WWE RAW Review 12/05/2014


Dean Ambrose.

Rock tha Micra-phone.

Stereo…with the Dean Ambrose

When RAW starts wae Dean Ambrose on the mic, RAW starts aff properly. RAW starts aff the way god intended. His words weren’t spectacular. He told us The Shield are up more than they’re down, which is quite obviously a reference tae whit kinda swedge they’re intae, but he delivers the words in a way that makes me wantae tattoo his name on the back of my haun and go about slapping folk tae they get the message. Dean Ambrose is the guy. He will have justice one day.

Justice for Ambrose

Rollins has some profound words about Evolution and how they “used” tae be good, before the imposing Samoan gentleman in the background drops some mad verbs on us. He’s in nae mood for any shite. Got an almighty doing last week and wisnae keen on a repeat. Reignsy’s still a bit raw on the mic, but I like that he has a style noo at least. Delivering everything he says lit a pickup line. I had ma boxers haufway aff before we were greeted wae Evolution arriving in the arena, and yer Shieldsies beatin them the fuck DOWN. Orton didnae even had a minute tae enjoy the novelty of huvin pockets when him and his wee suit were gettin stomped the fuck oot. Fuckin shame man. The suit life isnae for you Randall. Least when ye get battere in yer pants ye get tae show everyone how good ye are at applying oil tae yer abs. Some refs and weirdly Mike Rotunda broke up the stramash, before Mike Rotunda wis clearly seen whispering “Here…Bray Wyatts ma boay btw” in everyones ears. I dunno why he didnae just announce it tae everyone at the same time, maybe he takes pleasure in tellin folk individually, but I cannae blame the cunt for bein proud. He also fathered Bo-chahontas and as much as he’s improved n that, big Mike isnae at braggin stages wae that one yet. Maybe wan day Bo san. Maybe wan day.

RVD, Swagger, Adam Rose, Zeb and an Evil Bunny

My favourite part of this wis how disgusted JBL wis wae the dancing bunny in Adam Rose’s entourage. Sittin there shaking his heid gaun “MAGGLETHATBUNNYEATCHILDRENMAGGLE!IJUSTKNOWIT.
NOWITAINTTHERE!THATBUNNYROBBEDMEMAGGLE!”  but he’s powerless tae stop Adam Rose and eh Rosebuds dancing roon the side of the ring. This continues tae infuriate me btw. Started wae Fandango but its happened countless times over the past year. Cunts in the ring for a wrestling match, and they get so distracted by folk dancing, they get pumped stupid in the match. Swagger turns roon fae watchin Adam Rose n the gang bouncin roon the ring, and walked straight intae a beauty of a superkick. A wee dose of some 5 star frog splashin tae follow n that wis that.

Soon as the pin an almost possessed smile came over RVD. He sensed there wis drug fuelled antics on the go and went towards it lit a moth tae a fuckin flame. Some things never change eh big yin? As he follows Adam Rose and the gang up the ramp, ye spot him tappin the Evil Bunny on the shoulder and askin whit kinda swedge they were getting intae, but he wis disappointed tae find that they’d be smokin Angel Dust. RVD dont fuck wae no Angel Dust. No since the last time anyway, when he found himself stoatin roon Gatwick Airport, wearin nuhin but his right knee pad, askin folk tae staun back tae back wae him so he could see who was taller. Poor Swagger but eh? Jobbing tae everycunt. Probably gonnae job tae Adam Rose when he eventually starts daein wrestling anaw. Swaggz does aw ra joabs.

Alicia Foxx vs Paige

Looks like yer typical “Paige vs Random Diva” match when ye see Alicia Foxx waiting in the ring for oor Paige, but whit actually occurred was easily one of the most pleasantly surprising things I’ve seen on WWE TV in months. Maybe even years. They took a talented female wrestler, and gave her a fuckin voice. Gave her some identity. She gets on the mic tae tell Paige she’s rubbed a lotta Divas up the wrong way (wid love tae see her rub a few of them up the right way but khamsayin?…eh…amiright? Like…sexually, acccch ye get it) Before battering fuck out her. Lays intae her wae vicious knees tae the gut and diddies, before demanding the ref asks Paige is shes ready. Paige foolishly nods her heid in approval and continues tae get her jaw, erse and everything in between smashed. Tilt o whirl backbreaker, is followed by Paige ettin scudded aff the apron a few times, before Alicia hits that beauty of a Bridging Northern Lights Suplex for a 2 count. Alicia Foxx is quite easily the 3rd best female wrestler in the company, so tae see them actually dae something wae her is cracking tae see. She continues dominating, and hits another stoater of a Northern Lights Suplex, before gettin her in the surfboard. Wisnae a big fan of the finish, as Paige gets literally nae offensive moves in, before fighting out of a chinlock and hitting the Paige Turner. One move, n Alicia goes fae completely dominant tae hauf deid.

Alicia goes daft, and cuts aboot ringside kickin things and bein salty. Gets Soda aw err JBLs jaggit, before bumpin his hat and struttin up the road. I dunno why she seems tae be gettin aff scot-free wae this shit btw. First Sheamus gets away with the HEINOUS theft of the US Title last week, and now this shite? For a PG show, there sure seems tae be a lot of petty theft, and dancing bunnies oan eccies. Anyway…the point here is. Justice for Ambrose.

(Paige also features on Page 11 of this months FSM, widely regarded as the greatest page in the history of published media….buy it 😉 )

Daniel Bryan

Dunno how much of this is kayfabe or whit, but Daniel Bryan comes out and tells us he needs neck surgery. The surgery is legit, but reports are saying he could be back as soon as Payback, so the potential retirement patter he dropped is HOPEFULLY not legit. Either way, nae patter for this ataw. I get the horrible feeling they’re either gonnae strip the belts off him, or have him drop them when he comes back and proceed tae give him a similar burial to the one Dolph Ziglers suffered since Summerslam last year. He cannae be reduced tae full jobber status like, but he’ll go back tae being the guy huvin the best matches every night without the recognition that comes wae it. Whit they should be daein in his absence is building someone up tae a high enough level, that they can feud wae him for the belts. Someone who isnt fuckin Kane. Nae offence tae Kane. But get tae fuck oot ma face man. Why is Kane as dominant and scary as he was 15 year ago, when it wis…well…15 fuckin year ago! He’s 15 years older than he wis then, and generally when folk get 15 years older, they get 15 years slower. Makes nae fuckin sense. Get better soon DBry san, and get that shiter ae a wife of yours some fuckin acting lessons while yer oot, she’s making ye look like a lemon mate, and thats no whit ye want ataw.

Usos and Cena vs The Wyatt Family

I’m fuckin fatigued wae this feud now and its Cenas fault. He’s capable of 100x better than the “effort” he’s gave this feud since Mania. I almost feel like he thinks he’s too good for it. He knows he’s gonnae have tae put Bray over clean at some point and he disnae like it. For aw the beautiful promo work Brays putting in, it never really means anything if he needs the two beardies tae get the win every fuckin time. Always shenanigans afoot, but we should be building Bray tae unbeatable status without any help. Most of the match early doors is oor Luke Herpurrrrr gien The Usos the business. Jimmy hits a twisty cross body type thing, and The Usos are right in the ascendency, but Herrpurrr derails it wae a huge boot tae Jimmys melt. Bray gets in and stomps on an Usos throat, before Harper gets back in and does yon gator roll. Camera cuts tae Cenas glaikit fuckin coupon, eye fuckin the Uso currently gettin his shit ruined. “Please get up Mr Uso…I’ve not had my hot tag yet” Fuck yer hot tag. Fuck yer general lack of any effort in this match. Fuck the fact that when ye did get in and Bray had ye set up for Sister Abigail. Ye had yer eyes open and ye were actually looking for the save. A camera wis on his face and ye seen him lookin for one of the Usos tae save him. Nae attempt tae sell the beating he’d just took. Before that, he has a wee lie doon on Erick Rowan and has the audacity tae call it and STF. Bray breaks it up, foes for Sister Abigail, but an Uso superkicks Bray tae put a stop tae it, before yer Usos combine tae Superkick Bray and Harper tae the outside, and dae yon double dive. USOSINSTEREOMAGGLEYOUGOTTALOVEIT?! Cena hits Rowan wae the AA. Game err.

It would be really suhin special if Cena could pretend he gives a fuck about this. I dunno whit it is about his demeanour, but it reeks of a cunt phoning it in. As anycunt will know whos read my shit for a while, I like Cena a lot. More than most folk over the age of 12. No even just for his excellent matches wae Punk, Bryan and even Orton at times, but I like what he represents. I like his commitment tae improving himself and doing whits best for the company, but I feel like he’s no giving everything he has tae this, and thats a fuckin shame for Bray. This feud could easily have him well on the way tae superstardom, but unless he wins convincingly and cleanly at Payback, its aw been for fuck all if ye ask me. Gets on the mic and thanks John for showing him what he must do. Follow. The. Buzzards.

Evolution n that

Batista stompin aboot greetin. Orton stompin aboot greetin. Big Dave and Randall are back in their wee pants n t-shirts. Musta shat their suits when The Shield leathered them earlier. Triple H draps some terrible patter about The Shield waving sticks at things. Aye cool, yees wantae shut fuckin up? I’m intae this feud now, purely down to how fuckin unspeakably braw their match was at Extreme Rules, but self indulgent promos like this can get fucked. Talkin smack about Dean Ambrose when ye stole his belt. Talking about leathering ma Roman n Seth anaw. JUSTICE 4 AMBROSE btw. 

Triple H is lookin like he’s ready tae wrap this self involved pile of baws up, when outta naewhere Rollins sneaks up behind him and sweeps his legs. Lands flat on that gargantuan beak of his, but unfortuantely for him it didnae actually flatten the beak. The Shieldsies clear the beak and the bawbags oot, before Bawheidsta calls oot Reigns. Thats yer main event for the evening, and despite repeating himsel hunners and lookin like he’s about tae greet, I actually bought intae Batistas words. He said them like he meant them. Liked his match on Smackdown last week anaw. Whit the fuck’s happenin here. I better no be startin tae like Batista man. First The Big Guy, and now this tube. Nah but, Batistas still a big fanny.

Natalya, a Bella…a mess

Nah. I review wrestling shows meht. If I wanted tae review reality tv, I’d review Swedish Big Brother or suhin. Suhin wae shaggin in it anyway. Natalya is upset cause Brie made fun of her painting, while the other Total Divas staun at ringside, haudin up scorecards during their “match”. Brie Bella just watched her husband say he might need tae retire, and she’s consoling hersell by rating a shoving match outta 10. Aye cool. Fuck this. Sorry Natty darlin, ye looked delectable as usual, n its no your fault they make ye dae really weird, outta proportion paintings tae get this stupid reality tv show over, but it is whit it is dawl. Keep fightin the gid fight and remember…Martys in yer corner.

Fuckin aye…somedy won. Probably. Who gives a fuck? On tae the newest inductees intae the Hall of Boayzies.

Rybaxel vs Sheamus

Rybaxel are a puzzling thing tae me. As singles I disliked them both quite a large amount. Ryback tae me wis  botchy big personality-less idiot, who didnae deserve even a sniff at the world title picture, but seemed tae be gettin pushed up the card cause he had large, and decidedly square diddies. Axel is easily one of the best wrestlers in the company, and thats aw well and good big yin, but if yer pre match promo sends everycunt tae sleep, you being good in the ring disnae really matter a fuck does it? See when they came together, and Ryback seemingly stopped gien anythin resembling a fuck about how he conducted himself? Fuck knows man, suhin magic happened. Him and Axel formed an unbreakable bond based on them baith being deemed too shite for Heyman tae continue representing them and since then they’ve been a team I’ve been intae pretty much aw their endevours. Fae Rybacks mental twitter ramblings, tae their hilarious wee stints on commentary, and finally…this beautiful shit. They’re trying tae figure out who’s facing Sheamus, n after Rock, Paper, Scissors bears no fruit, they go tae a coin flip. Axel wins that so Ryback’s lit that “Big Guy Out!” and it wis easily the maist hilarious shit I’ve ever seen. If you dont love the big guy, I dont love you. Even if yer ma maw or suhin. This is a dealbreaker.

Axel and Sheamus work a nice wee 2-3 minute match, which included a lovely suspended neckbreaker fae the corner by Axel, but outta naewhere the belt stealin, pigmentation free, gormless big fuckin WANK taps Axel oot wae the Texas Cloverleaf.
Ryback gets understandably fuckin incensed by the doing his pal is gettin, and is seen batterin the side of his heid lit Dustin Hoffman does in Rain Man, before screamin “GET AFF MA BESTIE!” n running in in tae make the save. Sheamus immediately instigates a match between the two, cause apparently he’s no heard that The Big Guy disnae stop tae his opponents have been crushed. He hits a mad powerslam type thing, before gaun for the big splash but Sheamus gets the knees up. Sheamus then does aw the usual shite. Running knee, double axe handles, that fuckin horredous spot. Ye know that wan? Mighta mentioned it a few times and my VEHEMENT FUCKIN HATRED FOR IT. It has a name, 10 beats ah suhin. 10 beats ah GET THAT FUCKIN STUPID SPOT OOT MA FUCKIN FACE. Ryback goes for SHell Shock but disnae hit it, and Sheamus gets a two count wae White Noise. Then Brogue. Of course Brogue. Always fuckin broke. The only viable challengers tae the tag belts buried by a belt stealin ginger ghost. Entertaining as fuck, but still. AH WANTED THE BIG GUY TAE WIN. He takes a powerslam, tries for Shell Shock again, before taking the aforementioned brogue, and takes himsell up the road for an aw night sesh on Halo 3 wae Axel.

A pile of fuckin bollocks

Steph gien it patter about DBry having the heart of a champion or whitever. She wants a word wae him, but instead Kane drags his lifeless body out on tae the stage and leave it there. So the guy ye put over strong as fuck at yer marquee PPV gets battered every week by the guy who wis involved in a 2 minute squash on that same PPV? Aaaaaaaye cool. Fuck this. If yer gonnae strip the belts aff ma main man, just fuckin get it over wae will ye? Yer breaking ma fuckin heart here. Sake. Brie does a bit of shoutin in Stephs face, and Steph looks away intae the distance, probably thinkin “this lassie is the single worst person in the civilised world….how can she no scream? Aw burds can scream…mibbe shes got a boaby”

BrieBry can get tae fuck.

Fandango looks lit a rerr winch

We get a wee clip of Fandnago winchin Summer Rae on Total Divas. Then a clip of him winchin Layla a few times and aw that really says tae me is that Fandango is a rerr winch, and should take great pride in that. Both ladies looked extremely satisfied with what occurred, and probably wound up satisfied fae the serious boabin he delivered tae them afterwards.

Fandango vs Dolph Ziggler 

Ach I wis riiight intae this, but they bogged it doon wae hunners of Layla shenangians. Starts off beautiful wae some waistlockin and leapfrogging, before Fandango hits a pair of beautiful armdrags. Sends Dolph tae the outside with a backdrop after that, which Dolph sells like he took a scud missile tae the jaw. Fandango is lookin strong as fuck early on, but oor Dolph rallies and hits a hunner jabs, before Fandango doges the fame-asser and hits a peach of a Sitout Suplex. Goes up top for the lying legdrop, but Ziggler sneaks the fame-asser in after dodging it, then fuckin….ugh…Layla. I’m enjoyin how much we’re seeing of Layla and her charms, but there wis nae need for her involvement here ataw. Layla gets caught in the apron and Dolph hits the ZigZag for the win. Does nothing for anycunt really. We implying the perfect specimen known as Dolph Ziggler needs burds gettin tangled in aprons tae win matches?

Fandango tells Layla its awrite. Disnae matter that he lost the match, cause she’s won somethin much mare valuable, and thats his heart. Then he gets tongue deep in that broad wae another stoater of a winch. The boay kens way roon a burds gub, that’s for true.

Hacksaw kinda bothers me…sorry

Always has really. I’m no American, nor am I a fan of cunts bein loud, and aw Hacksaw’s ever been is a guy who’s really loud and really American a lot. He talks aboot Legends House a bit and looks confused before my queen appears and the world made sense.

Hi Lana

I know I wrote tae ye last week. I’m sure ye were very charmed, but this follow up might be overkill eh? I wis thinkin that. Had nae intention of writing tae ye this week ataw, then ye referred tae Hacksaw as “Hacksaw Jim Dooooooogan” and I dunno. I think that wis when I fell for ye. It wis the first time I seen ye as more than a burd that I widnae mind setting me on fire and puttin that fire oot by stompin aw err me wae yer high heels. I saw ye in person on Wednesday, and anytime I stared at ye for mare than 5 seconds at a time, I started salivating fae ma third eye. I just want ye tae be mine. I just want ye tae knock aw ma teeth oot, staple them tae Hacksaws 2×4, and knock fuck oot me wae it. 

Marry me?

Rusev comes stoatin oot tae hopefully batter fuck oota Hacksaw. Is that disrespectful of me tae wish for the auld cunt tae take a doing? Perhaps. Dae I gie a fuck? A wee bit actually, I dae feel bad, but no bad enough tae want it tae stop. Lana gies MEEESTAR DOOGAN a chance tae beg for mercy, and he refuses, so Rusev breaks the 2×4 err his knee. Lana tells Rusev tae crush (unbelievably erotic in person btw, she proper screams it cause she kens theres nae tele mics kickin aboot and its just…shes just…aww…magnificent) Big E comes oot tae make the save, and as much as I’m intae a potential feud between these two, I wisnae a big fan of Big E getting a doing. Took a stoater of a superkick, and rolls tae the outside where Hacksaw held him and his dazzling diddies ever so gently, n tellt him it wis aw gonnae be ok. It probably isnae though. Nae IC belt and now nae bottom hauf of his jaw efter that Superkick. Been a rough few weeks for the cunt.

Cody Rhodes vs Damien Sandow

Just fuckin split them up man. We know its happenin. Goldust has pretty much been Codys valet for a month, so he can oversee aw his failures, Cody gets annoyed at him n storms aff. The match between these two wis predictably braw. Fuckin miss them as a tag team, and their wee feud after MITB was a beauty. Sandow takes Cody down wae an innovative wee leg sweep, before hitting a beauty of a snap suplex. Cody gets a coupla 1 counts wae sloppy rollups, before Sandow drops him on the middle rope and dives on him erse first. Misses wae the Elbow of Disdain, so he does a modified vesion of it on the apron and looks understandably pleased wae his efforts there. Gid show Damo. Cody fights ootae chinlock and near takes Sandows perfectly bearded coupon aff wae a clothesline. Missile dropkick tae follow, before Cody kicks him square in the chest. Goes for Cross Rhodes, but Sandow blocked it and smacks fuck outta Cody in the corner, and then we get a wee twist in the tale! Wid ye believe it!? Goldy provides a wee distraction lit any good valet should, Cody rakes his eyes fur him after that and POW. Disaster Kick. Games a bogey. Didnae have ye doon as a cheater Cody san, but savour the win. Must be yer first fae about January or suhin. 

A Bo Dallas vingette. Bo Dallas is an incredibly wet man. In aw areas of life. Wet patter, wet hair, wet wrasslin pants. Wet fae heid tae toe. At that show at the Hydro, I swear tae ye, I’ve never seen a guy so wet. Its remarkable. He came oot drenched, stayed drenched for the whole match, and went hame drenched. Cunt wis straight up wringin. 


I dunno whit this promo wis. It wis lovely. Of course it wis, but aye….it seems a bit more aimless than his usual stuff. Chattin about Cenas boundless narcissim continually leadin him tae Bray. He rounds it aff wae issuing a challenge for a Last Man Standing match at Payback and I am most certainly intae that. Chances of it are remote like, but IF Bray wis tae beat Cena in a last man sranding match with little or nae help, then that might take him tae where he needs tae be. Fuck knows whit’s happenin wae the big belts, but the next memorale feud involving them, should involve Bray Wyatt if yer askin this guy (I’m just wan guy but, ye shouldnae listen tae anything I say…mibbe if I wis THE BIG GUY…but much to my great sorrow…I’m no)

Reignsy vs Dave 

Ach I wis disappointed wae this, but it just shows ye how far Reigns still has to come as a wrestler. Seth Rollins carried Batista tae a braw match on Smackdown last week, but Reigns proved incapable of doing the same here. I found it awfy slow. A more effective measuring stick for their talents widda been a spear off if ye ask me, wae an impartial panel of judges gien the spears marks oota 10. Fuckin babbling here, cause theres ride aw tae say about the match really. Reigns misses wae a flying jab in the corner after 2-3 minutes of fuck all, before Batista hits a big lariat in the corner. Sends Reignsy shoulder first intae the ringpost. Mare boring shite, before Reignsy fuckin exploded oot the corner wae a beauty of a clothesline, then yer Evolution and Shield boayzies rise tae the apron for some reason, before climbing doon. Reigns hits fae a big lariat in the corner, before we seen suhin spot-taclar fae The Shield. (get it…cause it wis a spotfest? I know…its too much) Big Reignsy is gaun for that apron dropkick, but a Beak and a Bawbag stand in his way, only for them tae catch an indiscriminately sexy double suicide dive fae Ambrose and Rollins, leaving the path clear for Reignsy tae smash big Daves temple in wae the apron dropkick. Reignsy ooked tae big Batista away wae the Superman Punch, but Trips drags him oot before he can even type “Batistas glaikit jaw” intae the Superman Punch satnav. Tries tae pedigree the Samoan Shagger, but Rollins jumps aw err The Beak and we’ve got us a stramash.

The Hounds of Juistice (for Ambrose) stomp fuck oota Evolution, but then aw the heels come oot and start leatherin The Shield. Usual depressing story. Sent Deano tae the outside and he landed right heavily. Looked awfy sare. No fair in the slightest. The beak goes tae crack oor Reignsy wae a chair, but being the fuckin warrior that he is, he breaks free of the dastardly clutches of the heel collective, and spears the beak right oot his Doc Martens. Ambrose and Rollins suddenly start swinging chairs aboot like daggers, and Heath Slater takes a stoater of a Superman Punch, before everyones favourite BIG GUY took the spear, AND  The Triple Powerbomb. Know whit that means for The Big Guy though? Exposure mate. Front and centre. This is the big guys show. RAW is BIG GUY.

Overall, much like RAW most weeks lately, I wis heavily intae a some of it, but indifferent tae most. The Shield stuff is stellar every week, but Cenas lack of arsedness about the Wyatt angle, and the DBry confusion is a consistent drag. Also…nae fuckin Cesaro. Ataw. Nae Cesaro in Glesga either. WHERE IS CESARO? WHERE ARE NIPS? 6.345 Fame-Assers oota 10. Bingo.

Big Guy daft these days, so here’s a drawing I done ages ago.



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