Pro Wrestling Elite – No Turning Back Review

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So Ayr’s a lovely toon eh? I know it’s a tad unusual tae start a wrestling review praising the toon the show was held in, but I hadn’t been tae Ayr since I wis a wee yin, and let me tell ye, it’s a delight. The kind of place ye could see yersell strolling through the main street, arm in arm wae yer one true love, hauf bottle of yer finest Blue MD in yer back pocket, headin tae the Toon Hall for a wee bit of the wrasslin. Unfortunately I had nae true love, or MD with me on this expedition, but I did have my driver and I did have a wrestling show at the Toon Hall tae attend. A wrestling show which contained a mixture of the best in UK Talent, and the physical anomaly known as Uhaa Nation. Uhaa fuckin’ Nation. A marvel of a man. I swear, this cunt is a bawhair aff 300 pounds, and we saw him dae a double standing moonsault in what felt like one motion. I dunno if I’ll ever get over that tbh, but before that we had some other guys daein some very entertaining things indeed. Wantae hear about them? Who am I askin. Ye widnae have clicked the link if ye didnae, so mon in n I’ll tell ye eh.

Noam Dar and Andy Wild vs Project Ego

A beauty of a match tae kick us off, with local hero (apologies tae Joe Hendry for any copyright infringement there) Noam Dar teaming wae his big pal, and former PWE Champ Andy Wild, tae take on one of the best teams in Europe, Project Ego. Dar loosens up early on by asking a young lassie in the crowd he knows here fae somewhere, before realising that they get the same bus. See thats funny cause its a local show, n it’s actually no enitrely unlikely that they get the same bus. Aw wis that obvious aye? Well it took me a while tae work it oot, so get it up ye.

Anyway. Wrestling broke oot, and it wis exceedingly braw when it did. Starting off with a cagey but engaging exchange of armbars and wristlocks between Dar and Kris Travis, before oor Noam gets the upper hand some chops and a stuff uppercut intae the corner, followed by a belter of a running clothesline. Martin Kirby gets in soon after, but Dar and Wild manage to isolate the bold yin, wae Andy Wild getting him in a modified surfboard. I think the last I seen Wild personally was at the ICW Square Go, and he seems tae be grander these days. “Bulking” I believe the weans cry it. It’s no about packing on the beef through curries, curly wurlies, and flumps…its about eatin raw steaks, and uprooting trees wae yer bare hands for maximum chest girth. Wild uses every morsel of that extra strength to hit a thunderous backbreaker on Kirby.

Kirby hits back with a running shoulder tackle in the corner, before Travis gets in finally and lets loose with a back elbow and clotheslines, before hitting Dar and Wild with a combination Bulldog and Clothesline (I’m sure Wild caught the Bulldog and Dar the Clothesline, but the important thing tae remember is that it happened in one motion and it wis fuckin braw) Its followed by Dar unloading on both members of Project Ego with kicks and chops, before Andy Wild goes for the Gutwrench Powerbomb, only to be told by Martin Kirby to STOP!….Kirbys cheekiness got the job done for his team, as a startled Wild stopped in his tracks, just long enough tae receive a brutal kick to the back of the head from Kirby, before him and Travis combined tae hit a double team move for the win. The teams embraced in a gentlemanly handshake afterwards, before Dar turned his attentions to his good pal Andy Wild.

These two-faced each other in the final to determine who would become the first PWE Champion, so despite being pals, there’s a wee bit of score still tae be settled between them. After an exchange of patter, where Dar assured Andy Wild that they wid be hittin up Club De Mar later on the prowl for a durty or three, Dar and Wild come to the agreement that the only way tae find out who the better man between them, is tae have themselves one last match at Gradomania. Anyone who’s ever had the good fortune tae see these two in the ring together, will know how much of a stauner inducing beauty of a match that is. For me there isnae two guys in Scottish Wrestling today with more chemistry in the ring than these two and I am positively salivating tae bear witness tae it when it comes about.

Davey Blaze and TJ Rage vs Lou King Sharp

This was originally supposed tae be Joe Coffey taking on Blaze and Rage, but Joe supposedly no showed after shiteing his pants at the prospect of Blaze and Rage knockin fuck out him. That was their manager Charles Boddingtons story anyway, but it all led tae Blaze and Rage being faced with something a wee bit different. Something a wee bit special if ye don’t mind me saying so (no really got much choice in the matter, its gettin said anyway) in the form of Lou King Sharp. Lou King Sharp is rarity in wrestling these days, as not only is he an extremely talented wrestler, but he seems to have perfected his character at a very early stage. When I saw him last week at PBW, he was playing the wee arsehole greetin faced heel, and he had it down to a fuckin T. Screamin like his baws had been impaled on a Rhinos tusk when his opponent had the audacity tae dae some wrestling moves on him. At PWE he wis the same brash, cocky wee shite, but he wis the peoples wee shite. He wis the plucky wee underdog, in their wae a couple of bears who could smell blood. He gets the jump on them right away by hitting a suicide dive, as Rage and Blaze talk tactics at ringside. Ding fuckin ding. Followed that up wae a beauty of a missile dropkick, before Blaze and Rage finally get their wits about them, and take him down with a double shouldertackle. A big splash is followed by a peach of a T-Bone Suplex fae TJ Rage as the big bastards finally took control of the match.

Lou King Sharp disnae have an ounce of quit in him though, and after taking a belter of a lariat fae Blaze, Sharp managed to rally. Droptoehold took Blaze to the middle rope, before Sharp busted out the 619! Followed that up wae a Frog Splash to surely seal an unbelievable win! but…naw. The tricky thing about yer handicap matches is that even if ye get one guy beat, there’s almost always at least one more guy tae contend with. TJ Rage lifts Lou King Sharp up from the pinning position, and intae a deadlift German Suplex. That wis followed by a Firemans Carry Slam from Blaze (fuck knows whit wan, there’s an incredible amount of moves that happen fae the Firemans Carry position, and I’m making it my mission tae learn the names of all of them) and finally TJ Rage seemed tae pass straight through Lou King Sharp with a beast of a spear, tae seal the win for his team. He might have wound up on the sharp end of a doing, but Lou King Sharp was undoubtedly a show stealer on the night. Two weeks in a row I’ve seen him in action, and he’s been a highlight both times. Took a proper battering aff Blaze and TJ Rage but kept on coming back for more. Lookin forward tae seeing more fae him in the future.

That wisnae it for Blaze and Rage though, as the lights went dim. “CARD SUBJECT TO CHANGE!” wis the cry, and whilst it wis weird hearing Renfrew on the mic without lacing his patter wae expletives (namely calling us aw “fuckers”) it was still braw tae see the NAK causing havoc outwith ICW. Renfrew and BT get intae a brawl wae Blaze and Rage, BT even managing to sneak in a couple of stinging chops, before Project Ego jumped oot tae join the party. They were out in response tae the patter Charles Boddington wis giving it earlier about Rage and Blaze being one of, if not THE best tag team in Europe, and challenged both Blaze and Rage, and the NAK tae a Triple Threat match at Gradomania to determine who truly rules the roost in the PWE tag division. Everyone seems content wae leaving it there. That’s always something I’ve loved about wrestling btw, 3 teams, aw seemingly with a vehement hatred for each other, but they’re content tae suspend that hatred, and pick it back up in 2 months time. Let it simmer boays, and reconvene the jaw crackin, choppin and back breakin in July. The NAK strolled oot the front door right away, probably straight intae the wee co-up doon the road for a 24 deck ah Stella, n 20 Regal. Ayrshire wis about tae find itself pumped by the Kliq.

Liam Thomson vs Uhaa Nation

A thing of fuckin beauty this was. Uhaa Nation is just….aw man. This match is on youtube and I suggest ye watch the living fuck out of it. Seriously, don’t even bother yer arse reading my babble. I’m gonnae babble anyway like, but yer wasting yer time. Get it seen. Liam Thomson was absolutely brilliant in this one also. It’s no an easy thing, working wae a guy who provides a lot of high impact exciting stuff, and trying tae keep yersell relevant in the match. Thomson could quite easily have been overshadowed completely here, but he imposed himself on the match expertly. Starting off wae some evasive tactics, as he avoided climbing intae the ring, finally he decides tae lock up wae the man mountain, before instead offering him a strength test. Now just in case ye are yet to hear about Uhaa Nation, I’ll try n paint ye a wee picture. First picture a tank. Just yer run of the mill tank, big green number, soldiers in it n that. Now picture that tank as a human man. Still a tank right enough, but its condensed tae about 6 foot 1 of human male. Now picture this tankman wae hunners ah muscle. Literally teemin wae muscle. So much so that scientists have studied his body, and found 15 muscles that they didnae previously know existed. So hows the picture lookin now? Tankman, hunners ah muscle, jovial looking but imposing at the same time. A guy that size must be yer run of the mill big guy eh? Shoulder tackles, clotheslines, some kinda power move as a finish…maybe a big splash..usual story. Well…naw. Uhaa Nation isnae about that. He can dae those things like, but how about a 250 pound man daein a standing moonsault followed by another yin? Hows that soundin tae ye? That comes later though, first Thomson gets intae the strength test wae the big yin, but cleverly boots him in the stomach before they can actually test who’s stronger cause…well Thomsons never winning that battle is he? They get tae running the ropes, before the big yin lays Thomson out with a dropkick followed by a snap suplex.

With Thomson down, Uhaa decides now’s a gid time tae dae the splits in mid-air, and he does just that, before landing on Thomson with an elbow drop. He didnae properly tae the splits like, but his legs contorted in a way that really shouldnae happen if yer a tank. Tanks don’t have legs for a start, and if they did, I’m sure they’d be a lot less flexible than the ones this big bastard is wielding. After setting Thomson up wae the Snapmare, Uhaa went up top, but he gets his proper introduction tae Scottish Wrestling when he takes his first baw hit, and Thomson shaked the top rope, causing Uhaa tae come crashing down on tae his Nations. With the big yin suspended from the top rope, Thomson hits a flying dropkick, and gets tae work on the back. He takes a suplex from Uhaa, but stayed on the offensive, knocking the big man down, before eventually locking in a camel clutch, only for the Uhaa tae deadlift him and send him crashing intae the corner. Thomson takes leave of his senses and continues tae try to jump on Uhaa’s back, only for the big yin to send him spine first to the mat. Uhaa goes for a big boot after that, but misses by a fuckin mile and goes flying to the outside. The big yin wisnae on the back foot for long, finally getting his high energy style in motion again when he sent Thomson into the corner for a big splash, before stringing together 3 German Suplexes. Thomson ducks a second splash attempt, before running intae a big boot in the corner. Uhaa fuckin explodes out of the corner after that, ducking under a clothesline, before daein a fuckin backflip, and rounding it off wae a spingboard crossbody, cause incase ye hadnt gathered by now…UHAA NATION IS A FUCKIN PHYSICAL MARVEL.

Thomsons still no out of it yet though, as he rallies with a dropkick to the back while Uhaa was propped on the second rope, before rolling him up for a 2 count. The big yin clearly insnae intae that near fall patter though, and exacts revenge by dislodging Thomsons jaw wae a big boot. Goes for the running powerslam after that, but Thomson manages tae drop down behind him and hit a modified Scorpion Deathdrop, followed by a flying headbutt for another 2 count. Goes for a second headbutt, but Uhaa kicked him aff the top rope before daein that fuckin amazin suplex thing Cesaro does, where he deadlifts his opponent fae the apron while he’s staunin on the middle rope. I’ve seen Cesaro dae it a few times and never not been astounded by it, but this one was happening fuckin RIGHT THERE. 10 feet away fae me. Fuckin hell. I’ve no got enough bodily fluids left tae endure this breathtaking beauty much longer, so yer man Uhaa wraps it up wae a simple wee combination. Nothing major. Just a Gorilla Press, followed by TWO STANDING MOONSAULTS that looked like they happened in one motion, which got him the win.

Seriously. Look at it. I’ve watched it at least a hunner times now. Apparently his usual finish is the Gorilla Press, followed by a Standing Monsault, then a Standing Shooing Star Press, but it looked like 2 moonsaults tae me. Feel free tae judge for yersell though. The whole match is here. Probably wondering tae yersell why ye bothered reading aw that speil when there’s a link tae the match at the end anyway, but that’s life really innit? Sometimes ye make regrettable decisions. Learning to live wae them is a big a part of it as anything else. x


 

Wolfgang vs Joey Hayes

Another hugely entertaining match. Wae some early hilarity as Hayes tries and fails to lift Wolfy for a scoop slam a few times, before Wolfy eventually gets him in an abdominal stretch, only for Hayes tae counter and declare to the whole of Ayrshire just how pleased he is wae himself, only for Wolfy tae reverse it into a hiptoss. Wolfy worryingly poses the question “Will ah kill uhm?” to the crowd a few times, and whilst I’m nae expert on criminal law or that, I reckon daein that might get ye the jail. Try tae avoid it if possible. Instead he settles for a big lariat, followed by a hard whip intae the corner and yon big splash he does where he winds up on the apron after it.

Hayes gets intae the match after that, with a few clotheslines attempting to knock Wolfy down fall short. Wolfy encourages Hayes to keep trying, but grows tired of the charade and sends Hayes intae the corner for another big splash. Hayes blocks it though, and eventually does gather some momentum when he hits the Tornado DDT, followed by an absolute topper for a flying uppercut, and then on about the 50th attempt, he manages tae scoop the big fella up and slam him tae the mat. His momentum is short-lived though, as he goes for a Crossbody, only to be caught by Wolfy and hit wae the Slam Dunk.

The combatants share a gentlemanly handshake after what was a hard-fought, good-natured match. Fuck all tae see here. We’re aw pals in this scenario….but Joey Hayes gets sleekit on us. Attacks oor Wolfy fae behind, before proceeding tae knock his pan in wae a chair. The ultimate act of betrayal. Maybe ye shoulda killed him after all eh.

Grado signs the contract for his shot at the PWE Title vs Dave Mastiff

Grado cuts a beautifully heartfelt promo, thanking the Ayrshire fans for their constant support. Without them he’d be fuck all, but for aw the progress he’s made and achievements he’s had, there’s still one thing he’s yet to do in wrestling, and that one thing is winning a shiny belt. He did win the ICW Belt for a wee while, but has never technically held wan, and since he dropped it the same night, he’s never even been able tae take one hame, and sit it on the mantelpiece. A right shame. He signals his intention tae right that wrong by Wee Bootin Dave Mastiff intae the abyss. Big Dave disnae see Grado as a viable threat though, and he didnae even bother standing face to face with him. Instead cutting a scathing video promo where he calls Grado a joke, and pretty much suggests that he’s gonnae chuck him in a blender, n drink his remains lit a milkshake. Once Daves words are done, Grado signs the contract and it appears tae be game over, but no so fast. Out comes a collection of sour faced heels, led by Kid Fite. He’s brought his pals Davey Blaze and TJ Rage with him anaw, and Fito gies Grado a similar speech as Dave Mastiff did, before taking the piss out of the next show being called Gradomania. His patter gets more and more vicious, and he even takes a moment tae call a lassie in the crowd a “fat disaster” before we eventually get tae the bit we saw coming fae the start. All 3 men start stomping fuck outta oor Grado. In an attempt tae make sure he disnae make it tae Gradomania, but he was saved by the man who hails from the Leeds’ district of Mexico. The tea swiggin luchador…EL LIGERO!

Grado and El Ligero vs Kid Fite, TJ Rage and Davey Blaze

Ligero clears the ring, sending Fito and Blaze off the apron with a double dropkick, before we get intae an almighty war in the crowd. Kid Fite, TJ Rage and Grado battling at one side, wae Blaze and Ligero on the other. Juice cans, chairs and walls are all used as deadly weapons, before we finally find ourselves back in the ring, where an impromptu 3 on 2 handicap match is announced.

Ligero goes for a crossbody early, but TJ Rage catches him and sends him aboot hauf a mile doon the road with the Fallaway Slam, thats followed up with Kid Fite hitting that perfect Snap Suplex he does. Say whit ye want about Fito, and his tendency tae whap the baws oot on occasion, but if there’s a better Snap Suplex in British Wrestling today, I’m yet tae see it. Blaze gets in an strings together some raw power moves anaw, but its aw leadin tae the hot tag eh. Grado’s gien it the Hogan patter on the apron. Anxiously awaiting the tag. Almost writhing in agony, when eventually it comes! HOAT TAG BABY!

Rock bottom for Blaze, is followed by a backdrop on Fito and rounded off nicely wae a Roll n Slice for Fito. Ligero gets in on the act by hitting the Enziguri on Fito, but his momentum is derailed by the second stoater of a spear fae TJ Rage on the night. Rage follows that up wae a beauty of a flying uppercut, but he takes the Wee Boot for troubles and Grado gets the pin.

A post match team talk is conducted by the Baldy Heel Collective (well Blaze used tae be baldy, creative license n that) which for some reason leads tae their manager Charles Boddington getting in the ring and confronting Grado. Grado checks his reserves, and despite lookin like he’s on the verge of an Asthma Attack, he decides he’s got one last Rock Bottom in him, and he lays Boddington out wae it. Then we saw something quite remarkable. I’ve seen Grado up the top rope once, and he delivered quite comfortably the worst moonsault in the history of moonsaults. Dubbed the WME. I wis hoping for a second attempt at that but instead as he goes for the Superfly Splash, Boddington rolls oot the road, so Grado improvises and lands on his feet, before delivering a mini Superfly splash fae the mat. Listen, if Uhaa Nation daein double standing moonsaults is impressive, so’s a Grado standing Superfly Splash. One thing ye couldnae deny about this show is that it had a lot of guys daein a lot of flippy shit and that’s always a gid time.

Grado and Ligero salute the crowd and that wis that. A nice feel-good way tae end a belter of a show. The card for Gradomania began taking shape nicely, and it was also announced that former TNA star Christopher Daniels is coming to PWE in September, so all in all, things are looking rosy for the promotion. Fingers crossed Uhaa Nation can be kept fae WWEs clutches for long enough tae see him again in the future.

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