Its Raw time bitches. It’s no really because I’m writing this review a few days after. Let’s pretend. Pretending is fun. See, this paticular Raw had me baffled, I didn’t understand because 1. it was the most mediocre Raw of the year and 2. It was the most thrilling tragically beautiful Raw of the year. How can a show be both these things? I don’t know how, but it happened. Vince must have been like ‘right boays, let’s make everyhin shit, cept the last few minutes, we’ll make that gid’. That’s truly what I believe happened. I won’t give the surprise away in case you’re the only person in the whole world who never saw what happened.
Beak, Nae eyes and dunderheed aka Evolution are out to cut a promo. Trips says the shieldsies think they won, but Evolution will continue to fight until they ceast to exist. Batista’s no chuffed though, he’s wanting to know when he’ll get his title shot that Trips promised him, says he’s sick of the Shieldsies. Trips reminds him that he is the leader, but Batista doesn’t care, he wants his title shot tonight. Trips tells him wee Dbrys injured. He says Batista won’t want to be remembered as a guy who can’t end a fight and once they take the shieldsies down, he can have whatever he wants but until then no one is getting anything. Batista quits, does a wee wave and walks out. Trips is raging, tells him to run back to Hollywood but not to return when he flops.
So aye. Batista quit. I didn’t like it. I didn’t believe in anything that was said. Although we all knew Batista would be leaving, there was no build up to it, his frustrations just came out the blue. If getting this title shot meant so much to him then why did he only just mention it, I dunno, I just wasn’t feeling it. Byetista.
Sheamus & Rob Van Dam vs Cesaro & Bad News Barrett
Sheamus gets straight to it and heads up top, hits a Battering Ram on Cesaro, The King responds by hitting a lovely gutwrench slam, Sheamus comes back with a tackle, RVD gets in on the mix, a few strikes here, a few strikes there followed by him charging to the corner, but Wade connects with a mighty clothesline. A wee break. Cesaro applies a headlock to RVD, he manages to break it, but Wade makes the tag and delivers an elbow, sending RVD to the floor. Cesaro whips RVD headfirst into the barricade, RVD manages to deliver a kick and make the tag to Sheamus. Sheamus and Wade are in. Sheamus connects with a few kneelifts, and hits a powerslam. He motions for the Brogue kick, he stalks Cesaro, but Heyman(who was on commentary) grabs Cesaro out of the ring. Wade hits the Winds of Change on Sheamus, as Heyman and Cesaro leave. This makes Wade a very unhappy man. He calls for Wasteland, but Sheamus breaks free hits the Brogue kick, RVD’s in, Five Star Frog Splash, Boab’s yer uncle, Fandan’s yer aunt. 1,2,3.
A decent opening match but not a nothing to get excited about unfortunately. So does this mean Cesaro and Wade will have a feud? Or maybe a four corners match?…Where both titles are on the line?…Nah? Is that idea to sensible and smart for WWE? Aye. You’re right, it is. One can get excited about ideas that will never happen. Let me have this.
Damien Sandow’s out next. He’s wearing a pacers tap pretending to be Lance Stephenson. Mocks the team for losing in the playoffs, gets himself some boo’s. Fuck sake, why am I even bothering. Big Shite comes out for some reason and knocks him out. End. This is fucking sad. If WWE manage to make this new Sandow gimmick work I will eat my hands. I should really stop promising to eat my hands if certain things happen. I said I’d eat my hands if Stinger ever went to WWE and now that’s looking very likely. So when or if this Sandow gimmick works I might not have any hands left to eat. But aye, I don’t even know what the gimmick is, come out as someone who represents the country you are in some way then say negative things? I dunno. Is that even what it is? Cheap heat and a waste of bloody time. Aff ma telly.
Kofi Kingston vs Bo Dallas
Bo, Bo Dog, 1,2,3.
Thou shall not Bolieve.
Steph makes her way out. She says some heely words while sporting thee cutest wee summer dress, that girls got style. Her big shoulders are what I live for. She calls wee Dbry pathetic, claims he allowed his other half to take the fall for him. She says Dbry will defend his title against Kane at Money in the Bank and if he can’t compete then the ladder match at MITB will be for the title. Fucking Cena smells vacant title from a mile away and out he comes. Steph says his match against Bray the night before was incredible. Cena says he doesn’t think they have seen the last of Bray. Fucking DUUUH. He says words, words he has said many times before. He tells Steph that Dbry is really good and proves he is champ material every time he steps in the ring. They both say other things, I was to busy smacking me heed aff the wall and repeatedly saying ‘back aff cena, back aff’. Fucking nae doubt Cena would get his neb in this. And why? At this point in my life my feelings for Cena cease to exist, I neither like or dislike him, I just feel numb. She books him in a match with Kane, and it’s next. Yaaaay this shit is what I want to see, by want to I mean don’t want to. She says ‘paybacks a bitch but so am I’. Cuteeeee patter.
John Cena vs Kane
Kane hits Cena a few times then slams him to the mat. Cena connects with a dropkick and then a sitout side slam. Hits a Five Knuckle shuffle then attempts an AA but Kane manages to block it and elbow him in the face. He begins repeatedly kneeing Cena. Ref calls for the bell. Kane hits Cena on the floor, he goes for a Tombstone on the steel steps. Cena breaks free throws the steps in Kane’s coopin. He leaves. Kane’s raging, he throws stuff then leaves and that’s that. That means Cena wins by DQ btw,
Short, weak and rather boring. I really really want Kane to get the suit back on, he honestly scared me more as corporate Kane. I think he played the role excellently. I’ve saw Cena beat Kane a handful of times. And this really does nothing to build Kane up, the guy who’ll be facing the champ at Money in the Bank. So aye, this can bolt.
Los Matadores (with El Torito) vs Drew McIntyre & Heath Slater (with Jinder Mahal & Hornswoggle)
WE’RE A THREE MAN BAAAND. Love them. Love them ever so much. I kinda always have, as sad as it is they are really good jobbers, the best jobbers around. So aye, 3MB, they let us know Hornswoggle used a lot of Miracle grow to keep his hair(he lost a match with el torito at payback, thus got his dome clippered). He’s wearing an afro wig, tehehe this shit is hilarious…NAHT. The Matashites have a wee giggle. Slater starts this, he hits Diego a few times, knocks him down, Hornswoggle and Heath play air guitar together on the apron, for some reason, rock n roll or suhin. Torito runs over and pulls Hornswoggle’s wig off. Torito’s such a wee shite, what an awful little bull man. Hornswoggle runs away. Diego uses this distraction to roll Slater up, and wins this one.
SIGHHHHH. What a load of shite. I’ve mentioned before how I wasn’t entirely sure about this feud, I said 3MB were making the best of it, but this shits dragged on, I literally have no idea why this is still happening. Even the wanes are spewing at this, it’s not funny anymore, it never really was. 2 out of 3 of 3MB are excellent(no offence Jinder but yer shite san). So it makes me just a wee bit angry why Drew and Heath are involved in such nonsense. Also I have no idea why Hornswoggles greeting, he well needed a haircut, the emo fringe he was sporting just screamed that he’s got fanny fright.
Nikki Bella vs Alicia Fox & Aksana
Not got a clue why this was a handicap match. It also confused me why the champ Paige wasn’t on Raw. It makes me think WWE are already bored of her as champ, it also confused me as to why she was beat in home turf. I assume she’s dropping the belt to Alicia, although my assumptions are usually wrong. But I really wouldn’t mind. I do love oor Paige but personally I find her quite boring as champ. Sorry, don’t hit me. Oh aye, a match happened btw. Alicia throws Nikki into the corner, Nikki responds with an elbow but Akasana gets her wih a cheap shot. Nikki knocks her on the apron Other things happened. Nikki rolls Alicia up, she kicks out, Alicia connects with a scissors kick and wins this one. Aksana continues to beat Nikki up she hits a backbreaker to Nikki on the floor then whips her head first into the barricade. Wee cheeky.
Aye so, why was that a handicap match? Wasn’t impressed didn’t pay that much attention, I had to look it up to remember this match, so it must have been quite shite. Maybe it wasn’t. Who knows. Aksana’s a ride, but she’s just not that good at wrestling. I’d have preferred Alicia to have won this alone. I genuinely LOVE her crazy character just now. She falls about the place, laughs about it, steals hats, pours juice aw er the gaff, makes you believe that she loves you then rips your heart straight out and munches on it before you die. Nae messing.
Jack Swagger (with Zeb Colter) vs Adam Rose
Rose gives Swagger’s erse a wee slap then connects with an elbow off the ropes. Delivers a few braw European uppercuts but Swagger kicks him right in the coopin. He slams Rose into the turnbuckles, follows this up with a belly to belly suplex. Rose comes back and hits Swagger with a few jabs then connects with an atomic drop. He hits a belly to belly suplex, a Bronco Buster followed by the Party Foul and he wins this one.
Hmmm. I’m still neither a lemon or a rosebud, but I must admit Rose is winning me over, but only a tiny tiny wee bit so shut up. He is by no means a favourite, he might be one day, but today is not that day. He wrestled good. The best we’ve seen of him since his debut. Character alone won’t get him over, so he needs to concentrate on giving us matches just like this one. I absolutely love the Party Foul, it’s a cracking move. It’s a wee shame that Swagger is back to being a jobber. He really won me over with Cesaro by his side. WEED THE PEOPLE 4 LIFE!
Luke Harper & Erick Rowan vs The Usos
Jimmy(I think) hits Harper with a crossbody and possibly Jey connects with a few mounted punches. He hits Harper with an uppercut then whips him. Harper manages to reverse it and hit a crossbody. Rowan’s arrived at the paerty, he delivers a few knees to Jey’s ribs. He falls on Jey due to a missed scoop slam, and gets a near fall. Harper connects with a few elbow chops. Rowan tries to slam jey but he gets kicked, and Jimmy’s tagged in. Dropkick to Rowan’s coopin. Rowan goes for a backdrop but Jimmy blocks it, and dropkicks him out the floor. Other stuff. I canny be fucked. I always try my hardest to include every move that happened in a match, but fuck sake, Raws been and gone, there’s nae need is there? Aye so Jimmy hit a nice moonsault at one point. Nice spinning enziguri from Jey. Other wrestling moves happened, they aren’t that important, a move that is important, apparently, is a side walk slam because Rowan connects with said move on Jey and wins this.
The match was ok, bit bored of it but mainly because nearly everything else that had occurred on he show had gave me a floppy, the floppiest of floppy’s. I know this match was good, but at the time, I just wasn’t into it. It felt like I had saw this match every night for ten years straight, I’d seen it, I knew what move was coming. Too coordinated. I don’t especially like a match that looks like it’s been practised a billion times, saying that the boises are probably used to facing each other, since it happens every fucking week.
Money In The Bank Qualifying Match
Alberto Del Rio vs Dolph Ziggler
I usually always enjoy these two in the ring, they have great chemistry. I was very, very excited about this match. My mind was going crazy. I claimed Ziggler was winning this, full stop, NAE questions asked. Cried 2014 the year of Ziggler. Claimed he’d win this, go on the win the MITB match and then cash in to become the champ. Fucking imagine it. A wee tear rolled down my cheek at the thought. But unfortunately this match did not live up to my expectations. Dolph takes ADR down, connects with a few elbow drops, ADR jumps down on Dolph’s wee arm, follows with a step up enziguiri, which was quite lovely. ADR delivers a few punches then slams him on the mat. He chokes him on the ropes for abit and follows this with a back suplex. He applies an armbar, but thankfully Dolph breaks it, he kicks Alberto’s knees, then connects with the Famouser, this only gets him a two count. ADR hits a tilt a whirl backbreaker, then knees Dolph a couple of times. He heads up top but Dolph manages to leap up, he hits a super duper facebuster and gets a two count. Ziggler goes for the Zig Zag but ADR counters it and lock in the cross armbreaker. Ziggler taps out.
FUCK OFF. I have nothing against ADR but PUSH ZIGGLER. I am sick and tired of saying it. Do not hit me with he doesn’t deserve it patter because yes he fucking does. Some people canny control themselves from being honest. Yes the comments he’s made in interviews etc were massively unprofessional, but it’s in the past now, surely he’s been punished enough. They aren’t even giving him a chance to work his way back up. I was 100% certain he’d win this. Convinced we’d see another beautiful cash in from him one day. I didn’t even consider that he’d lose this. But he did. And it’s unfair. I went push ziggler daft. Phoned my granny shouted down the phone PUSH ZIGGLER, forced her to say it to my granda. PUSH ZIGGLER. It’s really no that hard. He made a mistake, making mistakes is what life is all about, you can’t be punished forever. Aye. So I’m ranting a wee bit eh? Sorry. I get right emotional about this. (PUSH ZIGGLER).
Rybaxel vs Goldust & Sin Cara
(Cody Picked Goldust’s Partner)
Aye, so, wit is this? Why did Cody pick Sin Cara? Where is this storyline going, I’m confused. Goldust hits an atomic drop but Axel armdrags him and gives him a wee kick. Ryback’s tagged in he knocks Goldust on the mat. Sin Cara tags in and he connects with a dropkick and gets a two count. Other moves happened. But it was the hangman’s facebuster delivered to Sin Cara from Axel that gets the job done for his team.
Aye, so I got bored writing about this, does that make me a bad person? It’s cool that Rybaxel got another win to build up their profile though. I like them as a team but individually? Nah, not so much. They’re really dragging this Cody heel turn out eh? Maybe what he’s doing just now is the heel turn, who fucking knows. Prick tease so it is, dragging things out ruins things. Mind that.
Lana’s oot. Geeza swatch ae yer fandan hen. Nah I’m joking, I don’t want a swatch just now, but in secret or even photies, you’ve got my digits, I’ve sent you them via social networking sites several times, so you know what to do. Please don’t phone the polis please just send me naked photies. There’s hunners floating about the net, but they aren’t good enough, I want more, I need more. But aye. She comes out to say Russians honour heroes. That they will have a ceremony for Rusev. He comes out waving a flag. Stands on a platform in the ring. Lana demands the fans show Rusev some respect. I love it when she demands stuff. She introduced some Russian official or suhin, he represents Rusev with a gold star award, like yi got at primary school for being a gid cunt. He cuts a promo in Russian, my Russian might be rusty here but I’m pretty sure his words translate to Lana’s got a cracking fanny and I’m gonnae eat some nacho’s aff it later. Which is art. Who wouldn’t love to scran nachos aff her gash. The Russian national anthem plays and Lana tells everyone to stand up.
Why was there no interference, where was Big E? Bet he was trying to suck his left tit, his left tit is much cuter than the right tit. If you had his tits then other tits wouldn’t matter. Lana’s braw and I enjoyed looking at her but now I am bored, it’s only going to be so long before her tits, erse and legs aren’t enough. Rusev’s no bad just boring as fuck. The Putin shit isn’t nice either, once was enough, carrying it on isn’t cool. Aye so this was shite, I thought this was the end of Raw and I swear my nose started to bleed with pure anger. I realised my panic was foolish because I remembered Nae eyes v Reigns was still to happen.
Randy Orton vs Roman Reigns
Someone hold my fucking hand!!? I canny do this. This is to emotionally distressing. I want to curl up in a wee ball and die Truly, that’s what I want. See the trick was to make majority of the show depressingly shite, so that crowd were deflated and everyone at home watching were deflated. That’s the beauty of it, none of us saw it coming, we all just wanted our bed, to sob uncontrollably about how average Raw was. If you dare say you saw it coming then you are a liar and I don’t ever want to be your pal, I don’t like liars. Don’t be a wee tube. This was a work of art.
Ambrose says they look pretty good for the fight they got into last night, yer right there ma man, pretty marvellous. He said Shieldsies prevailed and everyone witnessed the implosion of Evolution tonight. Rollins has a wee shot of talking, he has improved ever so much at it. He says they were victorious because they beat a group of individuals or suhin, canny quite mind, sorry. Reigns has a shot of the mic, he says they are a group and they were the ones to adapt, wise words there big yin. He says Evolution are done, and that Orton should come out and get punched by a symbol of excellence. Digged his words there, don’t normally dig his words, but this, I very much did dig. Beak and Nae eyes make their way out, they stay at the ringside area. Trips says there is always a plan b, that he doesn’t lose the war. He’s holding a sledgehammer to. I was raging, time was running out. Trips has a smirk on his face, a genuine heel smirk. I literally had no idea what would happen. I just assumed Batista was joking earlier and he’d sneak in the ring and do some shitey spears. WRONG, SO WRONG. Orton and Trips look as though they’re about to get in the ring, Reigns and Ambrose step forward. Rollins doesn’t. I thought that was strange. Move forward with yer besties Rollins. He has a chair in hand. And then, he…he hits Reigns with the chair. HE HITS REIGNS WITH THE CHAIR. A brutal hit, it looked agony. Ambrose face was priceless, I believed it. He seemed legitimately shocked and betrayed. Rollins goes on the attack, he hits Ambrose over and over, so viciously then curb stomps him onto the chair. It was sickening. He hits Reigns some more, and you can already see the bruising. Painful. Sare. He hands Orton a chair and he RKO’s Reigns onto said chair.
Tears poured from my eyes, my heart was beating so fast, I felt as though a cold liquid had been poured into my body, my brain hurt, my eyes hurt, this was surreal. I did not see it coming, it shocked me, it broke me. It was beautiful but it was bad, I have no idea how that can be the case. But it is. It does confuse me slightly why Rollins would join a stable that are weaker in comparison with the Shieldsies. Was he the chosen one all along, will he get a title shot? I literally have no idea what will happen, but I am looking forward to it. Change frightens me though. I don’t think really agree with the Shieldsies splitting up, not just yet. Things hadn’t even nearly began to get stale, they made everything exciting. But now that’s all done. Its’s the end of something beautiful and it hurts. Trips split the band up. Trips is Yoko.
I don’t know what to say. The shieldsies are no longer besties and it’s making me ache all over. It really is the end of something beautiful. I know in the future that the Shield will exist again. I’m hopeful anyways. But seriously the Shield were/are one of the best stables in pro wrestling, ever. I really will miss them being together. They were the bestest boises. This is not the end.