As per usual wae the aftermath of a big house party, there’s a lot tae contend with. First and foremost, everycunt’s hungover. Even those who did not partake in any alcohol or swedge consumption are suffering. I spent all of Monday lying motionless in a sweaty heap, while my pal whiteyed in my toilet, cause Sunday just…I dunno. It done that tae ye. It took every single ounce of energy you could muster, then booted you hard in the chest, rendering ye a pile of useless flesh…in the best way possible. DNA and a bone structure, thats all you are now. Maybe thats all ye ever were. The point is, Shugs House Party wasn’t the best wrestling show ICW have put on this year, but it was…momentous. A special night for the company and for everyone who gives a fuck about it, and its taken me a gid 24 hours just tae let it all sink before trying to put words on it that make any degree of sense. Continue reading
I’m a fan of simple titles for things. The words will do the talking know what I mean? Flashy titles tends to mean pish writing if ye ask me. So with the interviews its always just “An Interview With *insert name*” and thats that. Had tae make a slight exception here because this is an interview with Kenny Williams, and Kenny is the fuckin bollocks. No question. Kenny is one of the fastest rising stars in Scottish Wrestling, and a fan favourite everywhere he goes because he gets it. He knows what folk want from a wrestling show. They want entertainment. They want cunts knocking their pan in to provide that entertainment, and some of them even want the guys providing said entertainment to have more product in their hair than a burd in a beauty pageant. Kenny Williams has it all. When he first debuted alongside Christopher in ICW, my first thought was “aww whit, ANOTHER one of these wee fannies?” but we soon seen Kenny was nae joke. Him and Christopher’s match with the NAK at ICWs Maryhill show was when most of us realised Kenny was legit. Kenny is the bollocks.
The bollocks took some time out of his busy schedule of being a globetrotting professional sha….I mean wrestler, to answer a few questions for his pals at Snapmare Necks (thats us btw) so you should probably go right ahead and read that shit. Its waiting for ye. Down there. See it? Just below this? Thats the one. In amongst it.
Come on over tae our place. AYE YOU! We’re having a party. Jabs be stingin, and steel chairs swinging, baby come on over tae mine….. And so on and so forth. Aye thats right, starting off a preview for a wrestling show wae a parody of Come on Over To My Place, cause this is not yer average wrestling show. Nor it is yer average house party. It’s a wicked combination of both. A house party with wrestling matches, wrestling angles progressing in various ways, wrestling merchandise being procured, wrestling booze being consumed, wrestling burds being felt up, wrestling swedgers being gubbed in the toilets, wrestling ketamine being stu…well ye get the point. Wrestling things. Perty things. All rolled intae one. This is ICWs second consecutive sell out at the 02 ABC, but because they were allowed to shift a few more tickets than last time, it’s officially ICWS BIGGEST crowd. The biggest thing happening in Glesga this weekend, cause fuck cycling, and fuck swimming, and fuck The Chris Hoy Velodrome, and fuck Celtic Park (only kiddin) and fuck everything that isnae happening at the ABC on Sunday. Everything. Toon better no be fuckin heaving wae commonwealth games punters man. I don’t want tae be superman punching Samoan tourists cause they’re dawdling and making me late for my bus, knahmean? It seems exhausting and we’ll all be needin all the energy we can muster tae make it through what’s sure to be a stoater of a show.
Card. Subject. To. Fuckin. Change. Always.
Life used to be a mystery. Every now and again, people did have tae stand alone. But when Simon Cassidy uttered the words “and you’re NEWWWWWW Pro Wrestling ELite Heavyweight Champion….GRAAAAAADO” It felt like………….
This might be it troops. This might be the moment it happens. Grado finally getting some gold roon that waist of his. If you read my shit, you’ll know I have an appreciation for folk who are good at what they do. If its goodies, baddies, inbetweenies and any other manner of cunt. As long as there’s a dedication to making it fuckin good, I’m intae it, and Grado is the best goodie in the game. He keeps ye invested in his story, even if you can occasionally grow tired of the same routine and thats part of the magic for me. The main reason that I don’t think there’s ever gonnae be a day where I don’t consider myself a fan. So this event might just be vindication for him. An event named after him, which is a bawhair off selling out. In his home town, AND he’s going after the belt? It all seems perfectly poised for Grado to have his moment. Grado going intae the lions den against big Dave Mastiff isnae the only thing on the card though. It’s fuckin stacked with good shit, so I’ll attempt to make that good shit sound even better with a wee preview eh? Aye fuck it. Let’s do just that.
Some people are born to do certain things in professional wrestling. To the point that once they find that thing, or it finds them, that there’s really nae point in trying to do anything else. I realise indie wrestlers have to get used to playing different roles in different promotions, but sometimes there’s nae point. If you find the thing that you’re masterful at.. The thing that makes people’s jaws drop, and has them eating out the palm of yer hand every single time. Do that thing. Do it over and fucking over again, and when people ask ye why, ask them if they’d ask a dolphin why it swims? Nope. Would they ask an eagle why it flies? Nope. Cause that’s what they were MADE to do. Steve Austin was made tae wear waistcoats, batter fuck out his boss, and soak everything within a 50 foot radius of him in beer. He CAN do other things, but asking him to would be a waste of everycunts time. Asking Virgil to show up at an autograph signing and actually sign some autographs would be fuckin daft anaw. He goes to those things tae be photographed looking miserable and lonely. That’s what he was made to do in professional wrestling, and Jimmy Havoc was made to do something in professional wrestling also. Jimmy Havoc was made to make you hate him with every fibre of your being.
Wrestling can be a bit ruthless eh. Sometimes people who were integral in making something a success can be forgotten a wee bit if they aren’t central to the success that thing is currently having. That’s the feeling I get a wee bit about Red Lightning and Scottish Wrestling. In my early days as an ICW fan, Red was fucking gold in my eyes. A true heel champion in the sense that you felt a real burning hatred for him coming from…well pretty much everyone. Fans, promoters, his peers, and particularly the guy who had to fix the dent his coupon left on that shutter Wolfgang slung him intae in Maryhill. A palpable dislike that seemingly went beyond who he was as a wrestler. In reality, Red Lightning as sound as they come, so the fact that he’s had a few people so convinced of his arseholeyness that they’ve seen fit to offer him a square go says it all about his ability.
I was supposed to be having a few weeks off fae RAW duties, safe in the knowledge that my staff had it covered. Last week I called upon Connie. A respected wrestling reviewer, and prominent member of the deid eyed goth community. She gave a detailed and highly entertaining review of the show. One I enjoyed thoroughly. In the interest of fairness and keeping morale levels among the workforce up, I decided to call upon the other member of my staff, a certain dickpiece by the name of Daaaaavey who made a big song and dance about how he had to get back intae reviewing mode for this gig, and the cunt’s no even came up wae the goods. So here I am, in the middle of a wee hiatus fae WWE…fuckin reviewing some WWE.
I’m no rewatching it, so it’ll be a brief rundown of the things I can remember and how they affected me physically and mentally. Example – “Edge returned to action, cashing in his ‘Coppers in a pot’ contract for a US Title shot, which he lost after having the top part of his jaw Brogue Kicked into the fucking sun, I found this segment to be ok. Ok but boring at the same time. Bo-K’
With the format laid out to you, shall we proceed? Aye fuck it. Lets
Roman Reigns kicked off the show, cutting an extremely erotic (I men eh…..confident) promo where he licks his lips, and calls John Cena a dick. Someone came out. Did anyone come out? I cannae mind. He wants us all to believe he’ll win the fatal 4 way at Battleground. I did for a bit, then i remembered thats daft. He won’t win it. Its Cena vs lesnar at Summerslam probably for the belts. Unless one of them dies. Then it won’t be, cause deid guys can’t officially hold belts.
Dean Ambrose was magnificent as per usual. Battling it out wae Randy Orton in the match of the night, and losing that match cleanly. I fucking loved that in all honesty, cause Dean Ambrose is reckless. He’s unhinged. Unhinged guys sometimes lose. They lose cause they’re too busy being reckless tae give a FUCK about winning. Dean Ambrose is god.
Paige and AJ Lee were a tag team for some reason. Naomi and Cameron officially broke up. Why are the funkadactyls no longer pals but AJ and Paige are? Divas division is a fuckin mess man. Sort that shit out. Get heel AJ feuding wae heel Paige forever, and have them knocking the utter shite out each other in an effort to prove whos the baddest of them all.
Bo Dallas beat El Torito, and the segment re-sold me on Bo, having been a bit fatigued with his routine before. This was fuckin class. Bo showing the violent side when he reacted badly to Torito taking the piss, then knocking him over when he done his wee lap round the ring. HE’S 15 AND BO MAGGLE. THE STREAK LIVES.
Dolph Ziggler lost cause Fandango danced on a table. Just cause he dances go-go, it dont make him a ho no.
Seth Rollins and John Cena had one of the better RAW main events in recent memory. In terms of match quality you could absolutely see why Cena has the belts, and Rollins seems tae be next in line. As much as I think Reigns MIGHT be ready now, he isnae there yet. Then it aw turned intae a stupid bit stramash, with Rollins teasing the cash in AGAIN after Orton and Kane had battered Cena, before Dean Ambrose once again intervened heroically.
Jericho and Miz had a bit of a wrestle. It was fucking good, bar Miz reeling out that eyesore of a figure four and making me spew aw doon myself.
Jericho and Bray Wyatt had one of the best promo duels of the year. This is what Bray and Cena should have been doing, but Cena was too busy trying tae be funny and not putting people over. Its a shame that Jericho isnae really seen as a guy to be taken as a serious threat to Wyatt, cause as good as this feud will be, everyone knows Jericho wont win. He’s there to put folk over, line his pockets, and leave tae sing songs naecunt’s heard. Looking forward to the matches right enough, and I’m delighted Jericho seems to have his old, human shaped chest back. The lease must have been up on that one he was borrowing aff Kofi Kingston. Speaking of Kofi, he beat Cesaro again, this time not on the fuckin app, cause having matches end when the show isnae on air can fuck off, and continue fucking off until off insae even a thing anymore. A forgotten concept. The only way “off” exists, is the continual fucking off that matches ending on the WWE App is doing. Why is Kofi Kingston beating Cesaro? Did this really happen this week, or am I confused? So many questions.
The Usos lost to Harper and Rowan in another brilliant encounter between those two teams. If you’re the type of cunt to complain about WWE doing this match too often, well nae offence, but yer stupid and I hate ye.
Rusev beat RVD in another legit match. RVD had at least 15 offensive moves and even ahd me beleiving he might win for about 15 seconds, so that makes this a fuckin vast improvement to everything Rusev’s done in WWE so far, not including the Big E stuff. Rusev vs face Swagger should be fuckin brillaint. Really looking forward to that.
Sheamus was there.
Nae Big Guy segments whatsoever. Not only did we have nae big guy, we had nae Axe-man either, meaning nae Rybaxel crushin geeks. Nae Rybaxel giving Michael Cole a wedge, and telling him to “stop being a non cold beer drinking coward” . Nae Rybaxel at all, meaning the show might aswell have not fuckin happened.
Last but not least. My main man Bret Hart came strolling out and cut one of the best promos of his career. No really saying much considering he was always pretty shite on the mic, but he was entertaining enough, getting the home crowd going because Damien SandHart came out and hilariously imitated Bret. Claiming he was shite on the mic, having Bret knock him out, before going “Yer right mate, I uhm shite on the mic, but I’m good at punchin cunts” Or words tae that effect.
Overall i thought RAW was a helluva wrestling show. With various men and women daein wrestling things. 7 springboard hurricanrana outta 10. Tune in next week for something that’ll hopefully be better than this shite.
ICW returns to London on Sunday, and that means a number of things. First thing it means is that I might die. I’ve crunched the numbers, and my chances of dying by getting lost in London and being bludgeoned tae death by Boris Johnson and his extremely pointy elbows increase by 100% when I’m actually in London. Second thing it means is that ICW’s coming tae fuck shit up. With a stacked card, a tidal wave of Scottish charm, and an intention tae introduce the concept of ‘gettin chibbed wae a two heided dildo’ tae the London crowd…expect big things. You might have a wee glance at the card and see no ICW Title match…think to yersel “eh whit?” and decide to watch the world cup final in a pub where the bar’s covered in actual real life herpes instead, but fear not, cause the third, and perhaps most important thing, is that Chris Renfrew is in a match with Jack Jester, and Chris Renfrew has a title opportunity any time he fuckin pleases, so if Chris Renfrew decides tae pull a colt 45 out his back pocket, shoot Jack Jester in the head, and cash in right there and then. He is more than entitled to do so. Legally it might be a bit of a grey area like, but the point is, the belt very well might be defended. Even if it isnae, we’ll have 4 guys with death wishes battering each other until there’s no fluid left in their bodies, so ye can fully expect London to be left covered in blood, sweat, pish and probably a wee bit of spunk anaw. Like the dirty midden that it is.
I’m personally going down for two days cause I don’t like money, so if ye fancy buying one of my organs aff Ebay between today and tomorrow, that would really help buy a round when I’m down there. Last I checked it was £5.50 a pint. Even that’s just an empty glass, that yer encouraged tae fill with rain water or yer own tears. Tears you’ll shed as you’re served with a court order to pay the £2000 bill ye got fae Wetherspoons for a plain hamburger. Not getting where I’m going wae this patter? London’s expensive mate. Read between the lines.
Fuck the World Cup Final.
Stevie Boy and Greg Burridge vs The London Riots (ICW Tag Title Match)
Are the belts still on the line here aye? I was hugely excited about this yin anaw, cause as much as I vehemently hate The London Riots, they’re fuckin good. A pair of combative big bruisers, and more importantly…a proper tag team. A cohesive unit of bad bastards. The Bucky Boys also fall intae that category, and both teams are part of an incredibly impressive tag scene in the UK at the moment, so it’s a shame Daveys injury serves to deprive us of this stoater. I won’t lie, I don’t know much about Greg Burridge other than he’s supposed to be fucking good at what he does, so I imagine the match will still be stoatin. No sure if the lineup change increases or decreases the chances of the belts staying in London though. Really depends if there’s plans to book The Riots more regularly eh? I’d fuckin love that tbh, cause as much as my adult cynicism tends to dull any dislike I have for wrestlers, particularly ones from the local indie scene, who appear to be hard-working, decent cunts no matter how unpalatable their wrestling characters seem to be; I manage to successfully despise the Riots. I feel like they’d call me a ‘jock cunt’ and ridicule my fat hamstrings, and even if I tell them my hamstrings urnae that fat, they’d persist until I developed a complex anyway. Fuckin bully boy bastards. But aye. Buckies (or one Bucky and a Burridge as I’m gonnae be calling them) will likely retain.
Grado vs Sha Samuels
This was supposed to happen at the first London show, but Sha Samuels seemed tae be a bit preoccupied making new pals, and proceeding tae batter fuck out of Grado with the help of said pals. Grado had some stellar pals of his own though, as Noam Dar and Wolfgang emerged to take on Sha, Jackie Polo and Rob Cage. This time we’re gonnae get the big guy wae the braces going one on one wae the Grado-one (fuck me, that has tae be the worst patter I’ve ever hit out wae on this blog…I’ve been doing this for over a year mate, I’ve hit out with some honkin shit, but that has to be a candidate for the worst yet, utterly shameful man)
I’ve seen a decent amount of Sha Samuels lately, and he’s a captivating big fella. Proper nasty looking cunt, but technically excellent. Seems the type that would heider ye and knock ye clean out if ye started getting wide wae him in the pub, then he’s calmly wipe your blood from his forehead, sit back down, and continuing doing the right wordy crossword in The Guardian. Cannae see past a Grado win though, because Grado is over as fuck down in London, and if folk are gonnae volunteer to miss a World Cup Final (fuck the World Cup Final though) they want tae see the Stevenston dream land a few haymakers, a wee shake rattle n roll, a bionic elba tae the coupon, mibbe the wee boot/F5 combo (finisher daft) and up the road with the victory in his back pocket.
Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar
I’m no gonnae say a great deal about this. I had a big thing typed out, and it just didnae fit. This speaks for itself really. A match which for some reason has either never happened before, finally gets to see the light of day in London town, as opposed tae you sitting fantasy booking it in yer heid. That sounds a wee bit homoerotic right enough, sittin picturing guys in their pants gettin sweaty; but this is in the name of two of the most talented wrestlers in the country finally getting tae pit their wits against each other. Two of the finest young talents in the whole of Europe having a bit of a grapple for our viewing pleasure. I have only one hope for this, and that hope is that it’s given plenty of time. Even if the finish is full of interference, or Noel Edmonds narrates it by reading his favourite monologue fae the Red Shoe Diaries, I want tae see at least 10-15 minutes of these two engaging in a wrestling masterpiece.
I just cannae see any other outcome than that. A masterpiece. On the odd occasion, two brilliant wrestlers can come together and not have the chemistry most folk expected, but if that’s the case here, I’ll pull ma left ear aff and eat it in front of 500 or so Londoners. Don’t gie a fuck mate. I’ll dae it, and the pain I get from doing that wont even come close tae the pain I’ll feel at the match not meeting my admittedly sky-high expectations. This is gonnae be fuckin AMAZIN. And I really don’t care who wins, cause I love them both equally. If I had tae pick one match between two Scottish talents that we’d yet tae see, it would be this, and considering Drew Mcintyre is a free agent right now, that says a lot.
Aye…mind I said I wisnae gonnae be saying a great deal about this? I lied.
BT Gunn vs Wolfgang
Easily one of my favourite matches of the year when they went at it in Newcastle, seemingly a match we had waited on for the best part of a year, so it’s quite the fuckin privilege to have it happening again so soon. BT Gunn has been having nothing but stoaters for a good while now, and Wolfie seems to have the same momentum he had when he was right at the forefront of the hunt for the ICW Title last year, so this one will be another storytelling classic. The match in Newcastle saw BT gain the win when he cracked Wolfie with Renfrews briefcase, so I expect the big man to have plenty of hauners on standby to ensure this one goes off without a hitch. I fancy Wolfie to win it, evening up the score between the two, setting up a “next goals the winner” type situation where they inevitably go at it again to determine who rules the roost. Who’s it tae be? Will it be the guy that once chopped a trainee so hard, he jump back up his maws fanny for shelter, or the guy who flung his cousin fae 30 feet in the air, down to a baying mob, made up mostly of men who kinda wanted tae kill him. I wouldn’t be quick tae mess with either of these unhinged cunts anyway.
Darkside vs Damian O’Connor
This was perhaps my favourite match from the last London show. Purely because I didn’t expect to be seeing it and it was quite honestly a fuckin belter. That German Suplex James Scott pulled off when Damo was clinging to the ropes might be my favourite move of the year. The shock value of it fuckin blew me away. This will be similarly brilliant, and if he’s in the area, I could see some Joe Hendry involvement clouding it, cause ye fuckin know Damo and him are not done by a long shot. Especially considering the fact that he saw fit to marr the big hitting war Damo and Joe Coffey engaged in down in Newcastle, with a sleekit count handing Joe Coffey the win (after a move which might have got him the win anyway) Either way, I fully anticipate another intriguing match, involving a bear being flung haufway tae Camden taaaaaaaooown via another jaw dropping German Suplex, and that bear no being very happy about the situation. Should I stop referring tae Damo as a bear? If it offends ye big man, let me just say, it’s not intended to. It’s just a laugh cause yer really big, really hairy, and you spend yer winters up the loft sleeping 20 hours a day, and spending the other 4 eating the severed limbs of any motorists who have ever aimed an obscene gesture in your direction. Also, I fancy Darkside tae win, although I’m no hugely confident in that one, cause for a really huge, and seemingly immovable big bastard, Damo has had his fair share of losses since emerging as a true heavyweight wrecking machine in ICW. Know what keeps scary bastards looking scary? Clean pinfall victories mate. Clean pinfall victories, and a solid murder rate. At least 2 or 3 a month, tae keep the levels of fear up.
Mark Coffey vs Kenny Williams (ICW Zero-G Title Match)
It was kinda inevitable that Kenny would find himself in the Zero-G Title picture eventually, and he has a cracking in-ring rapport with Mark Coffey, so we’ll inevitably see some mouthwatering shit here. I’ve got a sneaky wee feeling we’ll see a Coffey vs Coffey feud in ICW before long, so we might see Kenny take the belt eventually, to facilitate that at some point in the future (Thats a feud that really disnae need the Zero-G Belt to make it special if ye ask me, but who’s askin me? Naecunt. I asked myself, and proceeded tae answer myself. Cause this is my thing, and I’ll dae whit I want) but I cannae see it happening right now. I reckon these two have got a few braw matches in them, having seen them go at it at a recent SWA show, they have all the tools to produce something that captures yer attention in a one on one feud. Another sneaky wee suspicion I have here is Joe Hendry interfering out of jealousy at Kenny being given a title shot ahead of him, and that finally leads tae Kenny splitting from the Kennedy Administration, starting up a wee Kenny vs Hendry feud. So aye, I feel like this has been more patter about what might happen in the future than the match itself, so I’ll finish off by saying it’ll be really good. Like ye know how puttin eccies and pepperoni on a pizza and calling it Eccieroni Pizza is really good? It’ll be the wrestling equivalent of that.
Jack Jester and Jimmy Havoc vs Chris Renfrew and Dickie Divers
I wisnae sure about this when it was announced, but as the event draws closer and they continue to etch it in some brilliant storytelling, I’m actually right fuckin intae it. I dunno if thats maybe partly down to seeing Jimmy Havoc work masterfully as a villain in PROGRESS and being absolutely fuckin thirsty tae see him adopt a similar character in ICW via a heel turn here, or maybe its fully down to the wildcard element of Renfrew having a free shot at knocking fuck out of the guy who he has a contract for a title shot against at any time. So he can either wear him down in the match, which will inevitably descend intae blood soaked chaos. Or he can wait tae the match is finished, survey the landscape (and by that I mean…make sure he’s still got a pulse) and if he sees fit, he can pull oot a crossbow and shoot an arrow throw Jesters heart. Deid guys dont kick out. Unless they’re convulsing or somethin. In fact aye.Thats the trouble with that. I’ve nae idea how long it takes deid bodies tae go fully deid, so there’s a chance Havoc could get his tag partner tae safety, and Jester would become the first reigning ICW Champion wae nae heartbeat.
Seriously though, it’ll be a brutal match and there have already been suggestions far pretty much everyone involved in it, that Jester and Havoc cannae trust each other, and they know they cannae trust each other, so that leaves it wide open for some heel turning, belt grabbin, highly violent action. Can Chris Renfrew trust Dickie Divers? Is the sky blue mate? The NAK are more than a stable, they’re a fuckin brotherhood, and no matter the outcome in their respective matches, they will leave their stamp on London. A dominant stable who don’t monopolise every single segment on the show. Refreshing eh? I fancy Jester and Havoc to remain a cohesive unit, but they’ll be a cohesive unit left lying in a heap by the time this is is over. Will Jester emerge fae that heap wae the gold? We shall see.
ICW came, saw, conquered and came again when it rolled intae London last time, and England’s capital can expect another arse toe-ing, diddy slapping war this time around.
Tickets are still on sale, so get yersel along. Fuck the World Cup Final.
Either get them on the door or via this link.