So Payback eh. In the unfortunate event that you’ve gone deaf sometime in the past 3 or 4 weeks, the name of this PPV might have escaped you, so that’s why I just told you. Also put it in the title, cause I’m neat, helpful and rarely (often) late. Its called Payback. Everyone says it all the time. Even JTG says it to everyone who comes to his autograph signings and asks him what its like having Virgil as a dad. So listen, we’re writing in plain english and we’re writing some previews baby. Because of the limitations that plain English places upon me patter wise, I will be clicking in and out of a Dusty Rhodes impression throughout this article, and if you’re not down with that…I got two words for ya! That’s unfortunate.
Pre-Show – El Torito vs Hornswoggle (Hair vs Mask match)
Nah. I like Torito, but nah. I’ll be in Newcastle trying to convince burds that I’m Bray Wyatts baldier, more dashing brother, so I won’t catch this. I also won’t catch it, cause who gives a fuck?
Big E vs Rusev
Genuinely had no idea this was on the card until about 15 seconds ago. 20 seconds now. 25….ah you get the point. Anyway, it’ll involve a lot of shoulder tackles, and Big E will be allowed to get 5-10 offensive moves in, before inevitably tapping to the Camel Clutch, and Rusev is still fuckin boring, no matter how short Lanas skirts get. I don’t give a flying fuck about this generic rugby player lookin cunt. Rusev for the win.
Sheamus vs Cesaro (US Title Match)
Christ knows. You assume they’re trying to build Cesaro with the Heyman affiliation, but I assumed the same about Curtis Axel and Ryback, and whilst that worked out for the best (Rybaxel 4 Lyf) I still dont know where this alliance between him and Cesaro is going. If he was to win this clean, or maybe with a wee bit of help from Heyman, I would shit myself with excitement, but if I’m watching it live, it’ll be in Newcastle with other people, and without a change of underwear, so I’ll just be sitting there tanning bourbon in my shitty skants. Not ideal. I anticipate a belter of a match. Hard hitting stuff, unfortunately culminating in that big belt stealing ghosty bastard going home with his stupid unlawfully obtained belt.
Paige vs Alicia Foxx (Divas Title Match)
Love this. You’ve got the inane total divas shite eating up time on RAW every week, and then you’ve got this beauty of a feud between these beautiful lassies. It warms my under carraige so it does. I think this will be one of the matches of the night, with Paige finally getting sick of Alicia kicking fuck out her every week to lead the match from the front and emerge victorious. Hopefully with the erection inducing Scorpion Crosslock, and not that awful Paige Turner thing she does. Sorry hen, but its pish.
Bad News Barrett vs Rob Van Dam (Intercontinental Title Match)
Oh you thought RVD had a chance of becoming IC Champ aye? WELL I’M AFRAID I’VE GOT SOME BAAAAAAAAAD NEWS. Winds of change, Bullhammer with EXTRA torque. Game over baby. That RVD boy! He gon be pickin his lil ol jaw up off the canvas, cause that boy Bad News does it BIG! Ya’ll know how it is sugar. (That was the aforementioned Dusty Rhodes impression btw, how’s it tasting? Sweet like chaklit?)
Bray Wyatt vs John Cena (Last Man Standing Match)
Fuckin….DO IT RIGHT. Sorry. This feud frustrates the life out of me, cause if it had been done right to this point, Bray Wyatt would be on the verge of immortality. On the verge of greatness. Doing it how they have, they’ve made him look weak at every turn. He needs Harper and Rowan to get anywhere. Even when they don’t get the job done, he needs creepy dead eyed children. What he really fucking needs is a clean win here. Dominance midway through the match, Sister Abigail from on top of the steel steps through the announce table. Job done. Legitimate main event icon made. Daniel Bryan returns, and they feud forever for the shiny belts, culminating in an 120 iron man match at Wrestlemania 31. Which I’ll sell a kidney to be in attendance for. Life completed. Cena will probably win though, and he’ll win the belts at WM31, and I wont be there cause I’ll be having my appendix removed, only for them to discover I don’t have an appendix, and the thing causing my painful abdomen is A LIVING BREATHING GREMLIN EATING MY INSIDES.
Evolution vs The Shield (No holds barred elimination match)
As long as its not Ambrose eliminated first, I’m pretty much ok with how this goes down. Anything but Ambrose out first. I bet he has the shortest odds for it as well. Which is a travesty because he’s the fucking Titty Maestro and he deserves better. I’d love it if The Shield knock the living shite out of all 3 Evolutioneeeees, and get the win with the Triple Powerbomb on Triple Beak, after his too less beak heavy pals have already been eliminated, but I have a sneaky feeling The Shield will wind up losing due to interference from the 4th Evolution member. Either Sheamus or…..OUR VERY OWN DREW MCINTYRE! (but probably Sheamus…fucking Sheamus..fuck sake) So aye. Who knows eh? Whatever happens here, it’ll most certainly be wrestling in various forms…so that’s nice. Shield for the win.
I actually didn’t realise how decent this card is until I started writing this preview, so it might be good. COULD be great, but will probably underwhelm, cause thats how WWE seem to be doing things these days. Sorry I only done the Dusty impression once btw, I just decided that I’d do it where it felt natural y’know? and that was the only bit where it felt right. There will be more Dusty in the future though. You deserve it. We all do.