Santino Marella announced his retirement from in-ring competition yesterday due to a neck injury. To tell the truth, for the past 3 or 4 years he has grated on me something awful. Exact same routine since that iconic moment in the Royal Rumble where the cobra faced off against Mick Foleys socko. It’s almost as if WWE seen that moment and decided that wis it for Santino. Its that exact thing, with less Foley and more cringing, for the rest of your career. As a result his career pretty much stagnated and folk forgot that his up until that point, it was actually pretty fucking stellar. He was never one to be taken too seriously, but there was a dynamism about him that seemed to die on its arse over the past few years, and that’s a bit of a fuckin shame, cause its fairly rare to find a wrestler who can genuinely have you doubled over laughing, but performs equally well as a creepy as fuck heel, twanging anycunt who comes within 10 feet of his tidy wee burd. WWE is where dynamism goes to die in a lot of cases. With multi talented people being forgotten about, or used wrongly for years. Decades in some cases. Santino unfortunately fell victim to that. It seems whenever someone remembered he existed, he was reeled out for the same routine as before. Eat, sleep, mispronounce things, repeat.
He had a rocky start in WWE anaw, having been slapped silly by Jim Cornette when he was in developmental for laughing when he was supposed to act scared of The Boogeyman. To be fair to both parties here, The Boogeyman was always a fucking stupid character who deserved laughed at, and Santino has one of those faces you’d never get sick slapping, but it said a lot for how highly WWE thought of Santino when they sacked Cornette and kept the faux Italian warrior on staff. His main roster debut was one of the more memorable moments in recent WWE history, as he was picked out of crowd at RAW in Milan to face Umaga for the Intercontinental Title. Playing the role of “daft starry eyed fan” that night, he amazingly captured the title from Umaga, with the help of worlds most muscular sleeping pill Bobby Lashley, and continued playing the role of confused looking dafty until turning heel a few months, or years later. Fuck knows how long at took, but at somepoint he hooked up with the ‘far too hoat for him’ Maria Kanellis, and the whole gimmick was based around him getting raging at anything with a dick n two baws coming within 100 feet of her. Then we had Glamarella, which saw Santino paired a burd who outweighed him by about 100 pounds in pure muscle in Beth Pheonix, another fun angle, where despite still being a heel, some of the natural humour in Santino was allowed to flourish.
Its pretty much been daft Santino since then, with him adopting this goofball character who says fairly basic things in hilarious broken english. My favourite example being his tendency to refer to John Cena as “John Chaina” but there’s only so many times ye can see the same routine before it starts to wear thin. He used to be a guy who could make anything work, even creating some hilarious moments from the “Santina” character (his storyline twin sister, who was essentially a slightly less feminine version of Santino himself, wearin wumans clothes) which included him winning a Divas battle royal at Wrestlemania, and he done the impossible when he made people actually pay some attention to Vladimir Kozlov during their brief run as a tag team, and who could forget the brief moment during the 2011 Royal Rumble where ye actually fuckin believed he might win it, before eventually being tossed out last by Bert Del Rio (Fuckin ‘who could forget?’ That’s some awful generic patter right there. Most cunts have probably forgot. It wis three years ago, and the last two in the Rumble were Del Rio and Santino Marella. Its no gonnae stick in every cunts mind is it? Listen, if you’d forgot clean all about that tae I reminded ye there, don’t feel bad eh. I understand completely) He also appeared in the Elimination Chamber match that year and had you believing he might actually win the shiny belt.
Since then? Fuck knows. Same shite, various different days. Had a wee run wae the US Belt back when the midcard belts were being given away in a monthly raffle, and was lumped together with various naecunts in tag teams naebdy remembers. That combined with injury problems, and problems with being interesting in any way led to most folk forgetting he existed until he was paired with NXT call-up Emma. Initially I actually thought that wee matchup was perfect, and working with Emma might galvanise Santino intae returning to his often hilarious best, but well…it fuckin didnae. Shit was terrible in all honesty. With Santino and Emma awkwardly bumping heids quite a lot, and working formulaic mixed tag matches every week wae Fandango, and whoever he was stickin it to that day. Honest tae fuck, dae ye mind when it was Santino and Emma vs Fandango and Summer Rae pretty much every single day for what felt like about 10 year? Awful. Every single time, it was dire and I wanted tae kill it wae fire.
As unfortunate as it is for Santino to have to give up wrestling at the age of 35, its important to remember that the best things about him have never been anything to do wae wrestling. He’s a better wrestler than many folk would think right enough, having been worn down to a similar comedy routine in the ring as he has outside it, but his strengths have always been in his ability to poke fun at himself, and make people laugh in the process. Skills that are transferable into commentary, management or even working the standup comedy circuit opening for Dolph Ziggler. The point is, whilst one chapter of his career has closed, there’s still plenty of success to be had for Santino if he fancies it. If he disnae, he can always console himself with the fact that he’ll never huv tae work another heidnip of a mixed tag match. We were a bawhair away from him teaming up wae a stolen lock of Emmas hair, tae take on Fandango and a pair of Laylas unwashed skants, and naecunt needs tae be seeing that.
A couple of videos tae round things off, firstly Santinos finest promo and easily one of the funniest promos on RAW in the last 10 years.
Secondly, did ye know Santino was the first guy to try the Rusev gimmick? Naw….seriously.