Shorter, sweeter, faster….stronger? It’s words about a PPV anyway. I usually do a fuckin dissertation when it comes to PPVs, but I thought I’d try more of a brief overview this time, wae a bit less ae aw aht slang ah yase usually know? The slang thing isnae a gimmick like, it’s fairly close tae how I talk in real every day person life, and its infinitely more fun to write that way, but I can write without it and will be doing so a wee bit more from now on. Starting with this shit right here.
So we kicked off with Sheamus vs Cesaro for the US Title. We kicked off with a really solid midcard Smackdown match basically. I love Cesaro more than I love squishin the mince between ma fingers when I make homemade burgers (and for those who dont know me well, let me assure ye, I love that an obscene amount) but is he a Paul Heyman guy to chase the US Title? Is he fuck. He was never winning this, cause it’s either gonnae be the upper echelons for The King of Swing wae this push, or a permanent drop into obscurity. Make or break ya large nipped wonder of a man, ye got what it takes? Course ye fuckin dae. I liked the match, and I liked the fact that the finish exposed the Cesaro Swing for what it is. Flashy, but ultimately ineffective, and it proved costly as the wee dizzy spell he had after doing it led to the rollup. Stick to the deadlift German Suplexes, Neautralizers and dazzling them with your shimmering, humongous nipples.
(Just remembered there was a pre-show match between Torito and Hornswoggle. I resent all pre and post shows, because I feel that giving WWE 3 hours of my time is more than enough. I’m quite an old cunt that way. Unless the match is potentially dynamite, or involves a Ziggler, or one or more Usos, I’m no bothering my arse about it mate. However, it was a Hair vs Mask match and I’d be negligent as a reporter if I didn’t inform you, Hornswoggle lost and had to surrender his flowing locks. I would also be neglecting my duties as a reporter and as a human, if I failed to let ye know that no one on this planet, either conscious or otherwise, could give the beginnings of a fuck about this. Fuck yer pre-show)
And now for your monthly installment of “Why’s this on a PPV and Dolph Ziggler isnae?” this time it comes in the form of Rybaxel vs The Rhodes Brothers. I kinda get why they done it on the PPV, as yet another loss is suffered due to Codys ineptitude, leading to him telling his brother he needs a better tag partner than him, but at the same time? Naw. Just naw. This is a notable RAW moment at best. Especially if them splitting doesn’t immediately signal the start of a feud. So what’s the fucking point? Do we need another month of will they/wont they/who gives a fuck if they do? The match was decent enough. Rybaxel are comfortable the second most cohesive tag team on the roster right now, and strung together some nice double team stuff, plus where THE BIG GUY goes, this guy follows. I jest of course, but I am a registered Big Guy enthusiast now, so it was nice to see him catch Cody mid Disaster Kick, and hit Shell Shock for the win. A wee bit of advice for ye Codester, stop telling the intended recipient that you’re lining up the Disatser Kick mate. It tends to me them either move oot the road, or reverse it tae fuck. But aye. The Rhodezies are no more. Probably. Please start a feud guys. Please. Feud or fade into obscurity. Thats yer two options troops.
I said that Big E would probably get about 10 offensive moves in, before Rusev eventually squashed him anyway, and that prediction proved to be depressingly accurate. If Rusevs burd didn’t have incredible legs, and a seemingly unquenchable blood-thirst (look intae her eyes and tell me she doesn’t harbour a deep seeded desire to make EVERYONE bleed) no one would care. He’s a decent mover for a big man, but he’s a generic barrel chested rugby player looking cunt with about as much charisma as a Lance Storm promo, so fuck this tae fuck. Fuck the weirdly possessed looking flag waving they were both doing as well. What the fuck is the matter with yees? Did you both get rabies immediately before coming through the curtain? Stop waving flags like you’re upset with them. Hate this whole angle aswell. Unless you’re of Russian or American descent (which neither of these cunts are btw) you’s struggle to muster up enough energy to get to the point where you could consider giving a fuck. Even just as an option. Big E did hit that Spear off the apron, which was pretty nifty, but he tapped out to The Accolade, because we’re pushing the boring Eastern European guy with the strong jaw, and this time we wont make a Kozlov of it. Promise. 🙂
Really though, this is a Smackdown taping innit? Out comes Kofi Kingston and Bo Dallas for a wee ipromptu match. ITS BO TIME MAGGLE! ONLY REASON I EVEN WORK AT THIS STOOPID COMPANY IS FOR BO TIME MAGGLE! YOU…GOTTA..BO…LEEEEEEVE MAGGLE. WOOOOO. LOOK AT THIS DOUGH HIPPED BOY GO. MAGGLE ARE YOU SEEING THIS MAGGLE? Aye so, the match didn’t happen, cause Kane beating the living shite out of Kofi instead is somehow relevant to something. Bo fled the ring before Kane got there, cause he BO-lieves in having his arse in one piece. Has some inspiring words for Kofi as the paramedics look to re-attach his jaw though, so that was nice. Insp-BO-rational.
JBL is cracking me up lately man. If he’s no doing the same for you, you’re either dead inside or I’m smoking some potent shit, but aye. Every show, anytime Bo Dallas or Bad News Barrett comes out, JBLs patter is slaying me. After Bad News Barrett announces that he’s got some BAAAAAD NEWS, before his match with RVD, JBL gets excited as fuck. “I KNEW IT MAGGLE! THIS ENGLISH GUY CRACKS ME UP MAGGLE, HE ALWAYS GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR SOMEBODY MAGGLE! I HOPE ONE DAY HE SHOWS UP AT YOUR DOOR MAGGLE….TALKIN BOUT ‘Hey Maggle…I’m afraid I’ve got some BAAAD NEWWWS…You’re home will be re-possessed in 3 days due to mounting gambling debts, and you’ll be forced to humbly sell your pool table and move back in with your mother’ I WOULD LAUGH ALL DAY IF THAT SCENARIO UNFOLDED MAGGLE! YOU’D BE ONE HUMILIATED MAGGLE!” Also, Barrett and RVD had an Intercontinental Title match, and as pointless as it was (well RVD was never winning it was he? Barrett is obviously being pushed fae here tae the fuckin moon, and rightly so) it was a cracker of a match. Barrett went for the Bullhammer outside the ring, but RVD dodged it and the big man straight up Bullhammered a ringpost, shattering his forearm into a thousand tiny pieces. Barrett undoubtedly has my favourite two move finishing combination in WWE today btw, cause that Winds of Change thing he does gives me a visible semi. He busted that out earlier in the match as well, but the Bullhammer got the job done after RVD missed the frog splash and that was that. RVDs slack jaw perhaps permanently dislodged, we press on with other wrestling based stuff, and possibly things.
Bleugh. I’m all about focussing on the positives and making light of negative shit in wrestling, but aside from Steph looking FETCHING in that tight wee Turqoise dress she was sporting, none of this was good. Daniel Bryan can either give up the belts or his wife gets fired, but instead of either of those things happening…SHE QUITS! Now I know you’re thinking right away “Awww yeah! Nae mare Brie Smella” but her quitting was not a good thing. Her quitting meant she got mic time, and that meant whatever remained of my soul fuckin died. Brie Bella pickled my soul, slices it in hauf, put it on some Rye Bread, and munched it feverishly. Why you gotta be snackin on ma soul Brie Smella? I liked it being a part of me. She quits. She slaps Steph really hard. DBry goes home with shiny belts. Cause sometimes even the most harrowing tales have happy endings
Still not sure how I feel about the latest installment of the Bray Wyatt and John Cena saga in a Last Man Standing Match, although it was undoubtedly their best match and at times breathtaking storytelling wise, but as always I question the use of hauners (for anyone who keeps seeing this word in my reviews and has no idea what it is, it means backup btw…or help…or it might be used as a well disguised reference tae a handjob every once in a while, but mainly the first thing) from both men once again, as Bray’s usual bearded reinforcements are counteracted by Cena’s abhorrent use of the tag team champions as bodyguards. Two PPVs in a row now that the Tag Belts haven’t been defended, and there was a straight up tag match on this card, but the Tag Champs were not fuckin involved. Was that an unecessary expletive? Aye it mighta been mate, but ye know what else? The Usos are ma boays. My mainest men. I’d say the only moment of pure unfiltered joy wrestling has given me this year was The Usos finally capturing the tag belts, and since they’ve had them, next to fuck all has happened bar Jimmy (or Jey) getting married to Naomi. (Fair play like, Naomi is undoubtedly a big ride of a lassie, but still) Lets dae some things involving the defence or at least presence of the tag belts eh. Anyway, the match was a finely crafted tale, with Bray pretty much laying Cena spark out within the first few minutes. This was the part about it I liked. How handily Bray was able to decimate Cena early on. Nae outside help, nae calling upon possessed choirboys or timely powercuts. Bray was dominant early on utilisation a combination of brutal offence, and seductive but heavy scary lip licking. Cena rallies and goes for AA but Bray fuckin only went and hit SISTER ABIGAIL OUTTA NOWHERE for a count of 7. After hoisting himself to his feet with no more than intestinal fortitude, an unerring will to win, and the two caffeine tablets Jimmy Uso shoved up his arse, Cena makes it to his feet and hits an AA on shaky legs. Brays having none of that patter though. Not a fuckin word of it. Makes it back to his feet via a fuckin CRABWALK no less, to oversee some sheer carnage as yer Usos and Wyatts get involved. Everyone bar Harper and Cena clear the ring, but instead of hittin a michinoku driver, or stickin his tongue in Cenas ear or something, Harper decides to hit a suicide dive that landed mainly on big Rowans glaikit jaw. Now I know ye love yer Suicide Dives Lukey baby, but for christ sake mate, focus on the job at hand and stop decapitating yer brother!
Wyatt tees off on Cena with a chair. Total dominance. Cena gets a table out, goes for the AA through it…Bray reverses it into that Suplex throw he does. Physically and mentally Bray was on top. Physically and mentally Bray had this in the bag. So of course…he lost.
This is where I struggle. I loved the match. I felt like for the first time since Mania, Cena gave absolutely everything to this. His very best, so you have to wonder why that is. Because he knew he was going over, he gave it that wee bit extra? Cause he knew he’s get his wee moment of glory, he allowed himself to make Bray look good? Cena hits the AA on the floor. Bray’s out for the count and then it took a predictable turn. Harper and Rowan dive in to knock Cena to the ground, before jumping out help Bray to his feet. A match perfectly poised to build Bray up to superhuman levels, turns into the same old shite. Bray needs his buddies. The Usos are once again called into hauner duties. Some mad Uso dives ensue, USOS IN STEREO MAGGLE and all of a sudden it got a bit mental. Jimmy or Jey sends Rowan through a table with a flying arse hit, before the other Uso gets superplexed off the top rope through a table by oor Harper. What a fuckin boy Luke Harper is. Easily one of my favourite wrestlers to watch in the world right now. Cena finds himself propped up at the timekeepers bit, and I swear Bray went straight through him..and the barrier, and the fuckin core of the earth, with a thunderous splash. Bray’s well on top eh. Dominant. He needs no hauners at this stage. It’s all on you. Mike Rotundas baby boy has GOT THIS. Until suddenly..he didn’t have it.
AA through a big box thing at the big next tae the stage. I think they keep Adam Roses entourage in it when he’s no using them. “I HOPE THEY KEEP THAT EVIL BUNNY IN THERE MAGGLE!? THAT BUNNY ATE MY FATHER MAGGLE! I SWEAR IT.” Aye sorry, the JBL thing’s gonnae stop. No during this review like, but it will stop. I swear it Maggle. Anyway, Cena pushes another one of they big boxes on top of the one Bray got put through meaning even if he did somehow manage to stand up, the ref couldn’t see it. Making this a fuckin FIX mate. A beautiful match, with a fucking shanner of an ending. Hated it so I did. Unless there is one more match in this feud, there really isnae any excuse for how heavily Cena has gone over in a feud that should have been used to immortalise his opponent.
Ah but there’s Paige and the incredibly feisty root cause of most of my stauners these days Alicia Foxx. Fuck knows what it is about screamin, properly unhinged lassies, but they make my underparts tingle. The match was decent. Alicia chucks Paige about ringside like an empty shellsuit. Dominated the majority of it really, then tapped Alicia out with the modified Scorpion Crosslock. Fuck knows why they’re doing this with Paige. Seemingly every match she gets her pretty wee coupon stomped in, then she busts out a finisher and gets the win. Took some heavy bumps outside the ring in this one right enough. I liked the match, but Alicia seemingly going from an arse booting moody heel, tae a greetin faced mess isn’t a transition I’m fond of.
All that was left for us tae get our collective gums roon was The Shield taking on Evolution. Immediate reflections are as follows….WHIT THE FUCK YE DAEIN BATISTA? Not only was the cunt wearing all blue gear, when his pals are wearing wee black pants, but he was wearing popsocks on his legs AND arms. I didn’t even know arm popsocks were a thing, but apparently Batista’s making them a thing. If you’re no feelin it? He’s got 3 words for ya Jack…”Deal with it”
The match was a thing of sheer joy. Dean Ambrose makes me excited to be a wrestling fan. I mean all three Shield members do in their own way, but Ambrose has that thing. That thing that only a select few have ever had, but when you’re in its presence you can feel it. Its something palpable. He’s a brooding, sometimes whispering, sometimes shouting, always fuckin captivating, genius of a man and the more I see, the more I like. Evolution manage to take Ambrose and Rollins out and that leaves big Reignsy isolated. He takes another Triple Powerbomb through the table, repeating the feat from the past Monday’s RAW, but Rollins and oor Deano weren’t out of commission for long. Ambrose comes running across the announce tables to take Evolution out, before they stumble right into Seth Rollins landing strip as he goes for a wee dive. Diving daft so he is. He was steel eatin daft not long after that though, as Evolution get him and Ambrose isolated, and Seth took a Pedigree on the chair. That left the Beak, Bluetista, and Randy Nae-eyes with a 3 on 1 advantage on Reignsy and well…..Reignsy got his shit well and truly ruined. I’m sure this was steeped in symbolism of some kind, I don’t fucking know mate, I’m no a poet, but aye. They bent him over some steel steps and took turns each to absolutely fuckin obliterate the big cunt with Kendo Sticks. I mean they were putting some welly behind these shots ma man. Reignsy uses the steel steps as a catapult to knock orton out with a Superman Punch outta nowhere, but that wee bit of respite is short-lived, and Evolution continue wailing on our Reignsy as they ease him up the aisle with some horrendous chairshots, but there’s ma man Ambrose again! Look at ye. Ya beautiful deranged bastard, flinging rights and lefts with reckless abandon before the numbers game caught up and he takes the Orton DDT on the cold hard carpet….surely its just a case of Evolution dragging these cunts back into the ring and the game’s a bogey right? WRONG
SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPER SETH! To the rescue!
Seth Rollins appears haufway up the Titantron and dives on errybody! Ring a ring a ring a roses Maggle! They all fall down! This was The Shield’s time.
Big Dave is the first to fall. Big bastardin spear for yer troubles. He was probably glad of the relief tbh. Chance to kick back in his dressing remove, remove the popsocks and nipple tape, and have a nice long bath in his own pish. Orton is the next to crash and burn, taking Ambroses finisher on a steel chair and that was all for him. I need to pass comment on this, cause I had no idea it had a name before this show, and the fact that its called Dirty Deeds gives me infinite stauners. That leaves it Triple H vs The Shield. Exactly how I thought it would pan out, and undoubtedly the best way for it to finish. Orton passes The Beak his favourite toy, and he levels Ambrose with the Sledgehammer, before Rollins comes outta nowhere and knocks the hammer out his hand with a mad flying ninja kick, before our Reingsy comes spears The Beaks kidneys oot. Game over. Justice served.
A match that will undoubtedly make the careers of The Shield. If they weren’t already set for life, such a convincing and brutal win over three established guys like Evolution will do it. I say maybe another 4 or 5 months of them being united as Shieldsies, then they go their seperate ways amicably. Have a nice wee party to commemorate the occasion.
Life makes a habit of crushing these dreams, but listen. If you’re like me, and you chose to live in a wee fantasy world, denying all the bad things and probably making far too much of the good ones, you’ll get through the aftermath of this just fine. We’ll get through it together. Nothing even happened at the end of RAW. Dean Ambrose pulled a funny face cause his pal fell down, and that was all she wrote. End credits. Scene.
Solid PPV I thought, with the Cena vs Wyatt and Shield vs Evolution matches being easily two of the best of the year, but a lot of the midcard felt a bit pointless. Nae Ziggler either. Has he even had a singles match on a PPV this year? Fucking travesty the burial that man;s been subjected too. All for being a cavalcade of wrestling goodness. Creatures like Ziggler should be celebrated, not smited. Fuck Triple H.