Aye I’m cheating a bit, so whit. Wanna fight abahd it? I cannae be arsed writing a MITB preview AND something else for the Daily Thing, so I figured we’d kill 2 birds wae the one stane and combine the two. I’ve still no reviewed RAW yet either. Fuckin disgrace man. In my defence….I don’t really have a defence, so I’ll shut the fuck up and write this MITB Preview.
GoldRockStarDust vs RyBaxel
I’ve got a wee hunch that the Stardust thing is a swerve, and they’ll lose this match. Leading to Cody snapping out if it, and panning Goldys melt in (That means battering fuck oot him if yer reading this outwith Scotland..oh that disnae make sense either? I’ll try again, it means gien him a doing….widye mean that’s no any better? He’s going to strike him repeatedly in public ok? Ye got it? Good) giving it the “It was your fault all along!” patter. I dunno, I’m mildly obsessed with Goldy and Cody feuding. Its been touted for too long no tae happen. It’s no like they’re inseparable brothers, and the thought alone is harrowing, cause they kinda hated each other for a long time. The Stardust thing was a buzz initially, I’ll gie ye that, but how long till the novelty wears off? Cody Rhodes is far too good tae cut about imitating his big brerr. Faaaaar too good. A cunt who could and should have at least had a shot of the World Heavyweight Belt, before it got lumped wae the WWE wan and turned intae a shiny irrelevance. So aye. I fancy The Big Guy and his best bud tae FEED on Goldy and Starry. Big time revenge feed for the boaysies tae. They were the first cunts tae fall victim to the wrath of Stardust, and they huvnae forgotten it mate. Eat, sleep, feed on geeks, repeat. Thats the Rybaxel way. And these two gold plated fairies are about tae get devoured.
Paige vs Naomi (Divas Title Match)
Hmmmm. Naomi was being touted as the next champion before getting injured, so this is a precarious one for our beautiful pale princess. Aye I’m going wae the princess patter n whit? She’s fuckin precious mate. Nae denying it. This might be Paiges best match as champion to date, but it also might be her last yin, cause the lassie wae aw the jiggle in her wiggle is coming for that belt. I hate tae say it boaysies, but I fancy Naomi tae take the strap here. And we’ll aw console Paige by gently rubbing her back and telling her she’s still the greatest. Might our collective hand have a brief encounter wae that wee apple of hers? Perhaps. Purely by accident though. These things happen. It’s no perverted to appreciate the female form and want tae stick yer tongue aw over it. It’s really no. I looked it up. Totally natural so it is. Anyway…wrestling. Naomi might win. Fin. Let’s move on tae the next match before I do mysell a mischief here.
Summer Rae vs Layla
Nah. Fuck this total divas shite. Nae Fandango in the MITB ladder match cause he’s busy reffing this shite, and winchin aw the lassies. Winchin lassies is nice mate. Its a fun activity, but so is professional wrestling. I’ve had one unsanctioned match in a car park, and it was a thrill (I am the ONE in 1-0 btw #TheStreakLivesOn) so considering the fact that you do it for a living and yer actually rather good at it, try doing that more often. Lets see Fandango be a wrestler again, and Jericho putting the cunt over at Mania might even have some sort of meaning one day. I’ve got a feeling he’ll go back tae Summer Rae here, but none of this should be up in my face on a PPV man. This is Smackdown patter. Get it tae fuck.
Big E vs Rusev
I’m intrigued by this. I’d have expected both of these cunts to be involved in one of the ladder matches. Maybe both of them in the MITB briefcase one, and they have a wee encounter in that, but the fact that they’re having another singles match says a few things tae me. I’m gonnae number those things, and I have nae idea why I’m daein that. Felt right I spose. Here we go…..
1. We’ll get another fuckin promo fae her wae the shiny legs, chattin about America being a dumping ground for the rest of the civilised world, and how Vladimir Putin has a mutual skype wank wae Barack Obamas maw every Thursday. I still want her tae punish me in numerous ways, but I also want her tae shut the fuck up. Forever.
2. They clearly want this to garner some attention on its own, and if its given 10 minutes or so and kept competitive I think it will. They both move well for cunts their size, and are more than capable of providing us wae a solid hard hitting match……but…
3. I reckon Rusev wins, and wins convincingly. Even more of a glorified squash than the last yin. 3 minutes or less. Big E is left dwelling in mid card obscurity for the rest of his days, and Rusev gets pushed towards the top end of the card undeservedly and before he’s close tae being ready for it. I hope I’m wrang, but MITB has the potential to map out a bit of a bleak future if the results go the way I think they will. Imagine a version of this Russia vs USA angle, but its Rusev vs Cena for the belts? Aw man, I’d be sick aw err the place. Aw the time. Constant sickness.
So aye…Rusevs gonnae win. The manner of that victory is hugely important though. I hope they keep Big E lookin strong, but I seriously doubt it. They done fuck all with his IC Title reign, and no much since so he seems tae be old news. Yer no old news tae me big yin. I still believe in the diddies.
The Usos vs Harper and Rowan (Tag Title Match)
It’s braw as fuck that the tag titles are playing such a prominent role on the card, but considering the fact that The Usos have been glorified hauners for anyone The Wyatts try tae batter over the past 2 months or so, I cannae see them retaining. Glorified hauners aren’t strong champions. Too busy being hauners. Even provided hauners for Sheamus last week, dispelling these vicious rumours that they provide hauners for Cena and only Cena. This will be cracking though. Potentially match of the night if both ladder matches turn intae spotfests, this will be the best thing on the card storytelling wise anyway, but the conclusion tae that story is The Wyatts taking hame some shiny belts.
Know what would be cool? If the 11 folk who got released didnae get released at all. The story was put out there as a cover, cause they actually aw get kindapped by The Wyatts. I know that’s no the case, cause Curt Hawkins got released at 2pm and wrestled on an indie at hauf past 3, but that would be nice. Go tae a wee cutscene, and theres all 11 of them wae big beards (even Aksana) Heath Slater vows tae smite the beardy bastards for taking his brothers away from him. Everycunt thought The Shield were a band of brothers, but Rollins ruined that dream. The only true band of brothers in WWE was 3MB. Know who ended their reign at the top? Fuck all to do wae having a traitor in the ranks, it was THE MAN. They had too much heat, and THE MAN couldn’t handle it. Fuckin disgrace. Anyway, whit was I sayin? Aye. Yer Usos are dropping the belts I reckon. Ma main boaysies. When I say UCE, you better fuckin say OH!…I’m no gonnae say it yet like, but when I dae…you better fuckin say OH! Don’t even lie tae me either, cause I’ll know. Ye better dae it.
Money In The Bank Ladder Match (featuring a lot of professional wrestlers)
Who we got? Swaggz? Check. Nae chance he’s winning it though eh. Anything involving him and shiny belts tends not tae go very well. Kofi Kingston? I’d kinda love that. He’s a grafter so he is, and has never been given the credit he deserves. Never been given even a wee sniff at a push and tae me that’s no right. He’s worked for it. It won’t be him either, but him winning it would be a pleasant surprise. Barrett? Unfortunately ruled out with a gammy airm. Which is a fuckin shame, cause him winning it would have been my second favourite outcome for this. Get well soon, ya big monarchy worshipping, justifiably smug bastard ye. RVD? Fuckin better no be him. Seth Rollins? Too obvious I reckon. His push is coming, but he’ll be feuding with whoever actually does win the match if ye ask me, and that’ll be (in an ideal world) either Dolph Ziggler or Dean Ambrose. My favourite outcome is two outcomes. I cannae pick between them. Either Dolph winning it after a captivating performance, and him going on to take his rightful place at the top with a monumental second cash in. RAW after Mania 31. Where he wins the US and IC Belts in a ladder match at Mania itself, then comes oot and cashes in. Found deid the next morning, after suffocating under the sheer tonnage of his ain belt collection.
As lovely an image as that is, for me Dean Ambrose winning it makes more sense. The unease that’ll come fae Triple H and Steph if he does could make for the juiciest of storylines wae Rollins. Triple H putting them in hunners of matches wae the briefcase on the line, and Ambrose prevailing somehow every time. Picturesque matches tae. Aw could ye imagine? Glorious. So aye, of the two ladder matches this is the one I’ve got a tangible stauner for. Cause the other yin worries me. I’ll tell ye why eh.
Ladder match for the vacant WWE World Heavyweight Title (featuring more professional wrestlers, different ones fae the previous match)
I’ll dae the same thing as I done for the last yin, listing yer competitors and what I think of their chances. Kane? Naw. Never. Please god no. Orton? Nut. Done well as champ before. Built up DBry perfectly. Earned a lot of respect for his performance in matches and improvement on the mic during that run, but at the same time…nah. If he wins this, I’m dousing mysell wae petrol, striking a match, deciding against it, and putting it oot. Still though, thats the clothes I’m wearing RUINED. Ye cannae ever get that petrol stink oot. Sheamus? No. Del Rio? Would be confusing as fuck eh. The swerve tae end aw the swerves, cause I don’t think anycunt sees him winning it. Even Del Rio’s maw is doon the Mexican Ladbrokes firing aw her pennies on Roman Reigns. I like ye Bert. Gid wrestler n that, but we aw know yer gonnae work the arm. Constantly. Its auld news pal. Make the backstabber yer finisher and then we can talk. Cesaro eh? Darkhorse. Wae Heyman behind him there’s a wee chance of it. Depends what they’re planning for Lesnar, cause a Cesaro vs Lesnar feud has been touted. How fuckin brilliant would that be? Imagine Brock going for a terribly ill advised Shooting Star Press, and as soon as he goes airborne, Cesaro catches him wae the big uppercut oota naewhere. Sublime. And then we have fuckin Cena….
Cena. Cunts are going on about the leaked Summerslam poster, and they have him winning this. Why? Just cause two guys are on a poster disnae necessarily make that the title match. If Cena’s booked tae win this…I dunno. I’d genuinely despair, and I don’t usually get that way. I don’t usually think I could book it better, but on this occasion…aye, I could book it better. Having Cena win this would be playing it extremely safe, and would be an indication that WWE are shite feart to give the ball to one of the main newbies. I have this vision of Roman Reigns making an epic entrance (I’m so fuckin glad the word ‘epic’ isnae being overused by every arsehole on planet earth now man, It’s a gid word, and I didnae use it for fuckin years cause I related it tae fannies chattin about how ‘epic’ their Blue WKD and smelly finger filled Friday night wis) new music, new gear and at the end, some new belts. As much as I still think Reigns is a wee bit raw on the mic, he’s developed a moveset that fits his character perfectly and the only way tae really find out if he’s ready is tae give him a shot. As for Bray? Is theres a chance? I’d be pleasantly surprised, but after coming out on the losing side of the Cena feud, I just cannae see it. Unless this match comes down to him and Cena and he gets the better of him when it matters. For me that would be the most iconic moment this match could produce. Out of the 8 folk in the match, Bray Wyatt standing on top of that ladder wae both belts in hand, flanked by his comrades carrying the tag belts. That would be the real starting point for this movement. In one night, the Wyatts make WWE theirs.
Nae chance really though is there? It would take a huge set of baws to give Bray they belts. Baws that I don’t think anyone not named Vince McMahon has, but Vince is cuttin costs left, right and centre, and if he feels gien Cena the strap will lead tae a wee bit of extra dough in merch sales short term, he might be tempted to do it.
Anyway, that’s the end of yer MITB Preview, but since it’s the daily thing, here’s a wee video anaw. Cause its a format mate. We’re very strict about this. Patter, video, drawing. Plus, any excuse I can get tae post this, I will be fucking taking it. It’s technically a match so it counts. Here’s Dolph doing that amazing thing he done.
As always, 90s Undertaker asks that you practice good road safety.