I was hoping for more wrestling this week. There wasn’t. I was hoping for less talk. There wasn’t. Basically I was wishing for a great degree of change from last week’s show and there just wasn’t. It’s a sad state of affairs. Fret not as I’m here to hold your hand and guide you through this week’s edition of Impact, I’ll make it that wee bit more bearable.
Someone said to me last week that I’d ‘turned heel’ for giving Impact a negative review. Nah. I’m just honest. As a fan I should be entertained not left feeling like I need a 2 week long shower.
So here we are it’s Impact time again, brace yourselves for loads of wrastling and by loads I mean none.
EY’s looking for MVP in the parking garage. A black limo rolls up and EY tries to batter MVP in the limo. Security brakes it up and drags EY away. MVP smirked and I smashed my telly into a thousand pieces meaning I never saw the rest of the show. The end. Naaah I never but I wanted to. He tells EY to be careful with all that energy. FUCK MVP.
EY’s music plays as the crowd erupted with ‘YES’ chants. Nah they never, I’m just pulling your leg. He says he woke up last Friday thinking this was all a dream but it’s really a nightmare. Someone he trusted turned his back on him. The crowd cheer because they are fucking morons, you’d have to be to be an MVP fan, tehe. Ey says everyone put their trust in MVP hoping that he’d make change. He says he’ll have to take the TNA title from him, all he had to do was ask for a title shot but since he didn’t go down that route he better be careful what he wishes for because EY is not right. That’s the words he said “because i’m not right”. Aye ok. MVP responded via video screen. He said EY can throw all the verbal jabs he wants but he’s wasting his time. That he should be thankful that he even put him in the the number 1 contender gauntlet match. He says he didn’t think EY had any chance of winning it. But all it’s done is speed up his plan to get his hands on the belt. Definite power is with the title. He says he’s lost all power but he want’s it back and power comes from the TNA title. He’ll let EY keep the title until Slammiversary then he can return to being an insignificant nobody. EY says he wants to fight MVP tonight and he responds by saying if that’s how you feel you better be wary of my security.
I am so sorry for wasting your time by writing so many words about a segment that was not interesting in any way, shape of form. I feel i have insulted you. I like to be as detailed as I possibly can, so you don’t miss anything. It’s an especially difficult task when you are reviewing something that’s so utterly shite so please don’t be mad instead sympathise with me.
The first of MANY ‘Dixie’s Home’ video’s. Spud and Dixie are driving around Nashville. They arrive at Dixie’s gaff where Bully has vandalized the outside. DIXIE FEARS BULLY. Compelling stuff and by compelling i mean this isn’t wrestling, get it to fuck.
A man once said ‘Approach me now and await your fate. That man is Willow and he actually said it twice because he’s obviously on some belter class a’s.
Willow is pacing around on a staircase for some reason, spooky bitches do that I suppose. Magnus attacks him, or at least attempts to but instead Willow throws him down the stairs. Willow begins laying into Magnus, beating him to the production area. Bram shows coopin and attacks Willow from behind. They beat him to ringside and knock him into the ring to officially start the match.
WILLOW v MAGNUS & BRAM(handicap match)
Bram knocks Willow about for a wee bit before tagging in Magnus who begins beating Willow down. Bram’s back in and continues to work on him, but he manages to fight Bram back, he dropkicks him across the ring then lands a corner attack. Bram wasn’t to phased and manages to tag Magnus back in. Bram decides now’s the time for weapons, he has a wee look under the ring pulling out something, I say something because I had no fucking clue what it was. I like to think my weapon knowledge is top notch, but it would seem it’s not. So aye let’s leave it at weapon. He rolls it into the ring to Magnus’ feet. Magnus taps his head insinuating that he doesn’t want to be DQ’ed nor does he need the weapon then proceeds to roll it back out. But an inside cradle from Willow gets him the pin and win. Willow smartly gets the fuck outta there. Bram’s all that raging way and gives Magnus some grief for not using the weapon. Magnus holds his position, says he’s not going to win like that.
The boises aren’t on the same page it would seem. And guess wit? I don’t give anything resembling a fuck, resembling a shit, resembling an emotion. I just do not care. Willow’s cool but my reason for that may or may not be because I’m a girl.
Ey’s looking for MVP. He’s not in his office. He starts overturning the furniture and knocking things down. Has a look at what he’s done then walks off. Cool…
‘Dixie’s Home’ video’. These were mind numbingly stupid and made me somewhat offfended. What is this shit and why does it not feature any wrestling? Why am I forcing myself to watch this? Dixie and Spud look at the graffiti on the outside of the house. She gets a call from Bully which is coming from the inside of her house. She’s raging as she approaches the front door, she tells Spud to go in ahead of her and find Bully.
Gail Kim’s out, she says she’s not here for make overs or evening gown matches, she says she’s the hardest working knockout on the roster. Babyface line of the night. I’m assuming this was Gail’s face turn, right? She say’s she’s ready to fight. I’m ready to watch
The Beautiful People emerge. Angelina says Gail looks ugly in jealousy and her outfit is awful. I love this shit by the way. In my eye’s nobody play’s mean girls better than Angelina and Velvet. She says Gail is a damn good wrestler but she isn’t champ and never will be. They make their way to the ring seemingly accepting Gail’s challenge. Velvet blind sides Gail and Angelina calls for TBP’s personal ref, Stifler.
GAIL KIM v VELVET SKY
Velvet gains control early using some cheating tactics. She knocks Gail to the outside where Angelina get’s some offence in while Stifler distracted himself. Hahaha Stifler’s a wee heel ref. Velvet rolls Gail back in the ring and put’s a paper bag on her head and gives her a wee kick. Velvet waste’s some time posing and saying something to Stifler, I was pretty bored, it wasn’t much of a match really. Gail connects with a surprise Eat Defeat and get’s the win. Wrestler’s never learn eh? The rule is WATCH YER BACK. I shouted at my telly ever so loud but Gail didn’t take my advice and is attacked from behind by Angelina, she helps Velvet to her feet and TBP stand tall over Gail. I guess this mean’s Gail’s in line for a KO title shot.
Aye so that was a match, I use the term match loosely. I like TBP, and I’m happier than a thing that’s really happy that they’ve reformed, as I mentioned nobody does the mean girls gimmick better than these two, for me some of their past work is incredibly underrated. You geninely love to hate them. I love their tits.
We see a post match interview from EC3 after his match with Angle last week. EC3 brags to Bawrash about tearing Kurt’s ACL, he says if that’s Angle’s last match then what a way to go out against him. He declares this is his world now after taking out another legend. I was trying to feed him some cereal at this point but he didny want any, s’rang wae shredded wheat I asked.
Kaz is out. Wee Kaz, I just want to give him a cuddle, a loving and warm cuddle and tell him it’s all gonnae be ok, and that he has to trust me. He’s set to face Crazy Steve. Crazy Steve makes his way out accompanied by Rebel. Knux and the Freak followed to observe the match.
CRAZY STEVE (w/The Menagerie) v KAZ
I was screaming at my telly ‘YER JUST A SHITE JAM O’MALLEY, SHITE JAM O’MALLEY, SHITE JAM O’MALLEY as Steve stumbled into the ring. The menagerie’s tune was still playing, the bell rings eventually while the music kept playing and i was like that ‘shut up’. Steve hands out ballons, one to the ref then tries to hand Kaz one who responds with a slap, the music’s still playing by the way. Kaz chucks Steve through the ropes to the floor. Music looping for a fourth time here. Steve does some stretches before placing some balloons in the centre of the ring. He splashes a couple then pops the remaining balloons, it was stupid. Yer no a shite jam o’malley yer just a shit shite or something. The Freak gets on the ring apron and does something, probably done some sort of muscle pose, Rebel done something to but I was to busy looking at her cracking erse to pay attention. Steve then skanted the ref thus getting himself DQ’ed. Taz says he didn’t even know a match was going on and I punched my head hard because fuck you Taz.
The menagerie’s tune played throughout this burial of Kaz which made the whole thing much, much worse. It also didn’t make any sense, the whole point of this stable existing is so Knux can send cash back to his hometown carnival. Steve lost so no money. Zero logic. Get this shite oot my face.
ps Kaz has finally left apparently, which is great news.
YAAAAAY it’s my main man A Double, greatest X-Divisioner of all time, greatest TNA champ of all time and greatest cat of all time. Disagree? Then we fight. Aries awaits MVP coming out the bog, he’s in daen a big reeking shite. Aries says MVP’s cheap suit didn’t fool him for a second then punches a security guard. The other security guards hold Aries and MVP punches him hard in the gut. Security hauls Aries away. EY jumps MVP from behind. And that’s the last wee see of Aries, and so far the Aries side of things is the only thing that has interested me. WAH. Break time.
Once we return we see EY brawling with MVP around the backstage area. EY goes to whip MVP but he reverses it and throws him into a truck. He puts EY’s arm inside a steel chair and smashes it. EY does a wonderful job of selling the pain. MVP wraps his tie around EY and tries hanging him over his back. The fight moves into the Impact zone. The crowd are deed. MVP continues to beat down EY until he manages to make a comeback. EY knocks MVP down onto the stage but he walks into a boot to the gut. MVP with some knees to the mid section then he knocks EY down the ramp. MVP delivers a kick to the injured left arm and rolls him into the ring. EY tackles MVP and lands some right hands but MVP fights back and regains control. Security finally make their way to the ring and pull MVP off EY. They both manage to break free from security, MVP tells them to leave the ring. Two security members remain and hold EY before MVP delivers a low blow. MVP tells the two security guards to leave the ring. He scoops EY up who is completely lifeless and delivers a single arm DDT to the injured arm. EY sold the pain as MVP grabbed a mic. I was sitting there with absolutely no emotion on my face, and I mark out for the littlest of things, I’m easily pleased and this pleased me zero, offended all of my senses. MVP says EY made his point and that he’ll get his World Title match TONIGHT. Wait, am I supposed to be excited? EY continued to sell the injury as MVP headed to the back. Taz says ‘that’s pretty convenient agreeing to the title match after injuring EY’. IS IT AYE!? I punched my heed again in hope that it would kill me or at least knock me unconcious for ten days. Fuck Taz. Fuck MVP. EY’s awright.
Another ‘Dixie’s home’ video. Ripped my heart out and ate it before I died. Spud wander’s around the house looking at the mess and damage Bully has done. He hears Bully’s voice and hides behind a couch. Bully asks why the camera man is here, he tells him Dixie sent us. By saying us Bully figures Spud’s there and grabs him from behind the couch. He tells the cameraman not to go anywhere. PISH. See Bully right, he’s in the best shape of his entire career, some of his recent stuff in TNA has been amazing gear, but this? Naaaah. It can get itself to absolute fuck. TNA have a very talented roster with nae clue how to use them. Bully is easily one of the best heels in wrestling today, maybe even ever.
MR. ANDERSON(Anderson) v JAMES STORM
I took a drink of milkshake. Please don’t be fooled by this ‘lassies can multi task’ pish because they cannot by they I mean me. I missed what happened as I gulped down a delicious strawberry milkshake and after the gulping I saw the match had moved to the floor. Anderson rams Storm dome first into a guardrail. Storm comes to and hits Anderson with an arm snap on the ring steps. They roll back into the ring. Storm delivers a low blow out of the ref’s view. He goes for a pin with his feet on the ropes but Stifler see’s and stops the count. Storm nails Anderson with a spike DDT and get’s a 2 count. Storm goes to the outside and grabbed a beer bottle. He takes a scoop. He goes to hit Anderson with it but he manages to counter it and goes for the Mic Check but as Stifler disposes of the bottle Storm spews the beer in his gub on Anderson’s face. For someone who loves beer he sure wastes alot of it. Storm nails a superkick and get’s the win.
The match was ok. Nothing startling, a match you’d forget about in an instant also I noticed Storm’s changed his song to a moody cowboy song and this annoyed me HUNNERS. Longnecks and rednecks is a tune, the moody cowboy tune is not a tune. ps BRING BACK BEER MONEY.
We see a highlights from Sacrifice showing Anderson commiting Sam Shaw with help from Christy Hemme. And they actually refer to Shaw as ‘the creepy bastard’ which is absolutely hilarious.
Another video, Sam Shaw’s in a straightjaisket sitting in a padded room. Hahaha. What is this!? Some guy tells him that someone is here to see him. He repeatedely says ‘Christy’…..
ANOTHER video, this time it shows Sanada running a treadmill. Then shows him studying matches ahead of tonight’s show. He says he must be more prepared than all of his opponents i was like that ‘sound’.
X Div champ SANADA v TIGRE UNO v D.J. ZEMA (three way match for the X Div title)
Tenay reminds us all that whoever wins this has a chance to cash the X Div belt in for a chace at the TNA title shot a Destination X which was a useful piece of info. At this point I started thinking about Aries getting a shot at the World title and it made me smile, then I remembered his match with Roode where he won it and all the nice confetti poured down as tears poured down my face then I remembered there was a match going on. Dunno what happened before hand but when I paid attention I saw Tigre nock both men out the ring and double splash them which was cool. Once back in the ring Tigre heads to the top rope, Zema stops it by crotching him. Sanada flew from the top rope with a mighty chop to Zema’s head and then connects with a tiger suplex with a bridge and gets the 1,2,3.
It was an ok match
ANOTHER ‘Dixie’s home’ video. GO AWAY. Dixie’s mobile rings as she stands outside at her front door, she ask’s if Bully’s in the house(she thinks it’s Spud), but Bully answers, and say’s it’s a shame she’s all alone now. Naw it’s no, get her put threw a table.
ANOTHER video, is this night of the fucking videos and nae wrestling? Sam Shaw’s still sitting in the padded room. Gunner walks in and sits down next to him. He says he’s here because he thinks Shaw needs someone to talk to. Shaw says nothing.
ANOTHER video. Shows us EC3 taking out Angle last week. Taz and Tenay wish Angle aw ra best in his recovery and hope to see him back in the ring real soon. A WWE ring right? Look I don’t want to come across as someone who loves WWE and hates on TNA. It’s not like that. I like to think I fairly judge both. When it comes to Angle I think WWE is his real home, to me there will always be a place for him there. Also imagine DBry v Angle. Go on, imagine it! It would be wonderful. What’s Angle got left to prove in TNA anyways? Nothing. So why not eh? Just needs to get his dome in gear and then we’re good to go.
FUCK SAKE. This is ridiculous. Aye, you guessed it another ‘dixie’s home’ video, I didn’t want to look. I didn’t want to feel. I wanted everything to be nothing. Dixie’s looking about her gaff for Bully. She finds Spud lying deed on the floor. Ray’s hiding behind the door. He asks Dixie if she thought this would come to this. He tells her I’m standing in your home because of you. If only you didn’t do what you did at Sacrifice. Dixie ATTEMPTED to act scared, attempted being the key word, attempted being a word I just shouted at you. She makes me furious. She thinks she can pencil herself into the show as the big bad boss lady when she cannot act in the slightest. She’s definitely improved but is still completely unconvincing and make’s whatever she’s involved in utter garbage. Bit harsh maybe. I can’t even be sorry.
Another video, how can this be? It shows MVP cancelling Roode’s title shot last week and sending Roode home then suspending him. Shows his heel turn when he turned on EY. Taz says he’s sure Roode will be back…sooner or later. Be sooner. Roode’s better than this. Longest reigning champ. The best in TNA, arguably. By arguably I mean definitely.
EY makes his way to the ring, selling the sore arm from the attack earlier. MVP makes his way to the ring his cockyness insinuating this will be an easy victory for him. EY attacks MVP ringside but MVP manages to whip Young shoulder first into the ring steps.
TNA World Heavyweight champ ERIC YOUNG v MVP(for the belt)
This match finally gets started. MVP beats down EY. EY comes to and climbs to the top turnbuckle but suddenly Kenny King appears and starts battering EY. The ref calls for the bell meaning EY retains. King lays into Young and MVP demands the ref restart the match. Wee Hebner refuses and King punches him. Tenay and Taz play this up as being a shock since King hated MVP recently. They begin kicking EY. MVP pats king on the head to signify they are boises. Tenay said this made nae sense to him. Then someone’s music played to no reaction. Then we saw it was Bobby Lashley, still no reaction because it’s Bobby Lashley and he hasn’t been relevant in years/ever. MVP and King acted like they were feert. Suddenly Lashley nails EY with a spear. King brought some weapons into the ring for a weapon paerty. By that I mean he throws a few chairs in the ring. Lashley powerslams EY into the chairs as MVP holds up the TNA title standing over EY. Taz says this is bad. Is it aye?
They 3 men left as EVOLUTION IS A MYSTERY played. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I’m joking. But aye. The Black Evolution. That’s what this is right? The authority figure turning heel trying to steal the belt from the bearded guy who overcomes all the odds everytime, joining forces with two dunder heeds. King’s awright, he said my hair was pretty and called me babydoll so he’s sound. Lashley though? His traps might be mighty but at the end of the day they belong to him so how can you envy something of his. Sorry i’ve just never been a fan and he never sticks around long enough for the storyline to make sense so he can bolt.
Impact was shite. Riddled with videos and very little wrestling. In all honesty the show offended me that much I legitimately wrote an email to both David Lagana and Matt Conway, the creative team.
For David Lagana and Matt Conway
I never thought anyone could do a worse job than Russo. I was wrong. It’d be ever so good if you were to actually think of some new and original idea’s for the show and stop being incredibly lazy. Stop trying to be something you aren’t, stop making it about things that have already happened elsewhere. Stop being shite. You are creative writers, so start being creative.
I sent this email to TNA offices. FUCK THE CREATIVE TEAM. No response so far.