont mind if I do.

So look at whit I’ve described tae ye so far. A belter of a match eh? Plenty tae get yer teeth dug intae. Good storytelling tae. So I found the finish ever so confusing. RVD gets hung upside down and Cesaro repeatedly punches him in the heid tae he gets DQ’d. This isnae the direction we want for Cesaro is it? Why’s he brutalising a guy he knows he can beat? Makes nae sense. No like he has tae weaken him for anything, he’s already about 45.

Bray Wyatt Is God

I probably say this every week, but I always mean it. This wis Bray Wyatts best promo. This wis storytime with the beard and this wis spine tinglingly beautiful. He speaks of the wicked ways of the world, and how Abigail always told him he would be something one day. Anycunt else think Abigiail might be Bo Dallas? I mean look at they long flowing locks, and his more than ample man chest. He could easily pass for a burd. Maybe Mike Rotunda disnae have a good and bad baw after all, mibbe he has a baw that makes Brays, and a baw that makes A-Bo-Gails. Mare patter about Cena being a liar, but the one thing he’s never lied about is Bray being a monster. Cause Bray fuckin IS a monster, but the thing he has wrong is the claim that Bray wants tae watch the world burn for selfish reasons. Destructive reasons, when on the contrary Bray wants tae watch the world burn, so we can build a better world, free of false prophets and empty promise pushers like JAAAAAHN SEEEENAH. He wants to build a world in the image of Bray. A world where the rejects, and unspectacular ones ARE KINGS. A world that champions the ordinary and makes them legends. Bray Wyatt does this for me. Bray Wyatt does this for you. Bray Wyatt does this for the greater good and for the Bray Wyatt deserves a knighthood. Bray Wyatt needs you to stand beside him and together we can see Bray Wyatt propel himself to the place where he belongs. Bray Wyatt is god. 

Cody Rhodes vs Ryback 

It bothers me that I don’t completely hate Ryback now. I feel like I put a lot of effort intae really fuckin hating the cunt and it aw feels like it was for fuck all. He’s still a shite wrestler, but he’s even improved a good bit there, a lot less shite than he wis, plus he’s just a fuckin hilariously mental big baldy bastard. Delivers a couple of decent suplexes, followed by a beautiful elevated suplex, and a stiff back elbow. The match is only happening tae further this Goldy vs Cody angle we have brewing though, as Axel clattered Goldy aff the ringpost while Cody was gaun up top, allowing Ryback tae catch and shellshock him for the win.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Easily the most racist thing I’ve ever seen on WWE tele, and WWE are well known for indulging in a wee spot of the racism. Primo and Epico are forced tae put on hilariously overdone Mexican accents, and one of them cannae say “universe” properly. Then then the wee bull throws sweeties intae the crowd. 3MB came oot, and Drew got some mic time. Suhin about peace. Torito extends the haunfi of sweeties at Hornsowggle, and he bats them away. 

Racism still aliiiiive. WWE aint concealin it.

Dear Lana

I realise I’m only one of about a million and a hauf folk who want ye tae inflict pain upon them. I know this letter will probably go on a pile about a mile high, but I’m giving it a go anyway ma love. You are it. I want ye tae stand on my chest, wae yer pointy wee heels embedded intae a ma nipples. I want ye tae come tae my hoose while I’m eatin dinner, pick up the plate and smash it err my heid. Then I want ye tae feed whit wis on the plate tae me, while the blood drips fae the wound, helping to provide the spoonful of sugar tae make the medicine go down. I want you tae cause me physical and emotional distress basically. That’s the point here. The above are just suggestions, I will leave the methods uptae you hen.

Stay beautiful

Martin

So Lana tells us Rusev is just “Rusev” noo. Nae Alexander. Still referring to him as the Bulgarian Brute anaw, even though he’s Russsian now. Aye….cool.

Rusev squashes Kofi

Mind Kofi pinned the WWE World Heavyweight Champion clean a coupla months back? Aye. Me tae. Kofi had some gid moments, but then he got his shit ruined. Rusev has mare muscle in his right tit than Kofi has in his bony wee boady, so this wis never gonnae go any other way.

Daniel Bryan vs Alberto Del Rio

This was my favourite. This is the kinda feud I’d be intae DBry having for the belts. If they let Del Rio be a heel with actions and no words, he’d be the perfect foil for DBry if ye ask me and the matches would be fuckin sublime. This one wis. Dropkicks, kicks, uppercuts and aw sorts fae Dbry, before Del Rio hits back with a beauty of a superkic and then my favourite thing happened. DBry gies it the sucession of chest kicks, but when he went for the big roundhouse, ADR ducked it and hit him wae the backstabber. The backstabber should be everyones favourite. If it’s no yer favourite, yer no my kinda people. Del Rio always fuckin nails it, and he followed it up wae a stoater of a German suplex. He then reverts tae his usual patter, where he goes after the arm. I call it “going full Del Rio” now, and any wrestler that starts working on the arm gets that patter. Tell yer pals. Ye see a wrestler gaun daft for the arm attacks? He’s went full Del Rio.

Brayn gets dropped beard first on the barricade, and actually came a bawhair aff gettin counted out. Del Rio dropped him wae a luxurious wee DDT, before tuning up the band for some sweet chin maracas music. DBry ducks the superkick and delivers some kicks of his own and it wis aw just delightful. Del Rio detractors be DAMNED, this cunt can fuckin go. Hits a big lariat in the corner, before trying and failing tae hit a superplex. Del Rio calls for the Cross-armbreaker after hitting the Enziguri, but DBry somehow bends it intae the YES! Lock and that wis that. Del Rio taps. PYRO!

Fuckin Daniel Bryan running. Daniel Bryan running fae a guy he’s never lost tae cause he needs tae protect his wench. Sickening. They run straight tae the motor, where Daniel Bryan finds he’s unable to start it! SHOCK HORROR! Didnae see that coming a fuckin mile aff or anything. Upon fixing the “unplugged wire” (I know fuck all about motors btw, but even that came across as incredibly stupid…if Kane’s gonnae sabotage someones motor, ye’d imagine he’d do a lot worse than just unplugging something) and when he looks up KANE’S IN THE BACK SEAT! Oh my god Daniel! GET THERE QUICK! YOU HAVE TO PROTECT BRIE FROM THE DEMON! Fuck sake man, is Brie actually trying tae act here? Is that whit the noise is? Cause it made me wince so forcefully, aw the wee plooks on my foreheid burst. As I wiped the puss and blood away wae the back of my haun, DBry manages tae fight Kane off and drive his screechy wee arsehole missus tae safety. Cannae believe DBry wis shaggin the shite Bella all along. Whit a horrible revelation.

Bad News Barrett vs Big E (IC Title Match)

Big E looks fuckin LOCKED IN here son. Strings together some nice belly to back suplexes followed by a sucession of backbreakers. Crowd aren’t loving my big diddied wonder though. Wee shame so it is. They had a chance tae get him and his marvellous diddies over, and they done fuck all with it. Big E batters Barrett aff the steps, before hitting him wae that spear he does as BNB is propped against the steps. A wee battle on the apron, leads tae Big E taking another stoater of a shoulder bump. Poor cunt takes at least two or three of the sarest dunts on his shoulder in every match, then we had Barrett hitting the Foley elbow drop off the apron for the second night running, and if ye think that didnae gie me a stauner for the second night running..I’M AFRAID I’VE GOT SOME BAAAAAD NEWS. Or good news, depending on how ye view me huvin a stauner.

Barrett gets intae the ascendency, blocking a powerslam attempt and flattening Big E wae Winds of Change, before gaun for Wasteland, only for the Big Yin tae fight oot. Goes for the spear through the ropes big Barrett blocks it wae a big knee. His second attempt hits the mark, after managing tae dodge the BULLHAYMUR, but spearing a cunt tae the outside of the ring means ye need tae drag him back in for the pin. Its no great strategically tbh, but the big yin likes tae please the crowd. Coupla beautiful Belly tae Belly throws, lead tae the straps comin doon and the diddies comin oot for the Big Ending. His Big Ending attempt is of course reversed intae the BULLHAYMURRRRR. KO. Valiant effort big yin, but I’m afraid yer punching a one way ticket tae mid card obscurity. 

Adam Rose

Zeb and Swagger are oot for some xenophobic patter. There’s a list of potential WWE employees that need deported, and Zebs pointing tae them and making hilariously offensive comments. Sheamus and Paige need deported cause they’re feart of the sun. Then Adam Rose comes oot and offers Zeb his lolly. Thats no a euphemism btw, he did actually offer him the lolly he wis eatin. Swagger gets dumped over the ropes, and Adam Rose dances roon Zeb wae his crew. A fucking stupid way tae debut a potentially decent character. I was never intae Leo Kruger, and this shit is tonnes of fun, but nah. Making Swagger look daft anaw, when he’s done well tae make himself relevant lately. Its a right shame. Who cares but cause we still had…..

The Shield vs The Wyatt Family

Usual story. Infinite brawness. We start wae Seth Rollins punchin Rowans beard a few times, before my main man Luke Harper gets a bit of a doing in the corner. The 5 best guys in the company and their pal Erick Rowan. It’s always a gid time. Harper hits some uppercuts and a lovely suplex, cause ye cannae keep Luke Harper doon. No chance. That’s what you’ve got. Bray delivers a kick tae Rollins, that he sells by rolling oot the ring and spewing up a kidney. Bray follows him oot, and devours the kidney in one gulp.

Ambrose time. Before we get tae talking about that, a quick reminder…

Justice for Ambrose

Slaps and jabs tae Rowan, followed by a cross body and a sleekit dropkick. Takes a wee break fae knockin fuck outta Rowan, tae  dive on Luke Harper, before returning promptly tae Rowan in order tae lock in that perfect portrait of a wrestling move he calls a figure 4. I cannae believe WWE let The Miz disrespect that move for so long, when they had a guy on the roster that actually isnae a complete and utter diddy ride. The Figure 4 wonderfulness is broken up by yer classic Wyatts vs Shield standoff. A classic square go. My favourite guys lookin deep intae each others eyes. Intae their souls. Are ye scared of demons Deano? Daniel Bryan is, so there’s nae shame in it if ye are. He isnae though. Only thing Dean Ambrose fears is ever cracking a genuine smile in public. A real wan like, no the smiles he usually dishes out, which look like smiles, but he’s saying “I’m gonnae pump your missus, film it, and batter ye err the heid wae the tape” wae his eyes. The staredown ends, and Bray gets tae scuddin Ambroses jaw on the apron. A Dean Ambrose vs Bray Wyatt feud must happen, and it must be for aw the belts. Rowan elbowed oor Dean right in the heid after that, and as much as me and Rowan are sound wae each other, I am not on board wae ye elbowing Ambrose mate. Bows before Brose. Its no cool. Rollins gets in there and gets tae diving on Rowan and Harper, before he takes Harper out wae that thing where he sends a cunt face first intae the middle turnbuckle. Follows that up wae a peach of a standing shooting star press, before going for some kinda springboard kick tae the jaw, only for Harper tae catch him and send him flying. Its Harper time baby! Sends Rollins fleein over the announce table wae some LUKE HER SUICIDE DIVES! before draggin him back intae the ring.

Bray gets in and runs intae Rollins wae the big splash in the corner. Steamtrain Bray in full effect. Delivers it almost seductively. There’s yer dinner. Harper gets back in and cheekily decides tae send Reigns aff the apron, before nearly knocking Rollins oot. Ambrose dives in tae save the match and takes a doing aff Bray and Rowan on the outside for his troubles, leaving Harper and Rollins as the only cunts in or around the ring. Rollins fights off Harpers superplex attempt, and hits a flyig boot tae the jaw, but Reignsys up and in amongst it. Reigns in wae Bray. Flying clotheslines delivered tae everycunt. Rowan takes a lariat over the ropes, before Reigns ducks a Harper clothesline and sneaks roon the ride of the ring tae hit Bray wae that apron dropkick. Reigns sets up for the speak, but Rowan stops it and it turns intae an all out brawl. The brawls broken up by Ambrose and Rollins sending Rowan and Harper tae the outside tae catch some ROLLINS AND AMBROOOOSE SUICIDE DIVES right err the announce table. Shield on top. Superman Punch tae Bray, and the only thing left tae dae wis tae send him for some Triple Powerbombing…but….aw fuck OFF.

EVOLUTION IS A MYSTERYYYYYYY…

Evolution come oot tae wreck the whole fuckin thing, cept no really cause it was actually exceedingly braw. The Wyatts are ent outside the ring, just in time tae catch ROLLINS AND AMBROOOOSE SUICIDE DIVES THE SEQUEL. Leaving aw yer  Shieldsies and Wyatts oot cold. Triple H catches a Superman Punch in the ring anaw (the punch happened in the ring like, he didnae Superman Punch him in the erse) but Reignsy forgot Bray wis dwelling behind him, and he caught that brutal flying back elbow before a dose of Sister Abigail for the win.

The Evolution done that thing they dae, where they make me want tae put a hurtin on them. Fuck sake, stop batterin ma boys. Randy Orton blatantly rips off Carmel wae the top rope DDT, before Ambrose takes a horrible laboured looking spinebuster on the steel steps. Triple H lines reigns up for the Peigree, but he fights out of it like only a warrior could. Catches the RKO for his troubles, and The Beak gets raging at his inability tae secure the Pedigree the first time, actually delivering it this time wae an added element of soor faced rage. Hit Reigns wae a Triple Powerbomb tae cap off this heinous attack, cause they’re nuhin but a team of copycatting auld bastards. Ric Flair disnae even like yees anymore ya collection of cretins, and he’s steamin aw the time, so he likes everycunt. Fuck yees.

Cracking match as always between The Shield and The Wyatts and I didnae mind the ending, but at the same time. Justice for Ambrose.

Overall I found RAW a lot more palatable on the second viewing. Wisnae anything special, and these Los Matadores/3MB segments need tae bolt. Enjoyed the Barrett n Big E rematch tae, and Cesaro vs RVD wis awrite till the finish. A right average 6 chinlocks oota 10, and if you’re not down with that….I got 3 words for ya!

Deal with it. 

 

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