Money In The Bank eh. A wrestling show. Don’t mistake this for a review btw, I’ll do that properly at some point. This is more of an initial reaction thing, although it will contain SPOILERS and many of them, in case ye were daft enough to not get that fae the title. I think ye got it though. Ye seem like a smart guy. That’s what I’ve always liked about you pal. That intuition. That’ll serve ye well in later life. Well, that and the delicious rump ye happen tae be sporting, but this isnae about you and yer terrific tail, it’s about the Money In The Bank PPV.
That PPV was actually a fuckin belter despite the furore about it you probably woke up to this morning. In terms of match quality, and how it was paced it was fucking superb. Opened with a couple of outstanding title matches, which were by far and away the best matches both champions have had in their reigns so far. The Usos overcoming Luke Harper and Erick Rowan in a pleasantly surprising finish which saw The Usos retain clean as a fuckin whistle. Here’s why I properly love The Usos (not in a bum touching, boaby rubbin type of way like, but they’re my brahs) cause they combine a remarkable aptness for daein aw the flippy fast paced shit with some excellent storytelling. Easily the best tag team to come along in the past 10 years in WWE in terms of storytelling, and for me they have single-handedly made the tag division notable again. Paige also retained her belt in an excellent encounter with Naomi. First time Paige has actually been allowed tae WRESTLE in her reign as champ, and considering she was in their wae one of the most talented lassies on the roster, the shit was bound tae be bananas. So a fucking stellar start tae the show eh. On the right track. Start high and get higher that’s whit I say. Nae lulls here.
Well, apart fae this lull right here. Fuckin Adam Rose man. I never got the Leo Kruger gimmick or why cunts gave any resemblance of a fuck about it. The weird foreign guy who folk are a bit wary of gimmick has been tried before. It rarely works. Unless you’re shaped like Kamala, look exactly like Kamala, and you happen to be named “Kamala” get it tae fuck oot ma face. Then he changed to Adam Rose, and initially folk were intae it cause he had the catchiest of tunes, but see now? Nah. I’m by wae even giving it the time of day, particularly when giving it the time of day requires me to watch Damien Sandow be humiliated and forced to job after outperforming his opponent by a hunner thousand million times in a wrestling sense. Even whilst forced to wear fuckin pantomime costumes and stupid hats, he can still wrestle rings round this cunt. Get Adam Rose tae fuck, or dae something approaching interesting wae him. Please. I’m asking nice, and I’ll gie ye a sly wee hauny if you’ll dae me this favour. Don’t tell a fuckin soul about the hauny but. Wonder who Sandow was gien haunys to that led tae this dramatic fall from grace. Maybe Linda McMahons packin a wee boaby and he wis giving her wrist relief and telling folk about it?
Then we had the first ladder match, and for me the match of the night. It just struck the right balance between spotfest, and good storytelling for me. With Ziggler, Ambrose and Rollins all looking like genuine threats throughout. See that fuckin superplex Ambrose hit Rollins wae aff the top of the ladder anaw? Easily one of my favourite bumps in wrestling. It was never in danger of hurting either of them, but it was fucking inch perfect in terms of emphasis. Folk will talk more about the backdrop on to the ladder that Rollins took, but I’m aw about the superplex. I was not aw about Kane helping Rollins win it though. Fuckin Kane and Triple H, all over everything. Like its 2002 or suhin. Here’s whit tae dae instead of bein all over everything guys. For me. Please dae this instead…GET TAE FUCK.
Much love for the pop Ambrose got when he returned tae the match right enough, after being forced tae the back by a gammy shoulder. Rumour has it that he repaired said shoulder, by rubbing savlon on it and screaming “WHY WONT YOU WORK, YOU FUCKING IMBECILE! I WILL RIP YOU OUT AND REPLACE YOU WITH EVAN BOURNES RIGHT KNEE IF YOU DONT FUCKIN WAKE UP” before it eventually came tae life again. I thought it was Deanos moment. It made sense, but as long as it leads tae Rollins and Ambrose feuding forever, I don’t gie much of a fuck.
After that we had Big E vs Rusev I think. I cannae mind the order exactly, but thankfully it was the match I wanted it tae be. 10 minutes-ish of two big brawlers knocking fuck oot each other, with Big E looking strong as fuck throughout. Hit that spear through the ropes he does, and Rusev sold it beautifully while Lana screamed at the top of her lungs for him tae wake the fuck up. Lanas been grating on me recently, and her promos are still exactly the same every week, but she was crackin a ringside during this yin. First time Rusevs needed a manager tae fuckin manage him, and she was very effective in getting Rusevs arse in gear and getting him back in amongst this. The finish was brilliantly worked anaw. With Big E fighting hard and nearly getting out of The Accolade (Camel Clutch though..its a Camel Clutch, he does fuck all different and isnae called Scott Steiner, so he’s nae right tae be giving it other names) before eventually having tae tap. If they dae this kind of thing wae Rusev going forward, it might work. Putting him in wae folk who you expect to challenge him, and having him work proper wrestling matches, wae a beginning, middle and end. Even a few moves fae the other guy? It could make Rusev, cause his in ring style is unique, and his burd transcends sexual preference so she does. I want her tae gently pull my eyeball out, caress is gently, then SQUASH IT in the palm of her hand. Cause that’s why they gie ye two eyes eh? Tae get yer sexual kicks by watching a demented fake Russian lassie crush yer eyeball, and laugh while she does it.
So whit was left? Oh aye. Goldy and his new pal Stardust taking on Rybaxel. A few things. Firstly, I’m definitely no a fan of the Stardust thing. Its quirky and aw that, initially it was amusing and interesting tae see how Cody adapted tae the Stardust thing but he’s far too good tae be reduced to imitating his brother. The heel turn I was looking for here never came, and instead we had half brothers, painted in gold and black, and wearing jumpsuits, staring longingly intae each others eyes. Both with an identical stream of froth dribbling oot their dirty gubs. Call me auld fashioned, but I’m just no intae brothers looking at each other like they want tae make very gold, and very very illegal love.
Axel debuted some new Mr Perfectesque gear (some folk suggested it was actually Ryback inspired, which made me want tae swing on fools…yees fuckin kiddin?) and Ryback was as Big, and Guy-ish as ever, so why are the main geek batterers, and best pals in WWE were told tae job tae these confused looking gold creatures is beyond me. Dae folk in WWEs head office know that Ryback and Axel are out there crushin it and gien aw the nerds wedgies? Every fuckin day nae less, push Rybaxel or get stuffed in yer locker mate. You’ve been warned. It was nice tae see a ring filled wae cunts that have cool dads though. The Rhodezies have Dusty, Axel had Mr Perfect, and Ryback has the guy who taught him how to be the biggest guy he could possibly be.
Then we had Layla vs Summer Rae, and I don’t give a fuck. Ever.
Which brings us nicely to thing everyones upset about. I’ll tell ye whit the real problem about this was for me before we discuss the thing that’s got everyone aw upset. Triple H. He’s my problem right now. I was sleepy as fuck when this match was about tae start, but I was fuckin…intae it. Know that way? When yer up late watching something, and ye know that if ye tried to fall asleep, you’d get there nae bother, but yer interest in whatever you happen to be watching keeps ye bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Dropping an eccie in yer red bull disnae hurt either, but that’s besides the point. The point is, as depressing as the outcome of this match was, Triple H being involved in EVERYTHING is a bigger problem for me. He drags the tone of everything down, and his effectiveness as a heel authority figure has diminished cause tae be perfectly honest, his wife is 10x better at it than him. His shtick is always the same, whoever he’s aiming his promo at gets the equivalent of an auld wuman wagging the finger in his or her face, while the Beak accompanies said finger wagging wae scrunching his face up, like a team of piranhas just started tearing intae his arsecheeks and he’s trying no tae look like he’s finding it sare. Get Triple H oot ma face.
Would it have been better if Wyatt, Cesaro or Reigns won the match? Of course it would have. WWE have to give someone new a shot at some point, and I believe they will before the end of the year, but as much as its horrendously unimaginative booking tae gie Cena the strap, it’s still a MUUUUCH better option than anycunt else in that match that I didnae name in the previous sentence. Cena has been having top quality matches in main events for fucking years now, and disnae get enough credit for that. So yes, the belts should probably have been given tae somecunt new. We’re all dissapointed they didnae, but how many will still be whinging about it if him and Brock serve up a 5 star belter at Summerslam? I don’t think they will mind you, but thats a marquee match for WWE. PPV buys, network subscriptions and merch shiftin will increase tenfold, and at the end of the day, sometimes the best decision is the best business decision (fuckin channelling Triple H here, the very cunt I was slaggin fuck oota before! I’ve become the problem) Would you say Reigns is definitely ready at this point? I widnae. Still hit or miss on the mic, and has had more mediocre singles matches than good ones. Is Bray Wyatt ready? I’d say he’s close, but after coming out on the losing end of the Cena feud (which created this problem in the first place if ye ask me, but thats another issue entirely. If Wyatt came out on top in that feud, the belts would have been his. Convinced of that. The question is, why didn’t Cena put him over?) Is Cesaro ready? I dunno if he’ll ever be a guy they’d give the main strap tae, as much as it depresses me tae say it. In terms of being able to carry the belt and have matches that justifies him having it? Absolutely, but he’s yet tae really project himself tae the audience as a character.
So who does that leave? Fucking Cena. The only other option that makes anything approaching sense. Don’t be upset wae Cena, or upset wae the people who made the decision tae give Cena the belt. Be upset wae the erratic, slightly aimless booking in the months leading up tae this match that led tae Cena being a viable option after it was clear that DBrys injury was legit and would keep him sidelined for a while. That’s the real crime. Wyatt not standing over Cena in victory after that Last Man Standing match, wae his arms out basking in the glow of destroying an idol. Instead we got a great match, ruined by a terrible finish. A finish which diminished Wyatts credibility hugely. So we usher in another Cena reign, and we’ll just need tae fuckin deal wae it eh? Rollins has the briefcase and has The Authority behind him, so we might even see a quick cash-in. If we don’t? There’s still inevitably a Rollins vs Ambrose Feud on the cards, Dolph Ziggler is kinda relevant again, and Reignsy will get his shot. He’ll probably need tae burst Orton a few times first, but his time will come.
This is why ye shouldnae be too upset wae Cena having the belt. Cause when the time is right, he puts the next ‘guy’ over. And when he does it, the match is ALWAYS braw as fuck. Like this yin.
The Beak gets his erse handed to him by Bret Hart in today’s drawing, cause fuck The Beak. I think I might hate him cause I blame him for Seth being a traitorous wankstain. Seth wouldn’t do these things without somecut having a word in his ear eh? He widnae turn on his brothers. Nae way. The majestic procurer of souls that he is. Fuck Seth Rollins.