Made a right song and dance about last weeks RAW Review eh? Kinda hard tae live uptae that in some ways. Namely me no really giving that much of a fuck about it this week. I started with that mindset anyway, and then the show only went and gave me numerous stauners, and sare heids wae the sheer activity of it.
Can ye believe that? An episode of RAW not rendering you a hollow shell coated in apathy, wonders will never cease.
Fuckin more Daniel Bryan burial. Triple H talking about him having nae heart. How about you have less beak mate? I’m sick of this same fuckin promo. Every other week we’ve had this shite for nearly a year. Everyones gathered on the stage to pretend they give a flying fuck about this pish. We’ll cut tae the chase eh. The chase being the point in this self indulgent shite fae Trips. Well I suppose there was two points, the first one was how fucking delicious Steph was lookin in the wee red skirt, black top combo. Shit was dynamite. I want her to nipple cripple me intae oblivion, then put a wee plaster on the wounds and kiss them better. I mean whit? Aye wrestling. Wrestling n that. So Trips informs us all that there will be a Battle Royal to determine one of the remaining places in the WWE World Heavyweight Title Ladder Match, which Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose wouldnt be involved in cause they’re nuhin but a coupla rebels, and John Cena wouldnt be involved in it either cause he’s got a haircut appointment when its on, and ye cannae sacrifice the imagine John pal. Got tae keep it high n tight, so instead he’ll be involved in the main event of the evening. A STRETCHER MATCH WITH THE MONSTER DEMON OF REDNESS KANE! Meaning those of us watching this live in the UK get an early night, cause fuck that pish. Winner of that goes intae the ladder match anaw. Woopdee fuckin do.
Fuckin braw. After an opening segment that I had fuck all but eye rolling and discontent for, we get a Dolph shaped antidote. Not only did we get Dolph in all his glory, we got him going at it wae Seth Rollins again in a display of unwavering salesmanship. Two best move selling geniuses in the company, selling the shit out of everything and conjuring up a masterpiece. Magic.
Dolph Ziggler vs Seth “Traitorface” Rollins
Look at the cunt. Smiling broadly as the titantron plays a re-run of his heinous betrayal. Fuck this blonde streaked genius in his fuckin stupid traitorous brilliant face. He is literally everything that’s wrong wae the world, nae loyalty to his brothers. Nae regard for the feelings of anyone but himself, so why do I want to be him so much? Dolph hits him wae a high arcing hiptoss early on that Seth sold so effectively, he wound up 2000 miles away sitting eating popcorn in one of the empty seats at a TNA House Show. They have a wee cuddle, before breaking for some fast paced leapfrogging gidness, rounded off by Dolph hitting a peach of a dropkick square on Dolphs finely crafted jaw.
Seth gets chinbreakered tae fuck after that, cause he’s a terrible person and deserves pain. He tries tae inflict some pain of his own wae a suicide dive attempt, but Dolph blocked it and proceeded tae go tonto. Flying aw over the shop, hitting mad jabs, followed by that terrific elevated DDT thing he does that makes aw the burds go “oooooooh wee” . It was high octane magnificence mate. Dolph goes for the fame-asser, but sees it reversed, only for him tae reverse the reversal, leading to an infinite reversal loop that lasted the whole duration of the show. We had authority figures and wrestlers breaking kayfabe to turn up at ringside and plead with them to stop reversing each others moves, but the boys widnae listen. They perished soon after the reversal loop, cause cunts cannae engage in physical activities for 3 straight hours without dehydration n aw that patter setting it. Nah I jest, Dolph goes for the fame-asser again and HITS IT to the backdrop of a thunderous pop from fans and commentators alike. My question about that yin is simply this…why? Has Dolph ever won wae that move? Simmer the fuck doon eh guys, he wis never winning this match in a month of Tuesdays anyway, but well done tae him for selling his shock at it no getting the job done. His slack jawed expression of shock, turned intae a dismantled jawed expression of a man who just got KERB STOMPED as Seth swooped in tae seal the wi….or…….
It’s Dean Ambrose! Dean Ambrose is here. Dean fuckin Ambrose….and aw….haud on….yes. It is indeed. DEAN AMBROSE IN A LEATHER JAGGIT MAGGLE! Dean Ambrose in denims, a wifebeater and a leather fuckin jaggit. Can you believe yer ovaries? Mine are pulsating right now, and its been rumoured that I don’t even have ovaries mate, so you tell me? Dean Ambrose cuts about knocking the utter shite out his former brother, looking like a young Marlon Brando or somethin, before cupping the mic in his hands ever so majestically to lay some more beautiful words on us. Calls his face extremely punchable, before urging the traitor tae fight him like him a man. Seth gestures like he’s up for that, but Triple H appears on the titantron once again to kill my stauner for life. Putting a terrible English accent on to reveal that whilst Dean Ambrose wants a fight wae Seth Rollins….”I’m afraid ahve gutt sum bad newzz”
Dean Ambrose vs Bad News Barrett
I can look past Trips and his meddling for this dream of a match, but fuck him and his stupid coupon anyway. I suppose he’s gettin a reaction out of me though eh? Cannae deny him that, the fuckin arsehole he is. Dean Ambrose in denims hits a crossbody, and its too much. Dean Ambrose wrestles in denims now. He wrestles in denims, and wrestles in all his unhinged, wide eyed, Jon Moxley laden glory. I’m not a big fan of folk referring to WWE guys as their indie personas, cause it always comes off smartarsey, but this cunt right here is Jon Moxley. Nae doubt about it. This was as Mox as it gets. Mox oot its Box. He slung Barrett ringside in a Moxesque fashion, before going for a Tornado DDT, only for Barrett to send him flying off the top rope wae a huge clothesline, which saw Deano land HARD on the apron. Barrett and Ambrose man. This could be a World Title feud easily if ye ask me, and it would be a fuckin belter anaw. Hard hitting believable matches between two guys who capture yer interest. What more can ye ask for really? Ambrose fires in wae some hard hitting elbows and knees before connecting with his second Tornado DDT attempt. Gid wrestling wae two of the best cunts oot. Its shit like this that makes me wonder about folk who give up on WWE, or talk about it like its something dirty. Cause this was marvellous. A slice of sheer wrasslin glory, brought to life once more by Barrett hitting Winds of Change, after a flurry of jabs from Ambrose. Fuckin love that move, and it was followed up by another one of my favourite current wrasslin things when Ambrose done that bounce aff the middle rope, spring back and LARIATOOOO combination. Then that dirty bastardin BASTURT Seth Rollins showed up on the announce table again. Fuck this fuckin mastermind so much man. Honestly.
Ambrose knocks prickface aff the apron, before sending Barrett out tae meet him and hitting them both wae a double impact suicide dive, but ye know our Dean. Ye know he’s no lettin this go. Chases Rollins intae the crowd and wails on him some more, and Barrett takes the accalim after winning via countout. Here’s the thing but. Dean Ambrose hates two things on life. Naw three…three things. And those three things are Seth Rollins, loosing wrestling matches, and garments wae sleeves. So when he realises two of those things had been forced upon him in the space of 20 minutes, he had nae option but tae his Barrett wae some Dirty Deeds.
Roman Reigns drugged a couple of Coffees Vickie was carrying for Triple H and Stephanie. First The Outlaws drug Betty White for some unfathomable reason and now this. Why dae cunts keep getting drugged in WWE man? Is this a deliberate change in writing direction or whit? Fuck sake Roman. You’re supposed to be a leader mate. Leaders don’t get what they want in life by dropping laxatives in folks drinks. Its not on.
Ah Bray. I’ve run out of new and interesting ways to describe what he does. I don’t think there’s ever been such a complete wrestling character with only a short time of the person portraying it. I feel like this cunt’s been tellin me stories for years. He talks about power, and points to the shiny belts as the true source of power in WWE. With those belts, Bray will be able to take over the fuckin world. He encourages us to look at his brothers, cause you’re looking at the new WWE Tag Champions. “Power and Influence” Hanging above that ladder is his glory, hanging above that ladder is change. I hope yer fuckin right Bray. The chances of you taking the belts after losing a feud wae Cena are slim, but if its not you or Roman Reigns leaving MITB with those two belts, theres something wrong wae the world. Cesaro would be lovely anaw, but unfortunately its no likely. Bray’s rudely interrupted by Sheamus, before being subjected to some pish patter fae him. Blah blah, fella. Blah, blah I’m gonnae Brogue ye. Aye nae bother pal. Heard it. Bray vs Sheamus next. Lets call it Braymus for funsies.
Braymus (Bray vs Sheamus, shortened to Braymus, and elongated further with this explanation)
This was a belter anaw. RAW was giving us a lot of things tae get erect for in the first hour, meaning either we’re in the midst of RAW breaking out its slump of averageness (overall like, theres been good things every week) or its about tae do downhill fuckin FAST. Gantin for a proper heel Sheamus though. The face version of him always has been a nothing character. Shoutin FELLLLAAA and ending every promo wae somethin about fighting isnae a character mate. Its doing a terrible impression of an Irish guy. After some hard striking and stuff occurring, the match makes its way to the outside. Sheamus looks straight intae the camera, licks his lips and goes “Its time for Sheamy to take a bite outta Braymy” before Harper and Rowan intervene. Clearly in no mood to see their leader have a chunk taken out him by an Irishman. Their noble deed is met with a HEINOUS attack from WWEs designated hauners The Usos. Clearly they came here for a show, and wanted tae see the pale faced belt stealer chow down on some Bray-zed steak. This is where ye need Theodore Long.
He was fired though, and now I’m sad about 3MB again, ffs. Sheamus continued his singles match wae Bray instead, with Bray was dominating. Went for a Senton, but Sheamy got the knees up. Some sexy rope running stuff which Bray ended with that clavicle crushing flying elbow thing he does. Its really gid, know whit isnae very good. THAT FUCKIN SPOT, FUCK SAKE. I was really enjoying this match anaw. A lot more than I anticipated, but ye ruined it guys. Its over. Sheamus lines up for the Brogue, so Harper and Rowan pull him out and leather him. Sheamus wins via DQ.
Turns intae a weird spotfest, wae Sheamus getting Bray with the rolling senton on the outside, and providing the base for a ladder which The Usos ran up and dived on Harper and Rowan. Sheamus essentially provided the role of a support beam here, proving once and for all that he’s an inanimate object masquerading as a real boy.
Dae I hate Sheamus? I dunno, you’re the one reading my shit. Does it come across that way? I like him as a wrestler most of the time. A wee bit boring like, but with the right opponent he serves up good shit. There’s just numerous things about the cunt that make me want tae set myself on fire and jump out a windae.
Paul Heyman and Renee Young being cute as fuck. Heymans saying something about some shit not being a prediction, but it is in fact a “spoiler” Think he was talking about Cesaro winning the belts, but I was too busy getting lost in their loving looks towards each other tae care. Before that Steph was saying words tae Renee before having to run off tae spew cause Roman Reigns drugged her. Mind that? Mind how WWE are very casual about their employees drugging authority figures? Widdye mean ye dont want tae talk about it and I should move on to the next segment? Don’t be so fuckin sensitive man, just trying to get to the bottom of this.
Rusev and Heaths sadness
HE’S A ONE MAN BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND.
Fuckin sad so it is. I don’t even need tae watch this again. I remember everything. Heath looking like Tom without his Jerries. The Godfather without his Ho’s. A dick wae nae baws. Bring back the baws. Bring back the band. Make them 3 again. And it’ll aw be grand.
Lana’s patter is starting tae grate on me. As much of a ride as she still undoubtedly is, cheap Putin heat, and daein the exact same thing every single fuckin week wae Rusev is fast forward material. Did they forget that Rusev had a legit match at Payback? One wae a beginning, middle and end? Back tae the same auld shite. Same auld squashin. Get it oot ma same auld face please. Slater tells them if they like Russia so much, they should go back. Neither of them are actually Russian though Heath. Heath started brightly, then got crushed. Course he did. First ye broke my heart, and now you’ve broke my Heath. Bastards.
In a segment lifted straight out of the late mid 90s, Stephanie Mcmahon spewed in Vickies face as a result of being drugged by an employee of hers. Make sure ye’ve got yer sestbelts fastened securely cause this RAW’s goin downhill at a rapid rate.
We go for a break after that, so a full 5-6 minutes of live tv go by, and when we come back Vickie still has spew aw over her coupon. I know it’s not real spew like, but the implication is there that Vickie is the type of person tae get spewed on and not immediately shower afterwards. Vickie’s a dirty. Roman Reigns, fresh off his boss poisoning exploits, persuades Vickie tae put him in the Battle Royal. She can dae that cause she’s the highest ranking authority figure in the building cause for some reason Triple H had tae accompany his wife tae the hospital for spewing. Spewing is apparently very life threatening these days and all spewing done on WWE shows must be overseen by The Game. Vickie says aye. Romans in the rumble. Smashin. Away n wipe that spew aff yer coupon eh. Yer some mess hen.
Kevin Hart is one of my favourite comedians, but I don’t give a fuck about his film, his patter and the fact that Adam Rose interrupted him. None of this has anything to do wae wrestling, and I resent it being shoved doon ma throat so this cunt can promote his shite film. Fuck Think Like A Man 2, and fuck this segment. Still love yer standup but Kevin! Keep on being tiny and funny oot there in the world ma man!
Adam Rose and Summer Rae vs Fandango and Layla
Fandango and a burd against somedy else wae a burd. Aw the fuckin time. When did he become a specialist mixed tag guy? The match was a farce. Layla and Summer chase each other, Fandango gets distracted by aw the running and bouncing chests, and gets beat wae whitever the fuck ye call Roses finisher. Sick tae death of this now man. Fuckin Adam Rose. DAE SOMETHIN ELSE MATE! Bring back the penguin.
JBLs reaction was my favourite thing about the whole segment, as he watched Adam Rose and Kevin Hart fall backwards aff the apron intae the warm embrace of the Rosebuds. JBL disnae much like the Rosebuds, particularly that wean eating bunny, so he loses his fuckin shit when his wee pal Kevin Hart joins in wae them. “DONT DO IT KEVIN! THINK OF THE CHILDREN! MAGGLE WHY AINT KEVIN THINKIN ABOUT THE CHILDREN? THIS IS MADNESS MAGGLE. THAT BUNNY STOLE MY IDENTITY MAGGLE, I AINT EVEN LYIN”
The Battle Royal
Never been a fan of Battle Royals. Too many cooks in the wan pot ye know? Some notable things happened, so I’ll put them in bullet points for eh…some reason.
- Damien Sandow was dressed as Lebron James, and got papped oot first. I cannae think of any other reason for this treatment he’s gettin besides him pumpin Linda Mcmahon, then wiping his dick on Vince’s favourite curtain, and fleeing intae the night.
- Neither of Rybaxel won, making this an entirely pointless exercise for them, cause they’re all about CRUSHIN IT.
- Titus O’Neil wis there. Whit the fuck’s happened tae Darren Young though? He comes out as gay, the Prime Time Players split, have one match, then Darren Young vanishes of the face of the fuckin earth. They better no be JTG’in him man. He’s a decent wrestler, and his fro is fuckin FIERCE.
- There seemed tae be a lull of about 5 minutes where fuck all happened, cause Battle Royals are terrible. I think I took a chug break when I watched this live actually. Did ye know Tyrians burd fae GoTs used tae dae porn? I didn’t until recently, but its been a startling discovery. Enriched my internet browsing experience muchly.
- Kofi Kingston done some mad shit. Course he did. It wis an over the top rope affair and he was involved. This is pretty much his career now. Eliminated Jack Swagger acrobatically anaw. Good for you Kofi pal.
- At one point 5 or 6 different folk were aw lying at the same corner of the ring. Daein fuck all. Battle Royals are fuckin terrible man. Why yees aw just lying doon?
- Bo Dallas thought he’d papped Reigns out, but of course he hadnt. Reigns was always winning this. Dallas gets papped out but Reigns didnae take his eyes off big Rusev the whole time. Down tae two. Rusev looked strong, but Reignsy prevailed wae the Superman Punch whilst Rusev was on the apron. REIGNS IS GOIN TO WRESTLEMA….Money In The Bank. He’s gaun tae Money in the bank. He’s winning the belts eh? He’s the only one who makes sense that I’d be happy with, so I’m fuckin prayin that he does.
Aye. Battle Royals are pish.
John Cena having a wee natter wae Renee Young. People keep telling me they found this promo funny. They enjoyed it. Am I becoming an Anti Cena guy? I didnae like it ataw. Same auld shite for me. It was delivered wae more conviction than some of his recent stuff, but its the same auld shite. Vickie’s ugly, she looks better wae spew on her face than without. Etc etc. He tells Renee theres a hidden message for the authority in the middle of his hand and that they should try n decode it, but he didnae stick the middle finger up. He stuck the index finger up. Which isn’t in the middle of his hand. Making him a fuckin LIAR. You LIED to me John. I trusted yewwwwww. Hustle, loyalty and LIES. That’s aw you’re about.
Cameron vs Paige
Paige done good things in a gorgeous fashion. I dunno man. I dunno what they’re doing wae her. The Alicia feud had potential but wisnae allowed to flourish, and apart fae that she has pointless matches aw the time. Any progression for anyone here? Cameron isnae terrible, but she’s no great either, so this match does nothing for anyone. Fuckin RAW man.
At this point I’m losing interest in the show and life in general, then outta fuckin naewhere…this happened. I’m still no sure whit it even was, but it was a thing.
So….who seen this coming? After about 6 weeks of Cody losing hunners, and getting down about it, we seemed to finally be heading for the Cody Rhodes vs Goldust feud that we so craved. It was taking fucking ages but, and we went down the strange route of Cody Rhodes leaving the tag-team, and becoming the cunt who tells Goldust who his partner is. So that’s heading for a feud eh? He’s gonnae be at ringside at one point, Goldy and Tensai lose a match tae Jimmy Wang Yang and Festus. Cody jumps in and starts wailing on his brerr, screaming “YOU WERE THE PROBLEM ALL ALONG GOLDFACE…I HATE YOU!” and then they feud forever….but that didnae happen. Stardust happened.
Stardust is essentially a really gid Goldust parody. He has similar mannerisms, a similar look, similar DNA, but theres one key difference between the two. STARDUST IS CODY FUCKIN RHODES MATE. I’m really no sure how I feel about this man. I cannae even let loose and drop some patter about it, cause it makes my erse clench up real tight. Cody Rhodes is a fuckin tremendous wrestler, and seemed on the verge of a decent push when he was feuding wae Sandow last year. Then he becomes Goldust Jr? After months of doing next to fuck all with him and Goldy, this is what they came up wae? Its sound right now. Cause its funny n aw that. Funny and new. New things which double up as funny things, tend tae be good things, but if this is permanent I predict most folk will be ripping the utter pish out of it within a month. So aye, I suppose I should mention what actually happened eh.
Goldy and Stardust squashed Rybaxel in the BIGGEST INJUSTICE IN WWE HISTORY (since Dean got his belt knocked anyway )No fuckin fair neer its no, Ryback and Axel are out there crushin it every week, being the biggest guys they can be, and they get fuckin sahfted by Cody Rhodes in a spacesuit. Fuck wrestling man. Fuck it aw. Its fake anyway. #Justice4DaBigGuy
John Cena vs Kane (Stretcher Match)
A collective sigh consumes the viewing audience as we brace ourselves for this. Why this? John Cena vs Kane matches in 2014 masquerading as something I’m supposed tae give a flying fuck about. I’d rather watch 50 Battle Royals, than a John Cena vs Kane match. Get this pish tae fuck. Stretcher matches are ridiculous anaw. Ye win by battering yer opponent enough that he’s pretty much out cold, then ye put him on a stretcher and gently wheel him towards an ambulance. That’s fuckin heroic is it not? Fuck this pish man. It happened. People used the steel steps as weapons. Cena likes to the throw them these days, so he done that. At one point he has Kane out cold, but the stretcher is aw the way down the aisle. Bearing in mind Kane is incapacitated and stretchers are not heavy, the correct course of action is tae run up and get the stretcher, bring it towards the 300 pounds of deid weight yer gonnae attempt tae put on top of it, and then wheel it tae the finish line. Not in John Cenas world mate. John Cena of course hoists the hauf deid rid machine on tae his shoulders and painstakingly carries him to the stretcher, before trying and failing to dump him on tae it. Know why it failed? CAUSE STRETCHER MATCHES ARE FUCKIN STUPID. THERE HASNT BEEN ONE ON RAW FOR 10 YEARS FOR A FUCKIN REASON, GET THIS PISH OUT MA FACE.
Orton and Rollins came out and battered Cena for some reason. Rollins is gettin ready tae knock Cena out wae a chair then SUPERDEEEEEEEEEEAN saved the day. Clears Orton and Rollins out cause he’s a fuckin brooding, handsome hero of a man. Kane chokeslammed him but, purely cause he wanted feel Dean up a wee bit. I get it ma man. Don’t blame ye ataw. I think every burd on planet earth had a widey for Dean in his new gear, even non wrasslin fans catchin a glimpse of this cunt strolling straight oot the 50s, wae his possessed attitude, and unwavering desire tae knock traitors THE FUCK OUT. A hero amongst men. Whilst I wis slavvering over Deano, Cena won by gently placing Kane on the stretcher via the AA. STRETCHER MATCHES ARE FUCKIN STUPID. BAN THEN OR SUHIN.
Nae 3MB, so despite a dynamite first hour, fuck RAW. Even Dean lookin wonderful in his new gear couldnae save it. 5 inverted atomic drops outta 10. PEACE X