So it’s been a year since I started this wee blog, and in that time I’ve seen, heard, smellt, fellt and generally experienced some unimaginable shit. For a cunt that was borderline suicidal (I’m sorry if thats too much personal info like, the sentence has a happy ending but, stick wae it…trust yer auld pal) its led tae a remarkable turnaround in my personal fortunes and for that I’ll always be thankful. Basically, wrestling saved my life, or at least made it worth living. So for aw the ups and downs I’ve been through personally since I started this, nothing will ever rival how pish things were before.
Along with giving me back my childhood passion and appreciation for wrestling, it also gave me a routine based around doing something I love, and that came fae reviewing RAW. Every single week since I started, there’s been a RAW Review of some description up before the next episode airs. Most of them yer usual 4000-5000 word novel wae a rundown of the show and various tangents about erections, and wantin Tamina tae heider me repeatedly tae she draws blood, with a couple of shorter ones over Christmas. In all but 3 of those weeks, I’ve wrote the review (cheers to Connie and Davie for covering the other times, love yees troops x) so thats a power of words about RAW. Something I’m quite proud of, but the main thing I’m proud of is that folk take time out of their busy lives to read this shit. So personal shite out the road, I’d like tae welcome ye along to the 1 year anniversary SPESHUL EDISHIONNN Raw Review. What makes it special? Fuck knows. I have some ideas, but whether they pan out or not is entirely up tae me being on my game patter wise, and the gods. Always uptae the fuckin gods innit? fickle bastards at the best of time’s so we’ll see mate. We’ll fuckin see.
So on to an actual review of the wrestling show eh? Aka…the thing ye signed up for when ye opened this link. I’d love tae say I’m sorry for boring ye wae my personal pish, but I’m really no. This is like free therapy, cept if I want a lolly afterwards I need tae go intae the top drawer and get it myself. That’s what happens after therapy eh? Ye get a lolly and told you’re a good lad. Or is that after a prostate exam? Fuck knows. Wrestling.
Trips and Steph broke my heart
Unbreak my heart.
I cannae. I don’t believe it. Naw. My heart.
Daniel Bryan is my man. Daniel Bryan is legitimately one of my all time wrestling heros. No cause he’s got a funny wee catchphrase or a big beard, but because of everything. Everything he is, I admire. A dedication to his craft that has led to him becoming one of the finest wrestlers on the planet right now. A dedication to improvement in his promos that has led tae some captivating work on that front anaw. A dedication to the simple yet noble art of being a good cunt, which leads him tae being a good cunt in pretty much all his endeavours, and ye know whit else? Perseverance. Perseverance in the face of him having a bit of a weak run with the World Heavyweight Title, which ended with a 5 second squash at Wrestlemania. Perseverance in the face of him being stuck in a daft comedy tag team wae Kane for months, which both of them made in to one of the best storylines in the company. Perseverance when he was handed countless roadblocks in his bid to take his rightful place at the top of the WWE mountain. Perseverance in the face of a concussion which almost led tae him missing the Royal Rumble. Per-se-fuckin-verance, which eventually led tae victory over Triple H at Wrestlemania 30, and a shot at the WWE World Heavyweight Title later that night, and we aw know what happened next. We aw felt that moment when he hoisted those two belts above his glorious furry wee coupon. He triumphed over adversity. The dedication and perseverance that led to everything, now leaves him with fuck all, because due to a legit neck injury, Daniel Bryan is no longer the main man. Stripped of his belts by the beak and the boot. Daniel Bryan is back on the outside looking in, after a reign which was riddled wae shite booking and attempts tae make him look weak at every turn.
There’s patter about them being right all along, B+ players cant recover as quick as A players. C- players must just die on the spot when they get injuries eh? Either way, fuck you, fuck yer beak, and fuck the ability that beak gives ye tae smoke cigars in the shower. (as illustrated below, although you’d probably have gathered that when ye lookin below, but here…I’m tellin ye anyway)
So Daniels had his shiny belts took aff him, and they’ll be up for grabs in the MITB match, meaning it isnae a MITB match ataw. Its just a ladder match for a vacant title. Change yer PPV tae “Ladder Match For The Vacant Title” please, or I’m on tae offcom about yer false advertising, ya gargantuan beaked prick ye.
Nah but, it was a properly vicious heel promo fae Trips and I hate how much I liked it. I’m sittin there wae a single solemn tear running doon my face as I gently stroked the mini Daniel Bryan I made oota plastercine and spare beard hairs, and all I can think is “fuck me, Trips is killin it here” Gies us patter about Seth Rollins ‘adapting’ anaw, and how folk were so quick to rub his nose (wid take aw fuckin day tae rub that beak in anything…. sorry thats the last of the beak patter…I swear..naw really…it is) in Bryan and The Shield triumphing over him and his nae eyed, shite bearded, skinny jean wearing, overly lubricated cronies when they forgot about PLAN B. ADAPT or PERISH. Supposedly we were gonnae see The Shield perish tonight, as what remains of them were scheduled tae take on The Wyatts in a 6 man tag. Dawsons Beak questions The Shields ability tae find a partner considering the fact that they’ve made their living in the company through cashin cheques, and snappin the necks of their peers, and then it occurred tae every cunt. Simultaneously it would seem.
Its gonnae be Cena.
Know why? Cause it’s always fuckin Cena. Aw the time. Cena. Stuff yer idealistic notions of Dolph Ziggler riding in on a unicorn and saving the day mate. Stuff them in a sack, tie that sack up real tight and pan yer deluded heid in wae it. It’ll no be Drew Mcintyre either. Nor will it be any of yer wee favourites. None of them. Nane. Nae cunt. It’s fuckin Cena. It’s always Cena.
Oh well…wrestling I spose eh? On tae a tantalising wee qualifying match for the WWE World Heavyweight Title Ladder extravaganza! As gutted as I am for DBry, a 6 man ladder match wae the belts on the line gies me a stauner reminiscent tae a ski slope. In the sense that its long, and if ye slide of the way doon it ye’ll end up walkin funny the next day. Or eh…..I dunno. I’ve got a big dick. That’s the joke here. Didnae really work did it? Sheamus and Barrett but. That’ll work.
Sheamus vs Bad News Barrett
I’m trying tae make this as sunny and positive as possible but its no really working. I fuckin loved this match btw. Hunners and millions. A beautifully worked slice of gorgeous. Coupla big bruisers who know each other almost too well, straight up fuckin leathering each other. Crackin jaws and shaggin maws. What a pair. Fuck Sheamus but. I like ye in that ring, but when ye reel oot that 10 beats of the bawsacks spot within the first few minutes, yer testing my patience ya big shite. Why do I hate that spot so much. Is it cause Sheamus is mean tae oversized cans of Diet Coke wae hats on? Fuck knows.
A hard hitting belter of a match right enough. Barrett hits Winds of Change quite wonderuflly for a two count, before getting a near fall fae Wasteland anaw. Not a big fan of Wasteland, but there ye go. Sheamus avoids the Bullhammer, and hits Shite Noise in response for a two, before a brutal exchange on the apron sees Barrett stick the nut right on the belt stealing ghosty bastard, before ramming his shoulder intae the ringpost a few times. Fuckin Brogue outta nowhere but eh? Always the fuckin same. Fuck the Brogue outta nowhere, and fuck the fact that the WWE World Heavyweight Title match won’t have any BAAAAAAAD NEWS.
WE LOVE YE BARRETT…WE DO
WE LOVE YE BARRETT…WE DO
WE LOVE YE BARRETT…WE DO
CAUSE HE’S GOT BAD NEWS FOR YOU!
Love ye wade mate x
Bray says things
Majestic. Patter about controlling your urges. I will watch this promo every time I feel the notion tae start dry riding the tele anytime Lana, Steph, Nattie or Paige are on IT. It’s all about restraint. It’s all about dismantling The Shield the night. They used to claim this yard as their own. The big dawgs. NO LONGER. Bray and the boys will eviscerate whits left of the cunts. Where’s your justice now Mr Reigns? Mr Ambrose? Aw fuck btw. Ambrose. His promo. I cannae fuckin wait to see it again. Genuinely frothing for it. Is it soon? I hope its soon. Please tell me its soon.
Lana first. I’m tired of it. Are you no fuckin sick of it? Same patter every week. Putin. America’s shite. Putin is better than America. This week we had a hilarious wee video of Barack Obama daein some incredibly camp workout stuff whilst Lana cries him a sissy. I spose thats changing it up a bit, but then ye reel the barrel chested bare footed bawbag oot tae squash Zack Ryder again? Who gives a flying fuck man. The Big E match at Payback at least resembled something competitive, so why’s he back tae squashin irrelevances? Lana darlin, please just hurt me. Once. Thats aw I need. Then I can skip these bits entirely and hit up pornhub for a chug, but whilst my body remains unharmed at the hand of Lana, my obsession wae her and her tremendous leg, erse and coupon combination will remain strong. Just kick me in the mooth once eh. Please.
Rusev squashed Zack Ryder
Woo woo woo….you already knew it. x
ITS RYBAGGZLE TIME MAGGLE!
I realise this wee angle is mainly about the Goldust and Cody thing, but fuck that tae fuck. Honestly, its the longest two cunts have ever taken tae get intae a completely obvious feud. Get it oot ma face. Listen though, when its Rybaxel, things are awrite. Wherever the big guy goes, I will follow. I’m nae flip flopper though. I still think Ryback’s a pretty shite wrestler, that’ll probably never change, but there’s somethin endearing about the cunt and his rampant insanity. I used tae vehemently hate him, yet for some reason I used tae feature him quite often in drawings. I think he’s had possession of my brain for quite some time, I just didnae know it yet.
So the Big Guy, and his best bud were taking on Goldust and R-Truth. Cody’s selecting Goldys tag partners cause he thinks he’s shite and Goldy deserves better. Who gives a fuck man. Honestly. Either feud or don’t. Shite or get aff the pan. Some wrestling occurred, before Goldy and Truth jobbed. Obviously. Rybaxel are a well oiled machine mate. They get the job done, and don’t gie a fuck who’s baws they need tae stand on tae get it done. Afterwards I tweeted Ryback asking if we were gonnae hit up a Diner, and scream “RED MEAT PLEASE! BIG GUYS EAT RED MEAT! in the waiter’s face, tae he brings us aw the steaks, but he didnae get back tae me. Probably too busy out there crushin it and being the biggest guy he can be.
Layla gets (s)punk’d
So Layla makes the mistake of speaking ill about the good folks of Connecticut. Calling them uneducated sister shaggin hill-billies, and Summer Rae’s staunin out of shot lit that “Nut uhhhhhh……..not on my watch. Hold my gaun oot teeth for a minute Aksana hen, I’m gonnae dump a carton ah a milk on this wee tert” Then she dumped a carton of milk on the wee tert, cause she’s true to herself, her word and you. The audience.
Moment of silence please. For the last ever RAW appearance of 3MB.
Legends never die.
As we all shall see
When we bare witness to the rebirth
THEY’YE A 3 MAN BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND.
Or they were a three man band tae be more precise. Unfortunately that’s past tense now. It feels like fate that I decided tae write this review today, considering today is the day that so many dreams died. A sad time for so many. Especially those who have worked fuckin hard tae carve out a career from themselves in an environment that sometimes seems tae make it as hard as possible tae do so. There were 9 releases all in, and it breaks my heart tae say that one of them was Jinder Mahal. God bless ye Jinder ma man. Ye were as boring a wrestler and character as I’ve ever seen, but who cares? Ye were part of a band of brothers. A gang united in the name of art. The art of salesmanship, shiny troosers and putting people over. That’s what 3MB were made for BAYBAAAAAY. Without one, the others cannot stand, so I’m afraid tae say this appearance on RAW….where 3MB had a brawl wae the remainder of The Shield, would be their last appearance on WWE TV as a unit. They battled valliantly, but as is the case wae pretty much every significant segment they’ve been involved in as a team, they got their cunts kicked in, and Heath Slater took a belter of a bump (spear aff Reignsy up the ramp btw) tae polish it aff. If one falls, they all fall. Good night 3MB…wait…whit? Widdye mean Drews been? Are ye fuckin? WHIT?!?!
Drew’s away tae. The dream has fuckin died. The chosen one is no longer chosen. No longer even employed. I cannae deal wae this man. A fuckin week after Seth doing what he done, and now this? Ye hit me wae this? THEY WERE A 3 MAAAAN BAAAAND. How dare ye butcher them so mercilessly? Also, look at the fuckin shape both Drew and Jinder have got themselves intae. Unless they’ve failed a wellness test on the sly, and that’s the reason they’ve been papped oot the door, they’ve obviously worked their fuckin baws aff, and were primed and ready for a chance. Drew especially. Fuckin gie drew the stupid Adam Rose gimmick if ye want, bet he’d dae it 10x better than Leo Kruger (nae offence Leo mate, but I don’t care) Dae somethin wae the marvellous big cunt, don’t just cut him loose. For the love of god…WHY?
Now it makes sense though. As Heath darted up that ramp, and summoned his brothers tae join in him in gettin outta dodge. His brothers never came. All that came for Heath was a spear through the heart.
Keep them in your heart
Take me by the hand
As together we remember
THEY WERE A 3 MAN BAAAAAND
(The wee poems were partly inspired by my man Del Muir, he sent me a smashin wee RAW Review…funny, original shit. Like a Burns poem about the wrasslin. I’ve implored him to start a blog, but if he never does, I’ll get his wan tattooed on my back and go aboot topless tae show it off, along wae the guns of course)
Anyway. The Shield were out for a reason apart fae being 3MB murderers. That reason was Dean Ambrose. Because Dean Ambrose is the reason for everything. Past, present, future and any other fuckin thing in between. It happened because Dean Ambrose happened.
I still believe in The Shield…dae you?
Dean Ambrose is a bonafide genius. There’s nae two ways about it. The promo he cut was nothing short of pure unadulterated gold, and considering how much brilliance Bray Wyatt has let spill out of his heroic bearded gub, tae call this my favourite promo of the year is saying something, but it fuckin wis. Unquestionably sublime. He takes a moment tae steady himself, before unleashing a 2 minute barrage on his former ‘brother’ Seth Rollins, and he talks of The Shield having a cancer, before he masterfully describes how he’s gonnae re-arrange his glaikit coupon in great detail. His nose will rest where his ear once did, that ear is no longer there cause it was an innocent casualty in Dean ripping Seths straggly hair out fae the roots, and stuffing it in his traitorous gub. A gub furnished with only gums, because Dean has knocked every single one of Seths teeth the fuck OUT. He goes on tae explain how Seth is scum for what he done, and he’s never been more right about anything. You are scum. You turn on your brothers and run. And The Shield come undone. The words themselves were good, but the way Dean says them man. Goosebumps. Every fuckin time. This time in particular the words had weight. The words meant everything, then he handed the mic off to the big man. Reignsy. The high chief. Nae way yer topping that barrage Roman serrr, but lets hear what’s on yer mind anyway.
Reignsys stuff was good. Good but irrelevant ye know? Rousing, but it faded intae insignificance after the masterclass fae Ambrose. Ortons gonnae get a doing. So’s Trips. Seth’s only part of the problem. He shouldnae have turned his back on his brothers, nor should he have pished on Supermans cape. He’ll pay…they’ll ALLLLL pay.
Ambrose though. Ambrose aw day. If Dean Ambrose disnae captivate you, you’re doing existence wrong. Sort that oot.
I’ll never forget the joy I felt when The Usos took the tag belts. It was a childlike joy, and even more pleasing cause it kinda took me by surprise. I’d always been a fan, but somewhere deep in my subconcious I’d become heavily invested in The Usos quest tae become the tag champs. Fuck knows if it wis anything to do with them bring Rikishi’s boys, huvin a nifty entrance routine or if it wis plainly cause they’re easily the best proper tag team tae hit WWE in years, but I found mysell intae it, and I found mysell baws oot and swingin them aboot when they took they shiny belts aff The Outlaws a few months back, so tae see them involved in this clusterfuck wis nae fun. In theory The Usos vs Sandow and Fandango is a brilliant prospect (Sandango? See, there’s a ready made name for them n everything) but when ye stick Sandow in a oneside, and huv him daein interpretative dance moves, yer ripping the utter cunt. 4 very talented men stuck in a segment that stunk the fuckin place oot. They gave Sandow the WH Title MITB briefcase last year ffs, and wae that very same PPV approaching in a few weeks time, here he is. In a beige onesie, tap-dancing and waving a flare hing aboot, before taking a brutal superkick and big splash combo aff a Jimmy (or it might’ve been Jey 😉 ) Uso for the win.
I realise WWE have tae try and throw a wee bit of something for everyone in their shows know? Diversity and aw that shite, but see this? This is for naecunt. If you’re currently reading this a person who enjoyed that segment, then please know. I consider you not only a part of the problem, but one of the key reasons for the problem existing in the first place, and I probably hate ye. x
A wee flashback to a more fruitful time for oor Damo
I’m no sure about Bo Dallas
Used tae hate the cunt. So much so that I came up wae various theories as to why he was so shite, and Bray was so good, considering that they both came fae the same bawsack. That theory involved Mike Rotunda having one baw (left) that produces geniuses wae glorious beards, tattoos and mad deranged attitudes. The other baw (right…if yer keeping track) produces perennially soakin wee fandans, wae the moveset of a cunt about a month intae training. I wisnae a fan of the overly smiley, cheesy character, and when ye coupled it with his basic, incredibly boring work in the ring in NXT, Bo Dallas could fuckin bolt as far as I wis concerned. Then he gradually started tae win me over. His NXT character became more and more cheesy, wae heelish undertones, and that fuckin got me, cause I proper despised the cunt. No just cause he was shite, but cause his character made ye despise him. Tae me, whilst his in ring stuff still left a lot to be desired, he was finally striking the balance he needed tae strike. Then he got bumped uptae the main roster, and I wis intae it even more. Cuttin inspirational promos before his matches, gettin JBL aw excited (IT’S BO TIME MAGGLE! YOU GOTTA BO-LIEVE) and even having words of encouragement for the folk he beats after he beats them, but recently I’ve found myself taking a dislike tae him again, and d’ye know why?
A BULLDOG IS NOT A FINISHER.
Even if ye go for a wee run before it, and ye cry it the running Bo-Dawg, I do not give the beginnings of a fuck. First that armdrag ye had the gall tae refer to as a Belly to Belly suplex wis yer finisher on NXT, and now this? Shove yer running Bo-Dawg up yer ringpiece pal, and also…why the fuck are you so wet aw the time? Are you sweaty? Were ye just watching cops? Dae aw the monks fae a local monastery gather round tae pish on ye before every match? WHY ARE YOU SO SHINY? I NEED TAE KNOW.
Fuck the running bo-dog. Fuck the fact that it beat Xavier Woods. Fuck it aw.
Heyman trickery, and Cesaro vs RVD
Heyman had tae join the party wae some brilliance eh? Ye cannae have a celebration without a dose of Heyman (in case ye wurnae aware, yer currently involved in a celebration btw, this is Snapmare Necks official first birthday party! How ye finding it? Is the cake good? I made it mysell, its 2 parts sugar, 3 parts Rum, a bottle of Sambucca and some Cherryade…Oh did I say cake before, I meant FACE MELTIN POTION OF DEATH…drink up, it’s the good stuff)
So Heyman teases the crowd wae a Brock Lesnar appearance. Builds it up tae sound like he’s coming out, before swerving it tae reveal that it’s actually Cesaro. Here’s the thing, whilst it wis a fun bit of trickery, if you’re someone who seriously thought he wis appearing, they ye have some trouble reading between the fuckin liiiines ma man. Namely the line ma man Heyman was feedin ye. Bait taken, and munched feverishly, we moved on tae the match..
The match was to determine another one of the competitors in that MITB match that disnae really involve money, or banks, or briefcases, and it was another excellent one between these two. There wis always that creeping wee fear that they’d want RVD in the match cause he’s a bit of a spot monkey, and spot monkeys are useful in a ladder match. If ye need an auld stoner tae jump aboot daft, RVDs yer guy, but the only outcome here that made any sense was Cesaro continuing his stratospheric rise tae the muhfuckin top by putting Van Dam away, and moving on tae the match at MITB. After a few scares, and the usual blend of uppercuttin, gutwrenchin, jaw bootin goodness fae Cesaro, combined wae yer rolling thunders, flippy spinny heel kickin and split legged moonsaultin fae Van Dam, Cesaro came out on top thanks tae a nifty move where he snapped Van Dams leg in three pieces roon a ring post, and presented the pieces to each individual member of the commentary team, accompanied by a nod, a smile, and his business card (Cesaro – For aw yer wrestling and swinging cunts aboot in circles needs) He climbs back in the ring tae gie the newly one legged Van Dam a wee taste of the Neautralizer for his troubles. Games a bogey.
Cesaro stoats away with that boundless swagger he’s adopted recently. Its kind of a magnetic lookin thing ye know? Like if he wandered through Costco wae that swagger, he’d walk back oot wae aw their metallic goods stuck tae his person, and a knowing wink for the security guard on the way out as if tae say ‘It’s no stealin big man, I’m just THAT good’
Cesaro for champ.
Seth Rollins says words
Ya fuckin dick.
Seth talks about his betrayal. He speaks about it not being a big deal. How it’s best for his business. How he created The Shield. He feels like he has the right to destroy his own creation. Cause HE created The Shield. Aye fair point ma man, know whit else but?
FUCK YE. Ya fuckin dick.
He goes on tae talk shite about his brothers. Dean Ambrose is a lunatic. Without Seth, he’ll be deid within the month. Big Reignsy is a beast, but he needs Seth tae harness that beastliness. Aye good point Seth son, I’m hearin ye loud and clear, know whit else though?
FUCK YOU. YOU FUCKIN TRAITOROUS DICKPIECE MASQUERADING AS A MAN.
He speaks about beating Evolution. About The Shield conquering the world. He talks about learning fae Evolution, and learning tae adapt, and d’ye know what else troops? I get where he’s coming fae. I really dae. He really is making a good point here. Even when the “you sold out!” chants ring out, I’m sittin back goin ‘naw wait! hear him out, maybe he didnae sell out’ but nah…..I’m just joking, cause d’ye know whit I say tae it?
Fuck. Seth. Rollins.
He says him, Ambrose and Rollins were never brothers. They were never close. The Shield meant nothing to him. Cunts need tae stop believing in The Shield, and start believing in Seth Rollins, know whit I believe in Seth?
BRING OOT THE HOUNDS.
Out come Dean and Roman. but they’re immediately met by a coupla bearded behemoths. Harper and Rowan oot for Seths hauners. Dean and Roman clear them oot, and for a brief moment it looks like they’re finally gonnae get their eager hands roon Seths scrawny wee neck, but he gives them the slip and Bray sneaks in tae make it a 3 on 2 beatdown, wae Seth disappearing intae the night. Probably intae a nearby Shopping Centre tae pay for things with fake money, and replace the aw the ketcup bottles in Burger King wae sheeps blood. Cause in case you hadn’t heard, he’s a traitor and a thief, and he can sook ma root.
Ambrose and Reigns needed a saviour, and the possibilities were endless. Ziggler? Could it even be a returning CM Punk? STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN? Joe Coffey? Honestly, the possibilities are endless mate, nae fuckin way it’ll be the most obvious choice. It cannae be. Unless…aye. It is. Fuck.
Out comes Cena tae save the day. He does a lot of vigorous heid shaking as if to say “NOT ON MY WATCH JACK!” and the whole thing peters out in a depressingly predictable fashion. Wae Cena and my main boaysies cleanin house. Cena confirmed as The Shieldsies partner for the main event against The Wyatts, which isnae a bad thing for the match but it most certainly is a bad thing for the ambiguity of the finish, cause we all fuckin knows Team Cena’s winning. Cause hustle, loyalty and BLEUGHHH. Mind I really liked Cena for a while? I still dae btw. Still have the utmost respect for him as a wrestler, and a dedicated professional but I also want him tae go away a wee bit, or at least not be involved in storylines that I give a shit about. If his thing wae Bray still has one more match in it, then for the love of fuckin god, make sure he Bray wins it. Not only wins it, but scorches it. Then get Cena in a feud wae Cesaro and have him put the cunt over on every show. Even Superstars! We can have Cena putting Cesaro over, right night tae The Great Khali taking on Doink The Clown (aka Hunico) and Heidenreich in a handicap match.
Awww fuck, noo I’m sad again. 😦
Cheerio Aksana hen, I’ll miss ye
Aksana was another wan released as part of the same batch that produced the 3MB heartache, and I cannae fathom it. Not only is she a total ride of a lassie who wears similar catsuits tae the ones that used tae gie me vicious stauners when Sable was about, but shes fuckin improved so she has. Know that thing Eva Marie is incapable of? Aksana done it. Got better at wrestling. Still shite like, but a bearable form of shite. Shite that I can stomach without wantin tae smash fuck outta cunts. Anyway, the reason I’m mentioning my heartache at Aksanas departure is that she accompanied Alicia Foxx for her match wae Paige, which was pretty much the exact same as aw their other matches, wae a wee twist for the finish. Alicia dominates, Paige rallies, flings her intae Aksana at ringside, and Paige locks in the PTO for the win. They’re fuckin up the Paige call up somethin awful btw. How about letting her dae really good wrestling for 10 minutes at a time eh? Instead of this pish where she gets bossed, rallies and eventually wins. Aksanas ordeal wisnae over but.
She helps Alicia tae her feet like the gallant Latvian beauty that she is, consoles her pal. ‘I’m sorry ye lost ma darlin, but it’ll be awrite, we’ll split a bottle ah Greygoose and talk about hair straighteners’ or whitever burds dae. Point is, she was being nice, and Alicia soaked her n stuffed popcorn in her gub. Not the best way for yer employment tae end really is it? Unless yer employed as some kinda gimp wae a popcorn fetish, then ye’d probably be quite enamoured wae it. No happy wae the path this Alicia Foxx thing is taking either, she looked like she was turning intae an arse kickin, tilt o whirl backbreaking stoater, and it’s no panning out ataw. Looks more and more like a fandan wae every passing week. Huvin a wee tantrum, and giving the timekeeper a wedgie every now and then is awrite, but doing it every week? Nah hen. Seen it too many times noo. I’m afraid its just OOOOOLD NEWWWWS.
Swagger, Santino and me catchin some zzzzz’s
I dunno if there’s ever been a less relevant segment on any RAW, in any era, in the history of Monday Night RAW or even things being raw in general. This was braindeath tae me. Swagger struggling, gets a slap aff Zeb, all of a sudden he wins. Have they already canned Adam Rose btw? Is that why this happened? I suppose after the high of having the Coffeys and Joe Hendry in yer entourage, its a downward spiral fae there, but fuck me man. This was fuckin nothing. In the name of all that is good and pure in the world, please make this a one time thing. I couldnae dae it regularly. I just couldnae. Its too much tae ask of a person. I’m just a man.
So the main event eh. On paper it’ll be a gid match. Cena can go despite what certain VLs masquerading as wrestling fans will tell ye, and we aw know what happens when The Wyatts and The Shieldsies get together, so let’s fuckin do it. First of all though, I wis gaun through my old drawings and I uncovered this wee gem. Before any feud had started between them ataw.
Nae idea why I drew Cena so much smaller than Bray right enough, but I feel like this is a prediction of the future, cept the thing that happens isnae Cenas birthday, its his arduous and painful slow death, and it isnae happening in 3 days its happening TO INFINITY AND BEYOND. (only kiddin…I don’t think Bray’s really gonnae kill Cena, nor do I think he’s currently in the process of killing him, cause that’s just silliness, and that’s no what Snapmare Necks is about. Snapmare Necks is about serious discussions on pro wrestling, and nipples. Always nipples. Usually belonging to Cesaro)
Anyway……..MAIN EVENT TIME.
Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns and John Cena vs The Wyatt Family
So I suppose I’ll review a wrestling match for ye? I’ve yet tae dae that this week, cause this is a special edition. Full of fun, frolics and fuckin……..(some) wrestling. But this was a match. It certainly happened, and I’m gonnae tell ye a thing or three about it if you’ll lend me yer attention span for a bit.
Maggle gets a wee mention but I start listing moves n trying tae apint a picture of the match for ye, cause he said Reigns, Ambrose and Cena were taking on The Sh……..Wyatt Family and that shit wis hilarious, cause he nearly said The Shield! Egg on his face eh. Oh Maggle, you are such a silly Maggle so ye urr. Anyway…WRESTLING.
Starts out wae an all out brawl mate. Warfare. Pure warfare. Shake, rattle and crossbody fae Ambrose. Cause he don’t roll on nobody baby. HE IS AN FBI AGENT BABY! THE BUREAU. We kid intae a bit of Ambrose goes Tonto, as he slings neat dropkicks, and mad jabs tae everycunt wae a pulse. Reignsy gets in and clatters Rowan wae a back elbow, before near decapitating him wae a big ol lariat. Harper gets in and has a wee suplex duel wae Reingsy, which the big Samoan Shagger of course prevailed in, cause raw power and spearing humans in hauf are quite simply the things he does. Harper gets his knee dropkicked aff Ambrose anaw, before the big fella finds himself in a beauty of a half crab, cause on the off chance it had escaped yer attention, Dean Ambrose can fuckin go. He goes straight intae a big boot tae the chops aff Harper though, and that calls for Bray tae slide in a maniacally wail “COME ON AMBROSE!” in our Deanos direction. Beautiful stuff. I’d pawn wan lung and two kidneys for them tae have a feud man. Ye could probably last a few seconds kidneyless eh? Would be totally fuckin worth it just tae see them even go face tae face. Anyway. Rowan gets whipped intae some steps, and Bray unleashes bad right hauns, and kicks tae Deanos jaw as this yin was gathering some pace baby! 5 wrestlers and an FBI Agent! The action be FIERCE sugar. (this fuckin Dusty Rhodes impression is the bane of my existence man…or it wid be if I didnae fuckin LOVE IT)
Ambrose and Harper have a lovely wee exchange, that winds up wae Dean gettin dropped on his face. Ambrose is in trouble again, and tries tae battle out wae a dazzling array of heidbutts and funny faces. Bray gets ina lines up for the big splash in the corner, but Ambrose heroically gets the big boot up tae Brays jaw. Instead of running like the fuckin wind tae his corner, Ambrose decides tae get cocky and goes up top, only tae catch that weird rock bottom esque thing Bray does that I dont know the name of. Finally Ambrose gets the tag. Ugh. Hot tag. 3 guesses as tae who the recipient of that hot tag wis.
Shouldertackles, jabs…other shit. Usual Cena. I need tae keep reminding myself I’m no one of they staunchly anti Cena guys. I like him a lot, I really dae..its just…I dunno, my brain disnae these days. I feel like he could and should have done a lot more for Bray in their feud, but I suppose just by feuding wae Super Cena, it raises Brays profile wae the casual fans, so I guess that’s a gid thing eh? Whit wisnae a good thing for Cena wis getting hit wae that Senton fae Bray, as they got in amongst a wee back and forth. Cena eventualy rallies wae a dropkick, but Bray knocks him doon eventually. Harper gets him up in a Torture Rack type stance, and drops him intae a neckbreaker. Mega sare. Continues getting a doing, as I continue to count the second before he gets his big rally. He always fuckin does. Its Cena. Three things in life are certain. Death, me hating Nacho Novo with a burning passion till the day I perish, and John Cena havin a mad rally in any match that he’s gettin his shit ruined in. Cena and Bray have a wee dance, before Bray chucks him haufway across the ring, but of course he misses wae the senton! RALLY TIME! Or naw…its no actually, its just TAG TIME. Is Reigns gonnae get the finish? Fuckin surely no!
Flying clotheslines, and that apron dropkick spot on BOTH sides of the ring. One for Harper, and one for his big ginger pal. Ambrose gets involved anaw, and the whole thing was a chaos meht. Crossbody fae Cena anaw. And Bray’s lining up for somethin, before turning striaght round intae a SUPERMAN PUNCH. Dean Ambrose hits a suicide dive anaw, and Reignsy turned roon aff that Superman Punch high to catch a beauty of a superkick aff Harper for a two count. Harper goes aw wide eyed and interesting after that, but the muhfucka catches a human haufer of a spear and The (kinda) Shield sealed the win. Fuck it, I’m in a swell mood, Cena ma man. Yer an honorary Shieldsie for the night. Enjoy that status and enjoy sharing a victory brew or two wae yer brothers.
So overall I found RAW tae be awrite. I know that’s kinda a basic way tae sum it up, considering all the writing that’s gone in tae lead us here, but aye. It was awrite. The good parts were really good (Ambrose promo, Sheamus vs Barrett, main event…Ambrose promo…did I mention the Ambrose promo aye?) and there wis a metric tonne of filler. So aye. Wrestling eh. 6 and a hauf Snapmares outta 10. Thank you and goodnight.
Seriously though, for those who have taken the time to read this speil, and for those who continually take the time to read, comment on or even endorse my writing, my sincerest thanks tae ye aw. I’ve nae plans on stopping anytime soon, so hopefully year 2 of Snapmare Necks existence will be even bigger and better.
Big E wae a wee message for the outro.