Newcastle for fuckin wrestling eh? Whit are we even daein? Is this real? Before London I’d been to England once in my whole life, and it wis purely so I could give it the middle finger when we got tae the border. Fuck England. Independence now ya pricks. Nigel Farage is a re-incarnation of Hitler, and that 5 chinned BNP cunt looks like a taxi driver you’d suspect of fingerblastin his passengers against their will. Whit dae ye even call that cunt again? Nick Clegg! Thats the wan. Aye…fuck him.
I jest though, England’s lovely if ye don’t mind English people, and eh…wrestling’s good! ICW’s taking over the fuckin world anaw. First Glesga got conquered, now Edinburgh gets pumped repeatedly, London got sold out and pillaged for everything worth having, and now Newcastle’s gettin fuckin invaded. London had a few of the diehards doon, but Newcastle’s getting flooded wae disorientated, drunk Scottish folk. Absolutely swarmin the place in the name of grapplin and good times. I really hope I meet one of The Geordie Shores, and if Peter Beardsley disnae tweet me back about catchin a pint wae him and either Ant or Dec (the wan wae the biggest foreheid, I think thats Ant) I’m gonnae be raging. So if ye like Jimmy causin Havoc, The New Age Kliq slingin hunners ah kicks (this is awful patter, I’m truly sorry) and eh…..Fergal fuckin Devitt. ICW – Jimmy Nails Revenge has got it aw. Ye still no planning on coming? Newcastle too far away is it? You’ve got work on Monday. Excuses mate. Fuck work, fuck yer bellyachin, just fuckin shut up and get tae Newcastle.
Darkside vs Noam Dar
I genuinely remember my first show having these two involved early on. Noam Dar came oot and cut an arrogant wee heel promo, then Wolfgang came oot for their match, and I’m pretty certain Darkside(James Scott at the time) cracked him wae a chair. I mind thinking Dar and Darkside must be a tag team or somethin, cause they both had trendy haircuts and a mutual love for battering big mean lookin cunts wae goatees, but apparently not. This match will be spectacular. It’ll have various kicks, submission holds, probably a few variations of chops and eh. I dunno. A suplex or five. I hope its allowed tae be a one on one fight. If it’s on after Renfrew vs Havoc, I assume Renfrew will be too steamin tae have any involvement in it, so that just leaves BT and Divers, but Noam has fellow Ayrshire Mafioso Grado, and of course big Wolfgang tae call upon if required, so we’ll see mate. We’ll see. I fancy Darkside tae win, but the quality of the match will elevate both tae the upper echelons of the card/human existence.
Damo vs Joe Coffey (Joe Hendry Special Ref)
The heavyweights collide! Second time big Damo’s been booked against someone who’d be considered a ‘face’ in the company, which makes ye wonder if Damo can ever be categorised in the usual wrestling terms. He has troubles wae The Kennedy Administration (namely the special ref for this match, Joe Hendray, Global Hero) and they’re a merry band of dastardly baddies….I think. Everycunt loves Joe Hendry and Kenny, even if they hate each other, so are they even heels? Has Damo been the bad yin all along? Fuck knows. This will be a hard hitting encounter, with Joe probably partaking in some kind of spectacular deadlift suplexing, and picking up the win thanks tae a combination of raw power moves, Superfly splashin, and some unscrupulous refereeing from JOE HENDRAAAY (Global Hero)
Stevie Boy and Kay Lee Ray vs Liam Thomson and Carmel
Got a sneaky wee feeling this could come fae nowhere and take match of the night. Carmel and Kay Lee Ray never fail tae do wonderful things together in the ring, and the same goes for Thomson and Stevie during their various collisions as part of the Bucky Boys and Fight Club respectively, so just purely fae a wrestling point of view, it’ll be braw. Add in the fact that there’s heat between the two teams, and the fact that Liam Thomson might have legitimately broke Kay Lee in two wae that backcracker at Up and Atom! Ye’ve got the intensity in there anaw. Its gonnae be fuckin smashin. I mean smashin in the sense that it’ll be really fuckin good, and also cunts are gonnae get smashed. Liam Thomson and Carmel are becoming the most dominant duo in wrestling right now. The whole of wrestling tae. Try and think of a more dominant one mate. Legion of Doom? Nope, Hawk’s deid. The Bucky Boys? Maybe before, but Davie’s only got wan eye noo. Paul Heyman and his client (who conquered the streak) ? They’re formidable aye, but Brock’s too busy lying bawdeep in Sable tae come n work a lot of the time, so aye. Liam Thomson and Carmel are the Da’s. Or the Maw and Da if ye prefer, I dunno, I lost the point wae this metaphor a long time ago, but listen. The match will be braw. Thats aw ye need tae concern yersel wae.
Grado and Johnny Moss vs Polo Promotions
Intriguing one wae Grado and Mossy teaming, both men have a bone tae pick with Polo Promotions head honcho Jackie Polo, but they don’t seem like a compatible pair. Its been a while since we seen Mossy in ICW, but any time ye do see him, he disnae seem the type to take life lightly. He’s no a natural comedian. He’s less intae the Shake, Rattle and Roll side of wrestling, and more intae the Shake ye vigorously, Rattle yer jaw wae a right hook, and Roll ye intae the Clyde side of things. Should be entertaining, but Mark Coffey has to be wondering what he’s getting himself intae here. Sure, he recaptured the Zero-G Title as part of the Polo Promotions setup, but so far aw that seems tae happen aside fae that is big angry guys chase him cause they don’t like his boss. First Sweeney, and now they big angry Englishman. Cannae see Grado losing twice in a row, so him and Mossy will most likely prevail UNLESS we get a sneaky wee heel turn fae Mossy, and he becomes a regular fixture on the ICW roster again as a part of the Polo Promotions team. The prospect of that just gied me a wee stauner btw. How fuckin good would that be?
Chris Renfrew vs Jimmy Havoc (Geordie Rules Match – 3 rounds lasting 5 minutes, where each man will down a JD and Coke and a shot of Sambucca between rounds)
Carnage. Fuckin carnage. I didnae start going to ICW till the show after the one where they had their Glasgow Rules match, but I’ve seen it on youtube, and it was fuckin deadly. I dunno how either of them survived. I regularly have no idea how Jimmy Havoc survives things right enough. He seems to enjoy being harmed. Someone will probably die here. Before every show, I’m always wondering if Renfrew will be cashing in, but I think its safe tae say this probably wont be the one. Spose it would be extra heely if the cunt managed tae win the belt after the rest of his crew batter fuck outta Jester or Devitt for him, and place his steamin corpse on top of the champion for the 3 count, but nah. I anticipate Renfrew swinging wildly inaccurate right hooks at unsuspecting Geordies in the nearest hospital, while Jimmy Havoc is quietly zipped intae a body bag and never heard from again (due tae being deid) Before that, I fancy Renfrew tae win. If there even is a way for anyone tae come out of this able tae call themselves a ‘winner’. Aye Mr Renfrew, ye won the match, but I’m afraid we couldn’t re-attach yer right arm in time. Apologies.
BT Gunn vs Wolfgang
Both fresh off having wonderful matches at Up and Atom! and wae a healthy amount of pure and utter hate for each other, I imagine this will be a beezer. Wolfgang also kinda flung BT aff a balcony at Still Smokin, and BT has made a habit of slingin superkicks, and various thumbtack lined objects in Wolfys direction so there’s certainly some bad blood here. Perhaps during the match we’ll literally see some bad blood. Perhaps we’ll see another hangmans rope spot. Perhaps we’ll see BT Gunn being speared through Alan Shearers living room windae. Fuck knows. I felt like we were lacking in Newcastle related jokes, so I kinda shoehorned that in there, but aye. This will be a beauty. A culmination of months of hard work, and by ‘hard work’, I mean intense hatred for one and other.
Jack Jester vs Fergal Devitt (ICW Title Match)
Nah. I’m not ready. This can’t be the end. Surely not. I don’t even have the words. I want tae tell him that I love him, but no in a creepy ‘I watch you from afar’ kinda way, more of ‘I respect how talented ye are, and I’m a straight man, but yer abs make ma salivate…’ way, but I dunno if thats even a thing is it? Is there a way tae tell yer fellow-man ye really like his abs without sounding creepy? Seriously though, I’d say when I first started going tae ICW nearly 2 years ago, my interest in wrestling was at the stage most folk get tae in adulthood, especially when aw yer really exposed tae is WWE shit, and its largely a pile of baws. I still liked it, but it didnae captivate me like it used to. When I had the pleasure of seeing Fergal Devitt vs Wolfgang wae my own two eyes and I got drawn into the quality of the match and the atmosphere intae the bargain? That was me hooked. I was back tae being the wide-eyed wee boy who used tae watch Summerslam 90 every other day and marvel at the fact that Hulk Hogan could pick Earthquake up and slam the big bastard. The same cunt who felt his heart racing anytime The Utlimate Warrior bounced oot, and shook the top rope like it owed him money. ICW in association wae Fergal Devitt and Wolfgang enterprises gave me that passion back, so for that I’ll always be thankful. If this is the last time we get tae see Fergal Devitt in an ICW ring, we’ll all have been better off for the experience of seeing the cunt ataw. I have a sneaky we feeling it wont be the last time though. I know there’s patter regarding this perhaps being “Fergals Last Stand” but does that necessarily mean his last match? Maybe that’s referring tae a series of matches eh. He’ll dae this show, the next London show and Shugs House Party, the last of which will be a re-match wae Wolfy, because in the immortal words of Gabrielle dreams….can come true. Look at me babe, I’m with you.
You know ya got ta have hope.
You know ya got ta be strooooooong.
I’ll try Gabrielle hen, but I dont see this ending in anything other than tears. Win, lose or draw. I’m gonnae greet fae every orifice possible. I cannae see Jester dropping the belt way from home to a guy going tae WWE soon though…UNLESS Fergal has at least one more match in him. Although it has been said that the title will be up for grabs in a tournament if he does win it and disnae return to the company within 30 days, but that would kinda kill the Renfrew waiting on the demise of Jester angle stone deid, so as undoubtedly brilliant as a title tournament would be, I cannae see it happening.
So aye….Fergal Devitt and Jester will wrestle, and I predict puddles of various moisture aw over Newcastle as a result.
Remember, if yer travelling down tae Newcastle via any form of public transport, bring a tazer in case any sweaty weirdos make a grab for yer left baw and/or arsecheeks. Only speak to strangers if they have sweeties, and always fuckin remember this. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It’s no sold oot for once either! Get tickets fae Ticketmaster, or some other place selling them. It’s only newcastle mate. 3 hours it takes tae get there. London wis fuckin 8 hours, so its fuck all in comparison. Dae it. Mon. It’ll be gid.