The Daily Thing – Day Twelve (Emma’s a tube)

Emma (real name Tenille Daschsuhin, born at some point in the 1980s) is a professional wrestler of Australian descent, currently signed with World Wrestling Entertainment. 

UPDATE. Emma (real name Tenille DaBomb.com, born in a hospital) is a professional wrestler from Australia, who used to work with World Wrestling Entertainment, before inexplicably stealing a stupit Ipad case and some Rye Bread outta Walmart, and being relieved of her position for being stupit.

THIS JUST IN. Emma (real name Terry Bollea) is a part-time bubble blower, currently signed with The World Wrestling Federation, after they decided they were being awfy harsh in releasing her before.

They decided that since Jack Swagger got away with smoking Vince Mcmahon Snrs ashes, that she deserved a second chance. Since RVD got away wae crushin Triple Hs windpipe at the very first elimination chamber, cause he was ‘vibing aff some heavy nice gear’ that Emma was maybe due some mercy . They have kindly handed Emma this reprieve after realising that the guy who has run the show for the best part of 40 years has sexually harassed numerous employees, including his own daughter, whilst employing convicted rapists, suspected murderers and Nathan Jones. They decided…well, you get the point. WWE has played it fast and loose with the moral code that their employees must live by for a long time, so as much as I understood the logic behind letting Emma go, it stank of double standards.

She’s easy to release because creative completely botched her promotion to the main roster, leaving her in a terrible angle with Santino Marella, where yer no entirely surely if she’s his fulltime carer, or she’s taking full-time care of his boaby. Only ever wrestling short, often terrible singles matches, or formulaic mixed tag matches against Fandango and whatever burd he was pumpin that week. Nae momentum, so where’s the reason to keep her? She’s no a total diva, her gimmick was aimed at weans and drug addicts, and her tits don’t reach her chin, but are any of those things her fault? Naw. Maybe if she hadn’t been stuck with Santino, and they’d let the focus go on her weirdly charming, clumsy character she might have thrived, but she didnae and then she made that age-old mistake. The one that all up and coming wrestlers need to make, in order to learn from it, grow, and move on.

She stole an iPad case outta Walmart.

I believe it was Ric Flair who said “In order to beat the man, you gotta steal his iPad case” and Hulk Hogan coined the famous phrase “Eat your vitamins, and don’t pay for your accessories” but Emma’s name didnae hold the weight that those two warriors did, and she was cast aside like yesterdays onions. There remains some doubt that she is actually guilty of her heinous crimes, with a story going around that she may have fallen victim to a malfunctioning self checkout, but if her case was processed and she was found guilty so quicky, chances are she’s guilty. Theres a self checkout error, and then there’s burying an iPad case so deep in yer oakster, it starts evaporating due tae the vapours aff yer Lynx Africa. So aye, she’s probably guilty, and that begs the question. Why dae it? I know she’s probably not properly rich, like The Queen, or Richard Blackwood in 2001, but I’m sure she earns enough to pay for her own iPad cases. Was that wee klepto-buzz worth ruining your career? Well she needn’t have worried about a ruined career cause within 3 hours…she’d been…wait wait? By WWE? Are ye kiddin?

Nope. Within 3 hours of her release, she’d been re-instated. Fuck knows what was going on at WWE yesterday. Maybe Vince was out the office and it was Trips who made the decision, and when Vince heard he shot intae a blind panic, due to Emma knowing intimate details about him. Probably the same ones that kept JTG employed for all those years without actually daein anything wrestling related, and by “intimate details” I of course mean “Vinnie Mac pulled his wullie oot n waved it aboot in front of her”.

So what will Emma have learned from this saga? Perhaps that she shouldn’t steal iPad cases when she makes enough money to buy them. Or perhaps she might have learned that released disnae always necessarily mean released, but aye. Emma’s still employed. And I still don’t know her real name. Show’s ye the amount of research I put in to these pieces eh? Cannae even google the lassie I’m writing about, but to be fair. I don’t really give a fuck. Just like she didnae really give a fuck when she tucked that iPad case behind her ear and whistled a merry tune on her way outta Walmart.

Todays video is Y2J vs CM Punk from last years Payback, cause Y2J is back baybaaaaaay!

Hulk Hogans a swedge heid.

Hogan 2

 

Her real name’s Tenille Dashwood btw. I knew all along. I was just pullin yer pisser. x

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