Studio 24 might be my favourite venue ICW run regularly. That’s no bias towards this particular show either, cause some nice things happened in it (we’ll get tae that eventually, calm yit) that were mare joyful on a personal level, I just mean in terms of atmosphere and crowd interaction, its always a fuckin braw time. The only downside for Glesga punters, is that its in fuckin Edinburgh, and while I quite like Edinburgh these days, its ratio between shops that sell tartan memorabilia and chippies is not fuckin favourable. We must have stoated by at least 10 of these stupit shops fulla tartan hats, and mugs that say “Bonnie Scotland – Home of Bravehearts, not just hunners ah junkies askin if ye’ve got a spare 20p for an imaginary bus” before we could locate somewhere that can sell ye a fish supper. But see if ye go tae Edinburgh for professional wrestling shows and miserable Hibs fans? Sunday May 25th 2014 wis the Da.
Kid Fite gets a doing he maybe wasn’t expecting
Kid Fite comes out for a spot of wrestling I assume. Had the singlet on n that, looked like he wis due heiderin a cunt or two. Only problem wae that situation is that the Grizzly bear he wis due tae wrestle was nowhere tae be seen, but his auld pal Liam Thomson wis, and with the aid of his burd Carmel, Thomson dished out a good auld fashioned kicking. Carmel wis already doing incredibly engaging things on her ain in ICW for a long time, but this allegiance wae Liam Thomson as a sour faced dastardly wee heel just fuckin works. She gies him the edge that Kid Fites mibbe been missing since the split, n thats why despite his best baw slinging, snap suplexin efforts, yer Kid Fite is always the cunt scoopin his ribs up aff the canvas when its aw said n done, as Thomson comes out on top. Took a chair throw tae the aforementioned ribs that would gie ye nightmares man. Fito did get up eventually, and defiantly limped his way tae the back. He’s needin hauners next time if he’s gonnae have even the faintest hope of overcoming this two heided monster. Mibbe gie Bete Noire, or Viper a shout mate. They’ve no been cuttin aboot smashin folk in an ICW ring good while.
Polo Promotions attempt tae add a new recruit
The team at Polo Promotions come oot tae have a word with us. They’ve got expansion on the brain ye see, and after the “oh oh oh oooooh” chant aimed at Mark Coffey, which he didnae even try tae disguise his amusement at, despite insisting tae Jackie that he had no idea what it was about (Kayfabe n that, this was Mark Coffey the wrestler we were seeing, no Mark Coffey the swedgered up penguin) the boys bring out Kenny Williams for a word. Mark Coffey takes the lead and tells Kenny that at Polo Promotions, there isnae any shite. Its no about music videos, brightly coloured suits or shoutin yer ain name at cunts (Though if yer as drunk as ye can be, ye might sing that song to me, about the time they called ye ‘Jackie’) Its about WRESTLING. Its about being part of something that disnae talk about winning belts, it goes out and wins them. It disnae talk about the heavyweight and the Zero-G, it shines them up real nice and puts them on the Polo Promotions mantelpiece. Its no about playing second fiddle to nae cunt. A point which was articulated by Kenny coming out tae Joe Hendrys entrance music (get that boy some fuckin entrance music ffs, some happy hardcore tune wae the word ‘bollocks’ through it) Coffey puts it to Kenny Williams, that if Polo Promotions patriarch and current sufferer of a right sare neck, Jackie Polo, can defeat Joe Hendry in a match then Kenny would join the band. So oot comes Joe Hendry tae make things better, but theres still so much to do. Joe Hendry makes things better, but Chris Toal strummin a ukelele makes things fuckin amazin.
Jackie Polo vs Toal HENDRAY
Joe comes oot for a word wae Jackie Polo, but he seems a lot more humble than usual. Like he wisnae feelin quite as brash. Ye could almost say he looked and felt half his usual size. It wis the strangest thing. He’s still due tae gies a wee song though, but it descends intae cheekiness, that’s when its cut short by a heinous attack fae Mark Coffey and Jackie Polo takes advantage of the stricken Local Hero tae sneak in for an easy pin, but haud the fuckin bus a minute! Whits this!
In an act of shapeshifting never likely tae be rivalled, Joe Hendry suddenly regenerated at his normal size at the entrance and emerges tae a rapturous reception. Once again articulating Mark Coffeys earlier point for him by donning the same sexy pink suit that he wore in his appearance on RAW last week. Mark Coffey wisnae milking his global tv exposure, cause he’s a wrestler mate. Aw business baaaaaby. Joe Hendry milked the absolute fuck out of, declaring that due tae his worldwide exposure that he couldnae be referred to as simply a “local hero” any longer, but he would in fact be known as “JOE HENDRAAAAAY…..GLOBAL HERO” Once Joes said his piece, we get tae the standoff between the two head honchos. Jamie Kennedy of the Kennedy Administration, and of course Jackie Polo of Polo Promotions. They huv a wee Kenny Williams tug of war, while Kenny stauns in the corner smellin the three fingers he had up a wee burd roon the back of the portaloos a Radio 1s big weekend, before Kenny tells both of them that he’s nae intention of working for either of the cunts…before eh. A brawl ensues and all of a sudden we’ve got us an impormptu tag match. Gang warfare and that. Gid wee segment between the two newest stables in ICW. Has the potential to be aw sorts of beautiful if they keep working wae each other. Crowd seems more split on Jackie Polo these days, wae entirely “Jackie Polo yer a wanker” chants seemingly commonplace. Not cute cute in a stupid ass way ataw, not cute in any way in fact. Wrap it in.
Polo Promotions (Jackie Polo and Mark Coffey) vs Joe Hendry and Kenny Williams
We kick this shit aff at a frenetic pace, with Kenny hittin a missile dropkick and a springboard elbow, before Mark Coffey cleans him out wae a huge forearm smash. Joe Hendry bursts in like a bull in a china shoap, firing oot shoulder tackles tae anything that moves, before hitting a suplex. Backdrop fae Mark Coffey, is followed by a nice wee cohesive spell between him and Polo, as Jackie drops a knee or two across Kenny Williams windpipe, before going up tae the middle rope and gaun for the elbow drop. Kenny’s wise tae it but, and gets the foot up. Goes for a Hurricanrana on Polo, and I honestly cannae mind if he hit it or it was blocked, but it led tae another sequence at breakneck speed, that involved a Joe Hendry DDT (stoater anaw, Joe Hendry slings a beautiful DDT, tell yer pals, even tell yer maw if ye think she might be interested) a Jackie Polo dropkick, that eadlift bridging belly tae back suplex Mark Coffey does that makes every orifice moisten, and yon Freak of Nature fallaway slam fae Hendry tae round it off, before ICWs chief enforcer Sweeney came oot, tae hopefully not pish in Jackie Polos mouth. Polo rightly fled the scene, leaving Hendry and Williams wae a 2 on 1 situation, but its no any auld 2 on 1, yer going 2 on 1 wae the REEEEEEEEEAL ICUBYA Champion, and the maist rhythmic penguin in sports entertainment today caught Kenny Williams gaun for the crossbody and turned it intae the Pumphandle Slam tae give Polo Promotions the win. Well it wis technically just the “slam” part of the Pumphandle Slam, nae pumps or handles involved, but it wis emphatic. Thats aw ye really need tae be taking fae this. Emphasis. Sare spine for Kenny.
Sweeney and the International Sex Herooooo
Sweeney stomps intae the ring, and Mark Coffey quite rightly gets himself tae fuck, cause Sweeney is a big scary cunt, and recently threatened tae pish in his bosses mouth, so fuck knows whit he’d have in store for Coffey. I never really got the whole pishing angle, but I kinda dae noo. Its aw designed so the International Sex Hero can come out and dae some counselling. Ye see, Sweeneys been having trouble gettin the boys tae come out n play so tae speak. (naw that sounds kinda peado-ey eh? I’ll try again) He’s been huvin some trouble gettin the wee general, tae become a bigger and harder general, a general more suited to pleasing a lady or three, and DCT wants tae help. He urges Sweeney tae get on the blawer, and call “69-69-0-0-0” and get himself taken care of. Its been a while eh. He’s been in the jail, and the talent they’ve got tae offer in there is a lot hairier wae the odour of baw sweat attached tae it. In the outside world, unless the burd yer pumpin hails fae Possil or suhin, it tends tae be a lot more of a pleasant experience. Sweeney seems receptive tae DCTs teachings, and they appear to come to agreement to be pals and DCT will teach him the Kama Sutra and how tae pop yer hamstring oot tae use it as an additional lady pleasuring aid, but as DCT turns tae salute the crowd, Sweeneys demeanour switches tae a more sinister one, before hitting DCT wae a two handed chokeslam. I think he resented the implication that needs any help tae get his hole, as any self respecting wearer of sunglasses indoors wid. Enjoyable wee segment though. DCTs a funny cunt. Book him forever.
Chris Renfrew vs Yum Yum
Renfrew comes oot for his match wae Jimmy Havoc, but our Jimmy is nowhere tae be seen. Renfrew struts round the ring, briefcase in hand, ready tae knock fuck oot a skinny Englishman, but eventually he accepts that theres nae Jimmy Havoc tae be had and gets on the mic tae declare that HAVOC FEARS RENFREW! Rips the pish outta Haoic and Jesters claims tae be the most hardcore cunts in the company, cause hardcore cunts don’t do mutual respect. Fuckin bloodsoaked handshakes and arse patting aye? WHERE’S AW THE HOSTILITY BOYS? Demands that the referee raises his hand in glorious triumph, so him and the rest of the NAK can jump aboot Leith daein a bit of looting as the inevitable riots fae angry Hibs fans start kicking off. Mark Dallas comes oot and informs us all that he likes a wee…mild refreshment every now and then. Occasionally these refreshments might led tae red eyes, forgetfulness and lack of awareness for situations where he might be gettin duped. In this situation he’s been duped by an email fae one of the NAK members themselves, and whilst Jimmy Havoc widnae be at that show, he would be in Newcastle next week for a Geordie Rules match wae Renfrew. If yer no aware of what that is, it has rounds, and in between them the competitors need tae drink a pint of Peter Beardsleys home brew, and a shot of Absinthe aff Ant or Decs giant foreheid. Nae Jimmy Havoc the night, but there wis a Yum Yum, and he was game for a scrap.
Fuckin Yum Yum. Speaking as a man who is of similar belly girth tae this cunt, Its borderline remarkable how he moves like he does. I can barely get aff ma chair most of the time. He kicks this aff wae a missile dropkick, before booting Renfrew tae the outside and hitting a fuckin suicide dive. This is when it wis aw coming flooding back tae me just how good Yum Yum was in that match wae Mikey Whiplash earlier in the year. Studio 24 is where Yum Yum comes alive. His promising wee start was thrwarted by Renfew catching him mid crossbody, and hitting a fuckin peach of a sitout powerslam, followed by a backdrop, sickener of a spinebuster, and a decapitator of a lariat as Yum Yum came aff the ropes, before Yum Yum takes some thunderous chops and even got himself pink bellied, but d’ye know whit? Yum Yum stood the fuck up and asked for more. Like the little engine that could take a doing. Like Oliver if he wis intae BDSM n aw that. “Please sir…can I have some more EXCRUCIATING FUCKIN AGONY”
He did take more, but only after managing tae take Renfrew aff his feet once again, and going for the win wae the double stomp off the top rope. Renfrew evades it and hits the Stone Cold Stoner which incredibly only brought him a two count. Goes for the Double Underhook Piledriver after getting over the shock of the Stoner only gettin a two count, but Yum Yum blocks that initially anaw, before finally succumbing tae his fate, piledriver hit, lghts oot for Yum Yum. Helluva a fuckin effort fae the cunt right enough.
The Bucky Boys vs Darkside and Dickie Divers (ICW Tag Title Match)
The Wee Man jumps oot in protest tae the kicking poor Yum Yum just recieved, gien it some patter about how connoisseurs of Greggs products like himself and The Buckys would not fuckin stand for it. So he suggests that his boys, take on Darkside and Dickie Divers and they’ll only go n put their fuckin belts on the line cause ye know whit? Fuck it. Why no. As it always is wae these matches, it was incredibly hard tae keep up wae cause they aw know each other far too well now. Don’t mean that in a negative way ataw, but there disnae seem to be any time for anycunt tae come up for air when any variation of the NAK meets The Buckys, and this match was nae different. The Buckys start off wae a double team move, before Darkside and Divers combine for a double superkick. Darkside hits a bit stoater of a big boot in the corner, sending the whole bottom row of Stevie Boys teeth towards the commentary booth, and as Billy Kirkwood picked the spikier wans oot his hair, Divers and Steive exchanged dropkicks. Davey followed that up wae a beauty of a flying double clothesline taking the Triple D Experience out in one go (get it…Darkside and Dickie Divers…Triple D? aw forget it right, I thought it wis funny)
The Buckys go for the 3D on Darkside, but Divers keeps a hold of Stevies feet, meaning he cannae complete it, so Darkside gently eases Davie intae the triangle choke fae that position and all of a sudden we had us some potential new tag champs. As the life slowly started fading fae Davey, Stevie manages tae wriggle his foot free and break the hold wae a standing Shooting Star Press, before hitting the Canadian Destoryer on Divers tae keep the belts in the land of ned.
The fuckin Canadian Destoryer. I go on about it every fuckin time I see it, cause I will never tire of it being astounding tae me. That, and the Backstabber (or Backcracker if ye prefer) are probably my two favourite moves, so the fact that we get tae seem them live every month gies me a jaggy wee stauner.
The NAK urnae big fans of losing, and even when they dae lose, they tend tae leave a mark. A mark was most certianly left on Davie as he got cracked wae a pair of scissors. Right square in the eyeball nae less. Sold it beautifully tae. It reminded me of that time years ago Money Inc cracked Brutus Beefcake wae a briefcase right after he’s just had metal places put in his face. He writhed about selling that for fuckin ages, and Davie done the same. I think the NAK were channelling that segment aw night, cause a few cunts got their jaws dislodged wae Renfrews briefcase anaw, but guys. We’ll get tae that. Patience is a virtue int it. Chill oot.
Grado vs Bad Boy Liam Thomson
This oddly went pretty much exactly how I imagined it would, which wis a wee bit unsettling but braw the same time. Grado cannae always win can he? and if yer looking to build Liam Thomson as a proper heel tae be feared, a win over the most ‘over’ cunt in British Wrestling is a smart fuckin move. Before he got the win (Am I spoiling it by revealing that too early or whit? Dae yees enjoy the suspense? Don’t answer that actually, yer sound n that, but at the same time, I don’t really care) there wis a lot of gid fun involved. Gid wrestling anaw. Just a stramash of gid shit. Some wristlock shenanigans followed an early bound of evasive roly polys fae Grado, as Thomson seemed tae be having nae luck getting his hands on Grado. We transition fae wristlock shenanigans, tae waistlock tomfoolery, before Grado takes it tae the mat and comes closes wae a couple of cheeky rollups. Thomson connects wae a big knee to the gut, followed by a peach of a dropkick. Went up top for the flying heidbutt, but Grado dodges it and gets intae some shake, rattle n rolling, before getting a two count wae a flying erse bump. (yon thing, where yer opponent jumps comes aff the ropes and ye smash intae them wae yer arse, ye know the wan? it probably has a more proper name than flying erse bump, but I’m not at liberty tae comment on that, cause I don’t fuckin know)
Grado tries tae put Thomson away fae the F5, but the bad boy (feels weird typing that, like I’m his maw gien him a telling off or suhin..we’ll no be making that a regular thing) reverses it wae an Falling Inverted DDT. Then we got intae a fuckin mind bendingly entertaining finish, as Carmel sneaks in and hits a DDT on Grado. That only brings a two count, but Carmels involvement wisnae done there (cheered on by the newly formed “Carmel Corner” which I originally thought wis some kinda delicious yoghurt, but is infact a team of avid Carmelites) Before she got back intae it, Grado found himself in a precarious position as he misses the Roll n Slice, and winds up in position tae get hit wae it himself. Thomson duly obliges, but that only gets him a two count. Grado hits a Roll n Slice of his own, before Carmel gets in amongst is once again, but this time, its Grado who gets the the upper hand….or two hands if we’re being pedantic aboot it, cause he hit a Double Chokeslam on Carmel and Thomson, and covered Carmel after it cause sometimes he’s a bit silly that wiy. Disnae understand why the refs no countin, and in his confusion, Thomson hits the Backstabber (which he calls the Backcracker) and gets the win.
Thomson and Carmel decide tae stomp Grado the fuck out after it, cause they’re proper bad bastards eh. Kick the hero. Kick him in the face till aw the Gradomaniacs greet. I love Grado as much as the next cunt, but it was a brilliantly worked match in terms of Grado gien the masses what they want with the funny shit, whilst having Thomson come out the other end of it looking strong as fuck. Kay Lee Ray comes oot tae provide hauners, but she gets a doing anaw, taking the top rope hanging DDT fae Carmel, and a Backcracker aff Thomson for her troubles, before her man Stevie fae the Buckys jumps out tae make the save. Carmel gets on the mic after that and challenges the two of them tae a mixed tag match in Newcastle. That’ll be stupendous. Cannae emphasise enough how intae the Liam Thomson heel turn and affiliation wae Carmel I am, I assume this is similar tae what they do in PBW, but even nastier. Carmel wis screamin aw sorts at Grado, and I’m sure she referred tae Kay Lee Ray as a wee hoor or somethin. Aye…its gid stuff. Anyway, that’s hauf time. Feel free tae nick away n get yersell a pie or somethin. I’m gonnae jump over tae the shop n get a Banana Yazoo, n some Space Raiders then I’ll be right back wae yees.
I dunno if this was during the interval or whit, cause I spent most of that throwin ‘bows in an attempt tae get served at the bar, but I’ve been told there was a rammy between David The Beloved and Christopher Saynt. Apparently The Beloved stoated oot wae a “God Hates Fags” sign tae the smoking bit, which Saynt took as disrespect towards homosexuals. A fair assumption, but mind yer in the smoking bit guys. Maybe David The Beloved just really feels strongly that cigarettes are bad for ye, and he wants tae tell the world about it. Either way aye, there wis a scrap and while I didnae see it myself, it would be negligent tae no mention it. I’m sure it was eventful.
Noam Dar steals the hearts of a nation
Awrite maybe it wisnae THAT good, but aye. A cracker of a promo from our Noam, as he strolls out in his best “Friday night up The Savoy” gear. Looked lit Liam Gallagher, if ye replaced his daft monkey coupon wae the dashing features of a fertile young Jewish man. Is that a bit OTT? Sorry. I’ve always been a big Noam Dar fan, but he kinda became the greatest human on the planet last night. The promo wis excellent like. That alone would have earned him one of the top spots in the gid cunt standings, but after explaining that he he wisnae on the card the night, and he was perhaps a wee bit frustrated wae his position in the company, he made a reference tae the loyalty of the fans, and right away the beautiful bastard turns tae me and fuckin gies me a wee shoutout. “Martin Smith wae the big berd” were his exact words. I’ll no lie, it was a smashin feelin. Got a wee cheer, and the camera even panned roon tae ma stupid bearded coupon for a minute. Thats my 5 seconds of fame right there n it wis pretty fuckin nice. I wish I could articulate it better than that, but there ye go. I’d write these reviews even if naecunt gave a fuck cause I love daein it, but its cool that folk look forward to them. Anyway, enough shite about me, the promo wis special and we’ll keep on about that eh. Noam goes on tae dicuss his position further, before talking about his desire tae gain one of the main event spots. He asks Mark Dallas out for a word, and thats when it really got captivating. Noam talks about Dallas being like a big brother tae him, and sneaking him in tae work shows when he wis 16, before gettin him hame safe n sound cause he had school in the morning. Dallas gets on the mic and talks about huvin tae give Noam a wee slap on the wrist every now and then when he got a bit bigheaded wae everyone bigging him up. Leaving him off a few shows and trying tae make him realise that whilst he had the talent, ye need the hard work tae go along with it. Eventually Noams attitude changed, and he started putting the work in, but clashes wae booking meant that Noam not being able tae be on every show, and that meant he couldnae be a main event guy. Main event guys need tae be available don’t they? Simple as that. If yer gonnae be a top guy in any indie company, ye need tae prioritise that company as much as ye possibly can, and Noam expresses his desire tae dae just that. He tells Dallas he knows he’s made mistakes, but he’s more than willing tae put the hard work in and he WANTS tae be there. He wants tae be ICW, so Dallas offers him a proposition. If yer really ICW through and through, and yer desperate tae work this show? Take over backstage interviewing duties. Initially reticent, Noam accepts and the troops share a beautiful embrace. Not a fuckin dry eye in the house. A properly emotive promo, and if Noam is genuinely prioritising ICW, and looking for a main event spot, that’ll only lead tae gid shit. Noam vs Joe Coffey? Noam vs BT Gunn? Noam vs a returning, tree trunk thigh bearing Andy Wild? Dae it. Dae it aw.
Apologies. Got a wee bit carried away there. More wrestling eh? Lets focus on that. Lets focus on the match of the night/decade. Lets focus on Joe Coffey vs BT Gunn.
Joe Coffey vs BT Gunn
Joe comes oot first and tosses lemons intae the crowd. He disnae want anything to do wae the lemons, cause hes a fuckin rosebud mate. Ye no heard? Anyway, whilst the lemons get flung tae either side of the venue, Joe gets on the mic and explains that despite his exploits down south, cuttin about wae that big company wae the fancy video packages and wrestlers dressed like SWAT Team cunts, that the NAK are still marked men in his eyes. BT Gunn comes oot, and while we aw know wrestling is pre-determined in terms of the outcome of matches, ye could tell BT Gunn has his fuckin game face on here. Aw business. None of his NAK muckers. Nae cheeky patter. Nothing. Just an icy stare and an appetite for smackin fuck outta cunts. Namely some idiot in the crowd who decides squaring up tae him wis a good idea. It isnae. I seen BT Gunn chop a cunt so hard once, his arsehole actually prolapsed, dropped oot, grew legs and made a run for it.
We start aff wae an exchange of stiff jabs, uppercuts and forearms, before BT takes Joe down with a low dropkick. BT makes his way ontae the apron, but Joe sweeps his legs fae under him and he lands spine first on the apron. Sare yin. More jabs fae Joe, sees BT start slinging chops wae reckless abandon in response. BT Gunn has the best chops in professional wrestling btw. I defy ye tae find me a cunt who does that particular thing better than him. Anywhere in the world. Its no the most technical thing like, but theres a skill tae it and naecunt is better at than BT Funn. Joe does throw a few good yins in return though, before getting BT in the corner and hitting a big splash. BT blocks the attempt at a second yin, hitting a belter of a missile dropkick. They stand toe to toe once more, with Joe finally taking BT Down wae a barrage of headbutts, before getting him down for some swings. He manages tae swing BT 6 times, but instead of turning it intae the Boston Crab, he goes for the slingshot intae the corner. Before hitting another splash, but BT responds wae a crisp beauty of a superkick. That leads intae another startling display for striking, as they stood toe tae toe once more. Mano-e-mano. A straight up square go. Big forearm strikes and chops fae Joe. Ye could get lost watching this shit so ye could. It was fuckin artwork. Joes forearms force BT intae the corner, before he hits another couple of splashes, followed by a bulldog. BT hits a tornado DDT, followed by a beauty of a German Suplex fae Joe. Wae Joe in command, Dickie Divers jumps oot tae be a sleekit wee heel bawbag. Ye’ve got tae love Divers. Such a natural at being a wank. I mean that as high praise btw. There is an artform tae it, Jackie Polo has a similar vibe tae him in a totally different way, but that natural smugness is somethin ye cannae teach. The distraction almost gets BT the win, but oot comes his nemesis tae even the score, as Wolfy jumps oot tae sort Divers oot. BT turns round intae a beezer of a Spinning Lariat and thats game set and match, and every single bit of bodily fluid I had wis drained oot me.
I didnae think the brilliance James Scott and Joe Coffey produced could be rivalled, but this was up there. The pace of it was fucking unreal, and it just showed ye how adaptable they both are. Any opponent, any style, they can dae it. I sound like a fuckin fanboy like, but if ye love wrestling, ye cannae fail tae be engrossed in everything Joe Coffey, BT Gunn and James Scott produce in the ring right now. Everycunts daein good shit, but those three in particular are having some spectacular matches. I’ll stop fuckin gibberin on about that though eh, cause Kid Fite’s still got a bear tae wrestling, and a testicle or two tae dip!
Kid Fite vs Damo
Kid Fite is a gallus cunt, but probably too gallus eh. Too gallus in this situation, because he came oot tae cut a promo with burst ribs. Even that’s a stretch for a cunt wae burst ribs, ye shouldnae really be upwardly mobile if yer ribs are burst. Fuckin get hame, get the feet up, watch a season of 24 or some shit. The very thing I widnae be daein, is asking a bear tae fight ye. The very thing I widnae be daein is antagonising that bear when he refuses tae fight an injured man. Kid Fite attempts tae get him tae fight by getting some tit for tat patter in about his wrestling school being better than Damos, but Damo isnae suitably annoyed quite yet. He speaks of Damos ‘girth’ tae put it mildly, and makes particular reference tae the contribution of nightly curry tae the aforementioned girth. Damo takes particular exception tae that yin and suddenly we’ve got a fight on out hands. It wis a short match, cause Damo is a fuckin wrecking machine. Injured men shouldnae ask wrecking machines for a square go. Its just no smart. After a spot on the outside, which I didnae see, but it made folk go “ooooh!” Kid Fite takes Damo down wae a big boot. I’ve spoke a lot about Kid Fite having a smasher of a snap suplex, and I appreciate his effort tae try and deliver that tae the fans. Admirable as fuck mate, but another example of ye no playing this one smart, cause in case its somehow escaped anycunts attention…Damos huge. If he disnae want tae be suplexed, its just no fuckin happening. He blocks it and puts Fito away wae the Death Valley Driver, before the two shared an embrace. Mutual respect eh. Its a wonderful thing. “Sorry I battered ye there pal, but yer wrestling school neat, and so are yer baws…so well done wae that”
Speaking of baws. There wis someone in the crowd who seemed tae take great delight in making reference to the ones Kid Fite has. Namely mentioning their gingerness with great frequency. This wis annoying Kid Fite more and more as the night wore on, as he examined his baws and found nae ginger hairs. Not a single. Being a pedant for the finder details, he tells this gentleman that before the night is over, he will take a pair of baws in his gub. Maybe swirl them aboot a bit n see if he can taste ginger aff them. So at the end of the match, Fito is true tae his word. Jumps in the crowd, and pulls the rascal oot (I mean the fan btw, ‘the rascal’ isnae whit he calls his boaby or anything) and with a large dose of the fear overcoming the young gentlemans face, he took a Snapmare, before having Kid Fite gently ease his bawsack intae his mouth. I must admit, at earlier points in the night i was vociferously encouraging him tae teabag this cunt, and that fact is made more disturbing by the fact that he’s my fuckin cousin. Aye thats right, that wis my cousin up there. Chris Kelly taking a bawsack tae the chin. Wrestling made me encourage somedy tae stick his baws in my cousins mouth, cause fuckin….I dunno…wrestling mate. It is whit it is. A beautifully fucked up thing. I got a wee shoutout fae Noam Dar, so this story topping prick had tae get some baws in his mouth. I tellt ma maw n da about both of these events, and my cousins story spiked thier interest the most, cause his story involved baw gargling. If ye cannae even win wae yer ain parents, ye’ve been story topped. Simple as that. Nah but, he took it like a champ, just like any real man wid when baws are forced upon ye. Its simple science mate. They fear you more than you fear them. Always remember that. Or maybe I’m gettin baws mixed up wae dugs there.
Jack Jester vs Wolfgang (ICW Title Match)
Fucking loved this. I anticipated it being Jesters best title defence, and they didnae let me doon. Wolfgang has always been my guy. His match wae Devitt was a huge part in re-igniting my passion for wrestling and I’ll never forget that. For the past year or so he’s no really been hugely involved in the title picture though, and while he’s done some crackin stuff, and is in the midst of an intriguing feud wae BT Gunn, tae me, this is where he belongs. The fans were fuckin WAE him last night anaw. I dunno if putting that in capitals has the effect I wis after really, its hard tae put it intae words just how special that atmosphere was, and while both had their fair share of support, there was a special feeling that every single fan that had screamed their lungs oot for Wolfy in his tiring pursuit of the ICW Title tae complete the coveted Grand Slam believed that this wis his time. Everycunt seemed united in that belief that this wis his moment, and for me that made the match a wee bit special
Wolfgang starts out strong wae a succession of clotheslines, before hitting the splash in the corner. As he rolled outside tae go up top, Jester blocked it and knocked him aff the apron, before hitting him with a baseball slide. That leads tae a brawl in the crowd, and while I did follow it, I didnae see a lot. Something happened at the bar. Both of them coulda done 50 shots each for aw I know, this is when being quite wee and having a need tae see things is bothersome, but I did see Jester emerge fae a wee door at the side, tae crack Wolfy over the napper wae a big pole. Say whit ye want about Jack Jester, but he does have an uncanny ability tae find things tae hit ye over the heid wae no matter where he goes. We get back intae the ring and Jester his the double axe handle, before Wolfy hits a powerslam outta the corner, before going up top for the Swanton. He does yon tulip hand signal aw the wrestlers are daein the noo, but he actually done it mid Swanton, the mad bastard. Jester moved but, so it was aw for fuck all. Ye can tulip aw ye want, but Swantonning canvas is sare, and thats probably the main lesson Wolfy took fae that endeavour. Jester tries for yon modified Pedgree he does by Wolfgang reversed it, and hit him wae Snake Eyes, before going for the Swanton again and this time actually hits it.
This wis surely the big mans moment eh? Fuckin surely? This wis it…
Nut. That wis 3.
It fuckin wis.
Dont even try n tell me it wisnae 3 mate, I’m no huvin it. Away wae yersell. WE’RE HAVIN A PARTY WHEN WOLFY WINS! He just won. That wis fuckin 3.
It wisnae 3 though. If it wis 3, his hand woulda been raised and that would have been that. Jester kicked oot. Love, hate or harbour a complete indifference tae Jack Jester, ye cannae deny his reign as champion has been about resilience. In the face of adveristy, and quite often cunts leaving him a battered, bloody mess, he always takes that belt hame somehow.
Fuckin energy sapping brilliance this wis. Braw storytelling, intertwined wae sweaty big bastards smashin fuck oot each other.
BT Gunn makes his way intae the ring tae ruin the big mans moment. See BT Gunn is also a cunt thats one belt short of the Grand Slam, and he fuckin hates Wolfy as it is, so his motivation for sabotaging this wis clear. Hits a superkick tae leave Wolfy spark out, and Jester covers him for a 2 count! Fuckin only 2. Near fall daft this match so it wis. So after that wee interlude, we get back tae two big bastards smashin the utter fuck out each other. Rebounding aff the ropes at either side of the ring and hitting each other wae brutal strikes, before Wolfy hits a big boot. Jester hits yon elevated pedigree (must be a name for that btw, somecunt tell me so I can stop calling it that) for another 2 and half count.
Wolfy makes his way up top for another Swanton, but if theres a second thing ye could characterise wae Jester title reign along wae an unshakeable will tae take that belt hame at all costs, the other thing is the accuracy in which the cunt throws a steel chair wae. First time I wis impressed by it was about a year and a hauf ago, when he flung wan fae the middle of the ring, right square on Renfews dome at ringside, and he’s repeated the feat was similar accuracy many times since, this time the chair throw stops Wolfy dead on the top rope, and Jester scoops him up for the Tombstone tae retain.
A beautiful fuckin match, and they embraced afterwards as ye do when shit goes down like that, but then…well aye. The NAK happened.
Their music starts playing, wae Wolfy and Jester seemingly oblivious tae win was about to go down. Eventually they realise and staun back tae back, but its 4 on 2 troops. And that big evil lookin fucker wae the briefcase has nae trouble wae using the big metal fucker as a leathering device. They smash the utter fuck out of Jester and Wolfy, before Renfrew grabs the mic and tells Jester right tae his face that he would not be cashing in tonight. Know why? cause he’s got aw year tae dae it, and as long as Jester keeps retaining in these brutal wars, the weaker he gets. Renfrew disnae want tae cash in and become champion. Well he does, but thats no aw he’s after. When he cashes in, he’s looking tae end Jesters career. Job done, up the road for the NAK, but no before Renfrew has Jester pulled tae his feet, and knocked clean oot wae a briefcase shot tae the jaw.
The same group of dafties that were involved in shoving BT earlier in the night got fuckin lippy again. New cunts I presume. Wanks anyway. The NAK offered them a square go outside if they fancied it. I dunno whit cunts fundamentally dont get about about professional wrestling. They see cunts hit superkicks, chops, jabs, forearm smashes etc etc, and they see them do it safely in wrestling matches. Not intended tae hurt the recipient, but dae cunts no get that they actually dae know how tae dae they things for real? Like if BT Gunn wanted tae he could properly follow through wae a superkick and knock yer fuckin teeth out? Always been an alien thing tae me. Imagine Mike Tyson coming oot the ring after one of his fights, and huvin some skinny ginger cunt (nae offence tae the ginger masses btw) square uptae him. It just wouldnt happen. I know wrestling shows are intended tae evoke emotions fae folk an that, but these cunts were just being utter bawsacks. The ringleader in particular, I hope yer next shites a plank ah wid lined wae stanley blades mate.
Anyway aye. Wrestling. A well paced show as always, a bit more focussed on promo work than usual, but that wisnae a bad thing ataw. Personal preference wise, I thought BT vs Joe Coffey was as good as anything I’ve seen all year. Main event was a storytelling belter, and once again the night ended with the NAK looking like the baddest muhfuckas on the planet. Edinurgh got pumped again, and its gettin pumped for a full month in August for the Fringe. Hopefully it gets itself sufficiently lubricated in preparation.