WWE RAW Review 19/05/2014 (fuckin ages ago)

bigguy

 

A RAW review on a fuckin Monday an hour before the next yin airs. I’m truly sorry for my tardiness troops, but in my defence, I’ve had exams, and on Friday filled a basin (aka my stomach) wae abot 90 different drinks, n spent the majority of yesterday sweatin oot that expedition so thats led to me sittin here reviewin RAW an hour before the next yin airs. I widda just left it, but I’ve nearly been daein this god forsaken hing for a year now and as far as I can recall theres been something on the site for RAW every week. I’m no Brock Lesnar mate. I eat, I sleep and I continue to keep aw ma streaks goin. So this is happening. Its gonnae be rushed and aw I can really say regarding that is that from next week onwards you’re gonnae be gettin everything I’ve got. Aw the words. The site’s gonnae look nicer. Fresher. Cleaner. So enjoy this hauf arse tripe will ye can, cause from this point on I’ll be subjecting ye tae the best I’ve got tae offer.

Bray Wyatt is better than London

RAW was in London this week btw, and Bray Wyatt cut arguable his best promo yet. I say that every fuckin week, but this week it was true. It wis true last week anaw. It always is. That’s no important. Watch the promo. He has a message for those who doubted him in the past. In particular some teacher who called him evil. He agrees but, he is evil. It was beautiful really, I cannae dae it justice wae my words but I can gie ye some words about a fuckin “what?” chant starting. A fuckin what chant during a Bray Wyatt promo, London wis awrite in my book. I enjoyed being there for ICW, but ye cannae get away wae “What?” chanting a Bray Wyatt promo and not expect tae get yer jaw cracked. Fuckin haufwit bastards. Cenas music plays and Bray sends the beards oot tae meet him, but whilst they’re staunin in the aisle glaikit staring at fuck all, Cena sneaks in fae the back and hits Bray with the AA.
Lets re-cap that eh. One guy cuts a rousing promo about overcoming struggles and being a prophet, and a sleekit squate haircut bearing prick sneak attacks him fae the back. Who’s the hero and who’s the villain there eh? John Cena is a heel. Cena vs Harper later. Should be braw if Cena can be arsed. 

Cesaro vs Sheamus

Heyman cuts a beautiful heel promo. Think he slagged the queen if I mind right. Usual Lesnar patter. I’ve no got time tae re-watch the match guys. I’m sorry. It was excellent though. It has forearms tae the dome, it had uppercuts, it had an Oirish Curss Backbreakurr (I wis daein an irish accent there, did ye pick up on that? course ye did, yer a smart kid) and wae the aid of a wee Heyman distraction, my man Cesaro wins it wae the deadlift German Suplex. Sheamus goes for a handshake afterwards, seemingly quite prepared to admit that our Cesaro outsmarted him fair and square, but Cesaro ducked the handshake quite beautifully. Supposedly seen muttering “I fuckin hate that chest beating spot he does so I dae, its the worst hing” in Heymans ear and they struted up the ramp like they owned the place. Whit a team. I don’t understand folk who don’t seem tae think Heyman has made a difference tae Cesaro. Being affiliated wae someone of Heymans status is enough of a difference, and will make more casual fans take notice of Cesaro. Put it this way right, say half of the folk who watch RAW are causal fans. Only tune in for the big names, or whoever their weans like. Such fans might channel surf, or even skip right past a Cesaro match. Cause he isnae The Rock, Stone Cold, Hulkg Hogan or somecunt else they know. Those same people hear Paul Heyman talk about The Undertaker, and they keep watching. The invariably a Cesaro match starts, and they watch that anaw. All of a sudden Cesaro is the most popular professional wrestler in the world. The end.

A happy tale wae a happy ending, and then we had a coupla big guys!

Big E vs Big Guy (Beat the clock challenge for the number one contendership for the IC Title)

So much yass. My two favourite big guys lockin diddies. The Big Guy cuts a wee video promo about how he’s just like Big Ben, but Big Bens a clock and Rybacks a guy. A Big Guy. He says that if Big Ben was an actual guy named Ben, as opposed to being a really big clock, the big guy would be the biggest guy in London cause he’s even BIGGER than big ben, but the two cant be compared due to one being a human male (Big Guy) and the other being a clock (Big Ben) so now we’ve got that out the road, let me just say that this match wis decidedly average. My appreciation for the Big Guy isnae much to do with his wrestling abilities tbh, but he has got decidedly less shite. Limited still, but watching him disnae make me want tae take a nosedive oot a windae, so thats gid. The meathook clothesline looks crisper. The scoop slams are more scoopy. He puts the “proper” in “properly executed suplex” He goes for hunners of pins, cause hes lookin tae set a difficult time for these other chumps tae beat, but Big E in aw his juicy diddied wisdom hits the big ending after 5:02 tae win the battle of the big guys.

Fuck knows

For some reason R-Truth got his full entrance. For some reason he wis wae the Funkadactlys. Then Fandango comes oot, presumably tae have a wee bit of a wrestle wae the Truthster, only for Summer Rae tae jump oot n winch Fandango. Cannae blame her like, his winching credentials are there for all tae see, but at the same time, roll this reality tv pish intae a wee baw and kick it aff the edge of the earth. I ken the earths a sphere, but shut up anyway. Still dont get why R-Truth got his full entrance though.

Stephanie McMahon being a heely wee ride

This is bumped patter btw. ICW have done this already. Everycunt knew Grado wisnae gonnae be at Fear and Loathing last year, but the NAK came out to his music and got the pop, before revealing themselves to be the heeliest bastards in the universe. Daniel Bryans music hits even though everycunt knows he’s in the hospital after his surgery, and oot comes oor Steph in yer Aunty Alices favourite leather skirt, tae lead the YES! chants. Continues the heel patter by bringing Bad News Barrett intae it anaw. Fuckin beautiful so it wis. Stephanie’s like a fine wine is she no? In the sense that I really wantae smell, then taste her.

Heath Slater (w/ The Union Jacks) vs Rusev

3MB are called The Union Jacks when they’r over here, and its such a hoot. They were union jack patterened troosers, n they’re actually faces. Its lovely and nice. Then Lana comes oot and naecunt gies a flyin fuck about them. Even Drew. She looked like a secretary, but insteada answering phonecalls, daein paperwork and arranging meetings, she slaps ye in the face and calls ye scum…a lot. Rusev flung Slater aboot lit an empty milk crate and that wis that.

Shieldsies

I’m no a fan of how they’re turning a legit collision which led tae Reigns burst his eye at the Glesga house show intae some pre meditated attack fae Orton. Folk seen it mate. They crashed intae each other. Personally I think it wis Reignsys fault, and it pains me tae say that, but Orton hits the mat when hes about tae dae that quick powerslam thing he does, and I think Reigns missed his cue and ran straight intae him. Either he wis gonnae hit the spear, or he thought the reversal wis Orton moving oot the road, but he didnae anticipate the powerslam. Orton stood still, Reigns ran heid first intae him. Anyway, botch logistics aside, the promo wis awrite. Patter about Evolution being fearties. Braw stuff fae all 3 once again. Ambrose shuffling away in the background as Rollins gies it some excellent patter about gettin revenge and knocking fuck outta Batista later tonight.

Bert Van Dam vs Berty Naebelts (Beat The Clock IC Belt Situation)

The two Berts! re-united and it feels so good. It wis a predictably excellent wee match. They always did have braw matches. De Rio was bossing it, but he misses the low superkick and RVD rolls him up wae about 50 seconds left tae beat Big Es time. During the match ye see Big E watching it next tae a monitor pensively, which accounts for about 80% of his TV time recently. Why dae I keep seeing him watch teles but hes no cut any hilarious promos since he made it tae the main roster? If they let him be his usual hilarious self, he’d be over as fuck. Its a travesty.

Evolution being fuds

Hate they stupid t-shirts. Hate that they’re really pushing Reignsys eye injury as the result of some kinda vicious attack cause I wis there mate. I seen it. So did 12 thousand other folk. Anytime Evolution aren’t directly involved in 6 man tag matches wae The Shield, they can get tae fuck. 

Batista vs Seth Rollins

So The Shield and Evolution are banned fae ringside, but Trips is the boss mate. he does whit he wants. Makes himself special guest ring announcer and announces Randy Nae-eyes as the guest timekeeper. Sneaky, sleekit, mare beak than face huvin bastard ye! But eh…for some reason The Shield are involved in creative anaw it would seem and they make themselves special guest ring announcers. Made nae sense tae me ataw, the Triple H element does cause hes an authorty figure but aye…..ok. Anyway, it of course leads tae an almighty stramash, cause apparantly Seth Rollins isnae allowed tae just beat Batista clean. It wisnae as good a match as the one they had on Smackdown (which was legitimately stoatin btw, for a Batista match anyway) The Shield come out on top, cause The Shield have Dean Ambrose, and even if they dont come out on top…they fuckin dae anyway…cause Ambrose mate. Wur ye no listenin before? Watch this shit btw, it’ll gie ye some context tae me imitating Dusty Rhodes a lot for the rest of this review.

Alicia Foxx vs Paige

She got the win baaaaaaaaby! Alicia Foxx fuckin beat Paige in England, cause WWE dont like people tae have any joy. Nae hometown pop for you! It wis excellent though. Made hunners of sense. For once it didnae feel like they were making the hometown favourite lose for the sake of it. Alicia Foxx has battered her for 2 weeks in a row, and fully merited the win. Celebrated hilariously. Stealin a crowin and pourin juice err her ain heid. Lovely stuff troops. Alicia Foxx is really gid. This feud will be spectacular if they keep letting her tae good shit, and also, I kinda want her tae dae that tilt-o-whirl backbreaker on me…a lot. Won wae a bit kick tae the chops in the corner anaw. Paige got knocked da fugg out.

Ziggler vs Mark Henry (Beat The Clock Thing…IC Title)

Two of my main boaysies. This was fuckin excellent. Beautiful high dropkick fae Dolph, followed by another equally braw yin, and a kinda botched Fameasser before that. I dunno why im tellin ye moves outta sequence. It seems like suhin Dean AMbrose impersonating Dusty Rhodes wid dae, so we’ll go wae it. Mark Henry stays in it, and catches  crossbody attempt fae Dolph, turning it intae a wee homage for the British Bulldog wae a running powerslam. Dolph hits the ZigZag wae 4 seconds left tae beat the clock, but time runs oot befoe he can get the pin. Aw well eh. Life’s a bitch sometimes, but her still a some man.

RVD comes oot the salute his victory, and Barrett knocks RVD the FUCK oot wae a Bullhammer fae behind. He’s afraid he’s got some bad news, and that news is that RVD needs tae fight Barrett, before gien it some patter about England setting the time for everycunt. Smashin.

THE COFFEYS WERE ON RAW GUYS!

Aye. Adam Rose n that, but see the penguin at the front of his wee entourage wae the Red Nose and Rose painted on his face. THATS JOE COFFEY! See the cunt in the penguin suit? THATS MARK COFFEY. See the guy Jack Swagger grabbed by his suit jaiskit? That wis JOE HENDRAY (local hero) Three Scottish boays, front and centre on Monday night RAW babaaaaaay. You gotta love it. That Bunny’s an evil bunny though. Evil as fuck Maggle. But aye. Fun segment. Included some Coffeys. I’m happy. JBL isnae cause of the bunnies.

John Cena vs Luke Harper

It wis quite good. Cena got a beatdown at the end. Aw the way up the ramp. Fallaway Slam fae Rowan on the cold hard ground. Ye dont need any more words than that. It was ages ago. Harper hits suicide dives. Bray hit Sister Abigail on both Usos as they came down tae provide hauners. Deid Usos. Deid Cena. Harper counts tae 10 while Bray sings Whole World In his Hands. Gid end tae an underwhelming RAW.

This wisnae very good eh no? That’s life but. Comfortably better than any other RAW Reivew you’ll read an hour before the newest ep airs. Love ye. Thanks for understanding. x

 

 

 

 

 

 

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