RAW is the same show every fuckin week lately, and I’m getting sick bothering my arse aboot it. Don’t mistake this kinda grumpy start as the tone of this review eh? I’ll make it as sunny and hilarious as humanly possible as we go on, but I’d like tae say right away, that its gettin extremely difficult tae pretend tae be invested in RAW as a weekly show, when its full of the same shite. Same injustices. Same everythin, different toon. Yer client Brock Lesner conquered the streak, Daniel Bryan might get fucked over, and will certainly get a doing aff Kane. Big E and his marvellous bouncy chebs remains underutilised. Drew Mcintyre remains in the best shape of his life, so he can job to various Mexicans of various statures, and fuckin Batista. Aw the time. Batista in ma face wae his stupid tattoos and popsocks. I hate ye Dave. Ye’ve got considerably fitter and more able in the ring wae every passing week since yer comeback and I still hate ye wae a fiery passion. Fuck ye and yer permanently mistimed shanner of a spear.
Trips, Steph, Braddox and Corporate Kane masquerading as masked Kane
Fuckin whit? So the whole Kane vs DBry angle is built on the fact that naecunt can control Kane, he’s a loose cannon and he will murder you, yer faimly, and assorted dugs in yer area for the fuck of it, but now Steph and Trips need a wee job done, he’s intae it? Nah, this isnae for me atae. For a start, I’ll miss wee Braddox and his unbelievably sweaty erse. Mind the he wiped the sweat fae his brow, and the resulting waves caused the Tsunami that wiped oot hauf of Japan that time? Naw. Well whitever. Trips blames him for The Shield being allowed tae be guest commentators last week, and gets Kane tae batter him for his troubles. Poor cunt also gets told he’s fired. Whit did wee Braddox dae to you Trips eh? Fuck all. He was just dutifully doing his job, and in his spare time he wis lookin through his ex burd fae high schools bedroom windae wae a pair of binoculars. She still a ride Brad ma man? I bet she is.
Cesaro vs RVD (Barrett cuttin aboot anaw)
Barett vs RVD gies me a right floppy for some reason. Even though their match in the final of that IC Title Tournament was braw, I’m just no that intae it. RVD vs most folk is making me saft these days, although he has looked better in recent weeks, after an indifferent start tae his latest return. Barrett has some Bad News for us and that news is that he’s still gonnae be the IC Champion after Sunday. Big yin, I think yer gettin bad news and good news mixed up again.
Cesaro takes advantage of RVD bein aw wide eyed and yella teethed at Barretts patter tae hits a glorious gutwrench suplex, followed by a stauner inducing pair of uppercuts in the corner. Cesaro does uppercuts better than I dae anything. Probably better than anycunt does anything. That boy RVD got inta some flippity trippity kickity shit after that, wae some flippy kicky kicks. Tries a moonsault aff the apron, but Cesaro caught, and battered him aff the apron. RVD has a wee rally, which of course led tae mare flippity shit. Spinning heel kick, rolling thunder and some other shit. A crossbody anaw and then suhin beautiful. Barrett stood up, tae probably crtique the various technical errors in RVDs work when KABLAM! Superkick tae the jaw. Absolute peach tae. Caught him flush, and Barretts legs had some BAAAAAAD NEEEWS for the rest of him, cause they were aboot tae buckle ma man! “Oh lemme tell ya boy, that bad news English sumbitch came CRASHIN down babay, EMTs ova there checkin if that man still got a jaw! haha, you gotta love it sugar” (sorry that wis Dusty Rhodes again, I cannae fuckin help it, its aw Dean Ambroses fault)
Split legged moonsault fae Boab gets a two count, before a wee sequence of uppercut and clothesline evasion, leads RVD tae the apron, where he sees Barrett gettin in his bidness, and he’s aw “you better get aff that apron mate, or i’ll dae some kinda flippy shit aw err ye” only for Cesaro tae grab him fae behind, and hurl him over his perfectly formed dome wae a beautiful bridging German Suplex. For aw the shit currently happening on RAW that I cannae stand, Cesaro winning matches wae German Sulexes outta nowhere gies me a RIGID stauner. Whit a fuckin man ye are Cesaro. Whit a man indeed.
Speaking of things I fuckin hate about RAW right now..Sheamus! It’s Yersel! Doon he comes tae take Cesaros heid wae an ENTIRELY unprovoked Brogue Kick, before he cheekily sneaks an unwanted handshake in. A handshake without consent is not a real handshake. No means no. Ya fuckin brute.
Drew Mcintyre jobs tae a we bull
Bray Wyatt saves our mortal souls
Beautiful promo work as per. The only thing about this show I gave a fuck about. I mean guys, I just watched Drew Mcintyre job tae a tiny bull. A talented bull btw. Nae offence tae the bull ataw, he does good shit, but he’s still a tiny bull. Drew Mcintyre is in the shape of his life, a talented cunt, and comes fae Scotland. Scotland’s nice innit? So is wrestlers getting in good shape. Its a sign of dedication. Commitment tae the betterment of yer ain career and the business in general, so why’s he jobbing tae wee bulls mate? Why? Sorry, I wis just gonnae pretend it never happened, but I couldnae dae it. It irked me on a deeper level. The same level Dolph Ziggler dropping the WH Title did. That kinda level where ye wantae smash a glass bottle err yer heid, and throw each individual piece of broken glass at the tele one by one as ye slowly bleed oot, but hey…BRAY WYATT WAS HERE TO SAVE US!
He speaks of the role he must play in this world. He speaks of being the necessary evil. Its aw similar at this stage cause the enemy is the same, and the enemy’s gien him nae feedback worth talking about. Whit’s Cena giving Bray tae feed off exactly? The usual shite, aw the time, so all Bray can do wae these promos is continue driving home the same point in a new and interesting way. Cena is the devil. There’s a monster inside Cena. Then Bray took it somewhere different. He turns roon an does the thing I’m sure every single wrester in the company has wanted to do at some point in their career…He calls oot Jerry Lawler! Get in here king n huv a word wae Mike Rotundas baby boy (no the wan wae the love handles that implores ye tae BO-Lieve…but we did get some of him later oan) Jerry is reticent initially, probably cause he feared Bray wis gonnae take him tae task for his various sins against lawful shaggin, and the wearing of respectable t-shirts, but he’s eventually persuaded tae climb in after Harper knocks JBL the FUGG out. JBL must have spotted Harper making a move towards Maggle or suhin, and he wis aw “HEYYOUGUYSGOTTALEAVEMAGGLEALONE! HE’SNUTTINBUTAPOORDEFENCELESSMAGGLE!” but his admirable defence of his wee pal Maggle saw him catch a heid severing Spinning Lariat.
Bray sits Jerry doon and insists he need not be feart. We’ll only bust the anal probe oot if yer answers are unsatisfying. Bray snaps intae yon mildly demonic mode where his voice dips intae barely audible wailing at various points and its fuckin BEAUTIFUL. There’s nae questions for Lawler btw, he just berates him about bein pals wae Cena, and how they huv wee chats backstage about their mutual hatred for Colt Cabana, and the Jewish people in general. Fuckin reprehensible set ah scumbags so they urr. At this point it looks extremely likely that Jerry Lawler’s gonnae take Sister Abigail, and hopefully it’ll push the bridge of his nose right through the part of the brain that controls speech. Of course Super Cena jets oot tae save the day but, cause he couldnae very well dae anything else could he? Makes ye wonder whit he wis uptae before it got tae this stage that wis so important though. Surely somedy must have told him whit wis happenin before it got tae Sister Abigail time, but Cena’s sittin backstage playin Pontoon wae JTG. Oot he comes anyway, but Harper and Rowan deal wae him eventually after catching a flurry of lariats initially. They tell Cena tae watch as they send his wee leather faced patterless predator of a pal straight tae hell, but unfortunately ma fuckin main boaysies The Usos jumped oot tae provide hauners Cena didnae deserve. The Usos are the fuckin TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…put them in TAG TEAM FEUDS. They urnae Cenas hired hauners, they’re the best tag team in the company. Whit-fuckin-ever. Another phoned in promo fae Cena followed. He’s gonnae stop Bray at Payback. He says Payback a few more times. Everycunt keeps saying it. We get it. The PPVs called Payback. Ye want people tae buy it. Can we aw just agree that we will and move the fuck on? TAH MUCH.
Rusev squashin Zack Ryder
A few things.
1. Zack Ryder got an entrance. Good for you Zack. Good for fuckin you ma man.
2. It disnae matter how short ye make Lanas skirts, or how much I want her tae dig her nails intae my shoulderblades tae the pain gets too much and I’m reduced tae very real, and blissful tears…I don’t give a fuck about Rusev. That’s no his fault either, but the jobber squashin thing is relevant for maybe a week or two before it starts hurting whoever’s daein it. Look at the last few cunts they’ve done it wae. Broadus Clay, Ryback and Tensai. Two of the became dancing fat parodies of themselves, and the other yin wis rushed intae main events he wisnae anywhere close tae being ready for before eventually becoming the tower of hilairty and hi-jinks we refer tae as THE BIG GUY!..Its only gonnae work wae Rusev if ye get him in a feud of any relevance soon, and as much as I love Big E, unless he wins at Payback, I cannae see this being the wan. I reckon that match will be a bawhair aff a squash as we continue tae try n make DunderheidSev look as strong as possible. Big E came oot tae help his pal Zack after Rusev smashes fuck out him, and depressingly he waves an American flag aboot wae wide eyed reckless abandon after knockin Rusev oot the ring. FUCK YER USA VS RUSSIA PISH. Rusev’s fuckin Bulgarian and Big Es maw n da are fae Trinidad or suhin.
3. Lana hen…….burst me. Burst me like the dirty plook that I am.
The Two Non Beaks (Orton and Bawheidsta) vs The Rhodesies
This wis changed tae a no-holds barred elimination match tae prep nae eyes n nae talent for their match at Payback. Goldust gets in and floors Batsista wae a coupla clotheslines and that sexy wee uppercut he does, but he’d live tae regret his actions later on. Wee Cody gets punted oot after a missed Disaster Kick leads tae the RKO, and THAT wis the point they revealed it wis an elimination match. Sneaky sneaky. Who gies a shite but? Why is Goldust getting a doing relevant tae anything? Why are him and Cody stilll a team and not currently huvin a feud that might actually lead tae cunts giving more than a passing fuck about the midcard? I feel like I’m askin yees too many questions here troops, but WWE’s confusing me the noo. Goldust catches aw the classics aff this two heided enthusiasm vacuum, including yon DDT, the Batista Bomb, that kid on spear Batista does, and probably the RKO. Who keeps track ae this shite really? I kinda miss Goldy n Cody always being involved in 6 man tags on RAW. Least ye knew ye were in for a decent match, instead of the poor cunt gettin his baws toed aw the time.
JBLs back oot. Know why he had tae come back oot? Cause ITS BO TIME MAGGLE! YOU GOTTA BO-LIEVE. I cannae believe two of the things I wis most excited about on this RAW wis JBL returning tae commentary after getting knocked out by The Wyatts, and the debut of Bo Dallas. I used tae fuckin HATE Bo Dallas mate. Came up wae theories involving I.R.S huvin a defective baw cause I couldnae fathom how him and Bray came fae same bawsack, but I dunno whit the fuck happened. I still don’t love the cunt or anything, but ye cannae deny he’s good. He does this character perfectly and deserves major credit for it. Still no a fan of his in-ring stuff, but I’m on board. No gonnae cry masel a bo-liever or that right enough, but I do have some ad-bo-ration for the man’s work (sorry)
Bo Dallas vs Sin Cara
Sin Cara had some moments, but then he remembered that he’s Hunico, and Hunico’s a jobber, so he eh…jobbed. Suplex, and a various knee drops (including one that wis preceded by a motivational thumbs up for Sin Cara, cause he was clearly needin it as he wis just about tae catch a knee tae the clavicle) Sin Cara rallies again wae a whole manner of springboard flippy nonsense, before Bo puts him away wae the Tilt-o-whirl Bulldog, which he refers tae as the Bo-ll n Slice or suhin. Inspiring stuff on the mic afterwards tae. I DAE BO-LIEVE! If a dough hipped Pocohontas lookin cunt like yersell can make it in the WWE…anything’s possible!
DANIEL BRYAN! and Stephanie McMahon
I fuckin hate almost every aspect of this. How weak D-Bry has looked since they put the belts on him. Them teasing taking the belts off him since the neck injury. The fuckin Kane shite. Fuck masked Kane and fuck that whole angle btw, I wis awrite wae it initially cause I assumed it would lead to better things, but it didnae, so fuck it tae fuck a million times, then put it in reverse, aw the way back tae the start and fuck it tae fuck a few more fuckin times. Daniel Bryan tells us the neck injury is worse than first feared, thanks tae Kane, and makes reference tae the fact that Stephanie claimed she had nae control over him, when the battering of Brad Maddox earlier in the evening would suggest that’s a pile of fuckin shite. Then it got really fuckin good. Daniel Bryan pretty much lets about 6 months pain, uncertainly and full blown anguish oot, and screams it in Stephanies beautiful evil coupon. He refuses tae give up the belts. That’s just no on the the cards. Well Daniel Bryans got two words for ya baby! “Naw hen”
Then Stephanie threatens his dafty of a wife. Makes him aware that Brie shoved her a few weeks ago, and that’s no nice. Its so unpleasant that it could be unpleasant enough for a dismissal. So basically she tells him that he either gies up the belts at Payback or his narra ersed missus gets the sack. Fuckin keep them DBry mate. Yer burd cannae scream, and she’s nae tits. Get her pumped and get her dumped. Nah I jest, they’re clearly very much in love for eh…some fuckin reason. Whitever. I’m personally no entirely sure how much investment I could continue tae have in WWE if they did strip DBry. Unless his injury really is worse than feared, theres nae reason tae dae it unless they’ve wanted tae dae it all along. Depresses me so it does. The build taee him winning the belt, that magnificent video package he had for Mania, and its came tae this. A reign filled wae him and his shiter of a missus running away fae a near 50 year old man, and gettin bullied aff the bosses daughter. Pile of fuckin shite.
Emma vs Alicia Foxx
Here’s another thing that’s annoying me. Emma wis perfect on NXT. A fun gimmick, but she wis a wrestler. The gimmick wis mainly for the entrance, and daft promo shit, but in the ring she wis good. Unorthodox but good. Main roster Emma has been a shadow of her former self. Stuck in a weird kinda hauf romance wae Santino, where they seem tae swap the Patient/Carer roles on a weekly basis, and never really given any time tae show what she can do as a wrestler. She actually does get a wee chance here, but after hitting a spinning clothesline, and that thing she does in the corner (I’m no cawin it the Emmamite Sandwich mate…its a stupid fuckin name…I’ll no dae it) Alicia decides shes had enough and makes a run for it. Emma runs oot after her, but it wis aw a ruse. Alicia near knocks her clean wae a big boot, before dragging her back in tae slap her sunny wee Australian chops for her, but Emma ducks and pins her wae a rollup oot the corner.
Alicia disnae take too kindly tae the defeat, and leathers Emma after it. Seen that coming a mile aff like, but what followed I didnae see coming, and it gied me a semi. She starts aff by screamin about no bein a loser, and kinda slappin folk, which wis awrite. Then she pulled some pull wee cunt fae the timekeepers bit and gied him a wedgie, which wis kinda crossing intae that uncomfy feeling I used tae get when Ryback done his bully gimmick, n used tae stuff haunfi’s of mashed tottie intae the faces of unsuspecting backroom employees, before making them take a shower while he watches and stuff Wham bars intae his gub, n swallows them whole. But aye. She wedgied a poor cunt, called a fan in the front row a fat disaster, then the sexy bit came! Grabs two cans of sodapop fae fuckin somewhere, and soaked hersell in them. Glistening fae head tae toe so she wis, it wis fuckin delightful. A decent segment all in, even though it descended intae daftness, cause clearly this is her thing eh. Bratty but brutal. I like it. Her match wae Paige will be braw I think. Cause she’s a sassy lassie, and so’s Paige, so I think it’ll turn intae a barrage of backbreakers, and gid lookin burds screamin at each other, cause unlike a certain shiter hauf of a terrible set of twins, these are burds born wae the ability tae scream properly.
Adam Rose…Nae Coffeys or Joe Hendry? Nae fuckin party
Nope. I refuse. Done this before when they ripped the cunt outta Sandow, and I’m daein it again. Sandow’s dressed up as Davy Crockett and I’m no daein it. If Adam Rose had The Coffeys wae him again, then we might have entertained this, but he didnae. Nae Coffeys, nae Joe Hendray (Global Hero) and nae reason tae gie this a second look. Unless Damien Sandow lined up every single member of the Mcmahon family, and gied them each a thumb tae the eye, while whispering their greatest insecurity intae their ear (Vinces being that he has tae walk like he’s got the permanent jakey shakes, so it draws yer eyes away fae his teeny roid ravaged tiny baws) there’s nae good reason for this burial ataw.. but aye. Sandow got humiliated, Adam Rose wis a Rosebud, Jack Swagger and Zeb came oot tae be lemons. Nae…cunt…cares. Nae Coffeys. Nae party.
Sheamus vs Bert
Decent match. I remember it for its decentness. It had that spot I love. Ye know the wan? Maggle keeps saying the name of it, and I really need tae listen a bit harder cause I’d love tae learn its name so I would. I’d love tae learn it so I can write it on a sheet of A4 paper, scrunch it up intae a wee baw and SHOVE IT DOON MAGGLES STUPID THROAT FUR UHM. Fuck that spot. Sheamus takes a bit of a doing but of course wins wae the Brogue outta nowhere. Bert has nae belts, but at least he disnae steal belts aff geniuses mate. Ye had nae right! Thats Deanos belt.
Sheamus gets his just desserts but. One of the shining lights of this shanner of a RAW wis Heyman getting on the mic and calling him out for being the petty thieving, glaikit, milkbottle complexion huvin cunt that he is, and his captivating (and truthful) mic work, provides enough of a distraction for Cesaro tae knock the utter shite ootae auld ghosty baws. Knees him repeatedly in the jaw, before hitting him wae a beauty of a neautralizer. So gid, I’m gonnae call it the Beautralizer (I’ve tried this patter before, hoping it catches on this time…tell yer pals…Beautralizer baby!)
Shieldsies and Evolution huv a wee signing party
Ah Dean Ambrose on the mic. Good. Its been a rough RAW. Dean Ambrose saying words makes things better. Roman Reigns tosses some chairs aboot, cause it wis never gonnae be a civilised meeting wis it? Ambrose passes the mic tae Seth, seemingly irate that Roman wisnae chuckin the chair oot the ring wae enough attitude, so he tosses wan himself in a right angry manner. Lovely. Dean Ambrose even does chair throwing better than everycunt else. Some slevvered words fae the Beak. Blah blah. Patter about this is the last time you’ll see The Shield on RAW, cause seemingly Hunter is gonnae rig that beak tae become sort of atomic bomb, n he’s gonnae use it tae equalise The Shield. Blethers about watching them sign their contract, n how much of a proud da he wis when that happened, then Roman Reigns speared him a lot n he got really whiny aboot it and decided tae reform his merry band of ill-proportioned fannies. Dean Ambrose once again steals it, as The Shieldsies take a turn each signing the contract, ye know why? Cause he dropped a fuckin pen in hilarious fashion. Dean Ambrose has more charisma drappin his pen than most cunts have when they cut actual promos. He is a god.
Reigns chucks the contract towards Evolution and they sign it anaw. Thats that boys…up the road..nae need tae….aw fuck, there they fuckin go again. Another week, another brawl. Evolution get cleared oot, and Seth dives on them, but when Ambrose goes tae dae the same he gets clotheslined oot his boots by Batista. Superman Punch lands on his jaw for hurtin Dean. How dare you? Many titties have you even mastered mate? Evolution get the upper hand wae the help of a sledgehammer, and big Reignsy gets Triple Powerbombed through the announce table. I really wisnae overly intae it tbh. The only aspect of this feud thats made ma baws tingle is the match they had at Extreme Rules, and the work of Dean Ambrose. Everythin else feels like a re-hashed version of the shit that happened the week before, but maybe we were spoiled by the quality of the Shield v Wyatts shit eh? Anyway…aye. Romans broke in two. Shield lyin deed. The end.
I disliked a lot of RAW. Even the ebtter bits were underwhelming. Cesaro v RVD wis ok, apart fae that it wis weak as fuck match wise. So aye. 4 backstabbers oota 10, and that’s being kind tae it. Payback better be fuckin gid mate. Sick of RAW being an underwhelming pile of baws, and know whit else? #JusticeForDrew
Speaking of Payback, read this plain english preview I wrote!