So Smackdown eh. Smackdown being the show which I’m trying to review without slang ERRY SINGUL WEEK (that was foreign slang, so it doesn’t count….leave me alone) I worry about the slang stuff a wee bit. Someone asked recently if the spelling mistakes were a “stylistic thing” which made me wonder how many folk have opened a link to my stuff and found it unintelligible. Writing the way I speak is undoubtedly more fun than writing like this and opens up a million different ways to make things funny, but I can do it this way and still be the most hilarious wrestling reviewer in the fuckin land. Know why? Cause I’m dead clever (my maw tells me that anyway) and for all the comedy possibilities that come along with slang, they can be completely overshadowed by a well timed swear word. So lets gets plain English, and let’s get sweary! C’mon. Walk with me. It’ll be good.
Smackdown kicked off with a wrestling match. I’ve expressed my joy whenever wrestling shows do this, cause for me it let’s the audience know right away that it’s a fucking wrestling show. Too many shows (and by “too many shows” I mean “TNA Impact”) chose to open, close and fill most of the middle of their shows with talking, and d’ye know something guys? Talking isn’t fucking wrestling. Never has been. Know what is wrestling? Seth Rollins vs Kofi Kingston. Which was a short, but predictably entertaining slice of excellence. Seth managed to get the win with the Kerb Stomp without Dean Ambrose knocking fuck out him, which is disappointing in some respects, but not when he shows up on the titantron in all his majesty, cutting a delicious promo, ensuring Seth that his jaw might be safe for now, but be aware, that shit’s about to get jacked sharpish. Seth gives it patter along the lines of “Right you, come ahead!” and Dean basically tells him to shut the fuck up. He’s not buying it. Rollins don’t want none of what Deans got, cause traitors tend to be cowards. They come hand in hand with each other. Fuck Seth Rollins, and everything he stands for. With the exception of the captivating wrestling matches, vastly improved promo work and the sheer genius of how he’s carried himself since the heel turn. In fact, his new gear’s amazing too. Like a superhero/traitorous wank hybrid. But apart from those things….and his hair. He’s got cool hair too. Thats it though. THOSE things aside…FUCK Seth Rollins, and everyone he is, has been or ever will be. These wounds will never heal. I still believe in The Shield.
After the wrestling laden start, with shades of super Ambrose, we had some fucking dire stuff to follow. Always hated these promos when there’s a match with a lot of people in it coming up, and we get them all out to the ring to cut duelling promos. Especially when it starts with Cena talking shite, and that’s followed up by exposure to Del Rio on the mic. I’m a huge Del Rio fan in terms of what he does in the ring, and his hair gel game, but fuck me, he’s torture on the stick. Roman Reigns comes across strong as fuck though, especially in his wee staredown with Cena, and give the eyeless eyesore his due, Orton was pretty decent in his wee bit, before him and Reigns went toe to toe, but aye. Not really a segment I enjoyed, because I had to endure Del Rio saying words and Sheamus being around. It of course descended into a 6 man scrap, and that scrap didn’t end with Cesaro performing various types of uppercuts on the other 5, so that makes it a shiter of a segment overall. After that we had a fucking stoater of a match between Dolph Ziggler and Bad News Barrett. Which contained some of my favourite things in wrestling right now. Some of them you see quite frequently, such as Barrett reversing a move into the erection provoking Winds Of Change, Dolph Ziggler looking down and out often due to his move selling magnificence being felt for all its might, and JBL losing the fucking plot when he Barrett declares that he’s GOT SOME BAAAAD NEWS. This was the best JBL mark out yet btw. The wee “ughhhh” he lets out before Barrett says it combined with the “MAGGLE HE GOT SOME BAD NEWS MAGGLE! I KNEW IT! DID YOU HEAR? HE’S COMING AT US WITH BAD NEWS, THIS IS INCREDIBLE!” follow up, just made my heart sing so it did. There’s something weirdly endearing about JBLs commentary right now, and I dig it heavily. Oh aye, and the other thing I like, which doesn’t happen anywhere near as often as the other stuff wae Dolph Ziggler fuckin winning a match! Against an established guy….. AND he won it cleanly! Its a wee bit sad that this was such a huge moment for an ex World Champion, but after a belter of a match, to see Dolph get the win with a cheeky wee Sunset Flip rollup, was the most beautiful thing. Made exponentially more beautiful by the fact that I didn’t see it coming at all. Could watch Barrett and Ziggler every week. Lets get Superstars and Main Event to fuck, and combine the two shows into a 2 hour weekly Dolph Ziggler Iron Man match. Him vs all the best boaysies. Every week. Fuckin book it.
Next up we had Adam Rose beating Titus O’Neil twice. Why? Fuck knows. You want to find out, you can fuckin watch it, cause I’m not doing it. Not again. I don’t care. I don’t know if I ever cared. Did you? He dances about, eats a lolly, has a prance and thats it. Nae Coffeys = nae party. The fact that he beat Titus twice, when Titus was being touted as a proper bad bastard of a heel with the Prime Time Players split, tells you all you need to know about long term booking strategy with folk lower down the card. It doesn’t exist. Titus is pish btw, but consistency mate. That’s all I ask for.
After that irrelevance, we had the perfect antidote in the form of a Dean Ambrose match, or it would have been the perfect antidote if it wasn’t against the big Red irrelevance Kane. Masked Kane is a busted flush mate. Its done. The corporate angle was clicking brilliantly in the weeks leading up to him turning back into masked kane, so why the fuck did we revert to a gimmick that’s seen its day? Why is it ok for a demon to be such a vain cunt, that he needs to have a wig attached to his mask? Vanity is only demonic if yer beauty routine involves skinning small children, and wearing the skin as a shawl. Fuck Demon Kane. The match was awrite, but ruined by Meddling McTraitorbaws Rollins, on commentary…baiting Dean with his stupid wonderful face. Ambrose leathered him of course, but in leathering him, he took his eye off The Big Read Sleeping Pill, and wound up finding himself on the sharp end of some cauld hard defeat. Rollins Kerb Stomped him too, meaning this episode of Smackdown isn’t one where Dean Ambrose emerges triumphant. Meaning FUCK this episode of Smackdown (See what I mean about the strategically placed swearing? (the strategy being…place swear words fucking everywhere) Its a fuckin laugh riot eh?)(Brackets within (Brackets) are cool too.. Brackception) Anyway aye, bracket based tangents aside, there’s more wrestling to watch here probably. Main event is everyone involved in the WWE World Heavyweight Title (I really fucking despise typing that btw, just thought I’d share that, cause it also doubles up as another excuse for brackets, but aye….an incredibly long name. Hurts my brain and fingers. Get it tae fuck) in a horrendously overbooked 4 on 3 handicap match. Absolutely SOAKIN to see that.
Next up we had disappointment. Zeb Colter cutting a promo that made nothing even approaching sense, as he accuses Big E of being in cahoots with Lana. Big mans had his arse booted from Troon tae Brigadoon by Lanas man, but he’s in cahoots with her aye? Is she drugging the big yin, and inviting Big E to ride her as he lies passed out on the bed aye? Is it that kind of cahoots? Cahoots leading to knockin boots? Just let Big E and Swagger fight and shut the fuck up eh. Zeb has lost a lot of his relevance without Cesaro, and tbh so has Swagger. Who gives much of a fuck now? His feud with Adam Rose was so irrelevant they stopped it without any real conclusion, and now he’s pretty much squash material. Big E makes short work of him here. Various breast based moves (or ‘diddy hits’ if you prefer) rounded off nicely with the Big Ending. These two had a brilliant match for the IC Belt at Elimination Chamber, and now…they do this. Cool. Summer Rae tells Fandango she loves him, and winches him. Layla sees it and gets upset. So naturally Fandango has a wee dance with Summer in the ring, Layla and Summer have a scrap, leading to Layla kicking Fandango in the heid, and Bo Dallas wins. JBL calls it a “BO-ment” in time, which was about the only thing about this which made anything approaching sense in the context of a fucking WRESTLING show. Bo’s starting to annoy me a bit, even though he’s brilliant at the character, cause his finisher is a fuckin bulldog and his painted on smile gives me the boke, but JBLs commentary of his stuff is keeping my interest spiked. I don’t know what it is about JBL right now, but the cunt regularly has me in stitches. Stop being so enjoyable ya cunt, it makes it a lot harder for me to hate you, and I very much enjoy hating things.
Bray Wyatt calls himself “The designer of chaos” and I nearly lost my shit. I think I peed a wee bit. Loved his words here. Always do, but this was concise and fucking breathtaking for me. The simpler the better when it comes to Bray, and my man nailed it here. He’s not winning the belts at MITB, but he’s at least making a decent fist of making folk believe that he might. Weird as fuck watching Bo and then Bray right away. How the fuck are these cunts brothers man? I like Bo now, don’t get me wrong, and they’re both playing their characters brilliantly, but if you showed a non-wrestling fan photos of all the kayfabe brothers WWE have had over the years, stuck Bo and Bray in the mix, and asked them which ones were the real brothers, absolutely nae fuckin way anyone would pick Bo and Bray. Unless that non-wrestling fan is their maw.Fair chance she might be clued up on the situation.
So then we had an exasperating main event. With all 7 men set to battle out for the richest prize in the business next Sunday, naturally we’ll have the heels take on the faces in an overbooked pile of fuckin dung masquerading as a 4 on 3 handicap match. We had a lot of good things happen, but its just lazy booking. We’ve got a PPV to sell, so lump everyone involved in the main event of it into…well into the main event. Of fuckin everything, because they repeated the feat on RAW as well.
Reigns Superman punched Bray off the apron, that was nice. Cesaro and Cena had some decent stuff. Del Rio worked everyones arms and chins. Sheamus screamed FELLLLLLLA in an eagles face. Orton politely asked him where he got an eagle from at this hour at such short notice. Sheamus explains that he actually had this planned for a while. He really loves shouting FELLLLLLLA in the face of birds of prey. Orton accepts the explanation, as does everyone else, but Del Rio gets arsey and starts asking questions so Reigns spears him in half, and wins the match for the good guys. Re-fuckin-joice.
Reignsy, Cena and Sheamus have a weird wee staredown afterwards, before deciding to be pals and wave to people in the crowd for a bit. The End. Overall Smackdown was quite shite; Rollins and Ambrose stuff, and Dolph vs Barrett aside. 6 chinbreakers out of 10. Why chinbreakers? Cause yer erect chin pills aren’t working, and you need to start over. Only way to do that is a clean break. Adapt or perish.