So I decided a while back that if I was going to be doing Smackdown Reviews regularly again, they’d be in plain English, with maybe the odd scottish word in there, so this is exactly what you’ll be seeing here. No extravagances, no drawings, no long drawn out tangents about me having recurring nightmares that involve Batista falling down a well, into a pit of discarded placentas, and having to eat his way out. None of that disturbing patter, just straight up writing about straight up wrestling…STRAIGHT UP PATNA. Lets dae it. (sorry do it…i meant do it…like the Nike advert but less sexual…cause that Nike ad campaign was about shaggin eh? Lets not kid ourselves. Nike wanted you to use those Air Maxes you splashed out on to entice broads back to the boudoir for some high energy pumpin..No tangents though, this is vital Smackdown based information so it is…really…no honestly…wrestling) Aye…Wrestling.
Erick Rowan vs Jey Uso
Erick Rowan is an integral part of The Wyatt Family. Without him there’s only 2, and 2 people is less than 3 people. In terms of wrestling stables, less is never more. 3’s good. 2’s bad. Got it? Good. Rowan is a human. A large one with a large, gloriously groomed ginger beard. So these are all the good things about Erick Rowan. The bad thing about him is that he’s a bit of a pish wrestler. Compared to Bray and all his brooding psychology, and compared to Harper defying the laws of…well fuckin everything, to do the amazing shit he does. Rowan’s just a big battering ram of a man. Packs a decent fallaway slam and is really adept at being irish whipped into his foes by Harper, but aside from that there’s not a lot to write home about. He did win this with a move Michael Cole described as a “sideslam” cause he’s a fuckin dolt, and thinks everything is a “sideslam” Here’s the thing Maggle mate, sometimes it isnae.
Ambrose and Reigns
They pretty much cut a less intense version of the promo from Monday. Ambrose was less jaw droppingly brilliant, but still exceedingly scary. The burning passion Reigns had for the demise of Seth Rollins and his various affiliates had simmered to..well, a simmer. I really dunno where I’m going with these metaphors, or if they’re even metaphors, so I’ll stop talking shite and let you all in on a wee secret. In his infinite Beak driven wisdom, Triple H made us a couple of wrasslin matches! The Shield were giving it patter about getting in amongst that wee ladder match coming up in a few weeks, and Trips has some BAAAAAAD NEWS for them. Firstly, theres only one spot available and after a right dodgy bitta coin flipping, he ascertains that its Dean Ambrose who’ll go for the spot at MITB, but the BAAAAAD NEWS here is that he’ll need to get through Bray Wyatt to seal his place (Dean vs Bray btw….Dean vs Bray…DEANO VS BRAYO…YASSSSS) and Roman Reigns would be banned from ringside, as would The Wyatt Family. Same rules apply for Roman Reigns for his match with everyones favourite smug Tory bastard, and if you don’t know who I’m on about, you’re shite at readin subtext. Its Barrett. Of course its Barrett. That was the reason for incorporating the BAAAD NEWWWWS patter into the previous sentence. It’s supposed to link up. Ugh….fuckin forget it. Reigns vs Barrett RIGHT NOW. Focus on that.
Roman Reigns vs Bad News Barrett
Thoroughly enjoyable scrap between these two big bastards. A couple of sare looking suplexes, and a big clothesline sends Barrett to the outside. He stays down for a ponderous 4 count. Taking time to mull over Englands World Cup chances and the chances of him winning this match clean, before coming to the conclusion that the prospects of both were decidedly FUCKED. Whips Reigns into the barricade anyway, cause if he’s going down, big Barrett’s going to go down swinging. Nearly separates Romans beautiful Samoan melt from his shoulders with a big boot on the apron, but walking spears don’t need heads anyway. They need Samoan Drops. He hit a Samoan Drop. He hit a big clothesline. He hit the apron dropkick spot. He is god. Roman is god. Roman lines up the Superman Punch. Roman lands Superman Punch. ROMAN CONQUERS. Roman looked like he was about to conquer anyway, but as he gets primed and ready to separate the Bad News from the Barrett with a spear, 3MB surrounded the ring, and my heart broke once again.
They were a band…a band of 3…and my heart’s been sombre…since you took them from me. They knock fuck out of Reigns for a while, before the big man cleans them out. Of course he did. 3MBs last appearance as a unit would make nothing even resembling any sense if they emerged triumphant. Jinder gets slung over the announce table, our Drew takes a belter of a spear, before Heath Slater takes the single greatest spear I’ve ever seen that didnt happen from the top of a ladder. Slater jumps at him off the steel steps and Heath Slater got broken in half. Heath Slater is deid (not really) 3MB are deid (unfortunately that’s actually true)
Bo Dallas vs R-Truth
“This man is 6 and BO right now” Awww JBL. One of my guilty pleasures in WWE right now is JBLs hilarious commentary on Bo Dallas matches. He’s referred to him as “Ins-Bo-Rational” before as well, and he consistently berates Cole and King for not standing to attention and saluting Bo as he steps through the ropes. He loves him some Bo Dallas. He also has this weird fascination with R-Truth, so I’m surprised the big cunt didn’t spontaneously combust when he seen Bo nodding along to Truths entrance music. Then wrestling.
It happened. It was the same as pretty much all of Bo’s matches so far, but a wee bit more dances. Wee bit more spinning heel kicky. Wee bit more hiptossy. Cause thats all R-Truth does really. Running Bo-Dawg for the win of course. His finisher is a bulldog and I can’t get on board with that. Its shite. Pure and simple. Run about all you like bud, its still a fuckin bulldog, It’ll never be a proper finisher and I still can’t fathom how you stay so wet.
Cesaro vs Sheamus
Heyman and Cesaro cut a wee promo before it. Heyman translating for Cesaro, who speaks English fluently, but is so IRATE with Sheamus, he can speak nothing but his native tongue. Blinded by pure unfiltered fury, he insists that Cesaro is here for a fight and a fight only. Nae wrestling. None of the greco roman, small package carry on that gained Sheamus the win over Cesaro at Payback. The dirty big cheating, nae skin pigmentation having bastard. Cesaro makes good on his promise of a fight with some jaw altering jabs to the….eh, well they’re jaw altering eh? So to the fuckin jaw obviously. Clotheslines, knees, forearms, elbows, and a dazzling array of Cesaro uppercuts, as these two big bruisers went toe to toe. Bruising forearm smashes to the kidney from Sheamus cause he has nae respect. Simple as that. Only explanation for this heinous assualt of a genius is a lack of respect. Too much ginger, not enough respect.
They kept hitting each other really hard. It was nifty. I enjoyed their matches a lot, despite my consistent state of disdain for Sheamus and his coupon. Sheamus sends Cesaro to the outside BUT he tumbles out there with him cause he has no fuckin idea how to clothesline properly. The prick. Cesaro blocks that stupid fuckin chest beating spot, cause he’s NOT an idiot, and wont stand idly by on the apron while some diddy ride batters fuck out his chest. See I keep dipping intae pure Scottish patter so I dae. Need tae nip it in the bud, we’re daein proper real journalism here! Chinlocks and paragraphs…aw that fuckin shite.
Cesaro swipes his forearm across Sheamus’ jaw cause he’s as sick of his repetitive shite as I am. Sorry, I’m being awful harsh on oor fella eh? I do like the big cunt. He has good matches with most folk, I just hate his character, that chest beating spot, and that look he has on his face that indicates he knows something you don’t. He’s got your maws digits, and he texts her on the regulah. Sheamus the shagger. Shagmus.
Shagmus knocks Cesaro off the top rope, and he stays down for an 8 count on the outside, before Sheamus slings a high knee in his face. Then…fuck….fuckin 10 beats of the fuck off. Fuck you and fuck this spot. If Cesaro doesen’t go on to win this, I’m gonnae find the nearest Irish person to me, and tell them to tell Sheamus I hate him. I assume all Irish folk know each other eh? Its a village or something eh? Cesaro near knocks the big man out with a huge elevated uppercut, but it didn’t get the job done, cause how often does ghostmus lose a match clean? Fuckin barely ever. Even this finish wasn’t strictly clean, as Cesaro won with an inside cradle. The very thing him and Heyman were talking about being a disgrace before the match. I spent the whole match slagging fuck out of Sheamus and crying him untrustworthy…..a bit sly even, then Cesaro goes and does that. Wrasslin eh! Whits it like!
Another captivating Bray promo. I don’t have the words anymore. Nothing more needs said. He just does this. Watch it. Lap it the fuck up, then move on with your day. Maybe do a crossword. Puzzles are neat.
Adam Rose vs Fandango
I don’t give a fuck man. Done with it. Adam Rose peaked when he stoated out on RAW with The Coffeys flanking him. This is boring now. Same shite every week. Half arsed feud with Swagger seemingly done. Now he’s half feuding with Fandango and I don’t care about any of it. I used to be a rosebud, now I’m considering joining team lemon, but having a team at all would suggest I give a fuck, and we’ve established I don’t. My favourite thing about Adam Rose is JBL accusing his bunny of murdering his family every week. Such a whimsical Southern joker so he is. “MAGGLE THAT BUNNY SNAPPED MY CHILDRENS NECKS MAGGLE! IT WAS A MASSACRE MAGGLE, YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE IT”
Fandango goes up top for the top rope Legdrop, but Rose performed a textbook roly poly, and hit that weird neckbreaker-ish thing he does for the win. Fandango jobbing to this fanny now. Aye cool. Layla gives him a wee consolation kiss, before the person dressed as a chicken in Adam Roses entourage jumped in the ring and revealed herself to be SUMMER RAE BAYBAY! Her and Layla rolled about for a while, and that was by far the best thing about this pish. Fandango is an irrelevance now and that saddens me. Jericho must regret putting him over eh? Or maybe he’s too busy being a rockstar to give a flying fuck.
Big E vs Jack Swagger
They had a belter of a match on a PPV recently. Elimination Chamber it might have been. Loved it. One of the best matches on the card easily, and one of the best IC Title matches at a PPV in a long time, so naturally Big E got rewarded with having his belt took off him, and being on the sharp end of something close to a squash from Rusev, and Swaggers reward was having his thriving partnership with Cesaro ended, and getting his arse toed in a feud with Adam Rose. Lovely.
Big E and his marvellous manchest unleash the usuals. Big splash, lariats, belly to belly suplex. Looks like its Big Ending time, then Lana came out to shout in Big Es general direction. Big E’s like that….”eh?” and then Zeb pointed at her for a while, telling her to “take yer little harlot ass back to your mudhut on ho island” where she apparently belongs according to him. before Big E hit the Big Ending anyway for the win. So what one’s Rusev actually feuding with? Does anyone give anything looking, smelling or feeling like a fuck? Despair
Aksana vs Alicia Foxx
Aww Aksana darlin. You never looked more beautiful than you did in this match. Your last. Glorious sideboob. Absolutely stellar. Alicia wins with a weird Fame-asser looking thing, before high fiving Aksana’s burst corpse. Alicia does some celebratory handstands and I wiped a single solemn tear in memory of oor Aksana. I’ll miss ye dawl x
Dean Ambrose vs Bray Wyatt
For me as a human being, who sometimes exists on this planet with varying levels of success…this is perfection. I’m talking purely from a human man perspective, as I sometimes resemble such a thing. As a human, who stands before you with human parts. This was it. During last weeks RAW Review I spoke of my willingness to pawn a kidney and both lungs or somethin if they could make this happen, and they only went and done it on Smackdown! I feel less violated by having my soul sucked out by the pointlessness of the last half hour now its Deano vs Beardo time. Lets get in amongst it eh!
Shit’s a brawl son! Mad furious jabs from both, before Bray floors our Dean with a huge lariat. A distant wail of “lariatoooo!” escapes from Deans mouth as he crashes to the mat. World weary and broken by betrayal. A dagger in the back from his brother. How could you Fredo? You broke my heart.
He lets out some of that Rollins angst with a beautiful crossbody, before Bray clocks him with a huge shot to the jaw. Some slaps and a sexy dropkick from our Devilish Dean, before he goes for a springboard crossbody to the outside only for Bray to catch him, bite his right ear clean aff and spit it into his mouth, and drop him on the apron with that rock bottom type thing he does which I don’t know the name of. All you need to know is it looked fuckin sare. Bray plants a wee kiss on Deanos forehead before jabbing him viciously again, but as he takes a wee moment to have a look at the shiny belts suspended above the ring, Deano plants him with a DDT. Just as beautiful as I expected this was. Even more so cause it has a brutality about it I didn’t anticipate. Characterised perfectly by Bray ramming Dean’s head into the ringpost.
Bray’s well in control, and takes another short break to chew the head off an owl and tell it a wee story, but he winds up regretting it cause Ambrose dodges his Senton attempt, and hits that glorious bounce off the middle rope and lariat a cunts heid aff thing he does, for a 2 count. They slug it out and it was majestic, before Bray drops Deano on his face. A stiff knee to the gut sends Bray to the outside, just in time to catch a suicide dive to the muhfuckin throat, and then…fuck sake Seth Rollins.
Seth Rollins is a very talented wrestler, who has improved vastly as a character over the past year. I rate him highly, and enjoy watching him a great deal but at the same time…FUCK SETH ROLLINS AND EVERYTHING HE STANDS FOR.
We’re coming to the glorious natural conclusion of this one, when Bray dodges Dirty Deeds, and hits that breastbone shatterer of a flying elbow. Dean recovers from that, cause men dont need breastbones. We use bra’s to hold our tits up thank you very much, and his recovery leads to Dirty Deeds, but all of a sudden that fuckin traitorous blonde streaked dickpiece appears on the announce table and Dean chases after him. He leads our Deano back into the ring, where Bray’s waiting to deliver Sister Abigail. Game’s a bogey. Bray going for the shiny belts at MITB, and Seth Rollins making a strong push for hook nosed, traitorous wank of the year of the year award. Fuck Seth Rollins.
Overall Smackdown was above average. Ambrose vs Bray was predictably magnificent, Sheamus vs Cesaro was good, and Reigns vs Barrett gets pass marks. The rest ranged between pointless but entertaining, to utter shite. 6 backstabbers outta 10. Smashin.