RAW IS WAR BAYBAY. It’s no war, there’s nae war to fight. It’s just Raw. Trips and Steph make their way out looking fab. Steph, waw, she is killing it as per. In her sexy wee suits with her heely expressions. If you look up the definition of goddess in the dictionary it will say Steph Omac. I am most certainly not making that up. Steph says some things about Rollins, bigging him up and reflecting on his Connecticut roots(Raws in Connecticut the night btw).Trips congratulates Cena on becoming the champ. The Authority say that they’ve always thought of Cena as an a+ player. And they are thrilled he is the champion. John Cena sucks makes his way out with a coupla shiney belt-ers(they are belts but also belters, so I combined the two, clever as fuck so I am) on each shoulder YA FUCKING DICK, YI. Nah, truth be told I am completely fine with him being champ. It makes sense. I thought WWE were all about the future so I didn’t think for a second he’d do it. Which is probably why it angered me so much. Now that I’ve had a few days to think it over, out of everyone, he made the most sense. Martin Smiff with the big beard, the big boss man, he’s already covered the reasons why. Cesaro’s gid but has yet to really connect with the fans. Reignsies is the da but he isny quite ready. And Cena tarnished Bray’s chances of being the champ. So as it stands I am content with who has the shiny belts.
After buttering Cena up they reveal the 2K15 game cover, with Cena as the cover boy. Steph dances along to Cena’s music that plays for the unveiling. It made me want to vomit but also stare longingly into her eyes. She makes me feel so many different things, and she doesn’t even know I exist. Cena cuts the promo you’d expect him to cut, he gets on the fans side and earns himself more cheers in the process, this crowd are shite by the way. And don’t even think they improve as the night goes on, they do not. Cheap pops aplenty. He says thanks and what have yi but says that Dbry gets the first shot at him when he returns if he is still the champ and that he won’t be signing up with Trips and Stephs two person power trip. Trips says at Battleground it’ll be Cena v Orton, Kane and Reigns in a Fatal 4 Way for his shiny belts. They put Cena in a match tonight to, for his ‘disrespect’. He chose the hard way, which is not joining forces with The Authority. Cena will face Kane and Randy Orton. And Reigns will be his partner. Trips actually acts like putting Reigns as Cena’s partner is a punishment, MATE it’s like a beautiful big Samoan gift. Its the favour of all favours. To end this lovely wee opening segment, Trips also reminds Cena, that if Orton, Kane or Reigns don’t get the job done, there’s always a plan B. To which Seth Rollins makes his way out, he stops just by Cena’s side and doesn’t look the road he’s on which was a really special touch. Sometimes the smallest of things have the biggest of meanings.
So what did we think of that? I totally dug it. Like, I thought it would be really annoying and that maybe there was a chance my telly would get launched out the window along with anything else near by. This was the obvious course for both Cena and the Authority, but I liked it. The Fatal Four way they announced for Battleground even looks as though its set up to be the exactly the same as Money in the Bank. Cena over comes the odds as per and thus does damage to the young potential replacement. That should annoy me, it doesn’t. I get satisfaction knowing those proper MENTAL wrestling fans(who wish death and cancer onto Cena) will be literally rocking themselves back and forth, pulling strands of their hair out and haven’t slept since it happened. I fucking love it. Trips and Steph were fucking wonderful, but in such an odd way. The quality of their trolling is truly magical. And just the way that Steph was dancing and lip synching to Cena’s theme. It was perfect. I love how they try to keep from becoming cool as heels. As in, they act like old people, trying to be hip. They play a mum and a dad basically. And for me it just works.
So with Seth making his way out, it’s time for the first match.
Seth Rollins v RVD
RVD is limping, I guess we have to expect that he done some damage, the guys 40 and took place in a wonderful ladder match the night before, we’ll no hold it against you Boab. RVD connects with a few kicks and hurls him to the mat. Rollins retreats. He knocks Rollins around in the corner for abit. He goes for a Monkey Flips but Rollins catches him in mid air and locks in a hold. RVD manages to break it. Rollins retreats to the outside, which entices RVD to follow, Rollins gains control after he hits RVD with a clothesline. Back in the ring, Rollins locks in a half Boston crab to the injured leg of RVD. RVD breaks it and doesn’t allow himself to lose track, he connects with a Rolling Thunder, a split legged moonsault and a mighty kick to the jaw of Rollins. AW the moves. RVD goes up top but Rollins retreats again, RVD comes down, but Rollins catches him with a kick on the way back in, Rollins hits a dragon-screw leg whip while RVD is caught in the ropes. He leaves himself vulnerable enough for Rollins to connect with a Curb Stomp and this one is OVA.
Wee Renee Young got in the ring for a post match interview with Rollins, where he tells her that it’s not arrogance when he can ‘back it up’. EXCUSE ME? Did you get permission from Ziggler to use HIS words? If you didn’t yer getting sued pal, sued for being a fucking thief, sued for being a fucking traitor and sued for having fucking beautiful taste in clothing, thieves and or traitors should not be allowed to wear such beautiful outfits. Then…
DEAN AMBROSE. Renee’s man appears on the titantron. In all his messy fringe, leather jaisket, vest wearing, pierced ear, heavily breathing glory. Ambrose is God. Nah Ambrose is life. He’s the air that we breathe. Ambrose lets Rollins know this isn’t over between them and that things might be more fun now. He promises to make sure that Seth can never use his pretty gold case to take the title. He says he will be there every time Rollins attempts to cash in and it’s not because he wants the belts for himself or anything, he just never wants Rollins to win anything ever again. CUTEEEE.
The match had great psychology with each man focusing on a body part throughout. And it was the right outcome to, having Seth win clean. Dean’s promo stole the show. I believe in his words, maybe even more so than Bray’s. The passion in his eyes is amazing. His intense delivery is amazing. I was worried about the Shield splitting but one thing that certainly makes me believe it was the right thing to do is Ambrose. He’s been allowed to be Moxish as possible and it’s been an absolute pleasure to watch and see him becoming more and more Moxley as the weeks go on. This Ambrose/Rollins feud hasn’t even got started yet and I am seriously looking forward to see how it unfolds.
Rusev and Lana make their way out. Do I need to go into detail? I think we pretty much know exactly what Lana said. She hilariously tells the crowd to shut up as they chant USA. By hilarious I mean her accent sounded the fakest it ever has and it made me wince slightly. So as you can imagine she then proceeds to trash the US. Lana wonders who will be the next person to step up against Rusev. Then…
DOOOOOO DO DO DO DO DOOO DO DO DO DO DO DO. I know you can’t actually hear what I’m singing and can’t tell what song it is from me simply writing do a few times. WEED THE PEOPLE. It was Zebzie and Swagzie. This was so special. For the first time ever I swear I had butterflies in my stomach for Swagger. Colter says he’s sick of hearing them spew their pish. Before praising free speech, telling Lana and Rusev they are only able to say these things because of free speech, a thing their own country does not have. I was loving this. Lana’s smug smirking coopin in the background complimented this segment perfectly to. Zebzies believes Swagzies can take Rusev. The big brutes stare each other down before Swagger tosses Rusev out the ring where Lana holds him back.
Aye. Just fucking so much AYE. Swagger has went and earned himself some new and enticing opportunities. This needed to happen ageeeees ago and I was seriously confused as to why it hadn’t. Cesaro is the man responsible for making me give a shit about Swagger, and I’m glad he did. I have enjoyed a lot of Swaggers work lately, I think sometimes he can go unnoticed. I especially enjoyed his performance at MITB. This is a new chapter in his career and I think this might the most important one. If himself and Zeb can pull this one of then TRA will be a very important part of WWE. I look forward to see how this one unfolds to. And yes, this essentially means that people will be cheering for a racist stable, but for some reason, it works, and they played to the patriotism Lana had already brought out of the crowd. I can’t remember a time where Swagger has been a babyface before. Can you?
I want you to stand up, put your hand over your hearts, and say in a very loud clear voice along with us WE THE PEOPLE. It feels great being able to say that now after it feeling so wrong all this time.
The Wyatt Family v The Uso’s and Sheamus
Rowan attacks Jimmy then slams his head to the mat. Jimmy delivers a few kicks before tagging Sheamus in. He hits Martin’s favourite spot, that’s what the ten beats thing is known as now. Harper pulls Rowan to the outside, looking out for his bestie but Sheamus dives onto them from the top rope, which I quite liked. He rolls Rowan back into the ring and connects with a powerslam. Sheamus signals its Brogue Kick time but Bray hits him with a mighty clothesline. Rowan uses this distraction to clothesline Sheamus out to the floor. Yer man Luke Harper tags in and he connects with a running boot to Sheamus out on the floor. Nearly took the coopin aff him. Bray tags in and gets Sheamus back in the ring and gets himself a near fall, he frustratingly punches Sheamus in the head and follows this by stomping him. He goes for a splash but Sheamus manages to kick him in the face. Bray dumps Sheamus on the outside. Harper rolls him back in the ring but he knocks him down and manages to tag out to who I believe it Jey. He connects with some kicks and a splash to the floor. He kicks Harper in the face. Sheamus knocks Rowan to the outside and Jey splashes him. Sheamus turns around and walks right into a Uranage slam from Brayzies. Jimmy superkicks Bray but Harper rolls back in and connects with his mighty lariat to Jimmy for the win.
I actually really enjoyed this match. The Wyatts and The Usos built on their incredbile match at MITB the night before. They always show such great chemistry. The addition of Sheamus and Bray made it so this wasn’t just a rematch from last night, but a very welcome but enjoyable twist. I know that Usos v Wyatts has been happening left, right and centre, but I honestly have no complaints about it because they always seem to elevate each other. It’s a pleasure to watch. Yer a dafty if you think otherwise.
Steph booked Nikki in a handicap match. Cause that’s what she do.
Nikki Bella vs The Funkadactyls
Nikki takes Cameron down and slams her dome on the mat. Naomi kicks Nikki in the head and connects with a top rope crossbody and follows this with an inverted DDT to get the pin and win. Cameron and Naomi have some words after the match before a shoving war between two. The ref separates them as Cameron leaves.
You can call that a match if you want. I’m not going to bother. Naomi looked impressive, she only hit two moves but looked fab while doing so. I really hoped she would get the belt off Paige because she is definitely one of the most talented of the Diva’s and I think she hugely deserves it. I realise now that was foolish, she needs to get herself a new persona and connect with the fans. The teased fall out of the Funkadactyls has been going on almost to long, make it happen, the sooner the better. If you take to long it’ll lose all meaning, not that this has had much meaning so far. I don’t have anything to say regarding Nikki.
Sadness. So very much sadness. Paul Heyman announces that Bad News Barrett’s injury will keep him out of action for a long while, meaning that they are vacating the IC belt. A battle royal will take place at Battleground with the winner becoming champ. Sadness. So very much sadness. And it’s well not fair, Dbry got to choose whether his belt be vacated or his other half be fired. Why didn’t Wade get that choice to have wee Alicia Fox fired? Nah I’m joking that would probably be worse. Paul says his client is the number one seed having already won the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle, he is CESARO.
Cesaro v Kofi Kingston
I’m still fucking fuming from this. If you weren’t incredibly pissed off by what happened then what the fuck is wrong with you? I want whatever you’re smoking. Cesaro takes Kofi down with a waistlock to kick this thing off. Kofi reverses and sends Cesaro to the outside. He takes him down with a dive and rolls him back in. He goes for a springboard type move(which is the technical term for it) but Cesaro catches him and connects with a backbreaker. He applies a side headlock and attempts to go for the swingzies. He teases it before stomping on Kofi. So nae swingzies for you! He applies a headlock but Kofi goes for a rollup. Cesaro hits him in the corner. Kofi rolls outside. Break. Return from a break TO SEE THAT KOFI HAD WON. HE WON DURING A BREAK. I DON’T CARE IF I’M SHOUTING, NO I WILL NOT LOWER MY VOICE. I am seriously still reeling from it. The match ended ON THE FUCKING APP. What about the people who don’t give a flying fuck about the app? If you thought for a second that would convince me I had to get the app then you my friend are wrong. If anything it’s made me not want to get it. Whereas before I had no opinion. I don’t know how Kofi won. But since I didn’t see it then it never happened. Most of us didn’t so is this really a Kofi victory? Nah it’s a fucking myth. Cesaro goes mental post match and rightly so. He throws Kofi over the commentary table then into the steps. He uppercuts him a few times before throwing him into the barricade and ringpost.
I have a huge problem with them allowing a match to finish during the break. It ruined the cool beatdown afterwards mainly because a very large number of us missed what set him off. I think it’s a huge bit of disrespect for the men in the match. Not everyone has the app. Not everyone wants the app. So what you’re saying is to see these men perform we must get the app. It completely ruined Kofi’s win, and it’s something we would definitely need to see to believe. Nothing against Kofi, it’s just a win from him is rare.
This started on such a high but ended on such a fucking low. No Chance that’s what you’ve got, up against a machine too strong, pretty politicians buying souls from us are PUPPETS, who’ll find their place in line. VINNY MAC. Nope It’s Sandow! Mcmandow. Dressed up as his boss, he makes his way out, mastering the Vince walk. He cuts a promo, putting on Vince’s voice and actually sounding convincing, at times. He says he found talent like Trips. Nae reaction. Hulk Hogan. Nae reaction. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN(which Sandow fucking nailed) (POP. You can’t say Stone Cold’s name without getting a pop) and a man who they are too ignorant to appreciate, Damien Sandow. He says Sandow has been entered into the Battle Royal then Steph Omac cuts him off. She screams at him saying he has a lot of nerve mocking her father, they built this company on giants, so he can face one right now. But Steph by giants we want cool giants. What we got was Khali. Does he even count as a Giant since he is essentially just a large torso on stilts?
Damien Sandow vs The Great Khali
😦 Sandow tries to reason with Khali, someone remind him that Khali is not a threat. But, wait, nah, apparently he is. He hits a Big Chop and gets the win.
That was hard to stomach. Is Sandow a face now? I hope that getting the wrath from Steph for his fantastic portrayal of her father is a start of an actual storyline for him. I wasn’t sure if this gimmick could work, but if he keeps on being funny then it might just get him over. I know he’ll have earned some new fans after this. And it’d be a nice payoff to his pipe bombesque promo from a while back. When it happened isn’t important, the part that matters is I remember it.
Justin Roberts welcomes back a former WWE champ and cross platform superstar. AWEEEESOME. The word awesome shouldn’t really create a deflated feeling. But it does. Anti climax of the century. Folk thought it was Stone Cold or the Rock, folk like me believed it to be the reinstated 3MB members. The Miz is who we all thought it definitely could be but we hadn’t wanted anything less in our lives, so much so we convinced ourselves it wouldn’t happen. Well, it did. It fucking did. He says he’s baaack. Are you? I had forgotten already thanks for fucking reminding me. He says he was tempted to stay in Hollywood to shoot more films because executives told him he was a star. Miz didn’t understand that they were merely joking with him. Miz says he had all the appreciation in Hollywood. Yi didny. But he came back because the WWE fans take him for granted but we are all wrong. We aren’t. He says he isn’t leaving until he main events Wrestlemania again(fuck sake, that’ll be yi here forever) and we show him real respect and that we will beg him not to leave. Just then. BREAK THE WALLS DOWWWWN. ITS Y2J, ITS Y2FUCKINGJ. Nah, truth be told I wasn’t surprised, I knew Miz wasn’t important enough to have him actually be the focus, nobody gives a fuck apart from that wee freak two doors down fae yi who likes collecting his scabs and keeping them in jars. Y2J cuts Miz off. Miz is furious. I’m no, infact I don’t feel anything. WWE should never have mentioned anything about a former champ returning. Miz asks Jericho what he wants. Miz says this must be 2012 where Jericho comes back for a few weeks and doesn’t talk in his lite brite jacket. Mind he done that? I lapped that shit up by the way. He says he has a lot of nerve coming back and cutting him off. He talks about his accomplishments but Jericho hits him with a Codebreaker!!!! He says he’s waited a long to say this. RAW..IS..JERI….DAH! LIGHT OUTS. Lights on. The Wyatt family surround Jericho. YAYYY. Exciting. Jericho tried to fight them off but is obviously outnumbered. They throw him in the corner. Harper and Rowan clothesline him and Bray connects with Sister Abigail.
Jericho’s baaaaaack. Oh and Miz to. Nah, if there’s one thing I can say that’s a positive about Miz’ return is that he’s a heel. He works as a heel because you genuinely want to cause him much harm. I know a handful of people are annoyed at Jericho for comments made by himself and Styles on Y2J’s podcast. I get it. But I bet yi almost pished yer skants with excitement, not just because of the return, but what it all said story wise. Beautiful bit of storytelling, that got me hugely excited, and it was only the first few sentences of the book. Jericho returns to put people over, people who deserve to be put over. I think with that Sister Abigail Bray hit Jericho with says it all. He’s came back to do what Cena foolishly didn’t do. He’s going to put Bray Wyatt over thus giving the big man some power again.
Dolph Ziggler vs Fandango (with Layla)
Ziggler starts things of with a dropkick to Fandango, he manages to come back with a few kicks. Fandango gets a near fall. And goes over for a wee winch with Layla on the apron. Ziggler elbows Fandango and connects with a few mounted punches. He hits a neckbreaker and then an elbow drop. Summer. Fucking. Rae. Here, I used to be heavy into her, I couldn’t resist those mighty fine pins of hers. But she’s seriously doing my tits in. WHY MUST YOU INTERUPT EVERY MATCH. Every Fandango match her and beak are there to cause me much anger. Summer gets in the ring and has a winch with Dolph. Fandango asks her what she’s doing. Ziggler is a romantic and got her over for another smooch. Summer left looking exactly how you’d look after winching Ziggler, a lucky bastart by that I mean a fucking cow. Hahaha. I’m not jealous how dare you accuse me of that. Fandango looks upset as he watches Summer leave and Ziggler uses the distaction to hit a Zig Zag and he gets the win.
A Dolph win is always important, let us remember that. If Dolph is getting sucked into this Fandango love triangle then it means his main event aspirations will be put on hold. He’s slowly but surely getting some recognition again. I fear getting involved in this will mean his chances of ever getting pushed will never happen. Our only hope, if he has to be involved is that him and Fandango are given enough time to actually have decent matches. These boises could definitely give a stellar performance if given the chance. Layla and Summer should be told to bolt. But we all know that won’t be the case. Their bullshit will always be involved thus meaning this feud will never be taken seriously.
Goldust & Stardust vs Rybaxel
They brawl as the bell rings before clearing out. Goldust hits an atomic drop, Ryback responds with a suplex and puts Goldust in a headlock. He slams Goldust into the turnbuckles before going for a Meathook. Goldust manages to counter it with a spinebuster. He makes the tag to Stardust. Stardust connects with a few diving strikes and then a drop down uppertcut. He connects with a strike off the turnbuckles and follows this with a DDT. Axel tries to surprise Stardust with a neckbreaker but he counters it with a Cross Star and gets the win.
At one point in the match Axel bashed Goldust with forearms while shouting LOOK AT YOU at him which was hilarious. I forgot to mention it. But now you know. Funny stuff. Stardust and Goldust are now what looked to me as an incestuous tag team haha, but it works. I know others will disagree but I thought it was lovely. And as much as I do believe Stardust will get old, it seemed to prove me wrong for another week. So we shall see. A wee pat on the back for Rybaxel who were being the biggest guys they could possibly be, but big can’t beat dust.
Paige is out next looking every bit the pale princess she is. She says she usually lets her actions talk, which is very, very wise. Some people think she isn’t a champion and should go back to NXT. She says she thinks they are all wrong and she proved she should stay. LETS LIGHT IT UP. WEE AJ LEE interrupts her. Saaaapnin ma wee hen, how yi been? Not up the duff I see. So HA to all those Punk theorists. She’s no up the duff, you were all wrong and now the cutest wee thing has just returned to us. She skips down the ring, missed that, missed you xo. AJ says Paige is right and that Paige proved her wrong because she thought she was untouchable and rubbed it in people’s face. She says Paige slapped some much needed reality into her, and that she just wanted to thank her. Paige says she doesn’t buy it and that AJ is playing games. Paige says she won’t make the same mistake AJ did and won’t defend her title. AJ asks the fans if they want to see Paige v AJ tonight. The fans do. Paige says fine.
Paige v AJ Lee for the shiny belt.
Paige hits AJ a couple of times then throws her into the corner. AJ knees her in the face before Paige slams her down. Paige taunts her. Is page heel now? Is that what this means? AJ slaps and rolls her up and gets the win getting her belt back in the process.
Yass. We are finally getting what we all want to see and that’s an AJ vs Paige feud. It has HUGE potential. They kept AJ’s return completely under wraps and I’m glad because it was a nice surprise. The crowd completely shat over her promo with CM Punk chants, and it seemed as though Paige didn’t know how to handle it. Paige’s ani diva gimmick doesn’t work as a babyface in my opinion. Turning her heel would be a smart move, which I think that’s what they done here because she showed more of an aggressive in ring style. AJ Lee can be just as good a face as she is heel because she is so comfortable with a mic. For me Paige didn’t flourish in the championship spotlight but I look forward to seeing her as a heel and in what could possibly be the best women’s feud in WWE history. The chase is always better than the catch, Paige. They need to be smart here and just allow these women to have time, to have a wrestling match. If the belts are changing hands in two minute bouts it makes it feel so less prestigious than compared to if it was a match where we say them both give it all they had for the thing they both want so much.
Randy Orton & Kane vs John Cena & Roman Reigns (Trips on commentary)
Both sides trade punches but Orton gains control. Kane’s tagged in but Reigns is quick to send him to the outside. Break. Once we return we see Orton kneedrop Reigns. Kane gets back in the mix where Reigns and Kane tade punches. Orton and Reigns are outside the ring, Orton nails him with a clothesline before rolling him back in the ring. He stomps him, then makes sure he doesn’t get the tag. Kane’s back in he clotheslines Reigns and signals for the chokeslam. Reigns manages to uppercut Kane instead and follows it up with a Samoan drop. He makes the tag, yer man Cena’s in. A lot more cheers than usual I noticed. Cena hits Orton with a shoulder tackle and then a sit out slam. Five Knuckle Shuffle time. He sets Orton up for the AA but he manages to float over and tag Kane in. Kane’s hit with a side slam. Orton comes back in and connects with the RKO to Cena but Reigns retaliates with a Superman Punch and a mighty spear. Orton and Reigns fight up the ramp. Kane and Cena are on the outside, Kane throws Cena into the steel steps then uses them to smack Cena in the coopin thus getting himself DQ’ed. Cena and Reignsies wins. Trips tells Kane to end it. He rolls Cena in the ring and Tombstone’s him. Refs check on Cena while Trips motions to someone backstage to come ahead. ROLLINS! Rollins runs to the ring and HANDS IN THE BRIEFCASE, HE’S CASHING IN!!!! The ref stalls hunners making me extremely raging…but…who’s that, it’s DEAN AMBROSE here to make everything better and our day just that bit brighter. The cash didn’t happen this time. What we saw is something so much better. Deano beats Rollins to the outside and throws him into the barricade and they fight into the crowd. Kane and Trips get back in the ring, Kane has a chair in hand but Reigns runs back down into the ring and he delivers a mighty spear to Kane. Reigns and Trips have a stare down which can only mean one thing. That’s right time to assume things and believe our assumptions to be the truth. Trips v Reigns. Probably sometime quite soon. Battleground perhaps? Too soon a ppv maybe. Either way the stare down closed Raw as the crowd belted out ‘THIS IS AWESOME’. By far the liveliest they had been the full night so the prospect of Trips v Reigns must be hugely appealing….
I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about the match. The match wasn’t amazing but it was solid. The most important part of the segment was all the stories which unfolded after the match. There was so many beautiful bits of storytelling in such a short amount of time. The first few sentences of some magical fairy tales. All the men in the Fatal 4 Way have even more reasons to dislike one another. The Deano/Seth feud added intensity and of course the huge hint that Reigns will go after Trips at some point. The fans really seemed to dig that shit and truth be told if the beak performs the way he did at Extreme Rules and Payback then I actually wouldn’t mind it atall, infact I actually hope it happens.
So that’s another Raw done and dusted and what an eventful night it was. Some huge matches were made for Battleground. WWE seem to be wasting nae time atall in building to the next show, we aren’t even getting a chance to catch our breaths after the fantastic Money in the Bank ppv. We were even treated to some BIG returns Y2J and wee AJ Lee and some other returns(the Miz). I am sooooo fucking excited for the Battle Royal for the IC title, it has all the potential in the world to be an absolute belter of a match. (Cesaro 4 Champ) (or Zigsies) (or anyone else I like who is in said match). All in all a good Raw.