WWE RAW Review – 23/06/2014

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Here’s the thing guys. I really fuckin liked RAW last week. Hunners and millions. The most complete RAW in months if ye ask me. A belter. So that made me think a wee bit so it did. I’m no a big fan of thinking. It gets in the way of havering shite, and living haphazardly, but aye. I was thinking, if I really liked the show, and I really like writing, why the fuck wis I no buzzing tae get a review done right away? Last year, if RAW was properly good, I’d either start writing right after the show finished, or first thing the next morning. Yet here I sit, 3 hours before MITBs due tae start, n there’s still nae review for the final RAW before it, then it fuckin clicked.

Guys. I think I fell outta love wae reviewing RAW. 😮

Or maybe it fell out of love wae me? I dunno. Its been a year and a bit that I’ve been reviewing this shit, and that amount of exposure tae me tends tae turn folk sour, so maybe its more a case of it getting sick of me than me getting sick of it, but I’ll tell ye whit I’m gonnae dae. I’m gonnae try and get the love back. I’m gonnae review it a bit differently this week and gush about the many positives that the show contained. Straight up fuckin leakin aw the positive vibes, all over you and that sexy boady of yours. Mess ye right up. Ye intae it? I know I’m intae it. Typed myself intae quite the frenzy here, so lets get tae it. Its about ta get NAWTY.

Stephanie Mcmahon berates Vickie Guerrero

So why did I love this? Well, for a start Steph was looking absolutely fuckin svelte in that wee dress. Is that the right word? I’m gonnae look svelte up the noo and see. Yes. Slender and elegant. Fuckin perfect. She was being a right meanie anaw, and whilst I’m usually intae that, there is a degree of nastiness about it when it comes to Vickie. It feels more real. No intae that, nor was I intae the fact that she made Vickie beg, but I was very much intae the fact that Vickie channelled the spirit of Eddie in the end. Viva La Fuckin RAZA ma man. Lovely so it wis. She eventually gets sick of Steph, and her stupit bulldog chewin a wasp expression, and gleefully accepts Stephs challenge of a match. If Vickie wins, she keeps her job, if she loses, she sleeps with the fishes. Vickie correctly tells Steph thats there’s one name that hauds more weight in the wrestling business than the McMahon name, and that name is GUERRERO. Eddie taught her how tae lie, cheat and steal before he sadly passed and he also taught her how tae crack stupit entitled wee bitches square on the fuckin jaw. Lit that…KAPOW! So aye. Loved Vickies feistyness coming through after a shaky start of her daein a bit of begging n that.

Harper and Rowan vs The Usos (In seperate singles matches)

So what did I like about this segment? Well they got a win each. Wae Harper beating Jimmy Uso, and Rowan losing tae Jey. I enjoyed that. Both teams keep a degree of strength going in to Money In The Bank. I liked that The Usos done a lot of superkicking and jumping aboot, cause that’s always fun eh? Energetic identical men, having a wee jump aboot. I also enjoyed Harper near taking one of those energetic fellas heids clean aff wae a big lariat. That wis nifty. So aye. Lots of good things happening here. The bad things were mainly the things that involved Erick Rowan wrestling, cause he’s no very good at it, but d’ye know whit? We cannae aw be good at anything. He IS really good at being tall and having a ginger beard. Underrated skills. There was a wee rammy after the matches, and of course Harper and Rowan came out on top, cause they’re about three times the size of the Usos. They lifted the belts above their bearded noggins after it anaw, because they’re cheeky bastards. AW know whit else I liked. The fact that Harper and Rowan have their own music now, and its a creepy mouth organ sounding version of He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands. So aye. No a hugely significant segment, but I liked it. Builds up their match at MITB, where sadly I reckon Harper and Rowan raising the belts above their heids wont be cheeky nonsense, but a right they have earned from winning the tag belts. I enjoyed yer reign boaysies, and I’ll never forget the buzz I got personally fae yees winning it, but its probably over. Nae luck.

Then Bray spoke. He spoke of his brothers annihilating those placed in front of them. He spoke clearly, concisely and wonderfully and my final analysis on that shit is that it was terrific. A wonderful treat for the ears, eyes and everything in between. 

We’re keeping it positive, so I’ll no say much about the VT involving Lana calling Washington shite, and telling us people shouldn’t go there, they should wank tae pictures of Vladimir Putin and sniff their ain armpits while they dae it. I dunno. I’m so fucking sick of this I could greet. I might greet. I did greet. Feel better noo. On tae the next thing.

Naomi vs Alicia Fox, Cameron’s an idiot

I’m surprised Cameron could keep her shit together on commentary, as her and Paige exchanged awful insults while they watched Naomi vs Alicia Fox. Why? Cause one half of Camerons FAVOURITE MATCH EVER was in that ring. The bold Alicia Fox, fae that classic Alicia Fox vs Melina match that nae cunt remembers apart fae Cameron, and eh…well probably just her. I doubt Alicia even remembers it, and Melina disnae exist anymore. Hink she lost an eye in a freak badminton accident or John Morrison let the juice loose directly intae it. I really don’t fuckin know. I’m struggling tae find positives for this, apart fae the match itself being passable, and Naomi lookin fuckin STRONG at the end of it. Planting Alicia wae a finisher that disnae involve her decapitating folk wae her magnificent erse. Cameron was also talking shite about Naomi during her commentary sting, so she’s heel now it would appear. Or she would be if she wisnae a stuttering, daft mess.

Titus Bo Neil

Ye see, that’s clever because it was Titus vs Bo, and I combined their names. Oh that’s no clever? Well fuck ye then. This keeping positive thing really isnae working out is it. I cannae help but love every Bo Dallas segment in a way though, purely cause of how very excited JBL gets. Bo kinda rips the cunt outta Titus getting his arsed handed to him twice by Adam Rose, before getting his jaw cracked 4 or 5 times. He composes himself, to duck under a clothesline and get the win with the RUNNING BO DAWG MAGGLE. THIS MAN IS 9 AND BO RIGHT NOW, THE STREAK LIVES!

Triple H, Rollins vs RVD…AMBROSE!

Aye so. Triple H is starting to get on my fuckin tits again. I know I’m trying to keep this positive. I really did love this episode of RAW, but I’m sick of the cunt and his room darkener of a beak. He pretty much confirms that he’s been holding Ziggler back in this wee segment anaw, where he reveals the MITB match competitors. Zigglers one of them despite us all thinking that Hunter disnae like him. So you referencing it is your way of confirming that ye dont like him eh? Ya sleekit fuckin toad. He’s also responsible for Seth betraying us all, and we should never ever forget that. Fuck Triple H and everything he stands for, and aw here we go again traitorface Rollins oot for a word wae us.

Cunto assures us he’s winning the MITB contract, and blah blah fuckin blah. He created The Shield. Ambrose and Reigns would be nothing without him. Aye mate. I’ve heard it. Of all the cunts I thought might save this segment, I didnae have RVD down as one of them, but he really did make it watchable. Hits out wae hilariously stoned sounding patter, where he accuses Rollins and The Beak of underestimating him, before going on to remind them that he crushed Hunters stupit windpipe in the first Elimination Chamber match, and oh aye. Its time for him and Seth to have a match now. That’ll be fun.

RVD done a fair bit of diving on Seth early on, before Seth took over with a slick combination of suplexes. Three of them. It took a while for me to click that it was paying homage to Eddie Guerrero cause I’m a fuckin dolt, but aye. Good on him. More people should pay homage tae Eddie Guerrero cause he’s the best of cunts. When Vickie was giein it the lie, cheat and steal patter I had a wee tear in my eye, and that would turn intae a full blown bubble later on, but we’ll get tae that. Back tae this match. Things continued to happen. RVD went for the frog splash, but Rollins blocked it, so RVD planted him with a sexy wee bit of tornado ddt action instead. He gets froggy again, but this time Seth moved, and hit the kerb stomp for the wi…..NOPE. AMBROSE TIME

I. Fuckin. Love. Dean. Ambrose.

He fights for what’s fuckin right mate. He’s still on a relentless crusade for justice, and after he smashed fuck outta Rollins. Forcefully enough for him to run away like the corwardly wee tert that he is, Ambrose insists that the best course of action from this point on would be to put him in the MITB match, cause if ye dont he’s just gonnae ruin the PPV anyway. He’ll show up in Boston, take the briefcase and literally murder everyone in the arena. Book him in the match, and he’ll only murder Seth. Simple as that. He also dropped the mic before he was finished talking, before angrily picking it up again like it was the mics fault, and its impossible to not find that fuckin hugely endearing in every way. Dean Ambrose is the greatest man on planet earth. End of fuckin story.

Seth encourages Trips tae put Ambrose in the match, so he can keep an eye on him. Aye thats probably wise Seth. Ye want to be able tae say ye were lookin yer killer in the eye before the last bit of light finally faded fae yer traitorous eyes. 

Bad News Barrett vs Dolph Ziggler (IC Title)

A glorious match. Barrett had some bad news before it about Washington having a racist NFL team, much to JBLs great excitement. AH KNEW IT MAGGLE! THAT BOY ALWAYS GOT BAD NEWS! We all knew Dolph wisnae taking the strap here, but the story that unfolded in the process. Elbowed each other so they did. Right where its sare. Right tae the ribs. An elbow each. Elbows followed by numerous jabs in various forms by Dolph, then BOOM. Winds of Change. The single greatest move that never pins anycunt (bar the the backstabber) Ziggler kicks out at 2, and suddenly ZIG ZAG. Nae way…is he gonnae dae it? He surely cannae dae it. Nah…he did not do it. Barrett rolls out to safety, before rolling back in just in time to catch 10 elbow drops. Elbys tae the hert.
Barrett heard that folk were saying that wis the best elbow drop of the match so far, and he wis lit that “I’m afraid I’ve got some baaaaad news….” nailed the Mick Foley elbow drop off the apron and went lit that “That was actually the best elbow drop of the match..not your silly 10 elbow drop to the heart thing Dolph Ziggler just done, which is time-consuming and stupid…just like his World Heavyweight Title run…THANK YOU VERY MUCH”  Oh Barrett, yer such a menace.

Mad top rope facebuster thing from Dolph left Barretts face decidedly busted. Must no have been a fan of that Bad News segment I was just chattin about, entirely fabricated as it was, it really hurt his fabricated feelings. Wasteland fae Barrett. We’re too’ing and fro’ing here troops. A rollercoaster ride. Ziggler scratches and crawls tae his feet, just in time tae duck under the BULLHAYMURR before hitting the fame-asser in response. Its never won ye a match yet ma man, simmer the fuck doon. Dolph goes for a splash in the corner and KABLAMO! Bullhammer tae the side of the heid. Glorious match brought to a beautiful conclusion. 

If you didnae shed a tear, there’s something wrong with ye. When that music hit…if you didn’t find yourself overcome with emotion, you’re probably dead inside. Should maybe look intae sorting that out. Latino fuckin heat. VIVA LA RAZA ma man. Nah. I cannae. I’m reviewing this a whole week later and its still got me. Jesus fuckin christ. In case ye didnae see the show, or your short term memory’s fucked, Vickie came out to Eddies music. It was too much. Its all….aw fuck. Its all wrong.

The segment was done very well I thought. Considering how poorly (at least storyline wise) Vickies been treated at times, to let her go out on a high was classy. Steph tells Vickie that the match isn’t a wrestling match, but the match was actually some kind of contest to see who could throw their opponents in a pit of lentil soup first. A troupe of terts stoat out to seemingly usher Vickie towards the soup pit, but Vickie fights them all off. Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendes and Layla all take a one way ticket tae soupsville, before Vickie gets a YES! chant going, just in time for Steph tae VOLLEY her right in the back. Face first in the gunge. She gets a wee bit too cocky wae it. A wee bit too braggy. Vickies just lot her job mind. Fuck all stopping her actually drowning ye hen, bar the potential criminal prosecutions that might come wae that. Steph was masterful here. Having a wee jig and singing “na na na…goodbye” behind Vickies back, so naturally Vickie sling her intae the soup. Did I get a wee burst of joy fae seeing Steph covered in dirty sticky stuff? Perhaps mate, but it didnae detract from what was a smashin moment for Vickie. I hope we’ve no seen the last of her, cause in an era where shit has tended to be a wee bit boring, she at least provided moments that spiked yer interest, and she should be given a huge amount of credit for that. Cheers Vickie hen, catch ye efter. 

VIVA LA RAZA!!!!

I still dunno if I’m intae this Stardust thing. Give Cody his due, just like every gimmick they hand him, he disnae half arse it, but it feels like a wee brerr copying a big brerr, and I’m no intae that cause Cody is 100000 million times better than that. He has a wee song in a backstage segment in the Stardust gear, and that was smashin. Goldys reaction was crackin anaw. Fine. I might have been intae that segment, but the novelty will wear off. Mark my words. Mark them. Right now. Take a fuckin note. I dares ye.

Swagger and Kofi

So this happened. Swagger won wae the Anklelock after burstin his nose earlier in the match. Nice to see Swagger win. Match was good. No a great deal more to tae be said. Well there is. I could say hunners, but I cannae be fucked. Wrestling.

OH SNAP! Cesaro tells Del Rio he would talk to him, but he only speaks 5 languages and none of them are LOSER! Aw he got you. Egg on your dial big man. Del Rio’s rendered speechless, cause the language of the loser is an entirely silent one.

Sandow dressed as Abe Lincoln and got a doing aff Big E

Lets pick this apart for a second eh. Let’s get down to the details of it. Sandow was dressed as an American icon. Big E, who has been representing the USA int his terrible feud wae Rusev, comes and gives him a doing. Aw the clotheslines, belly to belly suplexes, and Big Endings you can handle. Puts Sandow tae the sword. Sandown and out! (Belter, that’s gaun in the joke journal) then Big E gets on that mic and cuts a stupid promo in a daft preacher voice, before Lana appears and tells him pride comes before the fall. Rusev blindsides our Big E, and the shimmering diddied preacher man gets his back broke wae yon Accolade. Here’s the thing that clicked wae me not long after the match though…technically Rusev came to the aid of Abe Lincoln here. Rusev the anti American guy, came to the aid of an ex US president, and man of the people, and put his tormentor in his place in an act of unmatched bravery.

Cena, Reigns and the other face…aye its Sheamus eh? vs The Heels 

Ugh. The match was fuck all. It meant fuck all. I hate this shite. I’m half arsing this tae fuck like, but I’m no watching this pointless match again. I’ll tell ye whits pertinent, or at least what seemed pertinent at the time.

The match ends wae Sheamus near taking Cesaros heid aff wae the Brogue. All of a sudden yer thinking “Maybe Sheamus could win the belts!” and all that remains in the world is people looking at each other, sighing, and shaking their heids ruefully. Kane comes oot and flattens everycunt, before being revealed as the 8th entrant intae this WWE World Heavyweight Title ladder match. Trips stands up the aisle looking smug as fuck. Kane gets a spot in the match after losing his qualifying match the week before? Aye cool. Anyway. The significant info eh. As Kanes music plays and he gets busy wae the pyro, Reigns appears outta nowhere and spears the cunt out his boots. Why does that feel significant? Cause it means Reingsy’s taking the belts eh! Course it does. Any other outcome would just be silliness. 😉

So aye. I really liked last weeks RAW, but I left it too late tae really capture its brawness in the form of a review. Might be delegating RAW reviewing to my staff for a while tae I get my juices back. This review was not juicy. Not juicy at all.

8 shoulderbreakers outta 10. Fuckin shoulderbreaker. Even the move I picked for this stupid bit was boring as fuck. Nae good ataw.

 

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